Emotions

Yesterday was the first day of this new year that I did nothing active.  I had great intentions.  I packed my workout clothes and took them to work.  Zumba was restarting after the winter break.  WOO HOO.  I was excited.  I wasn't at work for even an hour before my world imploded.  Yes, imploded.  The issues from Friday that seemingly were at rock bottom?   Nope, definitely not rock bottom on Friday.  And I can only hope that yesterday was rock bottom.  Todd and I were texting back and forth when things became cleat to us and it was terribly difficult for me to text Todd and still hold it together for any customers that came up to my desk.  There was no question in my mind.  I immediately sent out an apology to my friend that was going to be at Zumba with me that night and I told Todd that I would be home at 6 versus 8 and that we would sit down and talk openly and clearly and make some kind of plan of attack.  Todd tends to put his head under the sand about this issue, so this was a big step because I was going to force him to take half of the stress and worry from me. (in theory at least).  I struggled all day.....lost it a few times. (usually when I was alone for a few...I would let my guard down and just sob).  I sobbed the whole way home and for the first 20 minutes after being home. It was  complete breakdown.  I was struggling to breathe, it was horrible.  Eventually I calmed down enough to try to attack.  And then Todd and I sat down.  I'm not sure we came to any conclusion.  Things are the same as they were before....but we at least are in it together now and we do have a very vague idea of where we are at and where we are going.

SOOOO, exercise was out the window.  I sat after this was all over and I was relatively calm......I was watching The Biggest Loser and I felt guilty because my exercise bike was staring at me.  But I just couldn't do it.  I was so wiped out from my emotional breakdown.   I just couldn't do it.

Furthermore, my planned dinner didn't work.   There was no way I felt capable of making dinner.  We grabbed subs from a local sub shop.  I did good....subs and some veggie chips.  Where I failed is that I added a bit of macaroni salad that I had purchased for Todd while at the grocery store the other day.  THAT threw me over my calorie count for the day by about 50 calories.    It's not a good thing...but it wasn't a bad thing.  

My emotions today?  Still a bit spotty.  But I'm planning to exercise and I'm planning to eat right!

It rears it's ugly head.

The weekend went well.  I managed to avoid all the pitfalls and temptations that a weekend normally holds.  I was hanging out with my family on Sunday and they went out to eat at fast food (Sunday is usually kids choice).  This struck fear for a moment in my heart.  First because I don't eat at fast food on my own and secondly because "holy cow, what am I going to eat!"   Not to be deterred, I calmly smiled at my family and said "sure".    I decided that I COULD and WOULD do it.  I went and with kids clamoring for my attention I studied the menu board.  I chose a grilled chicken wrap and a small french fry.  I noticed my father (my parents were also there with my brothers family) didn't get french fries....so I dropped half of my fries beside his sandwich and thus ate 1/2 of a small fry and a grilled chicken wrap.  I HAD left a huge chunk of calories for lunch because of the unknown factor so when I finally had a chance to get my phone back (my niece and nephews usually commandeer it to play games) I put in my food intake and low and behold...I did GREAT!   I even had enough calories to have 1/2 cup of ice cream after dinner that evening!   You can 'have your cake and eat it too'...it just takes planning and some minor adjustments.  I didn't order the CRISPY chicken wrap, I didn't order crazy.  I split down my fries.  I made minor adjustments and enjoyed the time with my family.

On Saturday night I made a casserole and we sat down to eat.  I knew what I was doing.  I had it all planned out.  My food was on my plate.  My food was all within my budget and I was OK caloric wise.    I ate what was planned and when I was done I felt a bit stuffed.  Not sick, but seriously full.  It was not a new feeling.  I had felt like that through most of the Christmas week.   I have felt like that a gazillion times.  It is a familiar feeling.  But seriously, after one week of eating in healthy amounts and healthier foods I was shocked at how icky I felt.  Seriously icky!  I do not like that feeling!!!! 

So why did I keep eating.  I had a vague notion inside me while I was eating.  A vague notion that said "maybe you should stop eating".   So why did I ignore that?  I ignored it because the food tasted SOOO good and I wanted to keep eating because it tasted good and filled me with that warm feeling of happiness.  Ohhh hell, that means my addiction beat me momentarily!

I still coun my weekend as a success.  I stayed within my calories.  I did great.  I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and I sooo wanted to go to the kitchen to get something to eat.  I had already eaten my snack of ice cream, and had no spare calories in my budget, at least calories that I wanted to eat.  I did not want to eat any of my earned exercise calories so I kept my butt firmly glued to the couch and ignored the craving and continued to sip on my water.  I navigated fast food.  I navigated a whole weekend and stayed within my caloric count.  VICTORY!   

Happy Birthday January 6

Today is my 6 year birthday for this blog!   6 years seems so young, yet for the life of a blog that is significantly long.  I was going through my google reader the other day.  I pulled up ALL subscriptions versus the normal 'new posts' that normally is displayed.  I was saddened by all the blogs that had not posted since 2008 or 2009.  I can hope and pray that those people had success and with that success no longer had need for a blog.  However, I clearly understand that odds are that they have given up the quest for weight loss.  Whatever the reason, I wish them much happiness.

In the last 6 years I have experienced great successes.  Reaching Onederland was huge!  I think that reaching that milestone was probably even bigger than when I finally made my doctor approved and Weight Watcher accepted (with a doctors note) weight.  If my blog was any indication, this is true as there was no major celebratory post about reaching my goal.  Seriously, I see vague references to it in sentences such as "three weeks to go until I'm considered a lifetime member"  but it just passed without luster or fanfare.  But this blog walked me through those days and I DID it!  I've had moments of sadness, such as the loss of my water jug (bucket) that saw me through the bulk of my weight loss.  I've had incredible successes.  I've passed monumental milestones.  I've worked to heal from scars that were left in my life, such as teaching my teaching experience.  Even with all the success I have encountered, I also regained.   This blog has seen me through a lot in the last 6 years.

The future is upon me......and I'm ready to reach onederland again.  I'm ready to reach goal again and this time I plan on doing it with greater fanfare than the last time. I am going to savor my successes.  I'm going to continue to be honest about my failures.  I'm going to continue to live! I"m going to continue to learn to love myself unconditionally.  I am going to win!!!

 Happy Blog Birthday to me!

PS  Down 2.4 for this week! 

Knowledge is everything

I am feeling so very excited about my weight loss efforts this time.  There is an air of excitement.  There is a feeling of contentment with what I'm doing.  It is an electric current that I can feel vibrating through my body.  I like this feeling.  It is a feeling of being in charge, empowerment.  It feels good.

Yesterday I hit a low point though.  No, not in my weight loss and the good vibrations (cue the beach boys to sing good vibrations...haa haa haa) that I have going.  But in my personal life.  An area of my life reared it's ugly head.  For a short time at work I was choking back my emotions and when I got home those emotions were set free.  Admittedly, some of the emotions could have been caused by the upcoming monthly female ick, but the issues and worries and stress were real.  I sat  at work and I wanted to eat.  I wanted to eat my worries and tears away.  I wanted to forget about the issues that threaten to drown me. I looked back at the cabinet where we have our snacks.  I knew better than to even open the cupboard doors.  Once the door is opened, I'm admitting that I'm going to eat.  It's a lost cause, once the decision is made it's hard to turn it around. I read on someones blog the other day...so sorry because I can't remember where or whom....where they had caved and pulled into a drive through to order fast food. They came to their senses and BACKED OUT OF THE DRIVE THROUGH!  How awesome is that?   That is incredible!   But I digress....I didn't open the cabinet door because I knew that if I did that I didn't have the willpower to 'back out of the drive through'.   But then I noticed the candy sitting on the counter.  We are a small office in a small town.  Our customers are awesome.  They bring us candy, cookies, cakes, donuts, you name it...they have brought it. (We had one customer was ordering pizza and decided to order and extra one for us...seriously we have great customers.)   It's post Christmas...we have candy coming out of the wazoo.  I looked at the candy.  I was so seriously tempted.  I wanted, like I've never wanted before. (OK, maybe that was a bit over dramatic).  I walked over and started fingering the bags of candy.   And then I had a brilliant idea!  Candy always gives calories per serving, which is usually a couple pieces.  So maybe I could 'afford' one piece of something...after all, I did have roughly 25 calories before I was thrown over the edge of my self imposed calorie budget.  I pulled a calculator forward and started figuring out how much each piece of candy would cost.  ONE mint chocolate candy was 28.57 calories.  Seriously?  That little piece of candy?   I kept going.   A piece of peppermint hard candy was just about 17 calories.  One piece?   Seeing the numbers really helped.  Because those tiny pieces of candy were seriously higher than I wanted to spend.  (and honestly, who eats just one piece of candy?)    And then TRUE inspiration struck!   I spent a few minutes near the candy.....and here is the end results......

Why yes, all of the candy DOES have new labels that show exactly how many calories are in one piece.  Why yes, that was my idea!  Why yes, my co-workers are probably going to kill me.  Already one coworker this morning looked at me and said, "Really MaryFran, I do not want to see how many calories are in that piece of candy, it will make me feel guilty!" (she's a size 0 or 2 or some such skinny minny size like that).  My manager was watching me do my labelling system yesterday and she was happy , because she is also trying to watch what she eats.  In fact she is really wanting a piece of the 90 calorie candy, but has since made the decision to hold off until it's a day where she has more 'available' calories to consume.  Are the rest of my coworkers going to lynch me when they return on Monday and see my 'decorations'?   Probably!  Do I care?  Not in the slightest.  You see, after putting the numbers CLEARLY on the candy, I had absolutely NO desire!  there was no way I was eating a piece of chocolate mint the size of a Hershey kiss and blowing almost 29 calories!   Knowledge is everything!

Last night, I was still feeling rather down with the personal issues.  I am proud to say that having my menu for the day totally completed and planned worked well.  I made what was planned for dinner.  I ate what was planned for dinner and when it was over, even though I wanted more. (remember, I like to feed my emotions) I said, "No, I've had enough to fuel my body."  I stayed on my couch and ignored the fat mini me that was on my shoulder telling me that food would make me feel better!  Yesterday was a success, regardless of the emotions pouring through my body. 

I have decided that at least for the time being, I need to plan out my meals a day in advance.  I need to know exactly what the plan is for the next day.  That way when that fat mini me starts screaming at me to eat in order to silence the emotions the bubble up in my life I can look at the 'plan' and keep the course!

21 days

I started researching this morning to find out how long it takes for something to become  habit.   I got some conflicting answers.  27 days, 30-40 repetitions.   The answers were anywhere between 1 month and 3 months.  Each source I checked then followed it up with the disclaimer that went something as follows. "you see, there is no exact answer because everyone is a unique individual..."  The most common consensus via research groups was that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. For the sake of argument, I'm going to say 21 days is the magical number.  21 days eh?   Well, I technically started back on my quest for health the day after Christmas.  But for the sake of ease in calucalting, (and because I didn't kick in full steam ahead until January 1) I'm going to use January 1 for my first day of my habit formulating behavior.  SO I'm 4 days in.  19% of the way there!    I am endeavoring to make tracking my food a habit (and a side note, when I'm tracking I tend to stay within my caloric budget...go figure).  I am also attempting to make exercise a habit in my life rather than something I do as a side note.  My plan for exercise is for most days to yes, do something significant.  But even on the days where I dont' want to, I'm making myself do SOMETHING active.  a 5 minute walk down the road.   A 15 minute ride on the exercise bike.  SOMETHING....ANYTHING!   Because it becomes a habit if you do it 21 times! 

The good thing about this habit thing?   After my 21 days are up, it's now a habit.  What's so good about that you ask?   In theory if it takes 21 days to create a habit, it should take 21 days to erase that new habit and replace it different habit. Therefore the habit I'm creating now will take time to be replaced by my bad decisions.  (in theory) Wow, that confused even me!

My habit

For the last few months I've had a love affair with Crystal light. It started this summer with the Pom-tini flavor.  I was so sad when I learned that Pom-tini was only a seasonal temporary flavor.  However, I quickly discovered that Cherry Pomegranate was just as good.  I took my water to work, but I drank copious amounts of crystal light at home and on the weekends.  I did purchase some small packets of crystal light (the kind that goes into bottles) for work for those days when water just doesn't cut it.   I thought I was doing great.  I was drinking LOTS of liquids.  It was nothing for me to drink a pitcher of crystal light a day, and on weekends when I was home, sometimes two!   Yet, I always woke up dying of thirst (when I drinking enough water I'm not that way) and while there were no signs, I just have felt deeply that the Crystal Light Habit needed to be checked.  Today I decided to look into it.  I always vaguely knew that Crystal light had aspartame, and I always vaguely knew what aspartame does to the body...but here is  nice simple description....it is from the Livestrong Website... 

One of the criticisms of using aspartame-sweetened foods for weight loss is that the sweet taste still tricks the brain into thinking it's hungry. This hypothesis would lead to a triggered effect in the body that would release digestive enzymes and insulin, actually increasing hunger cues and potentially causing a person to eat more. But consistently, past research did not draw this conclusion. Scientists studying this issue saw that consuming aspartame did not increase insulin, increase appetite, or increase eating and drinking more calories overall.

Despite this previous evidence, two new research studies  from the Texas Health Science Center paint a different picture. They showed that the waistlines of people who drank diet soft drinks increased 70 percent more than people who didn't drink diet soda. They saw that people who drank diet drinks had a greater likelihood to be overweight. The blame is placed on the brain triggers instigated by the sweet, calorie-less taste experience. Two other recent brain studies demonstrated this effect, showing that the body does seek out calories after eating no-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame

So while I have a pitcher of Crystal Light in my fridge (and more to make) I will be limiting my intake and focusing on my water.  Oh yeah, Diet soda?   You are also on the way out.  I've gone without many times before and I find that I don't miss you (and actually like going out to eat and saving the couple bucks by ordering a water!).   I know that the first few days will be difficult, but water really is so much more refreshing!  (in fairness, I didn't always think so...but I grew to LOVE it!)  

I am 16.7 miles into my virtual trip cross the united states.  :-)   I'm making use of that exercise bike that is in the living room!  :-)

Goodbye Christmas, See you Next Year

Crazy!  My stomach just growled.  I almost forgot what that was!  I have been eating so much food and keeping myself overly fed for so long that I almost forgot what it feels like to actually have your stomach growl with hunger! 

I am 8.8 miles away from Williamburg, VA on my virtual walk.   We walked 4.06 miles yesterday. Between the few miles on the canal and then walking down to the polar plunge I racked up more miles than I expected (I actually turned OFF my GPS tracker/pedometer while we were at the polar plunge also, so the 30-40 minutes we were standing there did NOT count in my mileage...I was a good honest with myself girl).  Yes, we wisely walked near that area and timed our hike so that when we were done walking we just had to walk a half mile to the site of the plunge and then the half mile back to the car.  It added extra distance to my walk AND made for easy parking! 

The Christmas decorations have been removed from my house and put back into storage. It was time. I will be ready for it's return in late November! After I finished cleaning the house after the removal of all things Christmas, I pulled the exercise bike into the living room from it's previous location in our bedroom. I have been wanting to ride my bike lately, but have thrown up excuse after excuse. "Todd is asleep and that will disrupt his sleep", "I don't like the angle that I would have to view the TV at if I rode in the bedroom." and of course the ever present "I would have to clear off the clothes that somehow end up hanging off the bike." All excuses...and all of those excuses are no more!   Ride I WILL....and by Christmas next year I will be in a different place emotionally and physically!!!!   I can't wait to see where that will be!!!!  The future is BRIGHT!

Out with the Old..........

Yes, Happy New Year!   I am ready to tackle this year.  I am determined to make this year one of true happiness.  The kind of happiness that bubbles up from within ones soul.  I want that happiness.  And how I'm going to work on it this year?  First and foremost, I'm going to tackle my addiction.  I have an addiction to food. I have written about it so many times in the past that I can't even think straight.  I accept the addiction.  I know I will struggle with it forever and that the trick is to learn how to manage my life around this addiction.   My saving grace in my personal battle with this addiction is that I have figured out that I can get 'high' off of the pride that flows through me when I beat down the addiction.  True, the high I get from that burst of flavor on my tongue is a totally different feeling, I can STILL conquer this!

The new year rolled in and I decided to take  the saying "out with the old and in with the new" in a very bold way.   I had been a light  blonde for the last 6-8 months.. 

 But no more of that.....I got my hair cut a few weeks back and yesterday I went RED!  Out with the old, in with the new!   Now I'm just waiting for my husband to notice.  Yup, he wasn't home when i did it.....and didn't say a word when he got home....nor has he this morning!

I've got my food planned out for today and we are heading out in a few minutes to go for a nice walk on the canal and then to go watch the idiots people doing the polar plunge in the Potomac River.  That's always good for a laugh!  

Let the walking begin!!!!  I have to get myself out of Yorktown (which is where the virtual walk starts!!!!)

Plotting and planning

It's New Years Eve and I'm sitting at work for my final four hours of work for the year 2012. New Years is the perfect time to sit and look back at your life.  It's the time to ponder where you are, where you've been and where you want to go.  It's an opportunity that we actually have each and every day, but the new glow of a fresh year sparks the fire within most of us.   I think New Years Resolutions are great.  I set one back in the beginning of January 2006.  It was January 5th and I vowed that I would change.  That blog post changed my life.  I DID change.  And I loved the change however I slipped.  In the more recent years I've had detailed and grandiose plans for change.  I was a flamboyant failure the years I made grandiose goals. 

So I started thinking about this years goals.  And I came to the conclusion that yes, sometimes New Years resolutions are reached,  but many times these goals turn into failures in our lives.  I don't want failures.  I do not want to set myself up to fail...and I will not.   So i am not setting any New Years resolutions.  Nope.  Not gonna do it!  Could I let it pass without something in the works?   No, definitely not!

So my plan.  I joined a virtual trip across the States.  I'm starting in Yorktown, VA.  Every time I do activity I will enter it into the site and it will tell me how far I've walked total.  It will even apparently show me a picture of where I am in the trip.  How cool is that?    I do not have any goals to make it to a certain point by a certain day.  It is simply going to be a cool way to track my progress. I am going to cheat a bit.  I plan on counting exercise as 1 mile walked for every 20 minutes of exercise.  So an hour of zumba will be 3 miles.  :-)  I found a free app for a pedometer on my cell phone.  I have numerous pedometers at my house, but they are usually sitting in a basket on my bathroom counter, not doing me any good when I actually take a walk.  Ooops.  I ALWAYS have my cell phone with me.   Just search in the app store for BIDMC Pedometer.  I have done preliminary tests and it seems to work pretty well.  There are also apps such as mapmyride/walk and cyclemeter out there that work perfectly using your gps. (I am excited about the pedometer though because some places I walk doesn't get good cell reception so GPS doesn't work!)

So I've asked two friends via email to join me on this walk because yes; you can have virtual walking partners!  If you would like to be a virtual walking buddy visit the website exercise.lbl.gov, sign up and then find me.  You can find me one of two ways.  My id number is 72446 but you can find me under my name, which is MaryFran and my last name is simply an S  (in case you need it, birthday is 12-10-1972)  walk with me.  No goals in mind (it will ask for goals but I'm not worried about them) just friends helping each other exercise...virtually. 

If I'm exercising, I know that I tend to eat more healthy foods and in better quantities.  If I am exercising AND eating better the weight will fall off on it's own.  There is absolutely no need to set goals.  The weight will come off in it's own time.  I'm good with that!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Body Image

I hate my body as it is right now.  Yet, I'm still quite a few (about 65) pounds lower than my highest ever weight.  I didn't hate my body at that higher weight.  I didn't lament about it. So I had a belly.  SO my thighs jiggled.  Big whop.  It didn't bother me.    I was comfortable in my own skin. I knew I was overweight but I was comfortable.  My self worth was secure.  I liked me for me.  I liked myself and I was confident in saying, "To hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm fat, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway."

I started losing weight simply because I wanted to.  And I found a whole new world.  I found a deeper level of confidence.  I found energy.  I found really cute clothes.  I was in my glory.  But was I happy?  No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body.  Really?   I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog?  What came over me?  How could I not see it?    I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures.  There was  notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her.  Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me.  So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY)   Why could I not see it when I looked at myself?   My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.

I maintained that lower weight for a while.  I was happy.  I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be.   Fun stuff.  However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me.   I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss.   Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight.  I gained  lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes.  65 pounds, give or take.  It's not pretty.  As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my  body.  My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return.   I honestly didn't expect it to.  I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste.  I want that back.

As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person.  I don't have the answers.  However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.   

Fat is not for me any longer.  I'm choosing to live thin.  If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it.  I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me.  Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived.  It is not a real thing...it's a perception.  I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions! 

Post Christmas Haze

December is crazy.  Christmas parties and continual birthdays (it's a big Birthday month in my family).  I failed miserably with my quest for living a healthy lifestyle this month.  I have no excuses.  I just didn't do good.  I saw the chocolate....I ate the chocolate.  I thought about cake and I ate the cake.  I had absolutely no self control.   No excuses. 

I feel miserble, bloated, icky and just in dire need of losing this weight!!  Welcome to Post Christmas Haze.

The year is rolling to an end and I have been thinking about my plan.  I am NOT waiting until the new year to start.  I started tracking this week.  It hasn't been pretty.  I haven't stayed down where I like my calorie count to be.  But at least I am being honest with my eating.

Exercise.  Exercise needs to start happening.  No excuses on that either.

I have started thinking about my 2013 goals.  I want reasonable doable goals!  Attainable goals.  Because I am going to ROCK 2013!!!

I LOVE ME

I was talking to my niece and nephews the other day.  Somehow the subject of gymnastics came up. (not surprising as my niece is on a competitive gymnastics team...and she LOVES it).  I remarked that my nieces body is pure muscle and that was awesome.  (when you cuddle with her you are cuddling with a little muscular girl).  She looked at me and got the most blissful smile on her face and said "I love me!"

Out of the mouths of babes.  This is how we should ALL be.  We should be this way for ourselves.  Like us for who we are.  Like us for what we have done for ourselves.  Like us for the person that is inside.  If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight.  We do things for the ones that we love.  Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart?  I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones.  Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself?   Do I not think I'm worth that effort?  I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise.  Do I not think I'm worth the effort????  

That is where I am wrong.  I am a wonderfully made woman.  I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person.  I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!

This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!

Turning 40

Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me.  As the date grew closer, I struggled.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40.  My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones.  The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything.   I started reflecting on where my life is.  I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go.   I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely.  Life took some very divergent paths.   Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that.   The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like.  My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of.  It's 'accept' situations.  Most everything I have absolutely no control over.  One of them is the teaching situation.  Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children.  My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed.  I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.

There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix.  That is my weight.   That is the motivating factor behind my push recently.  Idon't have power to change anything except myself.  I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do.   Except for my weight. 

I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain.   And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend.  At least I hope.  :-)   Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.

Sentao

You know it's a bad thing when your exercise instructor steps in front of the class and her first words are "If you were here last night, are you sore too?"  Yes, my instructor actually started the class last night with those words.  And YES, I was sore from my workout on Monday.  Last night just exacerbated the soreness.  Hey, no pain no gain.  :-)    So what workout did I do that caused me this 'difficulty'?    Zumba has a new class out there.  It's called Sentao.  It's chair exercises.  I know what you are thinking!  Oh yes, I was lulled into a false sense of security when I started too.  It's exercises with a chair, how difficult can it be.  Well all I have to say is try it!  Lunges off of the chair.  Squats while you have one leg balanced on the chair.  Push ups, crunches, etc etc.  It's a WORKOUT.  A gal was there the other week trying it out and her words after it was over was "I have done body pumps and all sorts of exercise classes at various gyms and NEVER have I had a workout like that!"  I alternately hate it and love it.  I can't figure out which it is.   But I know this......if I'm sore and have achy muscles, that means it's good for me so I'll keep doing it!

So happy to see my friends last night at zumba.  One was a friend that I hadn't seen in a month or two.  She looked at me and commented on my happiness.  It made me look deeply at myself and realize that I am at peace with myself.  I was looking at scrapbooks from years and years ago and cried a bit when I saw the college era.  I miss that girl.  But I'm learning that that girl is still inside me and I"m at peace with her slow  reemergence.  I'm at peace with what is happening in my life.  I don't like all of it...but I'm at peace with it.  The beauty of it?  That peace is allowing the old long lost MaryFran to shine again. 

Day two went by without too much fanfare.  I ate right.  I exercised.  I did what I needed to do.  I peeked at the scales this morning (unfortunately after I had downed a big glass of liquids and had already eaten my breakfast) and I'm down...so I'm feeling good.   Day three is planned and I am ready to rock this day also!

Moving on

Day one is in the books.  Tracked, exercised, drank my water and I feel good.  I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I'm not overly concerned about my weight today.  It's the weekly weight that concerns me!  :-)  Moving on to day two.  My food for the day is already in my tracker.  My exercise is already planned.  I should be good to go!

I'm starting to think about goals and rewards for myself as I drop the weight.  So far I've come up with a massage and a pedicure.  The thing is.....I don't have a lot of extra money...so my rewards have to be rather low budget.  :-)   Thinking...thinking...thinking.  I was originally thinking about rewarding myself every 10 pounds.  But maybe I'll do every 25 for a monetary reward.  :-)  Yes....I think that sounds great!  Decisions decisions.  :-)  I will get them up and posted on a page here today at some point. 

This is no longer a thing of I want. It's a thing of I NEED!

Victory!

So thanksgiving weekend 2012 is officially in the books.   I don't feel as if I ate all that horribly.  However, I did indulge in the pumpkin roll.....and I ate the leftovers for breakfast on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday.   Luckily for me the pumpkin roll is no longer there, so it is no longer tempting me by calling my name in that sticky sweet voice that gets to me every time! My weight is up.  I accept it...but I'm not ok with it.  I need to get myself in line.   No ifs ands or buts.  Other than the pumpkin roll, I ate relatively reasonably.  But relatively reasonably is NOT good enough.  I need to be doing GOOD...I need to be on target.  Relatively reasonably is OK if I'm trying to maintain.

So I started tracking today and I'm here.

Thanksgiving 2012 had me doing something that I have had on my bucket list.  I participated in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning.  I didn't set any records.  I had not trained ANY....so I walked and had spurts of jogging.  But I did it.  I did not come in last for my age division which was my goal.  SO I am pleased.

1203 67/92 Terri Houser F 52 46:35 44:52 14:29
1204 156/176 Paula Crammer F 36 46:34 44:53 14:29
1205 157/176 Maryfran Stotler F 39 46:35 44:53 14:29

The first number is where I came in, the second set of numbers I didn't come in last in my division...which was my goal.  Obviously my name, sex and age...then the 46.34 was my gun time....and the 44:53 was my chip time.  The 14:29 was my pace.   Pitiful.  But now i have something to work against.  Paula and I are aiming to do the st. patricks day run.  And we are aiming to train and really whittle down our time!

I want to reinvent my life on a few different levels...and on the health level, I want to be FIT and active!

Sparkle

Motivation seems to be a missing element in this journey.  Right now for me it's totally missing.  I get totally disgusted with myself.  I cringe at where I'm at.  I see something that inspires me.  I gather up my desires.  It is all good. I'm gung ho to roll with this.  I start.  I hold it together for a few days, maybe even a week or two.  And then I totally fall apart.  I spiral into a woman that spins wildly out of control.  There isn't one set trigger that causes me to plumment from my healthy choices.  Sometimes it's a weekend off/away.  Sometimes it's just life that keeps me eating crazily.  Sometimes it's my self worth and the fact that food is my friend...my go to when I'm feeling down.  It's like I'm being bombarded on all sides.  Voices are screaming at me to "eat eat eat"  and I cave.  The cake tasted good.  The ice cream tasted good.  Even if something didn't taste good I still chowed it down like a starving child.  It sickens me to think about what I'm doing to myself.  It sickens me to see my lack of motivation.  I lack the motivation to get up off the couch and start running.  I lack the motivation to pull my bike out and ride it.  I lack motivation.  Without this motivation I spin in circles.

I want to end this mad plummet.  I want to be thin and happy.  Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight.  They are trained to run marathons.  They are competing in Triathlons.  They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous.   Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!).  They are active and put their exercise first.  And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes.  It's glaringly obvious.  I chose those two to link.  However, there are more out there.  I see a spark of life that is there.  I had that spark when I lost my weight.  I've lost that spark again as I've regained.  I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!

My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!

The Odd Couple

I have once again recommitted.  There are 10 weeks until Christmas.  I am committed to losing 15 pounds in those 10 weeks.  I thought that was a good goal.  Doable.  I am tracking.  I am watching.  I am committed to exercise at LEAST 3 times a week.  I can't go on this path.  It only leads to destruction.  It leads to the destruction of my body but it also leads to the destruction of my mind.  It is not a healthy place for me to be mentally and I refuse to live that way any longer.  Todd and I have a 4 day weekend upcoming.  Will it be difficult to do this and eat out so much?  Absolutely.  Can I do it?   Absolutely.  The first and easiest change that I plan on making at restaurants?   Water with lemon please.....instead of a diet soda.  I'm not knocking diet soda but seriously, it's not what my body needs.  Plus...they charge like 2 bucks for those things...so if I don't get a diet soda for breakfast, lunch and dinner (not that we would eat out all three meals all four days...but for the sake of argument, lets say that we do) that 6 bucks a day  6 times 4 is twenty four bucks!  That's a breakfast out!  That's a souvenir or an extra museum....all because I gave up something that I really don't need!   The other thing.  yeah, we do go to breakfast...do I REALLY need three honkin' big pancakes?  No, one pancake is sufficient.  If I order the three that is a typical order at a restaurant,  I eat them.....but I don't need them.  I order one and I'm satisfied....so by ordering ONE, I order what my body NEEDS and oh oh oh...I saved more money!  :-)

So I was talking to a friend about my issues.  She has tried to lose weight but she went into a bad realm.  She stopped eating all together.  TO the point that she became deathly ill.  Eating to her almost turns her stomach.  She doesn't want to eat.  It is a chore for her.  She's afraid if she starts to eat that she will start to regain.  She struggles to get enough calories.  SOOOOO  she and I have paired up.  Me, encouraging her to EAT...her encouraging me to NOT eat.  We are both tracking on myfitnesspal.com.  Her to make sure that she IS getting enough calories (and also for her ease of mind so that she knows that she is not eating too much...because yes, anorexia is a mental disease in the mind all centered around weight..and she isn't yet at her goal, she figured out this anorexic behavior before she lost all her weight....so she has to try to lose the last 25 of her pounds in a HEALTHY manner) and me to make sure that I'm not eating too many calories (and to ensure that I'm not error in the side of not eating enough).  It's an odd match.  It's a very odd match, but you know what?  It may work.

I have also reinstituted the daily emails to my three friends Julie, Donna and Sherry!   Thanks gals...YOU ROCK!

addictions

I'm an addict.  My addiction is food. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I eat to celebrate and I eat to forget.   Last week I totally succumbed to the addiction....I tried to feed my sadness away.  I tried to eat so much that I would forget the pain I feel inside me.  I finally came up for air and then I hated myself even more for the abuse that I did.  In reality, I didn't eat 4 cakes, 6 dozen cookies, or other crazy things.  I just made poor choices.  I'm embarrassed to say how many times I ate at Burger King.  yes, Burger King...and I don't eat fast food.  Poor choices.....but still feeding an addiction that burns brightly in me.

How will I overcome.  How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel?   I don't know.   But I do know that food is NOT the answer.  Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!

Living the Fast life.

A few years ago, Todd and I decided that we didn't want fast food in our lives.  At first it was rough because fast food restaurants are so convienent, quick and cheap.  But after an occaisional craving we learned to live without it and never really even gave McDonald's or it's counterparts a second glance. We were not watching our finances as closely then as we are now, so I don't really recall the switch being a big shock for us financially (plus we never ate exclusively at fast food joints...it was occasional). 

I have read the articles about fast food and it's relation to obesity.  I've also seen the articles that correlate fast food to the rise of obesity.  Fast food driven obesity you may call it I guess.  I always agreed, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized exactly how much.  I went to hang out with my family yesterday.  My brother and his wife give in to the kids and they eat at McDonalds every Sunday...it's their tradition.  So I tagged along.  I ordered a McChicken sandwich, a small fry and a large drink.    I blew  over 600 calories on that meal.  Almost half of my daily budget for calories (I aim for 1300 calories).  Doable, but throws things out of whack and you have to be near PERFECT with your eating the rest of the day.

But the lesson to be learned is not how many calories I ate.  I feel as if I actually chose well and was actually ok with my calorie expenditure.   No, lets look at the financial expenditure.

The drink....$1......the sandwich, $1....and the small fry, $1.19.   I spend $3.19 for my meal. (true dollar menu items....it's actually cheaper to order off the dollar menu in that case apparently)   Really?   Where else can I eat for that little?   $3.19???????    It is tempting to go back....I can't eat anywhere...except the soup kitchen for that little.  True there is little or no nutritional value  but hell, a full belly for $3.19.  No wonder people continue to flock to the place (ok so the food is also a bit addicting)...it's affordable in our economically depressed age.   The cheap prices draw people in.......and they are eating WAY TOO MANY Calories.  Becuase lets face it.....how many people go in and actually order the McChicken Sandwich and a SMALL fry?????

mf

SIngle minded

I've started rereading through this journal.  It has been interesting.  I have looked back at my initial weight loss with rose colored glasses.  I have thought and said about how easy it was.  It wasn't.  I was more focused. I was single minded in my focus.  I was so single minded in my focus that I had family members worried about me.  I knew what I wanted and I was determined that come hell or high water I was getting there.   I need that single minded focus back.  I need to focus on this weight and nothing else. Let the trees fall around me....I see only my weight loss efforts.  If it's important, it will still be there when I come through the trees on the other side.

One other thing I'm picking up is those first feelings that I encountered and worked through as I accepted the fact that I was fat and that I needed some help.

Some of the reading is dull and repetitive...it's me rambling about what i ate, how I was working through situations that popped up.  My attempts to start a regime of exercise.  But it is rekindling that feeling of hope, that feeling of excitement within me.

Today I walked with Sherry I from over at TwoGirlsMamma. It was good for me. It was good to talk and walk with my friend of course.  But it renewed me on my journey.  I can do this.  I can do this with a single minded focus (she remembers that single minded focus I had back then. I can do this without deprivation to myself.  I can do this by modifying small things within my life.  I CAN DO THIS.

You didn't hear me?????   I CAN DO THIS!

Little changes....profound affects

Yesterday I sat here at my job.  I dipped into my lunch box and partook of  my healthy fare. I munched through my banana and my green beans.  I was enjoying my lunch. I always save my little 'treat' for last.  Usually my treat consists of a 100 calorie pack of some variety.  However, this past weekend I was grocery shopping and my eye caught the box of rice crispy treats.  I looked at the price and realized that they were quite a bit cheaper.  For me this is a big deal.  I try to keep my grocery store trips budgeted out and as cheap as possible.  So an average price of 22 cents for one rice crispy treat versus the average 50 cents of the 100 calorie pack was a nice saving.  (I paid just under 9 bucks for a box of 40 rice crispy treats and I pay right around  $3 for a box of six 100 calorie packs.....so my figures are based upon those numbers).  Significant savings.  I had the presence of mind to look at the calorie content while I was in the store.  90 calories.  My thought was GREAT....right in line with what I was looking for.  (Conversely I had purchased a few weeks ago the Lance Granola cracker bite things..they are delicious...but 190 calories....that's almost double what I want to spend on my little snack....no more of those bad boys for me).

So yesterday I pulled out my new snack.  I ripped open the wrapper and sat here proud of myself for having had the presence of mind to check the calorie count and for buying something that was right at my snack calorie allotment.  In fact, I had SAVED myself 10 calories.  Not a big deal I know....10 calories.  Tiny, eensy weensy, itty bitty 10 calories.  I mean seriously what could I do with 10 calories.  It wasn't like I could have a slice of pizza for 10 calories.  It wasn't like I could drink a mixed drink for those 10 calories I saved.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  10 calories......365 days a year.  That is 3650 calories.  That is theoretically one pound a year.   By a simple 10 calories a day  ...10 calories that I don't miss at all.  10 calories saved simply because my delicious substitution was 10 calories less than my normal food....a no brain, no thought no worry one pound gone for the year.  Couple that with another small 10 calorie change and you have two pounds gone.  Snowball it and make three more.....and there are 5 pounds....it snowballs!!  It really is as simple as that.

And just because I'm a bit of a geek.....one year of 100 calorie packs  would cost me $182.50......the rice crispy treats...... $80.30

OK OK OK, so I don't eat a 100 calorie pack (or now a rice crispy treat) every day...they are my lunchbox treat....or an occasional quick sweet snack at home. And I also know that I would most likely get bored if I ate a rice crispy treat each and every day.....but it's the concept here folks not the logistics!!!!!

SMALL CHANGES turn into BIG RESULTS!

Crunchy apple French toast

I struggle with breakfast. I do not like eggs on there own. I do not eat beef or much pork. Cold cereal leaves me famished within an hour or two. So what to eat for breakfast. I get tired of the boring mundane pancakes, waffles and French toast. So the other day I came up with this....

Ingredients
4 slices of texas toast (the thick bread)
2 eggs
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 cup apple pie filling
1 cup cornflakes

1.  Crush cornflakes and lay on a shallow plate
2.  Break eggs into a bowl and add cinnamon.....beat together
3.  Lay out two pieces of bread and spread each with half of the apple pie filling.  Cover the pie filling with the other slices of bread, to create two sandwiches.
4.  Dip the apple sandwiches into the egg mixture and then immediately press them into the cornflakes.
5. Place on a griddle or grill and grill on both sides until they are golden brown.
update:  I actually prefer making this now with two regular slices of bread versus the thick texas toast style bread!  Saves calories and works better!

Per Serving: 271 calories
46 carbs
6 fat
10 protein

I want to be an ant

The other day I was sitting outside and looked down and saw that the ground nearby was being scavenged by ants.  They caught my attention.  I watched as some just seemed to walk aimlessly around and then I saw one.  It was carrying a piece of debris that was at least 5 times it's body size.  It held on and moved across the ground.  I watched, fascinated by this little ant carrying something so large.  The ant was relentless. It came to a piece of straw and it diligently crawled over the obstacle all the time carting his treasure on his back.  It came to obstacles and crawled under them.  They had to finagle sometimes to get their large treasure under these items.  A few times this ant seemed to give up when they were seemingly stuck or held up and unable to move further.  They let go of the piece of debris and moved away. I held my breath, saddened that this ant had worked so hard but was giving up.  I wanted to pick up the item and move it for them.  Instead I sat and watched.  But each time they circled the item and immediately picked it back up.  And each time they were able to get moving again. It was almost as if they had to stop, regroup, reconnoiter the situation and then re-attack the problem.  And EACH TIME they succeeded.

What a wonderful lesson that ant taught me.   Persistence.  What absolute persistence.  They were moving something that was HUGE (in relation to their size) over obstacles and under obstacles.  They did it.   Times got hard and they never gave up, they re-evaluated and continued on.

Have I been an 'ant' in my weight loss efforts?   When I was losing weight readily the first time, yes I was.  I had my bobbles and I sat back and looked at them and then dug right back in.  I was highly successful.  This time around I have adopted a very un-antlike attitude.  I have resisted even picking up the piece of debris because it's 'too big' for me to handle.  When I do pick it up, I carry it for a few paces until I hit my first obstacle and when I get stuck, instead of setting it down and looking at what is causing me to falter I just drop it and walk the other way.

I want to adopt the principles that I saw that ant display.  I want to not be afraid to do something that seems so insurmountable.  I want to not give up when I hit a speed bump.  I want to persevere.  I want to succeed.

I want to be an ant.

Focus

I've been having difficulties focusing on anything for the last week or so. I don't know what's up. I'm not exhausted (that I know of) or anything, so I dont' know what's up. I have managed to not eat myself out of house and home...however I HAVE eaten over my calorie count on some days. (not enough to gain, but not low enough to lose.)I guess I should be happy that I maintained. However, maintain is NOT what I need. I need to lose.


My leg is still bothering me. Prolonged activity bothers it (last sunday when we were out and about it bothered me that night and the next day...then on Thursday I made pickle relish and jam in the morning and I paid the price with pain by struggling with pain that evening) Whatever the cause, it's getting OLD OLD OLD.

Yesterday I went to a reenactment with my brother and his family. Had fun....and actually pulled my camera out in ages. Felt good.

My brother is remodeling the house that

my grandmother and grandfather bought and remodeled 40 years ago.  He took panelling off of the wall and found this written with the adhesive.  Since my grandfather put up the panelling we know that he is the one that wrote this there.  Just a really cool find.

When...

When will I learn.  I left work hungry.  I had no plan in place.  I ate chips and salsa....I ate hot and spicy pretzels....I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I did eat a bit of fruit.  But I know that I lost control momentarily.  I am back on track....but I did lose control.

Nuffin' else to say today.

Donuts and ice cream

My weekend was busy.  I literally ran from the moment I got off work at 2PM on Friday until I got home last night.  I haven't even finished editing all my pictures from the weekend yet.  Friday I helped my brother on the house that he is remodeling.  Saturday I helped Todd run sound at a bluegrass festival.  Saturday evening I hung out with my friend and her son.  Sunday Todd and I did a day trip and hit up some historical museums.  BUSY.  eating was less than stellar.  Not so bad calorie wise, but not healthy choices.  (yes, I had a donut for breakfast Saturday AND Sunday morning)

My victory.  Todd brought home a large ice cream for me on Thursday night.  THURSDAY  NIGHT .  I started eating it on THURSDAY night.  Guess when I finished that puppy?????   SUNDAY NIGHT!  I nibbled on it for  4 days!!!!  That is a victory, usually I just scarf it all down, no matter that it is too much and makes me ill.  I didn't do it this time!

Emotionally, I'm hanging on.....trying to stay positive and trying to focus on MY healthy and the things that I can change!!!

Part of life...

Well, yesterday....I didn't eat during the day because of a rough morning.  I got home from work at 6 and I wanted nothing more than to........fall into bed and let the emotions that I'd struggled to keep bottled up all day inside wash over me.  (bet you thought I was going to say eat.  LOL) .  I did just that.  I couldn't really handle doing anything other than that.    By8:30 I got up and we went out for a sandwich (I got turkey and brie...side of corn salad....we split some artichoke dip...and I had some ice cream).   I didn't eat all that horrible...probably well within my caloric range (I'll go back and change my tracker for yesterday to show what I really ate versus what I had planned to eat...just haven't done it yet).  But I knew that eating late...eating not at all over the day...etc etc etc would really "F" with my body.  So this morning I chose to not weigh myself.  I made it until I was in the kitchen packing my lunch.  And then I mosied back intot he bathroom......and weighed myself...fully clothed....  Yeah, I was up 2 pounds.  GRRR   I know it's because of my weird day (sodium at dinner...not used to diet soda...which has more sodium than my normal water)....and of course that TOM action that has been threatening to pull into the station may or may not be here.  (seriously...this month is just ODD.....)  Even knowing that, it's disheartening to see.  Not gonna make me give up...and may just make me redouble my efforts this weekend to recoup my 'gain'.  So maybe it will work to my advantage!

This is a healthy lifestyle that I want.  It's not a diet.  It means that I will have odd days...odd months....odd happenings that will affect my weight.  I'm ok with that.  I know that I do have to figure out my stress and emotions though.  Losing weight when your mind is drowning in a hurt that threatens to overtake you is not the optimum scenario.   But that is part of life...learning how to overcome despite these detractors. (or maybe IN spite of them.)

Best laid plans

Ok, I had my day planned out perfectly.  I was set for eating.  I knew what I was going to do...and I was ready to do it.  And then things at home unravelled.....and while they unravelled I stopped paying attention and burned breakfast........BADLY.....I was barely able to pull myself together to get to work on time......and I didn't eat breakfast.  Ohhh and as they unravelled, I didn't have the time, emotional energy or whatever to pack my lunch.  So I'm looking at 6:30 or so until I can get some food.  My 30 minute lunch hour.....doesn't give me much time go get something and eat.  (I live in a podunk town that has no eating establishments.....well, other than the bar......and going home....well, I'm not sure I want to go back at this moment and face it and risk getting emotional again, I can't be sitting at my job an emotional wreck....it was hard enough this morning....I think I'd rather be hungry and face it tonight)    Best laid plans.  

And just to prove that I can still laugh.......here is my new weight loss plan......I'm going to follow this ladies plan....sounds more fun than my current exercise routine... Rather interesting read in the news.

One woman is making the most of a rekindled romance -- her sex life is helping her to lose weight, and a lot of it.

As reported in an interview with UK magazine Closer, Guinness World Records' Heaviest Woman in the World, Pauline Potter, has lost almost 100 pounds through marathon sex sessions with her ex-husband.
Last year, Potter, who lives in Los Angeles, was given the title after she got in touch with Guinness World Records in a bid to draw attention to her risky weight and to shame herself into dieting. But it seems to have brought forth another benefit -- as she told Closer, her ex-husband started visiting after her saw her Guiness entry, and their sex life has helped her shed a "stone" (14 pounds) a month.
I can’t move much in bed, but I burn 500 calories a session – it’s great exercise just jiggling around,” she revealed to the publication. The couple reportedly has sex two to seven times a day.
Potter certainly isn't the first person to use the bed as a piece of exercise equipment -- certain sexual positions are known to exert more effort than others, and of course, there are always exercises to help make sex even better.
In an interview last year with The Sun in the UK, Potter noted, "My goal is to lose 200lb (14st 4lb) plus and have weight-loss surgery so I can be mobile again and not rely on anyone for help."

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/07/10/pauline-potter-weight-loss_n_1662534.html

Realistic goals

Yesterday I was emailing a friend with a mini challenge for myself.  She and I are planning on hooking up for a girls weekend. (she is a friend who's blog I have followed for years.....about 3-4 years ago we met in person and have met up about 1-2 times a year since then, usually with our husbands in tow.....this year we are adding a girls weekend).  We are looking at the end of August for our get together.  I have thrown down the challenge of 10 pounds lost by then.  So I was writing about different scenarios and accidentally typed in 135.    She immediately caught onto that and laughed about that weight.   It made me think though.  I know that for me 135 is totally unrealistic.  I'm 5'8" ...that would be at the utter bottom of the BMI index for me......I know from past experience that just getting TO the BMI index weight range for me has everyone screaming about how sick and gaunt I look....and my doctor actually told me that it was pretty much an impossible goal for me (unless I was a professional athlete that was exercising 6-7 hours a day).  So 135 is a goal that will never be in my vocabulary and I know it.  yet, I hear time and time again about people bashing their heads against a wall trying to get to a certain 'weight', even though they are a size 8 and look great!  (and it works the other way, I've seen and read about people screaming because they want to be a size 6.....but they just can't get past the 8....even though they are toned, muscular, look great and weigh a nice respectable weight.  Unrealistic goals derail us.

But I wonder how many times I set goals that are totally unrealistic for me, my life, my body type and my personality.

I know I've set goals for myself to be 100% on plan.  That is unrealistic.  I'm a human being. I have a job, a husband and family nearby.  I have time constraints and yes, with some injuries some health constraints.  It is not possible to be 100% on plan.   But is it more realistic to say "I can be on plan 95% of the time, or 90% of the time?"  Yes, that is.  I'm a human and things will happen.  If I set a goal that I can actually achieve, I won't be tempted to say "well, I messed up my 100% perfection...so I may as well have that chocolate cake (notice I didn't say a PIECE of chocolate cake...I said THE chocolate cake!).

My mini goal of 10 pounds is in 6.5 weeks.  I feel that that is actually a realistic goal.

As for eating, I KNOW that there will be days where the pressures of life get to me.  But you know what.....I'm not aiming to be perfect.  I aim to keep those less than perfect days at a minimum....but I accept that they will happen.  After all, I'm not perfect (shhhh don't tell my husband!)

Personal wise....I've had a story in my head that needs to be written.  It is heavily centered around weight issues.  But I want to show that weight isn't the end all be all to everything that it's what's inside that really counts!   This story has been knocking around in my head for quite some time.  I started it and while I'm only a bit into it, I paused in the writing...I need to restart it.  Because I think it NEEDS to be written!

Epiphany (isn't that just such a fun word???)

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It's not willpower so much as just total focus and planning. If I'm prepared focused and ready I can plan and think about eventualities.  This happened last night and it felt good to not just go crazy. I left zumba and I was HUNGRY.  I had to swing by a grocery store.  The last half of Zumba I DREAMED about just picking up a deli sandwich and chowing down on it during the drive home.  I got to the store and I looked at the pre-packaged deli sandwiches.  500 calories for one sandwich. (ok 490 but I thought it would be easier to round up...my bad)  I had the calories in my budget for that sandwich (even without touching my zumba earned calories) but I knew that the sandwich would not be enough.  I thought about adding a prepackaged salad for 170 calories (so tempted to round up to 200...lol) but then I was like, NO, I have food at home.  I walked away.  But I knew that the process of making my planned dinner (grilled cheese and tomato soup) would be problematic because I was so hungry, it would be so tempting to eat a piece of buttered bread, extra cheese, a nibble of that raspberry cobbler.  In fact, it would be tempting to just eat the rest of the cobbler (about 3-4 servings) in lieu of dinner (OK who am I fooling.....WITH dinner).  So knowing that I was about out of Sargento Colby Jack cheese sticks, I purchased another pack at the store.  I got in the car and had one on way home.  It curbed the hunger and allowed me to effectively make dinner without gnawing the cabinet doors off the wall!  I actually had planned in my calories yesterday to allow for a piece of cobbler.  I was full after dinner and didn't bother with it!   THAT is just me listening to my body.

My knee made it through zumba. It was stiff and sore and some songs about brought me to my knees with pain. But I made it through and honestly, at the end it felt more limber and loose and better. So I am thinking it is a seized muscle (happened to a muscle in my back a few years ago). I went home and put the heating pad on it trying to keep it limber (if possible).


I have a great friend.  I met her during weight watchers meetings a few years back.She was there when I reached goal and when I made lifetime.  She's been there encouraging me to not give up as I've regained....she's been a motivator for me to try get this weight off! She is awesome.  She has listened and helped me come up with numerous ideas to try during this lifelong journey that I've embarked upon.  (weight wise and personal wise......LUV ya Sherry!) She struggles like the rest of us.   I've mentioned Sherry quite a bit on my blog (maybe not by name all the time, but she's been around).  She just started a blog.  Check her out (PS it's her birthday so she deserves a shout out just for that!!!)   OK, in case you missed one of those three links to her blog....  http://twogirlsmama.wordpress.com/   :-) 

Focus

My focus is there.  I spent the weekend reading some great blogs.  I read successes and I read failures followed by success.  I knew what I need to do and reading other people's experiences encouraged me to believe that once again I could do this. It made me remember that I HAVE done this and just need to do it again.  It also probably helped that for breakfast I had some leftover pizza and a piece of leftover raspberry cobbler.  I felt miserable, bloated and stuffed afterward.  I vowed to eat a banana...and something light for lunch.  But 2PM rolled around and I found myself eating.....you guessed it more leftover pizza and another piece of raspberry cobbler.  So then I was miserable all afternoon.  Todd came home and we had dinner at 8:30.  I made chili...with beef.  So I wasn't tempted to eat any chili (no beef for me please.....in fact the smell of the cooking meat was icky).  I did have a piece of my homemade cornbread.  I also made myself a sandwich with the last of the egg salad that I had made the day previously.  I ate half the sandwich and while I wanted to eat it all (it was yummy)....I threw it away and stopped.  Regardless, the bloated overstuffed feeling was still prevalent from my breakfast and lunch.  Lesson learned.  My body was SCREAMING at me and I didn't listen at first.....but I did finally get the message.

So today I'm focused. My food from breakfast has been entered into myfitnesspal.com. (yes, I am a weight watchers fan...and love the program, but money is really tight right now and I can't afford the meetings......I am a lifetime member, so when i get back to my goal weight, I'll be returning to the meetings to help keep me focused)  The food that has gone into my lunch box for consumption here at work has been entered into myfitnesspal.  I have a nice amount of calories left for dinner.  I have my clothes packed for my zumba class that I go to every Monday. (or that I try to go to every Monday).  I'm a little nervous about it....not sure if my left knee can stand it...but I'm gonna try it.

This morning I had Todd look at my knee.  I had him see if he could feel a knot or anything in the muscle that runs from my calf, over the back of my knee (out back edge) and up into my thigh.  The pain when I move is localized in the knee region.  But when he was pressing on the muscle, it hurt when he touched the muscle up my thigh too.  Crazy.  Not sure what is up with this.  GRRRRR  (ohhh and I took the last week and a half off....no exercise....if anything, the pain got worse.)

I'm still around.  I"m holding on to the very edge of this healthy thing by the slighest of grips.  I want to lose the weight so much.  I want to be thin again and have energy.   I want to be confident and feel good about myself again.  I want to wear all those wonderful clothes that are shoved in bins in the corner of my closet.  I want it.  And today, I read a blog and I had this sense of "you can do it' pour over my body.   Check out Michelle if you have the chance.   I have been following her for quite some time.  I read years back when she was first losing...I celebrated from the other side of the country as she completed her first Triathlon....I grinned when she announced she was pregnant the first time.....and the second time.  And I felt her worries as she struggled with her weight gain after she had the kids.  (which are adorable by the way).  She is most inspiring because she is doing it.  She's a normal woman that has normal struggles (fast food that beckons, time constraints, kids and husband demanding attention, etc) but she does it!   And she is continually pushing herself.  She is truely amazing.

Soooo all that to say.  I am going to do this.  I've got some injuries.  My foot is still not heeled, my left knee....the back has some kind of muscle thing going on.  My arthritis in my right knee is out of control.  My finger is still tender.  But you know what.  I can do it.  I'm going to zumba tomorrow night.  Gonna see what I can do (the foot...grr....the left knee, it's a muscle thing it tenses up or something so as long as i"m moving it it's not to bad...the arthritis, the only thing to make that better is to get the weight back off).

I've put my food into my tracker for today......it's not gonna be easy....I had leftovers from the pizza party I had last night (leftover pizza and raspberry cobbler for breakfast...yummy...but not exactly healthy!).  I have the rest of the day planned so I should be ok with my eating and not go TOOO far over for the day.  I'm gonna do this.

What to write

It was recently brought to my attention that I haven't been writing much on my blog.  I've thought about it a few times.  I've actually even pulled up blogger to do so.  But then I sit and stare at the empty screen and I ponder what to write.  What can I write that won't be a repeat of what I've been writing for years. "I'm going to get on track...today is a new day....I'm going to beat this weight loss thing!"   Seriously....I'm tired of writing that.  I'm tired of the trite posts.  I've always prided myself in being blunt and raw about this journey.  While I've felt those things when I've written them, I just can't say them again......I want it....but even I'm bored with hearing it.  So what to write? 

Can I write that I'm failing miserably at this thing called weight loss?   Or should I write that I feel like an utter failure at this thing called life.  You see, this weight loss thing is just indicative of how I feel like my life is right now.  I feel like it's all falling down around my ears...all aspects of my life.  I have tried and tried for years to pick up the pieces and clutch them to my chest and pretend that i had it under control.  But I can't pretend anymore.The pieces are falling out of my grasp almost as fast (maybe faster) than I can pick them up.  I'm sinking.

I've tried to focus on the weight thing...because that's something that I can control somewhat.  And I'm not going to give up.  But you know what?  It just feels hopeless.

Ok, I actively decided to take Saturday as a 'day of rest' and not weigh and just eat normally. That turned into two days. Holy Hell. Last night for dinner I had frozen yogurt and doritos. (WTF?....but it was yummy).


My weight today..... up!   In defense....the monthly scourge...the ever reoccuring monthly ick is upon me. (which affects my weight) andI did also drink near next to nothing yesterday. But Those are excuses (they may be valid) but I'm just going to say my eating did it and refocus. GRRRRRR

So my victories for the weekened?  Well I can say that I had that frozen yogurt and the doritos and I stopped there.  But my major victory?  We went to breakfast on Sunday morning.  I wanted pancakes and also home fries.  My normal behavior would have been to order a stack of pancakes and the side of home fries.  I ordered a SINGLE pancake and the home fries.  And I felt fantastic.  I was in control and I wasn't stuffed!  That is a true victory!

Rode my bike 21 miles on Saturday afternoon.  The last two miles pert near killed me.  OK, I wasn't near death....but I just wanted that ride to be over during those last two miles.  I made it back to the car perfectly safe and sound.  I was happy becuase my foot doesn't hurt when I ride.  My foot really is only bothered by activities that have any kind of impact.  I can do light walking....for a short period of time.  Any length of walking and the repetative impact gets it to aching.  Zumba...well, we don't talk about what that makes my foot feel like....more on zumba later....  So I made it to my car.  I was tired but I felt good.  I lifted my bike up to the top of my car.  I thought the bike was seated in the mount so that I could let go.  I was wrong. The bike started to fall over on top of me.  I did what anyone would naturally do.  I reached up to grab it and to protect my body from the falling bike.  As best I can tell.....my pinky was pushed back against the top side of my hand...(very unnatural position, I garauntee you).  So my pinky is all swollen and I can barely move it.  And when I do move it pain shoots through my hand and up my arm.  JOYOUS.   I think it's a bit better today....so hopefully it will heal on it's own.

Zumba....I know that my foot aches from the pounding impact.  I know that whatever this injury to my foot is, is not helped by Zumba.  But I so don't want to give it up.  Zumba to me is a release. It has somehow morphed into something more than just an hour of exercise.  It's almost like I need it for my 'mental well being' or something.   That is why I go...even though i know that my foot will ache during and afterward. 

I've tried to take a few weeks off and not do the impact....but it just doesn't seem to help.  SOOOOO  After my vacation, I'm goign to go to the doctor.  (not goign before...hell if he's putting me on crutches before my vacation!)

Healthy video games

Last night we went for a bike ride.  We made it about 6-7 miles.  It kicked our butts.  Hopefully the muscle memory is quick!    We are going out again tonight.  I get off at 6.  (ok ok ok, I had to convince Todd to go with me by promising  him that I would take him out to eat...using my personal allowance/stipend money....not out of the general budget)  I'm really trying to change myself....to try to be more active.  It's difficult.  I typically wake up at 6 or 6:30 and for months I've laid in bed and read or played on my phone for hours.....dragging myself out of bed at the last minute.  The last few mornings I've woken up and laid for maybe 5-10 minutes and then jumped out of bed and started my day.  I've had time to cook, clean, do some laundry and other fun stuff.  This morning I even found time to play the Kinect for an hour.   The only problem...i'm so awake and alive and refreshed...and then I come to work and it's so slow in here that my energy level just falls away!

So I was playing the Kinect this morning and I got to thinking about the Kinect and it's counterpart the WiiFit.  I was playing....and I'll admit I was more active than I would have been had I been sitting on my butt with my laptop.  But would you really call that a workout?  Are these types of games doing the American public and injustice in making people think that they are 'working out' when they play these games???    Are we lulling our obesity driven culture into thinking that something is 'healthy for us'.   Oh heavens, that brings up the issue of 'health foods'  Our culture thinks that they are eating healthy ...when they eat some of these healthy foods....and while they ARE healthy...it still requires moderation.   (For example its  the mentality...ohhh I bought the low fat oreos, so that means I can eat them...or even eat more....that's erroneous, they still need to be eaten in moderation)

It's better than nothing....so I'm not gonna knock it.  BUT that said, I'm not going to count that as my sole form of exercise. :-)

A rebirth of my spirit

I'm having a huge debate in my head right now.  A few years ago I rode in a couple bike events with my good friend Donna.  I kinda gained weight (kinda.....hardy har har....I DID) and stopped riding as much. My discipline just flew out the window.  This winter Todd and I were in Lancaster County and talked about how much fun we had riding in the Pedal To Preserve.  So I came home and did what any normal sane person would do. I went home, searched it out and registered for the ride (actually I registered BOTH of us).  I had grand plans.  I was going to start riding as soon as the weather was nice and I was all set.  We had GORGEOUS weather this late winter early spring.  And I rode exactly 3 times...maybe 4.  So now, I find myself 2.5 weeks from "Pedal" and low and behold I'm not ready.  Todd is determined that he could push through with no training.  Me....I'm not so sure, call me a wimp if you must.  Sooooooo I am embarking upon a 2.5 week effort to be ready to ride. I only have to make it 20 miles. (I thought it was 25, but upon researching it a few minutes ago, I discovered it is a 20 mile ride).

Zumba last night wasn't nearly as brutal.   I drank a ton and kept drinking throughout the whole hour but by the final two songs I was DREAMING about how good my nice cold pitcher of Crystal Light was going to taste when I got home!  (and it did taste spectacular).  Speaking of Crystal Light.  Has anyone tried the flavor Pomtini?????   I just did my research.  I bought Crystal Light's flavor Pomtini a while back. It is my all time favorite flavor.  I've looked for it every time I go into the store and see appletini, margarita and mojito and other flavors but never the Pomtini.  Why?  So I looked it up online.  I was saddened by what I found.   Pomtini was only for a limited time....March through April.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Feel free to go onto their website and send them a contact suggestion begging for Pomtini to be brought back.  I would be eternally grateful as I am down to one little packet left. (ok maybe not eternally....but wildly appreciative)

Ok, that last paragraph went on a big time tangent.

What's up with the Crystal Light fanaticism?  Well about two months ago I gave up diet soda. (well I've had one here and there...I think maybe twice in that two months).  I drink my water all day.  And then in the evening I 'treat myself' to Crystal light.  It actually works out really good.  For some reason drinking water at night just doesn't happen for me.  But the Crystal light is just perfect.

My weight isn't dropping...but I'm not gaining.  I'm just holding steady.  I'll take that.  My body is just not giving it up.  But I know that when it regulates itself off of whatever wildness that it is experiencing that the weight will drop.  I'm doing the right things. I'm being more active and I'm eating healthy. The results WILL catch up to my efforts.

Even more importantly I think I'm having a rebirth of my spirit.  For the longest time I've basically just existed. I've done the bare minimum around the house.  It's been a struggle to get that done too.  But the last few weeks I've been WANTING to spread my wings and take the time to make the homemade breads and the homemade snacks.  I've been wanting to do that stuff.  It's almost like I'm being reborn.   I don't know what has brought this about.  I'm afraid to blink...afraid that it will go away if I do.  I still have all the stress and depression in my life....but I'm really trying to not let it affect ME.  And maybe that's the whole difference.

Last night zumba was brutal.  My feet ached my body was sluggish and I just wanted it to be OVER.  I was determined to push my way through.  However, I will not lie and say that I dreamed of being done.  A co-zumba girl/friend recognized my struggle and moved up to be my wingman.  Her presence and smile helped push me through it.   However, her presence kinda got me in trouble.  About two songs from the end I looked at her and said "Sexy Mama" (we joke around a lot like that...and laugh about pinching each others butts and all kinds of stuff.  It's all good, we both REALLY like boys but it's just fun).  So anyway, I turn toward her and go "Sexy Mama" during a hip rotation in the song.  She didn't hear me...however the gal standing next to me did.  And the rest of the night, that gal looked at me smiling and grinning at me.  Ohhh heavens!  LOL

I'm in a better state of mind today.  Things are still weighing me down, but I'm trying to do things to follow my dreams.  I don't need the approval of anyone other than myself.  I don't need the support either.  I just need to do what I need to do for ME.

My weight was down today.  Don't know how...but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!!!!!!