A rebirth of my spirit

I'm having a huge debate in my head right now.  A few years ago I rode in a couple bike events with my good friend Donna.  I kinda gained weight (kinda.....hardy har har....I DID) and stopped riding as much. My discipline just flew out the window.  This winter Todd and I were in Lancaster County and talked about how much fun we had riding in the Pedal To Preserve.  So I came home and did what any normal sane person would do. I went home, searched it out and registered for the ride (actually I registered BOTH of us).  I had grand plans.  I was going to start riding as soon as the weather was nice and I was all set.  We had GORGEOUS weather this late winter early spring.  And I rode exactly 3 times...maybe 4.  So now, I find myself 2.5 weeks from "Pedal" and low and behold I'm not ready.  Todd is determined that he could push through with no training.  Me....I'm not so sure, call me a wimp if you must.  Sooooooo I am embarking upon a 2.5 week effort to be ready to ride. I only have to make it 20 miles. (I thought it was 25, but upon researching it a few minutes ago, I discovered it is a 20 mile ride).

Zumba last night wasn't nearly as brutal.   I drank a ton and kept drinking throughout the whole hour but by the final two songs I was DREAMING about how good my nice cold pitcher of Crystal Light was going to taste when I got home!  (and it did taste spectacular).  Speaking of Crystal Light.  Has anyone tried the flavor Pomtini?????   I just did my research.  I bought Crystal Light's flavor Pomtini a while back. It is my all time favorite flavor.  I've looked for it every time I go into the store and see appletini, margarita and mojito and other flavors but never the Pomtini.  Why?  So I looked it up online.  I was saddened by what I found.   Pomtini was only for a limited time....March through April.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Feel free to go onto their website and send them a contact suggestion begging for Pomtini to be brought back.  I would be eternally grateful as I am down to one little packet left. (ok maybe not eternally....but wildly appreciative)

Ok, that last paragraph went on a big time tangent.

What's up with the Crystal Light fanaticism?  Well about two months ago I gave up diet soda. (well I've had one here and there...I think maybe twice in that two months).  I drink my water all day.  And then in the evening I 'treat myself' to Crystal light.  It actually works out really good.  For some reason drinking water at night just doesn't happen for me.  But the Crystal light is just perfect.

My weight isn't dropping...but I'm not gaining.  I'm just holding steady.  I'll take that.  My body is just not giving it up.  But I know that when it regulates itself off of whatever wildness that it is experiencing that the weight will drop.  I'm doing the right things. I'm being more active and I'm eating healthy. The results WILL catch up to my efforts.

Even more importantly I think I'm having a rebirth of my spirit.  For the longest time I've basically just existed. I've done the bare minimum around the house.  It's been a struggle to get that done too.  But the last few weeks I've been WANTING to spread my wings and take the time to make the homemade breads and the homemade snacks.  I've been wanting to do that stuff.  It's almost like I'm being reborn.   I don't know what has brought this about.  I'm afraid to blink...afraid that it will go away if I do.  I still have all the stress and depression in my life....but I'm really trying to not let it affect ME.  And maybe that's the whole difference.

Last night zumba was brutal.  My feet ached my body was sluggish and I just wanted it to be OVER.  I was determined to push my way through.  However, I will not lie and say that I dreamed of being done.  A co-zumba girl/friend recognized my struggle and moved up to be my wingman.  Her presence and smile helped push me through it.   However, her presence kinda got me in trouble.  About two songs from the end I looked at her and said "Sexy Mama" (we joke around a lot like that...and laugh about pinching each others butts and all kinds of stuff.  It's all good, we both REALLY like boys but it's just fun).  So anyway, I turn toward her and go "Sexy Mama" during a hip rotation in the song.  She didn't hear me...however the gal standing next to me did.  And the rest of the night, that gal looked at me smiling and grinning at me.  Ohhh heavens!  LOL

I'm in a better state of mind today.  Things are still weighing me down, but I'm trying to do things to follow my dreams.  I don't need the approval of anyone other than myself.  I don't need the support either.  I just need to do what I need to do for ME.

My weight was down today.  Don't know how...but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!!!!!!

Dabbler

I've been struggling the last two weeks. I've never been more than 100-200 calories above my goal (I'm aiming for 1300 calories) but somewhere about two weeks ago, I stopped losing.  It happened right about the time that the monthly scourge hit me....a week and a half early might I add.  So is it something within my female cycle that is all out of whack?  Who knows.    A plateau already?  Seriously?  I know the last few days I've become more lax about my eating.  It becomes a bit of a fatalistic attitude.  Why bother if the scales aren't going to show the results.  But I know that's wrong.  I know that the results will come along if I continue.  So continue I will.......

Zumba tonight........

I have set a goal.  I love to write and would love to actually follow that dream down the line.  (there, I said one of my deep dark secrets out loud).  I lack discipline...so while I have some great ideas floating around in my head, I lack the discipline needed to sit down EVERY DAY and write...in order to have a novel written...in the books....down on paper.  So I have set a goal. 1000 words EVERY DAY.  I have a tracker on my phone. (I wish the tracker would remind me if I didn't do it....hmmmm maybe I should look for a different version).  I have been writing every day.  Right now I'm just writing some fun works and some fun pieces.  Just getting myself into the practice of sitting down and doing it every day.  We'll see.

Sometimes I wished that i wasn't a dabbler.  I dabble in so many things.  Photography, writing, crafts...you name it.  I dabble.  I am told that I do a fair job at whatever I put my mind to.  I've been told that my photography is really good, that I have the 'eye' for it.  I've been told that my writing is good that I can tell a story and the reader is drawn in and invested in the story that I'm telling.  I've received praises for my quilts, rugs, cross stitch pieces, and other various crafts.  I'm not complaining...but seriously, wouldn't it be nice to be just spectacular at one thing in your life.  To be able to do one thing so spectacularly that you are successful at it?????

Am I dabbling at weight loss?

isn't the world pretty????

Success breeds upon itself.  I am feeling more alive and ready to face the world.  I know that I don't have my weight 'conquered'.   I will NEVER conquer this weight thing.  It's not possible.  I have a food addiction.  I will struggle with that demon until the day I die.  I've hopefully learned my lesson about how easy it is to fall.   And yes, I fell hard.  But I'm on my way back.  I'm losing again.  I'm eating right.  I'm feeling more alive each day that I retain control of my weight.  I am down about 8 pounds ....small beans in what i have left to lose (but still if I go from my highest weight ever I'm 72 pounds lower than that...so that's a good thing!)  But with each day I feel more alive and more ready to face the world.  I have more energy and sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of me no longer seems appealing.  I want to be doing something.

So maybe that's my next step...what in the world can I get into in the evenings.....break the habit of sitting on my butt doing nothing.  :-D

Zumba tonight.  I'm going to an early class (since this is my afternoon off) so that I can be home in time for the face off for game 7 of the Caps versus Bruins game tonight.  I'm also trying to talk my husband into going out for a bike ride this afternoon....it's a little chilly...but not 'cold' so I may be able to get him to go.  :-)   In lieu of a bike ride, maybe a walk.  Something outside...something active.  I have a plan for this evening too....a plan that would keep us up off the couch and moving around too!  (moving some desks and furniture in the house....normally I would do it on my own...but I'm not touching his computer desk without him!)

I"m contemplating restarting my photo a day project.  It really keeps me looking at the world in a really cool way.  Always looking for the beauty around me.  And as I retake my life.....I'm seeing more prettiness.

Sometimes...

I'm steadily dropping.  Some days it's a bit up...some days it's a bit down...but I can see that it is a downward progression. I'll take it!  :-)  This morning puts me just about 7 pounds down in 2 weeks time.  Once again...I"LL TAKE IT!

Yesterday was difficult.  We went out to breakfast.  I ordered pancakes and of course with those three pancakes (I may or may not have licked the plate clean...I'll never tell)  I blew about 800 calories.  Now seriously, I get right around 1200 -1300 calories a day....and I blew 2/3 of my calories by 9AM in the morning???    Todd and I had a late lunch/early dinner at 2PM.  I counted everything out and I was JUST over my calories for the day..I was at roughly 1400 calories. I was ok with that...but had a long evening ahead of me.  Around 6 I was hungry.  I wondered if it was stress and emotions.  I tried to bury my thoughts and do something.  I wondered if it was thirst.  I drank some more.  And at 7PM, I decided it was NOT those things...(well, not 100% those things) and i had some baked tortilla chips, some salsa and a pb&j sandwich ...and felt 100% better.  I had no more problems that evening with wanting to eat.  So it was with fear that I stepped on the scales tonight. I was WAY over my calories.  But surprisingly, I was down.  not much. 0.2 pounds...but I was not UP!  :-D

So I guess sometiems we really do need to listen to our bodies!

Wednesday

Last week I lost 5.8 pounds. I tracked every day.  I gave up soda (again...even diet....I will drink one here and there eventually, right now I"m not tempting myself).  And ohhh, did I mention that I lost 5.8 pounds It was a great start! 

This week I'm re-introducing exercise after my 2 week hiatus.  I'm hoping that the two weeks was enough of a rest for my foot.  I have decided to not attempt the running thing at this point.  Does that mean I'm letting that dream of running a 5k go? No, I WILL do it.  But I want to get some of this weight off before I take up that high impact activity.  So I'll be sticking to my bike, walking and zumba for a bit.  :-) 

This morning got up and it was raining...but walked anyway.  Came home and changed into dry clothes and heading to work.  Today will recommence the 'I will not be the first person to sit down' bet with a co-worker.  Last Friday we started this and neither of us sat for the 4 hours we worked side by side.  (that's odd...we normally sit on our butts all the time).  I got a text from that co-worker throwing down the challenge that since we will be at neighboring desks today that the challence recommences for the 4 hours that we will be together today.  (hey, I figured it out..that will burn an extra 400-500 calories!)   And then tonight...ZUMBA!  :-)

So I'm working it.   I've been within my calorie range for the last week and I'm trucking along!  :-)

To weigh or not wo weigh

That is the question.  I've heard proponents of both sides to the weighing daily debate.  I think it goes for each individual person.  For me, weighing each day in the morning gives me something tangent to hold on to. My number for the day is in my head all day (or for 6 days like earlier this week...lol)   It grounds me and sets me up for the day.  It rewards me when it drops.  It chastises me when I've done something wrong.  But it grounds me.  That said, I've learned so much about my body from my daily weigh ins.  For example, I know that when I'm drinking straight water and my body is used to that routine, that having a diet soda actually causes my weight to shoot up the next day. I know that it's temporary and sometimes worth it.  Why?  Look at the label...SODIUM!  I know when the monthly ick will appear, simply because my weight pops 2 days before hand.  When you weigh every day, these daily fluctuations actually become routine and explained. It's knowledge.

When I had been approaching my goal weight, I set a plan up in my head.  Weigh every day for the rest of my life.  (or every day possible).  I was willing to give myself a 5 pound leeway.  I knew that the normal daily fluctuations would be all accounted for within that 5 pound give or take.  I however made a vow that if I stayed on the upper side of my weight for a few days to work to get it off.......and if I hit the 5 pound mark...to panic and really work!    Simple plan.  My problem....I reached my goal weight and put the plan into motion.....and the very next day went on vacation, where I didn't have access to scales.  Yup, I stepped on the scales when I got home and saw I was 10 pounds up.  I had also gone wild and gotten a taste for the 'wild side' of food.  And I never recovered.  Lesson learned (the hard way).    I still think my plan is the way to go.  But hopefully this time when I reach goal weight I will actually implement the plan!!!!  

So weighing everyday now gives me motivation and drive, and is setting me up for the rest of my life.

(stayed the same today...which I'm happy about ...I ate chinese last night...that usually causes my weight to pop up a bit.  LOL)

FINALLY

FINALLY, finally my weight has budged. I've been stuck on the exact same weight for the last few days 5 days...or is it 6.  LOL   Either way...same poundage, same ounces. It's been incredibly frustrating!  But today, it dropped.  YAY!

I've managed to log my food intake all this week.  I'm pretty happy with that.   That's a huge first step...getting back into making tracking a habit.  Actually today's food has all been accounted for..I know what I'm eating all day.  :-)

Exercise....I'm on hold.  I've been really trying to take it easy on my foot...give my foot a break.  The foot is feeling much better, so I may jump back into exercise this weekend.  :-)  (with a new pair of tennis shoes to see if that helps also).

Tuesday

My weight is hanging out at the same number.  I'm getting my eating back in line though, so I'm feeling ok about it.  I dropped diet soda (that was ALL I was drinking....I want to make water all I'm drinking with only an occasional soda as the exception) and predictably, today my head is POUNDING.  Caffeine...what lovely stuff.  LOL

Thinking back and rediscovering some yummy healthy foods that I haven't made in a while.  I made Lemon Mousse and topped it with  Strawberries  today.  (well, I made the mousse last night)  So tasty and calorie expenditure is low and well...FRUIT. :-)

Easter Sunday

My weight is not budging, but it will.  Easter Sunday...no candy for me.  And while I haven't yet put my food consumption into my food journal, I'm reasonably sure that I'm ok.  :-)

Today we got up and headed out into the woods behind us.  We took the metal detector and shovels and worked played around a bit with that.  We took bags and kept our eye out for mushrooms.  And for the first time in AGES, I took my camera with the plan to take a picture of 'something'.    We hiked around the woods for 2 hours. 

We returned to our back yard and entered out house at 12:30.  I made a quick lunch and then we headed out with our bikes and did a short ride. 

I have to say though.....I'm absolutely whipped right now.  I am exhausted (I shouldn't be, I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and slept 10 hours last night) and I ache.  My wrists hurt, my knees hurt, my feet hurt...and my back is sore.  I'm just a walking ache-fest.  LOL  But I pushed on and completed my ride.

Riding makes me really think about reevaluating my plan to turn myself into a runner this year.  I'm really struggling with my left foot.  It hurts.  Riding has no impact on that sore foot and I was able to be out for an hour and doing something acitve, but I don't feel like it is any worse than when I started.  So I really may have to reevaluate this jogging thing...at least until I get a bit more weight off. 

Hurt

It hurts.  I had a half of cake sitting at my house.  I momentarily thought about cutting it into small pieces and freezing it for later. (that approach really does work when you have some control...because sometimes you really do need something sweet...and if you have a small little something in the freezer that you can pull out and pop in the microwave a few seconds....it's great...portioned and everything).  I chose not to do that though.  I have no control at the moment.  Cake...why yes I do believe I will have a piece.  The freezer is tooo close.  So ignoring the hurt, I carted the cake to the garbage can and upended it into the can.  Yup, I threw out a perfectly good cake. It hurts to throw away food that tastes so good.

Hurt...seriously....maybe I'm just too gullable and believe what people say to me.  Because then when it proves to be untrue it causes hurt. 

My foot....HURTS.  Started a week or two ago......at first it was just twinges after exercise, but it's elevating and getting worse.  So I'm not sure what's up with that.  I know that yesterday at work, wearing my shoes was torture (ok, I wasn't tortured long, I just kicked my shoes off and went barefoot....today I'm wearing clogs so that it's easier to slip them back on when I need to). 

Hurt.....actually worry and frustration.  I want to exercise.  Yeah yeah yeah, never thought I would be writing those words!  But I want to continue on with my quest to becoming a runner.  I want to go to zumba.  I want to!  So my feelings are hurt....I want to...but I'm realizing that I need to figure out what's happening with my foot.

So hurts that emcompass emotional, physical, mental...etc etc etc.  BUT a step in the right direction.  Throwing that cake away was DIFFICULT.     I'm working to set up an accountabililty network.  I'm working on it.

Self Flogging over

Ok, the self flogging is over.  I'm not saying that I'm chipper, up dancing naked in the streets (holy hell that would be a sight!..and not a pretty sight!).  But I sat down yesterday and wrote in my private journal for a while.  I broke my unhappiness down into segments and actually looked deeply at the problems.  Some of them do make me feel backed in a corner with no way out...but you know what.  My weight is NOT that way.  I see a glimmer of light.  I've scaled that wall before. I KNOW I can scale it again.  So I'm going to focus on that right now.  My weight.  Focus on the light..and move toward it.  Hoepfully some other things will fall into place while I'm doing that.....or hopefully when I scale that weight wall that I'll be able to see some other things more clearly...and see other glimmers of light that I can follow.  But I know that the weight issue is the one surefire thing I have the power to change right now. 

That said......self worth.  I am strugglign with that.  Not feelign worthy of so much...and if I"m not worthy...why would i take the time to lose my weight.  Seriously?  I'm gonna fight that thought too!

Soooo meanwhile....I've been exercising.  Trying to get out there and run.  Going to zumba.  Really working it.  And I'm feeling it.  The old arthritic knees are aching. They are a nuisance...but I know what's wrong. The thing that concerns me is my foot.  I'm having some sharp burning pains in my one foot.  Mostly after I exercise......rest helps..but when I exercise it kicks back in.  I can stay off it for a couple days and it just flares back up if I use it.  Hmmmmm....

I have not died or disappeared off the face of the earth.   I was so 'up' and then I was just tossed back to the ground.  Pretty much all my strength and focus has been keeping my head above water.   The sad part, I eat horribly out of my pain and frustration....and that just brings more self loathing.  I keep saying I'm gonna stop...but seriously, that's so much easier said than done...especially when you are constantly fighting your emotions.  Would it be easier if I just curled up in a corner and cried my eyes out?  If I just gave in to the pressure?   I don't think I'd ever stop.....

Oh well....I'm not saying there aren't good times.  I've had some really good times where I feel almost like myself. 

Rockin' the exercise!

The weather is absolutely fantastic!  I love love love it!  I was out on my bike today.  It felt good.  My butt was a bit sore today, and my right knee aches a but (which is odd  becuase it's been my left knee that has been bothering me most these last few months.)  Either way, it's arthritis. It's not an injury.  I'm going to keep plugging along.  Zumba in an hour!   Yes, I'm going to zumba on top of my bike ride.  Why not?  I was tempted to do a double zumba, but well......thought that might be overkill.  :-)

Now to just get my eating under control!!!!!

Friday

Feeling even better today....still a tightness in my chest but pretty good. Good enough that I hope to get some serious exercise in tonight.

My weight is holding pretty steady...12 pounds from where I was a week ago.  Go figure.  I'll take it!  I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!

I really don't have much to say to day.....but just wanted to pop on and make it clear that weight loss is still VERY much on my mine.  I want to lose this weight for ME and I WILL lose this weight for ME.   I'm going to focus on the exercise for the time being. Still count my food, track and all that.  But my plan is to kick the exercise in high gear. Weight loss is really a balance.  Calories in versus calories out......  To lose weight you have two choices.  Cut your calories IN so that you are expending more calories.  OR you can UP your calories out so you are eating less than you are burning.  The optimum plan is to do a bit of both.  I've cut down and I really don't eat hog wild. (yeah, on occasion I splurge...ok ok ok, binge) but for the most part I do good.  So I'm going to kick the exercise into high gear!!!  In the process maybe even knock off some things on my bucket list!

I caved

Yesterday I was so stinkin' bold.  I was going to zumba no matter what.  Who cares that my knee wobbled and screamed at me every time I took a step.  Seriously, it's arthritis, it's not an injury (I'll be trying the baby asprin that was recommended!)...I'm going to push through it.   Yesterday the sinus pressure was making my head pound.  That still didn't slow me down...I was GOING.   And then about 1PM, my chest started hurting.  This wasn't a big deal.....kinda.  I went through all the tests about a year ago....I'm apparently as healthy as a horse, but I have these unexplained chest pains.  Go figure.  They have taped off over the last 6-9 months or so.  Every once in a while I feel a tightness or whatever.  But yesterday, they came back with a vengeance.  I laid my head on my desk and focused on breathing...because deep breaths seemed to appease pain.  I was not feeling good.  I am stubborn, I was still going to zumba.  And then while I was putting my stuff back into my bag I noticed it was gone.  My Kindle Fire was not in my bag.  I panicked.  Where was it???  Seriously, I'd die without it! (ok, maybe that was a bit melodramatic, but it caused a huge panic).  That was it.  Zumba was out the door.  I had to go home to search for the missing Kindle.  I did find the Kindle, it had fallen between my nightstand and my bed. (I suspect a four legged fur-baby of handing a hand in this crime!)

I caved, and skipped zumba.  In reality, it was probably good.  I went home, made dinner and ate.  I remember asking Todd if he would clean up the kitchen and start the dishwasher.  I remember watching some American Restoration on tv...but I was out cold by by 7:30  I stumbled to bed sometime around 10 and slept through until this morning.

How am I today?   Chest is still tight, but no serious pain.

I did get in a really short walk before work and I also walked on my lunch break.  So at least I got some activity in.  But just trying to take it easy....

A Pain in the...

Zumba last night was fun again.  It's always fun but of late there have been some gals there that make it hystarical.  We hoot and holler while we do it.  We probably look like retards, but oh well.  :-)

The problem....my knee is just aching.  I know that to keep pushing myself will get the weight off.  I know that getting the weight off will ease the pain in my knee.  But until then my knee ACHES.  My knee HURTS.  It's arthritis.  It's not an injury.  I know this so I'm just pushing through it.  It's unfortunate...but I did it to myself.  I just need to push through it. The first time I lost weight I pushed through it ....simply out of desire to be thin.   I didn't know that the pain would almost completely disappear with the loss of the weight.  This time I know that to lose the weight means to lose a good bit of the pain.  I'm not going to lie and say that my knee miraculously hurt no more.  But it was just a twinge every once in a while. 

So my response to my knee????????  SCREW YOU knee pain....I'm going to zumba again tonight!!!  Ohh, and I plan on walking at lunch today!!!!  That will be just a simple 30 minute walk...but every minute of exercise helps!

What the Heck???

So I'm exercising.  Getting that down.  I"m rolling with the exercise.  Eating...well.....I'm trying.  But yesterday I got on the scales (first time in a few days) and saw I had dropped considerable weight.  I jumped on again today....and dropped even more.  It's absolutely insane.  Are my scales going nuts?   Or is it that I'm in a much better state of mind and the weight is just dropping because I'm excited about what I'm doing for myself?   I think our bodies do crazy things like that.....so who knows.     I don't know...but at this rate...holy hangnail...I'd be thin and svelte within a few weeks.  Hardy har har har.  I wish it were that easy. 

This morning I made a breakfast casserole for breakfast.  I toasted some homemade bread to go with it.  I was eating and about halfway through I was like "I'm done"   I'm sad to say that I continued eating it. .....because it was SOOOO tasty.  But then I stopped and said "no, I can make this every freakin' day if I feel like it...it's not a special occasion where I only get this once every 6.5 years"  So I stopped.  I noticed last night that my body was screaming at me that I was done...and I did end up eating a bit more afterward...but did stop before I licked the plate clean.  This is HUGE progress.

Last night zumba was a riot.  I started and immediately my legs felt like dead weight.  Mind over matter though...I kept going.  There are two songs that are particularly brutal on the legs.  The jumping jack song from hell and the galloping song from Gehenna.  I looked at my friend who was beside me and when the jumping jacks kicked in started going "ho ho ho" really loudly with each one.  I was singing and grunting and making all sorts of crazy ass noises....and you know what??????  The song flew by....we were cracking up...but you know what...we did it!  Hopefully my legs will not be so 'heavy' and sore from the get go tonight.  And if they are...well.....I'll push through it and do it.  No question about it.  And if I have to sing.....well by all means, I'll sing.  If I have to make crazy noises to get us laughing, I'll do it.  MIND OVER MATTER!!!

Working on ME

Stepped on the scales.  I think my scales are broke.  I am showing down A LOT from where I was a few days ago.  Not sure about that.  But I'm just gonna keep plodding along and hope it is correct and not some aberration.  tee hee hee   My eating is what I really  need to focus on.  I'm not where I want my calorie count to be.

Zumba tonight!!!!

My  mind is in a good place mentally right now.  I'm working on a project.  Actually I have a few projects floating around in my head.    One I'm so anxious to start, but there just isn't enough time in the day...and I haven't started it other than write a few ideas down.   The one project I started, it's a web-based project and I'm finding it is taking a lot more time than I thought it would. I've also got a bunch more things I need to write in my memoirs, a series of stories or vignettes from my life.  I started it shortly after college on a whim with my friend Rachel.  I've written and added to it periodically.  It makes me smile to go back and reread.  That is more a project for ME.

Meanwhile, I haven't picked up my camera much in the last few months.  Winter is SOOOO hard for me.  I work 10-6 most days.  So it's cold and icky out in the morning....and it's dark when I get home.  (which I think severely impacts my emotions.)  My camera becomes lonesome.  Well I pulled it out for the first time in almost a month on Saturday..and snapped one or two pics.  And then on Sunday I went and shot a birthday party for a 1 year old.   It reminded me how alive I feel when I have a camera in my hand.  I need to remember that...and not let so much time pass before I pick up the camera again.  (the time changing this upcoming weekend should help!).

So I'm working on projects and things that make ME happy.  That are expanding and stretching  my  mind and possibly in long term make me a few bucks. 

A few picks from yesterday.....

A mental fight

I was in a mental fight with myself all morning.  I could have gone for a bike ride, but however, my limit on the bike is usually 45 degrees, nothing lower.  It was definitely lower, so no bike ride.  A jog!  I'm wanting to get back into jogging.  My knees hurt, but isn't it really mind over matter?   But it was so cold out there.  I allowed myself to get sidetracked here in the house with any number of mundane things.  I mean, seriously playing my rounds of words with friends is important right?   I looked out the window.  Brrr, it looked cold.  I guess I'll wait a little bit longer.  But I'm DEFINITELY exercising.   I wasted more time.  Looked out the window again.  Well, maybe I'll go when I get back from the birthday party this afternoon.  Yeah, that's a good plan right?  I honestly thought it was...for a few minutes.  But then reality returned.  I know that if I wait to come home I'm not going to want to exercise.  Not to mention when I get home, I'm going to have a gazillion pics on the camera.  Pictures that I'm going to want to edit.  Pictures that the mother of the birthday girl will be anxious to see....afterall, that's why I'm going to the party. (ok, I would have been invited as a friend anyway...but before that, I was hired on to take the pics).   So no, exercising afterwards was not goign to work.  The mental battle continued.  I never did make it outside.........but I did make it onto the exercise bike here at the house!   It wasn't long.  It wasn't a vicious workout.  But I worked up a sweat!  And I did it! 

True failure is not even trying!

I've been sitting around here, just whining in my head about how I am 'fat' and how miserable I am and how much I wish I would never have regained this weight and how much I hate myself for where I'm at.  Yes, how much I hate myself.  Seriously.  I hate myself more NOW than I did when I weighed my highest ever weight.  So I sit in my self induced pity party.  I sit there and don't do anything.  I've been saying over and over and over again that I am going to FINALLY change the innertube on my bike.   I got a flat on my bike last memorial day.  Yes, Memorial day of 2011.   I will say that most of last summer was horrible with my back that was not in any shape to do ANYTHING.    But while that was a valid reason last summer......it quickly became an excuse.  We've had a MILD winter.  Every nice day I would look at my bike and say "well if I just had my tire fixed I'd go out..but oh well it's not!"  EXCUSE.

Today I got home from work.  It was somewhere near 60 degrees outside today.  But my bike of course had a flat tire.  I sat here on my computer.  I didn't want to mess with it.  But then I started thinking.  I'm failing....and the real shame of it is that I'm sitting back and not even fighting!  That is the failure. 

Sooooo...I pulled out the spare tube, the bike, the pump, the tools.  And I changed my tube.  I degreased my chains and I relubed it. 

That wasn't enough.......I took the bike out and rode too!

No excuses!

Wash, Rinse Repeat

Well once again, I fell off the band wagon.   This is not good for me physically and it's not good for me mentally.

I was talking though to a friend.   We were talknig about grief and what it does.  This friend mentioned that their eye sight had gotten worse and that their hair had turned gray over night, it made me sit back and think.  Yes, I had been seing gray strands in my hair for a while...but it was overnight that A patch of gray popped up.  Could it be the grief and sadness that wells up inside me?   Yes, probably.  I had long thought that my stress and emotions were playing a part in the gray hair thing.  But then last night in the middle of the night I lay in bed, unable to sleep....and it all made sense.  This incredible grief and sadness that I live with on a constant basis is partly to blame for my weight.  I can't lay all blame on something else.  I am the one in charge, I am responsible for my weight.....but I allowed my focus to be skewed by my sadness. 

The problem?  I don't know how to deal with the sadness...I don't know how to not let it affect me anymore.  Isn't that nuts?   But, that said, I'm gonig to start standing up and being myself and making HEALTHY decisions for ME...beucase honestly, my eating and exercise routines are one of the only things in my life that I really and truely have control over!!!

bucket list

Well finally got off my butt and did something on my bucket list.  Yeah, amazing...because of late I've just wanted to sit around and not do anything.  So what did I do???  I entered three pics onto a photography contest.  It's not a big contest or anything.  It's a contest commemorating the 150th year of Antietam Battlefield.  It's through the local paper.  The prize is not really a big deal to me either (haa haa haa...a stay at a local bed and breakfast...which is probably one that is a mile from my house.....or a guided tour of the battlefield.....which once again is right outside my front door).  But I did it.  :-)   http://antietam.com/view-photos   Three pics of mine are on there.  :-)

These three:

So just me putting myself out there!   I thought I would put myself out there.

january report

First things first.  This morning forgot to weigh myself ...until i was ready to walk out the door.  Kicked my shoes off but didn't have time to strip down to completely au natural (which is how I normally weigh myself).   January turned out to be exactly a 10 pound month (well, actually probably a bit more than 10 pounds as I was wearing clothes!)

I don't know where yesterdays post came from.  Maybe just finally wording it.   I'm not in any dire straights.  I'm sad.....a lot.  I don't know how to get myselsf extracted from some situations. (hello I need a new job..that would solve it...but there isn't much hiring that would fit my needs/qualifications/etc) and some situations I really have no control over.  I just have learned to take care of myself. 

That said...it's WEDNESDAY!   And it's my half day wednesday.  And it's gorgeous outside!  Hoepfully I can get in a walk outside between getting off work at noon and the dentist appointment at 1:50.  :-)  (just a cleaning).  And hopefully zumba this evening.

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
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I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.


I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......

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That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!

I'm still around....

The weekend was rough.  Lets get that out of the way right away.  ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!  I was alone.  I was lonely. I was feeling really rejected.  I ate.  I have put everything into my journal.  I never really TOTALLY blew it.   But I was over my calorie count each and every day. (why do I sayI didn't totally blow it!?....because I aim for 1300 calories.....that is well below what I need to maintain.......I never went ABOVE what I need to maintain!).  The worst part?   I didn't exercise.  Well, I take that back.  Friday was GREAT.  I got off work, headed out to do my errands, came home and ripped through the house, moving furniture, vacuuming floors, steam cleaning carpets, scouring tubs and toilets.  You name it.  AND I found time to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes.  Friday was SPECTACULAR.  Saturday and Sunday are where I fell.   

Monday we went into DC for the day.  My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles.  Ok....I ATE for dinner.  I splurged.  But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what?  I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo). 

Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie.  It was scrumptious!

Sooooo  I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week.  I did so this morning.  My weight stayed exactly the same.  I'm ok with that.  I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'.  I didn't gain!  That's the important thing from this past weekend.

So today I'm DYING to go out to eat.  Todd and I are both off at noon today.  Typically that would be cause for going out to eat.  But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save!  But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories.  :-)   SOOOO  this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning.  :-)  Lunch eat out temptation averted.  

SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!

Miles and a new day

So putting my bad day behind me.  I tried to hold it together yesterday and didn't TOTALLY blow it.  But today is a new day.  And I'm on target and feeling strong!

I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2.  I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work.  But I'm determined to exercise today.  No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen. 

We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom.  It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it".  It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it!  I need to start putting more miles on!  I have a mileage goal that I would love to make.  I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike.  :-)  The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion!  (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!!  WOW, has he finally gotten it???  Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)

The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles.  Zumba days are just that...zumba days.  I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles!  LOL).  I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing.  But I'm not counting those.  The mileage is above and beyond those things!

stress didn't get me...mindless eating did

Conquered last night.....baked and everything.  BUT, what I baked...well I dont know, my mind wasn't there and I just wasn't happy with it.  So this morning I made a batch of zucchini muffins.  I had one.  It was in my budget for the day....and I don't know what happened but I estimate that six went down the hatch!!!   Yes, I ate 6 cookies before I realized what I was doing.  ARRGGHHH   I know exactly what was going through my head.  The taste sent me into that feeling of rapture...that HIGH.  And I wanted to keep that high going.  So I kept eating.  Yup, I've been doing good facing the stress eating, but the high got me anyway.  I've looked at my food budget for the day.  Not sure how I can recover from 6 (estimate because I certainly wasn't counting) cookies.  I had already packed mostly fruits and veggies for lunch which left me about 400-500 calories for dinner.  It's hard to pare down my lunch any further as I was already pared down becuase we had a nice breakfast.  ARRRGGHHHH  

I'm not going to stress it.  Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle.  I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on.  I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.

Food = Love

Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012

I had too much time to think at work today.  My job is mind numbingly boring.  I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges.  But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times.  This day was one of those days.

It was a pouring rain as I drove home.  I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday.  Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me.   It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge.  I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging.   And I started crying.  I don't want to have an addiction.  I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling.  It is the most helpless feeling.  It is not anything that I want nor like. 

I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me.  I started to think about my addiction.  I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food.  I come from a family of foodies.  (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge).  My family likes food.  We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors.  My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods.   BUT,   My family feeds people out of love.  And that is when I had my AHA moment.  Food is equal to love.  So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love.  So it's a one two punch.

SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house.  I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough.  I knew I was ravenous.  So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack.  I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips.  I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling.  I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking.   Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras.  And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking.   Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight.  and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day!    Did I binge?  Some may say yes.  But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.

This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!

My weight held steady at the higher weight again.  Not too overly surprised...I exercised late, ate dinner later, ate a very high sodium meal (tried to drink a lot of water to compensate...well over 100 ounces) but still woke up thirsty. So not too surprised.   There is no reason and I'm not going to let it get to me.  You see, I've eaten well within my caloric range. (I'm set to eat 1300 calories.  I've been right at 1300 calories each day......usually 50-100 calories over....which is GREAT!)    So I know that the pounds will start to drop.

Walked this morning on the canal for an hour.  I'll do zumba tonight.  My knee is really aching today.  But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops.  :-)  So 'm just working through the pain.  My knee brace is my best friend right now!  :-)

Water consumption

The weight was a bit up today.  I knew it was going to be.  I knew it as soon as I came to a semi conscious state.  Why?   I was SOOO thirsty.  Mornings when I wake up thirsty, my weight is up.

Water consumption is a tricky thing.  I've read and been told by people 'in the know' that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink....then it's too late....you are already dehydrated.    I learned this the hard way years ago when I was biking regularly.  I had a couple really scary bike rides.  I wasn't thirsty so I didn't drink.  And I ended up laying prone on the edge of the path with my bike laying beside me.  I wasn't drinking...I wasn't thirsty.  And in times of exercise the problem comes in that once you get to that point it's near impossible to 'catch up' on your water consumption while you are still exercising.  I'm very careful now.   But it makes sense and it also really makes sense as to why I'm retaining water/my weight is up on morning when I wake up just totally parched.  It's EVERY time.  (and isn't that crazy that we retain water when we are becoming dehydrated).

Sooo yes, my weight was up this morning.  I did NOTHING that would cause it to be up. I ate within my calories, I exercised (walk in the morning, zumba in the evening...so two hours of exercise).  No reason.  Well, I did eat late (zumba doesn't get over until 7:45).  So I'm not concerned.  I'm drinking my water today....my meals are all planned out.  I've got zumba tonight again for exercise.  And I'm just going to keep on keeping on and ignore that pesky number today!

I'm workin' it!

I did it.  My chanting (typing) whatever you want to call it last night worked.  I did not succumb to the temptation to eat a hole through the pantry door!  Small victories. 

This week starts another week. I'm down on the scales so I'm a happy girl. (I actually didn't weigh  myself today, but I was down significantly yesterday)   I'm rolling with the active lifestyle, getting up off the couch daily and just being active!   Today Zumba restarts for the year.  I'm tickled!  YAY!

Meanwhile, I wrote the other day about the really cold early morning hike we had on Friday......well on Saturday we went out.  Totally different.  We hiked on the canal down at Weaverton and there was ice in the water on the canal, but I was wearing a long sleeved tee shirt and a hooded zip up sweatshirt......half way through the walk, the sweatshirt had to go.  :-)





Sunday we woke up and mid morning Todd and I went out walking on the canal closer to home.  It was a bit cool still while we went out, but we walked. 



Todd went to work and a friend came over and we headed up to WIllimasport and walked on the canal up there.





And if THAT wasn't enough, I ended up meeting someone else on the battlefield right before dusk and walking a bit with them! 



I'm starting today out right.  Todd and I got up before dawn, had breakfast and we headed to the battlefield and we walked while the sun came up.  Got another hour of walking in today (plus zumba tonight...I"m on a roll!)



So I'm working toward living a more active lifestyle.    The good thing about walking with Todd in the morning?   He has some major digestive problems.  He is supposed to take a pill 1/2 hour before he eats to help his digestion work properly.  They work sporadically.  But thes last 5 days we've walked in the morning, he's not gotten sick ONCE.   Coincidence?   Time will tell!

feeding an addiction? or not???

I will not eat because I"m sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm Sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad......that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I"m sad;....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad, that is feeding my addiction.

Well at least it got me out of the kitchen.  Yes, I was putting together a breakfast casserole in the kitchen and I was really struggling.  Really struggling to not eat.  I know I'm a bit sad.....It was a rough day.  And I wanted to tear the pantry doors off their hinges and just start shovelling food into my mouth.  I started chanting in my head, I will not feed my addiction.  And then  it came to me to just write out the litany over and over.     I guess it helped, because I'm not staring into the pantry like a starving wolf staring into a hen house!

Empowerment

I started out slowly.  Right around Christmas I started thinking about it.  I started to try to make more health conscious choices....I moved slowly.  A few days before New Years and I was rolling.  So here I sit. It's the sixth day of the new year and I feel strong.  I feel alive.  I feel empowered.

Why?  Yes, I struggled again last night with the overwhelming loneliness and the utter sadness that just ripped through my soul.  But yet I feel empowered.  Isn't that a weird dichotomy?   I however DO understand where this feeling of empowerment comes from.

I've talked many times about how I KNOW that I have a food addiction.  I struggle with this need to feel that 'high' from the most awesome tasting food.  I want that. It's a really hard addiction to conquer because I can't just remove myself from a situation in which I may be confronted with my vice (IE stay out of bars if I"m an alcoholic)  No, I'm forced to confront my addiction three times a day.  Each and every meal I have to stare my addiction in the face and say "SCRAM....I'm not falling prey to your tempting pull". And sadly enough for the last year I have allowed my food addiction to win quite a few times. 

However, after only 6 or 8 days into being back on track and actually having control, I feel empowered.  I have been battling this addiction and in the last 6-8 days I've won!  I know that I will battle it for the rest of my life....but I'm in awe of the feeling of empowerment that flows through me just knowing that I've stared it in the face and I've won just for these few days.  Yes, it IS a huge victory.  But being in control is the best feeling in the world!   Do I still want to eat bad stuff and lots of it?  Yes...I'm an addict.  But Being in control tastes better than the high that food gives...and you know what?  It lasts longer too!

Control.....Control.....Control.......this is the one area of my life that I CAN control.  And you know what? It feels damn good!

Went out for a walk again this morning.  1 hour down!  :-)  It was cold again, but we just bundled up!

Mile Marker on the C&O Canal on the segment that we walked today.



Bundling up.  Yes, I wear a hat with flaps....it's SOOOOO toasty warm!

Beating down the addiction

Yesterday started out gorgously for me.  On the way to work I saw the most gorgeous sunrise.  My cell phone didn't do it justice.  There was this shaft of light shooting vertically. It was enough that I pulled to the side of the road to look at it.  My day was starting out grand!!!



Yesterday evening was a rough one for me.  I had planned out my day of eating.  I was right on target all day....all was good with my eating.  And then I went to an appointment.  This appointment typically wipes me out.  Many times I just go home and sleep.   But yesterday I didn't go home and sleep. But all afternoon and evening I just had this lingering feeling of lonliness and just utter sadness.  (Not healthy I know and I'm really trying to figure out the internal happiness stuff at the same time as I'm trying to get my physical side in line).  But why I share this is because I ate my dinner.  It was a tasty dinner and was plentiful (turkey burger , baked sweet potato fries, green beans and applesauce) but all evening I just looked longingly toward the kitchen.  Why in the world?  Why?    There was pretzels out there.  There was fig newtons out there.  There was any number of things that would taste sooo good passing my lips!  But my calorie count was DONE for the day.  I wanted to eat something so bad.  But I just KNEW that the only reason I wanted to eat was to feed my feelings.  You see, I eat and food is my friend. Food gives me that high, that feeling of happiness that I was missing.  I have an addiction to food.  And when things got rough, I wanted to turn to that addiction.   

BUT.......I know that food was not going to take that feeling away.  I KNOW that food would be a temporary salve to my soul.  The balm would only last until the last bite had passed my lips....or rather passed my taste buds.  At that point the salve would turn very bitter and not only would I once again have the feeling of lonliness and sadness....but it would be coupled with regret.  Regret because I ate something that I didn't need.  Regret because I'm trying so hard to eat healthy and I slipped.  Self hatred is a nasty thing.  And you know what?  The return of those feelings coupled with the self hatred is many instances enough to send me back to the kitchen for more food.  It's a vicious cycle!!!

I held firm.  I played the kinect for an hour or so. So not exactly exercise, but at least I was moving.

This morning I got up early and put breakfast together and popped it into the oven (I made a quiche).  While the quiche was baking I popped in Zumba and worked out for abotu 20 minutes.  We ate breakfast and we bundled up and out we went for a walk on the canal.  I'm going to win this war!!!!! 








Today is a new day.  I've already been active for an hour and 20 minutes.  I've laid out my eating plan for the day.  I'm on track.  As for the feelings that I fear will attack tonight. I'm laying out some plans to basically keep myself busy.  If I'm busy and active, those feeligns won't have time to surface....and if they don't have time to surface, then I won't be tempted with the draw of my addiction!

January 4, 2012

I think that i've started out pretty decently on my quest to get back to being healthy. I'm trying to move more...i'm trying to make healthier food choices...all that. I want to lose the weight (and i want to lose it NOW...I admit) but I don't want to be fanatical. if I'm fanatical, then the weight won't STAY off!!!!

In the past I've purchased all the fat free and low calorie items.  I've eradicated everything possible from my diet that I didn't need.  Pared back.  Elminated.   I"m not saying that that's a bad thing.  Not at all.  And I do plan to do some of that.  Afterall, if there is comparable items to use that saves...heck yes!   BUT I'm not going fanatical.  This time around, I want it to be a forever change.  Fanatical is not a forever change.  (And I wasn't as fanatical about it as some people go).  I want to strike a good balance between living and being healthy.  I don't want to have to spend 4 hours a day exercising to maintain.  But I do want to live a more active life.  I don't want to eat dry lettuce for the rest of my life. But I am willing to eat more fruits and veggies and cut out some of the sweets.  Ok, MOST of the sweets.  It's not a long term solution to cut that stuff totally.  Life without a cookie...or a piece of cake......not a life at all!  Life without pizza would be HORRIBLE!   LOL

That said.........the last time I lost the weight I never really cut back my portions....I just ate so much healthier (tons of fruist and veggies and other low cal things).  Ok, my portions were cut back some.......lol   This time around, I want to work on cutting back my portions.  It means taht in a restaurant I'm gonig to have to ask for a box at the BEGINNING of my meal.  I know me.  I'm a foodie.  I'm a food addict.  If they put the plate in front of me...even if I have plans to only eat half, when I'm done with my half, I'll plow through the other half too.  If it's boxed up....I won't!   So there are tricks to doing it.  Ohhh and the beauty of it?  I"m just as satisfied (if not more so) with only half of a meal most of the time.  Becasue face it...most restaurants give HUGE portions!  :-)  

The scales are starting to show progress....so that's GOOD!

January 3, 2012

I'm back to work today.  Part of me is bummed out, I mean...I don't want to have to go to work and be bored.  But then part of me is happy to get back to 'normal living'.  You see, I can settle into a routine and losing weight is MUCH easier with a routine!  

I picked up lots of fruit to start out my year.  I've played zumba on the Kinect two days in a row to get some activity. (I'm not rolling to call it exercise.....that is to 'diety' and I'm not dieting. I'm changing my lifestyle).  Todd and I also played a few other games on the kinect....and boy some of those made me sore!  Using muscles that i'm not used to. In particulare the boxing on Motion sports.  Of course it probably didn't help that Todd and i had a fight a few hours earlier and since nothing was resolved, I still had deeply buried feelings (and not good ones).  Yeah, I knocked him out every time we played.  BEAT DOWN.  He didn't have a chance!  But I put so much force into my punches that the muscles in my back are SORE!   Bring it on! (I highly recommend the game for those having a fight with your spouse!)

So my first two days have gone well.  I feel as if I've made some good choices and started to live healthier and cleaner!   This is MY YEAR!

A new year!

Happy New Year!!!!!

This is the year that I'm gonna do it!   I'm going to get my life straightened out.  That means weight, love, finances.  EVERYTHING!!! 

I have no resolutions.  I just know that I'm not living.  I've let life overtake me.  I want to live.  I want to suck everything that I can out of life.   It's gonna be hard, I've got some HUGE hurdles to overcome.   So no real resolutions.....just accept and embrace life!

I WILL

I don't know what clicked.  But last night we were driving home from dinner and I just knew it was time.  I am ready to get started with this weight loss.  I'm ready to put the time into cooking healthy.  I'm ready to put the time into exercise.  I"m just ready.  

Last night we stopped at Target to return a movie (The Kings Speech...excellent movie, we liked it so much that I bought a copy for Todd for Christmas and he bought a copy for me for Christmas...LOL)   We used that return money AND some Christmas money to actually pick out some games for the Kinect that "santa" gave me.  We finally had time to set it up the other night and played the games that came with it...but I had originally wanted the Kinect for the dancing games.  Todd wanted it for the boxing games.  :-)   So we picked up a few games.  I came home and did a '20 minute zumba workout'.  I worked up a sweat.  :-)  Just like a zumba class...the time FLEW by!

I talked for quite a bit with my brother last night at dinner.  I have left him off the hook (momentarily) about training with me to participate in a triathlon.  I have too many loose ends on my own to clear up and get in line to do that on my own.  BUT, I told him that I would be calling him for a different project.  What is that project?   Well.  On my bucket list one item is to ride another quarter century.  Another item is to ride a half century and then of course the grand-daddy of them all....to ride a century!  Why not complete all three items in one fell swoop?   A century would do it!  SOOOOO  I'm on the lookout for a road bike.  I've been for quite some time looking on Craigslist and keeping my eye out at other online places for a decent road bike.  I had estimated that I would need a 52cm or a 54cm size....my brother also without my saying anything also said the same.  Haven't seen anything out there yet in the times i've really seriously looked over the last year. (admittedly I go through spurts where I look a lot and then spurts where I don't).  SOOOO anyway, when I get get myself a road bike, I'm going to be starting to train for a Century ride.  I also told my brother...no cheating.  No Metric Century......I want to do a complete 100 miles!  (yes, he said he would do it with me!  He says I should aim for a 200 mile two day ride on Mothers day weekend....hmmm if I got a bike quickly, that would be fun...pushing it...but fun!)

So it's just a thing of getting that bike.  Yes, I have a really nice bike.  I bought a Trek Navigator about 10-11 years ago.  My Trek is a GREAT bike.  It has treated me well.  It's PERFECT for jaunts on the canal.  And honestly, I do not plan on getting rid of my Trek Nav.........but it's time to add something that will help me acheive my goals.  (Even when I was training religiously on my bike, my top average speed was still only 12-13 mph.....because comfort bikes will not get you the speed...and do do a century...I need to get the speed.....)

So in the meantime, my exercise/fitness plan is to just do SOMETHING active on a daily basis.  I'm not setting some fitness routine at this point.  I'm not in training mode (at this point) which requires me to ride certain times and days and amounts.  That is subject to change at any moment....but i'm just going to MOVE.  I CAN start riding my bike ASAP because riding my comfort bike WILL help get me into riding shape (I need to get a new tube...I've had a flat tire since the end of May early June..).  I CAN religiously go to zumba (when it restarts on Jan 9.)  I CAN walk.  I CAN run. (me running...funny funny sight...but I can do it).  Cold days, I can do an exercise video, or turn on the kinect.  I'm NOT going to sit back and say "I can't because I dont' have what I want".    I'm forging ahead!  And I will get that bike....and I WILL ride a century.  This year, hopefully...but I WILL do it!

What if I didn't?

Yesterday I wrote about my goals for the first three months.  I decided it was time to put my 2012 goals down on paper.  They are not resolutions.  They are GOALS.  They are something that I can strive toward.   They are the direction that I want to move toward.  Yeah, I'd like to complete those things.  But the they are goals...attainable goals....and ones I will be striving toward!

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately.  Pondering about money and it's affect on living a healthy lifestyle.   I'm not destitute, but money is TIGHT.  I'm not using this as an excuse for how I've been operating and the weight I've gained.  I am the only one responsible....not the amount of money in my pocket, not someone Else's behavior toward me...it's all me.  But back to the money...  Because it is possible to be healthy and to thin if you have no money.  But it's come to my mind that it's much easier if money is a flowing a bit more 'happily'.

Let me start at the beginning.  For the longest time I've had on my bucket list to complete a triathlon. A few things have held me back.  1.  I've been scared to take the first step.  2.  I have no clue how to go about doing it.  but 3.  I don't have the money needed to outfit myself. (I need a road bike....and some coaching...because I highly doubt the doggie paddle would be sufficient...plus I would need to have a place TO swim).  So when I saw the blurb on CNN that talked about trying to be one of the contestants I jumped at it.....because they were going to give a bike and supply the coaches and whatnot...my eyes lit up!   I could kill two birds with one stone and of course since I would be doing it in front of the world....I'd have to face my fears and just do it!

I've been advised to not wait for some random person to decide my fate...to train for a triathlon myself.  My brother also offered to train with me (from a distance...I'd be training in MD he would be training in IN) and do a tri with me.  But the same problem comes up.  I need a road bike......I don't have the money to buy a decent on.  Decent ones START at $700.  I don't have the money to .......  You get the drift.   But that started my current state of pondering the correlation between obesity and economic status.

Food.  I know that they say that it's just as easy to eat healthy as it is to eat junk food.  But seriously?   Who came up with that.  I go to the grocery store and I spend around 5 bucks for a bag of grapes.  I could go as cheap as a buck for a bag of chips (OK OK OK, at an Aldi's or other discount store...and maybe it's a buck fifty or two bucks....but STILL).   Those two items last about the same....yet the grapes were double the price!   (Yes, I know...buy in season...but 'in season' in the middle of the winter isn't happening....in the summer yeah, I can pick up in season stuff and it puts it a BIT closer to being even...but still not quite).

The grocery store example not enough?  Fast food.....cheap cheap cheap.  Honestly, it is cheaper than most other options! 

Weight watchers?   The program works!  But it costs money.  How many other programs are out there that do work...but they cost money.  Yes, the concept is free.  Calories in versus calories out...have a deficit and you lose.  But those programs assist.   Are they necessary?  NO   Are the beneficial?  Yes, many times yes.

Lets look at exercise.  I've already talked about purchasing a decent road bike.....starting at $700.  Todd and I had for years been members at various gyms.  To the tune of sixty bucks a month! (for the two of us).  We did pare back for a few years and did the ultra cheap gym and that took us to an average (including yearly fees of about $30 a month for the two of us.   Better but still it adds up and hurts the wallet when you are really tight on money.    YES, walking is cheap.  And yes, I do have a bike that is a great bike....for it's purpose...but for the direction I want to go, it's not going to suffice.  And I'll be OK...I have those things, I have videos in my arsenal and such (thank goodness I have a stockpile of videos and stuff  from when we did have more money)  But what if I didn't?  

What if I didn't?  I know that I dont' like the economic constraints put upon me with the healthy lifestyle that i want to live.  I'm not pushing forward toward things that i really want to do because of them.  I'm constantly searching for ways to circumvent the financial issues....but I'm still forced to reconcile myself to them and put certain dreams on hold.   How many other people are in the same boat?  How many other people have dreams of healthy lifestyles but are hamstrung by their finances.  I'm lucky...I have those videos sitting at my house. I'm lucky......we are not destitute, we may have to scrap it together some months, but we both consider it important enough to pay for the healthy foods.    I'm lucky, I have a bike that i CAN ride, even if it's not what I need for my future goals.   I have that.  But what if I didn't?  

Spring Chick Challenge

I'm joining the Spring Chick Challenge....It basically has 5 points that we are focusing on....




1. Commit to a NSV (non scale victory) to be assessed at the start and the conclusion of the challenge.

My NSV for this challenge is to drop a clothing size (and thus be able to get into more of my work clothes...I'm getting tired of my limited wardrobe!)

2. Commit to a set of nutrition parameters and track via MyFitnessPal or Sparkpeople or WW. Whatever tracking works for you. IF you are on maintenance and do not really track. What nutrition goals do your have?

My Nutrition plan is to basically track my food intake and my calorie expenditure and to have a deficit, to burn more than I eat! Right now i am tracking on fitday.com. I have been toying with getting a bodybugg which would mean I'd be switching to that tracking system.

3. Commit to a set of exercise parameters. These can be as loose or as flexible as you feel work for your personality, schedule, etc.

My only exercise parameter is that I exercise for at LEAST 60 minutes 4times a week. I want to aim for more. HOWEVER, I know that I'm just getting started and I need to set a realistic goal! As for what I'll be doing? That's the question of the day. My zumba classes will restart on January 8th.....I want to start walking and whatnot. I am also toying with starting a training regime.......

4. Commit to blogging at least twice weekly and 1 of those times must be you check in with a complete up date on your progress. All other blogs could include new insights, results of weekly challenges, or just letting others know how you are doing.

Not a problem. :-) As I know that I am more focused when I'm blogging......so I'm trying to blog numerous times throughout the week (while I'm at work...so usually monday through Friday)


5. Commit to support... both giving and receiving. Check others blogs and comment as you feel motivated to do.

Once again....not a problem....

The wrong way

Long weekend and honestly...I'm exhausted!  My days started early, my evenings ended late....and I was on the go from the first moment until the last.  My eating hasn't been the greatest.....the only good thing is that I was moving.  Although I have almost entirely stopped the binges....I'm eating at my meals and nothing in between (just chosing bad...I had french fries twice yesterday...lol)  Not exactly exercise but MOVING. (ie yesterday we walked ALL around DC and I was on my feet the whole time!)

Christmas was good.  But it's over and now I'm starting to get my mind game on losing this weight.  I want it GONE....and I'm ready to work for it.

I've been thinking a lot about the weight recently.  I had great success.  I lost over 130 pounds. I was on top of the world.  So why did I gain it back?   That is the question of the hour.  Because I don't want to go through this again.  I want to lose it and KEEP it off.  SOOO thinking a lot......   The first time around I lost for a variety of reasons.  Yes, I lost becuase I wanted to LIVE...I wanted to be healthy so that when the time came to have a baby I'd be ready and healthy...but I'm gonna be really honest here.  I lost to show up someone in my life.  I had visions of seeing this person walking down the street and me so very proud of how svelte I looked.  Prideful?   Absolutely!    Did it work well to motivate me?  Yeah. And yes, I did have that aha moment when that person saw me and I was thin.....but after that initial rush of pride....I was left with nothing...the motivation was done.     Prideful.....absolutely.  Am I proud of it?  No.    

The biggest motivator for me though?   I somehow convinced myself that someone in my life would love me if I lost the weight. I worked tirelessly.  I was so focused and motivated.  I lost that weight.  I was on top of the world.  I was ready to claim the prize.  Only the prize wasn't waiting there for me.  This person didn't miraculously begin to love me more.  This person didn't just look at me one day and say "WOW, you are the greatest thing!"  It didn't work.  I was a failure.   My mission was not a success.  Yeah, I lost the weight, but it didn't solve the woes of my world.  It didn't make my world the happy place that I thought it was going to.   And I started to fall back on the addiction that I had pushed to the back of my mind.  I started to self medicate myself with food.   I ate to drown my failure.  I ate to feel better.  I ate to forget about the love that I so desperately wanted....and I regained the weight.  After all, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...why not be fat again....being thin didn't bring me what i so desperately wanted.

Only, it's NOT my failure.  I just was looking to claim a prize that was not mine to claim.  Oh yeah, I still want that love.....and I am sure that the struggle to NOT self medicate myself with food will be a real and continuing problem in my future.  I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I was a success...but I turned that success into a failure......(but it's gonna be a TEMPORARY failure. )  But the big difference?  This time I'm going to do it because:
 I DESERVE to be thin.
 I DESERVE to feel on top of the world.
 I DESERVE to have men look at me and whistle.
 I DESERVE to be a healthy.
I DESERVE to have a smokin' hot body should any major un-named changes occur in my life.

I am worth it!!!!!!!  I am doing it this time for ME!   ONLY me.  Why?   Because I AM WORTH IT!!!!

Gonna have to remind myself of that daily.....because it's so easy to forget!

Productive progress

Soooo...this morning woke up and after breakfast with Todd I was most productive.  I straightened the living room and bedroom, vaccumed and shampooed the carpets, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, swept and scrubbed (on hands and knees) the kitchen floor, made muffins for Todd, peeled and chopped my potatoes for tonights dinner, carted the compost down tot he bins, cleaned out my car and made the bed.   I love productivity. 

Interesting.  I feel more alive and part of the world when I've been productive.  How interesting is taht.  The days I"m a sluggard and just laze around the house I feel kinda useless.  But today I feel alive.  Very interesting.  :-)

Yesterday I kept my between meal binges to a nil....non existent binging between meals.  That's good.  I overate a bit at one meal and I didn't eat exactly healthy at another....but at least I didn't binge between meals (which has been a problem the last few weeks......PROGRESS!)

Today I'm working on water and the between meal binging.  :-)  I knew that it woudl be difficult because we ate a late breakfast and then it's a long haul until dinner....so I brought something for a mid afternoon snack.  I knew that if I dind't, I'd raid teh cookies, the candies and all the other goodies that have been dropped off here at work.     Progress. 

So yes, although my steps are baby steps, I'm making progress.