I'm not in a good place. I am disgusted with myself. I'm saddened by the fact that I did something that I swore I would never do (regain the weight). I'm mad at my body for the signs and symptoms that the added weight have returned to me. I'm angry at the addiction that seems to take over. But in the same breath, I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my addiction.
I think what makes it worse is that I've felt the taste of thinness. I've felt what it feels like to live without weight related aches and pains. I've tasted the the sweetness and I want it back!!!!!
My eating has actually been within my points range both on Monday and Tuesday. Admittedly, Monday while it had lots of fruits and veggies was a little heavy on carbs. Tuesday, I got in an hour of tennis and an hour of zumba.....but I had a really late dinner (9PM). But I was within my points allotment for the day. So taht's good. I'm trying! I hope that I can see some progress on the scales SOON!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Wow....it's been just about two weeks....lots to talk about
Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote. What a whirlwind. On September 2, 2010 at 6PM, my vacation officially began. I relaxed that evening, but the next morning started the mad pace of activity. I had set a goal to at least maintain my weight on my vacation. I knew it was going to be difficult. But I was hoping! I just looked back...the monday before my vacation started I was at 229.0. So that was my starting point.
Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright. Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin. The projects? Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen. So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday. So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me). Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor. Breakfast...at home. Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend). Dinner Chinese food. So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating. The only saving grace? I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.
Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South. Our first stop? Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum. We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.
We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin' I ordered the 'sides bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies. I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them). We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton. We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel. We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes. Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.
Monday dawned and we headed out. Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA. Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home). We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30.
The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern. Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30. So we simply toured the tavern.
After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).
On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.
We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home. We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.
Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring. Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning. Dinner....veggies and rice. I did make it to Zumba that evening!
Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds. YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried. Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember. We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.
Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.
Friday....off again. We headed to Lancaster County, PA. We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen. We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon. After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery) I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.
Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters. We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there. We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show. We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters. I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie. We drove home and that day was over.
Sunday started at 5AM. We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization. It was a long day. Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down. But for a good cause. :-)
Monday...back to work......boooo But I weighed myself yesterday morning 229.4. So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory. I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right. I didn't exercise yesterday. But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night. WOO HOOO!
Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright. Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin. The projects? Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen. So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday. So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me). Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor. Breakfast...at home. Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend). Dinner Chinese food. So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating. The only saving grace? I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.
Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South. Our first stop? Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum. We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.
We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin' I ordered the 'sides bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies. I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them). We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton. We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel. We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes. Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.
Monday dawned and we headed out. Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA. Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home). We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30.
The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern. Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30. So we simply toured the tavern.
After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).
On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.
We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home. We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.
Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring. Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning. Dinner....veggies and rice. I did make it to Zumba that evening!
Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds. YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried. Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember. We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.
Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.
Friday....off again. We headed to Lancaster County, PA. We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen. We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon. After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery) I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies. We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.
Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters. We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there. We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show. We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters. I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie. We drove home and that day was over.
Sunday started at 5AM. We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization. It was a long day. Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down. But for a good cause. :-)
Monday...back to work......boooo But I weighed myself yesterday morning 229.4. So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory. I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right. I didn't exercise yesterday. But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night. WOO HOOO!
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Peace
I have not given up. I"m still trying to eat healthy. It's difficult sometimes. I'm also making a real effort to get exercise back into my daily routine. I went walking on monday, on Wednesday I rode the exercise bike and this morning I drug myself (and my husband) out of bed for trip to the tennis courts.
But mostly, of late, I'm trying to find peace within myself. Peace with everything that's going on.....most of which I have little or no control over. Peace.......HIGHLY UNDERRATED!
Monday, August 30, 2010
I haven't given up. Although my actions of the last few days would indicate thus. Today, my weight is at 229.0 pounds. I'm back on track hot and heavy......I'm worried, because it is easier for me to keep things under control with the daily routine of work. And starting Thursday at 6PM, my vacation starts. It is so tempting and so easy to eat out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some days I'll almost have to as we travel and are out and about. So I'm quite nervous. But I'm going to do it!
Exercise.....well, I did start my training...and then I forgot all about it. Oh I kept saying I had grand plans to go out and jog...or go out and do something. But grand plans only get you so far.....implementation is much more important. (well, you can't implement something if you don't have grand plans.....so how about I say implementation is the thing that makes or breaks the grand plan).
The stress that I'm under is getting pretty bad. When I was teaching, my throat would tighten up....and I would have difficulty swallowing and not so much breathing, but it was uncomfortable. That was all stress induced. I'm struggling with the same thing now. When the situation that is causing the stress rears it's ugly head, my throat closes up. I try to force myself to relax and to mentally reopen that throat...but that's sometimes easier said than done when the stress keeps smackin' you in the face. In all honesty, I'm freaked out. I know how close to the edge I was when I was teaching and my throat did that...... The only thing I wish would happen? When it got to that point, I was eating pretty much anything and everything, but the weight dropped off of my body. Literally a pound or two a day.......that would be nice. LOL But no, not healthy...and no, as much as I'd like to lose the weight quickly....that's NOT how I need to be doing it!
Exercise.....well, I did start my training...and then I forgot all about it. Oh I kept saying I had grand plans to go out and jog...or go out and do something. But grand plans only get you so far.....implementation is much more important. (well, you can't implement something if you don't have grand plans.....so how about I say implementation is the thing that makes or breaks the grand plan).
The stress that I'm under is getting pretty bad. When I was teaching, my throat would tighten up....and I would have difficulty swallowing and not so much breathing, but it was uncomfortable. That was all stress induced. I'm struggling with the same thing now. When the situation that is causing the stress rears it's ugly head, my throat closes up. I try to force myself to relax and to mentally reopen that throat...but that's sometimes easier said than done when the stress keeps smackin' you in the face. In all honesty, I'm freaked out. I know how close to the edge I was when I was teaching and my throat did that...... The only thing I wish would happen? When it got to that point, I was eating pretty much anything and everything, but the weight dropped off of my body. Literally a pound or two a day.......that would be nice. LOL But no, not healthy...and no, as much as I'd like to lose the weight quickly....that's NOT how I need to be doing it!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Talking to some of my zumba girls last night after our class and I mentioned that me legs felt heavy. Just heavy. I didn't have the umphf last night. Nothing hurt...but I just felt weighted down. Well, this morning....yeah, I hurt. Not sure why. We did do a whole bunch of different songs, so I could have been using my muscles slightly differently than normal. But I think it goes back to the beginnings of my training. My knees are sore and my shins are sore. Is it going to stop me? Heck no! I had already decided to not go to zumba tonight. When I decided to do two nights of Zumba a week, I had made the commitment to do every Tuesday night....and Wednesdays when I could....depending on my husbands schedule. Up until now, it's not been bad. Yeah, he may be off on Tuesday and Wednesday nights...but as long as he had off another night close by...well, I've not worried about it. So this week....well, I haven't had an evening (or day for that matter) with my husband since a week ago this past Monday....and the upcoming schedule isn't looking much better. Literally I'm usually asleep when he gets home...and he's asleep when I wake up. If we are awake at the same time....one of us is groggy and ready to fall asleep or having just awoken. Soooo I'm skipping zumba tonight.
I'm starting to worry about something....my mental capacity. I don't think I'm as sharp as I used to be. I don't know if it's becuase I'm working a job that really doesn't require me to use much brain power or if I'm simply getting old or if there is some defieciency in my diet or life that is causing me to feel sluggish mentally. Whatever it is...I'm kinda worried about it.
My weight....227 and some change this morning. So slighly better than Monday. That's what I like to see...progress.
I'm starting to worry about something....my mental capacity. I don't think I'm as sharp as I used to be. I don't know if it's becuase I'm working a job that really doesn't require me to use much brain power or if I'm simply getting old or if there is some defieciency in my diet or life that is causing me to feel sluggish mentally. Whatever it is...I'm kinda worried about it.
My weight....227 and some change this morning. So slighly better than Monday. That's what I like to see...progress.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The plan of attack
I made it to the gym last night...I had some errends in town while I was there, so my workout got cut short, but it was all good. I have my current pace for a mile. 14 minutes for a mile. So conceivably, I would run a 5K in 45 minutes. I say conceivably...becuase addmittedly, I get tired so I start to slow down and I start to walk more.
Sooooo my plan of attack:
1. Work on endurance...I have to be able to be consistent with my 3 miles....being able to do my 14 minute mile consistently for the whole 3.1 miles.
2. Push myself to run more and walk less. (my first mile I did really good last night...ran four walked one...but that started dropping as the time progressed)
3. Speed it up. last night I did my walk at 3.5...and my run (jog) at 5. As they said in the episode of I Love Lucy while she was in the chocolate factory "Speed 'er up!"
4. When I'm on a treadmill, try to increase my inline. (I did some of my run on a slight incline...it really did make a difference). I've read that when on a treadmill, that doing a slight incline helps make a treadmill run more like a road run.
Sooo there is my plan. I have my base test results.....now to improve.
Tonight is Zumba! YIPPEE!
My eating...under control yesterday. I did have a treat of ice cream last night, but well within my budget of food points!
Sooooo my plan of attack:
1. Work on endurance...I have to be able to be consistent with my 3 miles....being able to do my 14 minute mile consistently for the whole 3.1 miles.
2. Push myself to run more and walk less. (my first mile I did really good last night...ran four walked one...but that started dropping as the time progressed)
3. Speed it up. last night I did my walk at 3.5...and my run (jog) at 5. As they said in the episode of I Love Lucy while she was in the chocolate factory "Speed 'er up!"
4. When I'm on a treadmill, try to increase my inline. (I did some of my run on a slight incline...it really did make a difference). I've read that when on a treadmill, that doing a slight incline helps make a treadmill run more like a road run.
Sooo there is my plan. I have my base test results.....now to improve.
Tonight is Zumba! YIPPEE!
My eating...under control yesterday. I did have a treat of ice cream last night, but well within my budget of food points!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Not as bad
It wasn't all that good....but it was better than I expected. What am I talking about???? Why the scales this morning! 228.0
Yes, that's up......but let me review my week. And before I continue, let me say that I'm NOT making excuses. I am the one responsible for what I ate and how much I shovelled into my mouth. Me and me alone is responsible for losing that very fine layer of self control that I had exhibited in the preceding weeks.
I've alluded to some pretty massive stress happening in my life....it was bad at the beginning of last week....and it just grew and turned into one ball of worry and frustration over the weekend. I worked at trying to keep it under control. I really did. I had all sorts of activities and projects planned for myself. I painted the bathroom, I moved all the furniture in the bedroom, I cleaned the rest of the house, I went out on a little photo shoot, I read a book, I slept in, I pondered what pictures to print up for my newly painted bathroom...then got them printed...then matted and framed them and of course then hung them on the wall. I blew through most of my list on Saturday....and I didn't eat all that much on Saturday. But then my day of relaxing came...Sunday, i did laundry and loafed around the house.....and practically ate the cupboards bare. I didn't even touch the fresh fruit that I had picked up on Saturday. I ate bread, bread and more bread. I ate ice cream, pasta, twizzlers, marshmallows. And I drank literally less than 16 ounces of water.....or any liquid for that matter. So my weekend was just not conducive to a good number on the scale.
But I'll be honest.....my week preceding the weekend wasn't either. I ate out with family, I ate at home, I ate on the run, I didn't get to eat at normal times so I ate at weird hours...when I was REALLY hungry (thus tending to overeat)......I ate from stress......I just didn't do all that well.
Soooo, this morning I was expecting to be up in the 230's...easy when I stepped onto the scales. I was very happy to see 228. Yes, that's still about 2 pounds...but it could have been worse. I'll take my gain...declare 228.0 my weight and move on!
I have my workout clothes here at work, so I can change into them and head up to the gym immediately. I know me, if I go home first...I won't leave! So I'm heading STRAIGHT for the gym. I plan on hopping on the treadmill and pushing myself with a jog/walk combo. Gotta get ready for my turkey trot on Thanksgiving day.......and yippee......I have a friend that is also training and aiming to run it with me. (Hi Sherry!) So I'm motivated to run this thing....and I'm motivated by having a partner. A win win in my book.
Three months and two days until Thanksgiving (yikes, I need to start working on Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephew as we will exchange Christmas gifts that week since we won't see them over Christmas). Three months.....10 pounds a month.....which is 2.25 pounds a week..........pretty stiff goal. But if I'm running at least three times a week....and zumba at least two times a week...that's a good amount of exercise! Plus I want to get some time in on the bike....I have bike rides coming up next year...I can't allow my biking legs (muscles) to get totally out of whack! At the worst, I'm aiming for 20 pounds. But 30 pounds would get me past that 200 pound mark. Ohhh I can almost taste the wonderful feeling of being in onederland again!
I do have some challenges coming up in my new and improved plan. Number one, I no longer have the motivation of weight watchers meetings...I will still be following that plan...but they changed the meeting times on me and I can't attend each week....and honestly, paying $40 a month to go to 1-2 meetings. Not worth it. Number two.....in a week and a half (or something close to that) I'll be on vacation. Todd and I are planning to spend most of it at home, working around the house and yard. If our itinerary remains what it is right now, I'll still be able to make it to my zumba both Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. Toward the beginning of our vacation time, we will be going to Staunton, VA....toward the end of our vacation, we'll be heading to Lancaster....just short hops both times. BUT, both hotels we are staying in DO have a fitness centers and pools (one indoor, one outdoor). So I have no excuse to NOT exercise. Plus, both are located in REALLY scenic areas that if I wanted to, I could conceivable go outside for a jog. So if I can stay motivated with my exercise, it will simply be a thing of managing my eating. YIKES....that's difficult. (both of those mini trips, will have a fair amount of walking in them at least). But you know what.......that is just ONE week (OK, 10 days) out of the next three months.....even if I fail that week (not planning on it), I have many more weeks to hold it together and succeed!
Yes, that's up......but let me review my week. And before I continue, let me say that I'm NOT making excuses. I am the one responsible for what I ate and how much I shovelled into my mouth. Me and me alone is responsible for losing that very fine layer of self control that I had exhibited in the preceding weeks.
I've alluded to some pretty massive stress happening in my life....it was bad at the beginning of last week....and it just grew and turned into one ball of worry and frustration over the weekend. I worked at trying to keep it under control. I really did. I had all sorts of activities and projects planned for myself. I painted the bathroom, I moved all the furniture in the bedroom, I cleaned the rest of the house, I went out on a little photo shoot, I read a book, I slept in, I pondered what pictures to print up for my newly painted bathroom...then got them printed...then matted and framed them and of course then hung them on the wall. I blew through most of my list on Saturday....and I didn't eat all that much on Saturday. But then my day of relaxing came...Sunday, i did laundry and loafed around the house.....and practically ate the cupboards bare. I didn't even touch the fresh fruit that I had picked up on Saturday. I ate bread, bread and more bread. I ate ice cream, pasta, twizzlers, marshmallows. And I drank literally less than 16 ounces of water.....or any liquid for that matter. So my weekend was just not conducive to a good number on the scale.
But I'll be honest.....my week preceding the weekend wasn't either. I ate out with family, I ate at home, I ate on the run, I didn't get to eat at normal times so I ate at weird hours...when I was REALLY hungry (thus tending to overeat)......I ate from stress......I just didn't do all that well.
Soooo, this morning I was expecting to be up in the 230's...easy when I stepped onto the scales. I was very happy to see 228. Yes, that's still about 2 pounds...but it could have been worse. I'll take my gain...declare 228.0 my weight and move on!
I have my workout clothes here at work, so I can change into them and head up to the gym immediately. I know me, if I go home first...I won't leave! So I'm heading STRAIGHT for the gym. I plan on hopping on the treadmill and pushing myself with a jog/walk combo. Gotta get ready for my turkey trot on Thanksgiving day.......and yippee......I have a friend that is also training and aiming to run it with me. (Hi Sherry!) So I'm motivated to run this thing....and I'm motivated by having a partner. A win win in my book.
Three months and two days until Thanksgiving (yikes, I need to start working on Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephew as we will exchange Christmas gifts that week since we won't see them over Christmas). Three months.....10 pounds a month.....which is 2.25 pounds a week..........pretty stiff goal. But if I'm running at least three times a week....and zumba at least two times a week...that's a good amount of exercise! Plus I want to get some time in on the bike....I have bike rides coming up next year...I can't allow my biking legs (muscles) to get totally out of whack! At the worst, I'm aiming for 20 pounds. But 30 pounds would get me past that 200 pound mark. Ohhh I can almost taste the wonderful feeling of being in onederland again!
I do have some challenges coming up in my new and improved plan. Number one, I no longer have the motivation of weight watchers meetings...I will still be following that plan...but they changed the meeting times on me and I can't attend each week....and honestly, paying $40 a month to go to 1-2 meetings. Not worth it. Number two.....in a week and a half (or something close to that) I'll be on vacation. Todd and I are planning to spend most of it at home, working around the house and yard. If our itinerary remains what it is right now, I'll still be able to make it to my zumba both Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. Toward the beginning of our vacation time, we will be going to Staunton, VA....toward the end of our vacation, we'll be heading to Lancaster....just short hops both times. BUT, both hotels we are staying in DO have a fitness centers and pools (one indoor, one outdoor). So I have no excuse to NOT exercise. Plus, both are located in REALLY scenic areas that if I wanted to, I could conceivable go outside for a jog. So if I can stay motivated with my exercise, it will simply be a thing of managing my eating. YIKES....that's difficult. (both of those mini trips, will have a fair amount of walking in them at least). But you know what.......that is just ONE week (OK, 10 days) out of the next three months.....even if I fail that week (not planning on it), I have many more weeks to hold it together and succeed!
Friday, August 20, 2010
There is no excuse for my weight. It's up. No excuse whatsoever. I will say that for the last few days I've let my super crazy days and the stress of what is happening in my life along with the shock and stress of the doctors issue really get to me...and I've eaten. I haven't gone hog wild...but I've not eaten my fruits and veggies. I've eaten much more carbs and bad stuff than I should have been eating. I'm just not playing the game. That changes. I am going to do my best today...today is another crazy day...one in which I don't have much say in what foods are set in front of me to eat. I do however have control of how much of those said foods I eat. (I left the house early this morning....and I won't be home until late tonight). I do vow to do the best I can. However, tomorrow marks a time when some of the craziness should be over....tonight is the last hurrah (my brother leaves tomorrow...boo hooo, but that means that I won't be working mad hours and then running up to spend every other waking minute with them....eating in my car on the way from one place to another...etc etc etc). I'm determined to eat healthy ...super healthy. Back to an overabundance of fruits and veggies. Good stuff only!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Shock
Life...Stop already. I'm done!
I'm tired of the stress, the worries that have been weighing me down. Then yesterday we recieve a letter from the Cancer Center at our local hospital. It was addressed to my husband and asked him to fill out a form about his health for the tumor registry. What? Ohh they must have made a mistake and gotten his information from the 'family of cancer patients' file. We've received stuff from them after his mother passed away from cancer...so I figured they got their wires crossed somewhere. But we thought we would call to let them know of this collosal error. I mean, you don't send out letters to survivors of cancer to people that have never had cancer. So we called.....and the lady that answered the phone was very nice....but she quickly set us straight and rattled off the date and test that todd had (one of many...but apparently THE ONE) of a test where they found and removed small cancerous rumor. A carcinoid to be exact..... We knew they saw some polyps...and that they would call us if anything was wrong...but we never got a call...we never heard the "C" word. YIKES! So since everything was fine with that test...and with a battery of other tests that he went through, we stopped going to the doctor. We always wondered why the doctor was concerned....but he was so vague...that's all he would say "I'm very concerned". But all the tests were clean...so we never understood! So fast forward 4 almost 5 years down the road...and we find out that indeed they removed a cancerous tumor. The GOOD news..and yes, indeed there is good news. To treat a carcinoid, the doctor removes the carcinoid and that is the end of the treatment....so if indeed it was removed, all should be ok. The bad news........follow up visits and tests to monitor were/are required and highly recommended. We had none of that. So waht has happened in the last 5 years? Yes, we are finding a NEW doctor. And yes, we will be going to the doctor ASAP. Sooo not cool.
To top it off......our phone and internet was out today...so I called to work to let them know that i was waiting for the repair man and thus had to take time. I got read the riot act for needing to take a personal day. Hello....this is not time I've had to take time for some emergency...and I'm laid low for it. This is getting old! they did get here and fix our cable (internet and phone) and I actually made it to work ontime...but if I didn't know that I'll probably be needing time off to take todd to doctors and tests (some of those tests I know he won't be allowed to drive afterward) I would have stayed home the rest of the day....but I'll make wise use of my benefit time that's left.
Forgot to weigh myself in the hustle and bustle of life this morning.....blech
I'm tired of the stress, the worries that have been weighing me down. Then yesterday we recieve a letter from the Cancer Center at our local hospital. It was addressed to my husband and asked him to fill out a form about his health for the tumor registry. What? Ohh they must have made a mistake and gotten his information from the 'family of cancer patients' file. We've received stuff from them after his mother passed away from cancer...so I figured they got their wires crossed somewhere. But we thought we would call to let them know of this collosal error. I mean, you don't send out letters to survivors of cancer to people that have never had cancer. So we called.....and the lady that answered the phone was very nice....but she quickly set us straight and rattled off the date and test that todd had (one of many...but apparently THE ONE) of a test where they found and removed small cancerous rumor. A carcinoid to be exact..... We knew they saw some polyps...and that they would call us if anything was wrong...but we never got a call...we never heard the "C" word. YIKES! So since everything was fine with that test...and with a battery of other tests that he went through, we stopped going to the doctor. We always wondered why the doctor was concerned....but he was so vague...that's all he would say "I'm very concerned". But all the tests were clean...so we never understood! So fast forward 4 almost 5 years down the road...and we find out that indeed they removed a cancerous tumor. The GOOD news..and yes, indeed there is good news. To treat a carcinoid, the doctor removes the carcinoid and that is the end of the treatment....so if indeed it was removed, all should be ok. The bad news........follow up visits and tests to monitor were/are required and highly recommended. We had none of that. So waht has happened in the last 5 years? Yes, we are finding a NEW doctor. And yes, we will be going to the doctor ASAP. Sooo not cool.
To top it off......our phone and internet was out today...so I called to work to let them know that i was waiting for the repair man and thus had to take time. I got read the riot act for needing to take a personal day. Hello....this is not time I've had to take time for some emergency...and I'm laid low for it. This is getting old! they did get here and fix our cable (internet and phone) and I actually made it to work ontime...but if I didn't know that I'll probably be needing time off to take todd to doctors and tests (some of those tests I know he won't be allowed to drive afterward) I would have stayed home the rest of the day....but I'll make wise use of my benefit time that's left.
Forgot to weigh myself in the hustle and bustle of life this morning.....blech
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Fear and a lesson learned
I've learned a valuable lesson. My normal eating habits are to eat light for breakfast....mostly fruits and veggies for lunch and then a normal meal. I'm satisfied (fruits and veggies are low cal/points...but I eat a lot of them) and I feel like I still get to eat normally. It works for me. When I started Zumba, I would pack a pb&j sandwich or some snack to eat on the way up the road to the class. Last week I didn't. Midway through the class...BOTH days, My stomach started to hurt. I pushed the discomfort aside and just pushed through. Both days, I drove home and my met my husband there.....he had already finished preparing dinner and it was on the table waiting for me. I remember one night I actually wondered how I was going to eat, as my stomach was bothering me. But I ate...and miraculously, the stomach ache went away. Could it be?? NOOOOO. So last night, at zumba...the same thing happened. I faced the music.....I don't want to say I was starving myself (no possible since I HAD eaten lunch)....but my body needed something more before a good workout. I pushed through the workout.....noticing that on songs that I really like, where I get lost in the choreography and moves, my stomach didn't hurt...but that on songs that I'm not overly fond of...my mind wandered and my stomach hurt. I had to run to Target after work...I ran in and I was hit with the smell of popcorn! I quickly did my business....my stomach just in knots with discomfort. I decided to take a chance. (thinking that it really was hunger.....and not a 'real' bellyache). On the way out of the store, I stoppped into the snack bar area. I grabbed a turkey and cheese sandwich and yes, the popcorn also. No, I dind't have the points for both of them (one...not both). But I dind't care. I ate some popcorn on the way to the car. The first couple bites caused my stomach to hurt worse....but soon, blessed relief. I ate the popcorn and the sandwich on the way home. Sooooo, the lesson of the day......eat something right before Zumba. And no.....I've NEVER been able to tell when I'm 'hungry'. My body has never received those signals taht say I'm hungry or satisfied. I bypass those stages and go right to 'pain'. And that's with feeling hungry and feeling full!
Fear.....fear holds me back in so many ways within my life. I'm often afraid to try new things becuase of fear. I hesitate to put myself out there...because of fear. It's fear of the unknown. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear fear fear. I don't like living my life this way. I'm TRYING to step out of my comfort zone and confront those fears head on. In April or May, I finally took a friends advice and tried Zumba. I swallowed my fear. I had never taken an exercise class before because of.....FEAR. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of doing something stupid. Fear of trying something new. Fear of doing it all alone. I went to my first class.....a scared little bunny. (scared fat bunny?) And you know what??? I found out that I really liked it. It wasn't scary. It wasn't bad. Yeah, I looked silly, but everyone does at one point or another. I faced my fears and went to the zumba-thon thing by myself...and had fun AND got in a great 3 hour workout! I was scared....I had to do something by myself. FEAR. I was afraid to ride in my first bike event...and found I liked that a lot also! And yes, I'm fearful of running a 5K.....the actual running, the actual event....everything. But I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone and do it.....I don't want to live in fear anymore....and even if I am fearful....I don't want to allow it to rule my life anymore!
That said....I'm having a difficult time finding information about the turkey trot. I thought I saw the info for this years (the 10th annual) but yesterday when I looked online, I saw nothing about this year. I hope they are doing it...and if not...I'll find another one to do....no worries about that!
Fear.....fear holds me back in so many ways within my life. I'm often afraid to try new things becuase of fear. I hesitate to put myself out there...because of fear. It's fear of the unknown. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear fear fear. I don't like living my life this way. I'm TRYING to step out of my comfort zone and confront those fears head on. In April or May, I finally took a friends advice and tried Zumba. I swallowed my fear. I had never taken an exercise class before because of.....FEAR. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of doing something stupid. Fear of trying something new. Fear of doing it all alone. I went to my first class.....a scared little bunny. (scared fat bunny?) And you know what??? I found out that I really liked it. It wasn't scary. It wasn't bad. Yeah, I looked silly, but everyone does at one point or another. I faced my fears and went to the zumba-thon thing by myself...and had fun AND got in a great 3 hour workout! I was scared....I had to do something by myself. FEAR. I was afraid to ride in my first bike event...and found I liked that a lot also! And yes, I'm fearful of running a 5K.....the actual running, the actual event....everything. But I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone and do it.....I don't want to live in fear anymore....and even if I am fearful....I don't want to allow it to rule my life anymore!
That said....I'm having a difficult time finding information about the turkey trot. I thought I saw the info for this years (the 10th annual) but yesterday when I looked online, I saw nothing about this year. I hope they are doing it...and if not...I'll find another one to do....no worries about that!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
STOP and regroup
I'm gonna do it. Ok, let me amend that. I'm going to try. Why I am changing from the absolute to the 'try' in my sentence is because of the fact that I do have problems with athritis in my knees. So I know that running may actually turn into something not so pretty. But, I want to do it. I want to conquer it and say "been there, done that" I want to push myself forward and step out of my comfort zone. I know that my love and my 'baby' will most likely remain bike riding. (And Donna....I'm planning on Girls with Gears again next year.....as well as Pedal to Preserve....so get your butt on the bike!!!.....and by the way, check her out when you get the chance...she's one amazing lady!)
My eating of late has not been good. I've not been totally off kilter. But I'm just not 100% on target with my eating. I'm vowing her and now to change that. My head hasn't been in the game for the last few days. I don't know if it's stress.....or if it's just the craziness (my brother and his family are in the area visiting, so I've been working....OT included.....and rushing around trying to spend as much time with them as possible). But, honestly...I think the biggest part is that I slipped up in my focus and once you lose sight of that focus, things spiral. I've only been spiralling for a day or two...but I want to STOP it right now before it gets out of hand! So I'm regrouping and refocusing!
My eating of late has not been good. I've not been totally off kilter. But I'm just not 100% on target with my eating. I'm vowing her and now to change that. My head hasn't been in the game for the last few days. I don't know if it's stress.....or if it's just the craziness (my brother and his family are in the area visiting, so I've been working....OT included.....and rushing around trying to spend as much time with them as possible). But, honestly...I think the biggest part is that I slipped up in my focus and once you lose sight of that focus, things spiral. I've only been spiralling for a day or two...but I want to STOP it right now before it gets out of hand! So I'm regrouping and refocusing!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Lofty? Or just perfect?
Whew....what a weekend. I spent it with my brother and his kids (and my parents). I didn't eat the best. So my weight was up a little bit this morning (I've got the picture at home ready..but I ran out of time to upload it before coming to work today...I'll post it later tonight).
I'm actually looking forward to my week so that I can get back in the routine of eating healthy and nutritiously. Yeah, shocks the heck out of me too.
Emotionally things are still crazy...but I'm going to redouble my efforts to take care of ME!
I'm really seriously contemplating training to run a 5K. There is one on Thanksgiving day. It's called the Turkey Trot. That would give me 3 months and 1 week. Is that enough time? Right now I'm just barely one click above walking....a slow jog....and I don't jog continuously. Hmmmmmm Is this too lofty?
I'm actually looking forward to my week so that I can get back in the routine of eating healthy and nutritiously. Yeah, shocks the heck out of me too.
Emotionally things are still crazy...but I'm going to redouble my efforts to take care of ME!
I'm really seriously contemplating training to run a 5K. There is one on Thanksgiving day. It's called the Turkey Trot. That would give me 3 months and 1 week. Is that enough time? Right now I'm just barely one click above walking....a slow jog....and I don't jog continuously. Hmmmmmm Is this too lofty?
Friday, August 13, 2010
On the fence?????
I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Yeah, that's the truth...not an excuse. I was actually thinking about it....but for some reason my routine got all catawumpus and I was dressed and eating breakfast and went ....woah doggie, I dind't weigh myself today. Not a big deal. But I'm curious as to what my weight is.
I haven't calculated last nights food yet...but I feel as if I'm skirting on the edge of not eating right. I've been within my points.....and I've had more than the recommended 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day. But Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have had ice cream in the evening (Fat free on two nights and a ww sundae cup the other night). last night, my family carted dinner down to my house and we ate. I actually probably didn't do as badly as I thought, but I just feel like I'm on the edge...and I need to reign it back in. I can do it...I KNOW I can do it....but I'll be honest, it's gonna be hard this weekend as I'll be up at my mom and dad's all weekend (except for sleeping) to be with my brother, his wife and their kids. That means being confronted with all the goodies that my mom has in the house for them. Being confronted with fast food meals when they go out for lunch. Mom a lot of the time makes fresh homemade bread to go with dinner.....yum. But I lose control and eat and eat and eat of the bread. So it will be a field of land mines. But I'm determined to walk away with a success under my belt.
Thighs are a bit sore today.....muscle wise. Not to worry, I'm sadistic enough that I like the burn of a sore muscle...it says to me that I've done something good for my body!
I haven't calculated last nights food yet...but I feel as if I'm skirting on the edge of not eating right. I've been within my points.....and I've had more than the recommended 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day. But Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have had ice cream in the evening (Fat free on two nights and a ww sundae cup the other night). last night, my family carted dinner down to my house and we ate. I actually probably didn't do as badly as I thought, but I just feel like I'm on the edge...and I need to reign it back in. I can do it...I KNOW I can do it....but I'll be honest, it's gonna be hard this weekend as I'll be up at my mom and dad's all weekend (except for sleeping) to be with my brother, his wife and their kids. That means being confronted with all the goodies that my mom has in the house for them. Being confronted with fast food meals when they go out for lunch. Mom a lot of the time makes fresh homemade bread to go with dinner.....yum. But I lose control and eat and eat and eat of the bread. So it will be a field of land mines. But I'm determined to walk away with a success under my belt.
Thighs are a bit sore today.....muscle wise. Not to worry, I'm sadistic enough that I like the burn of a sore muscle...it says to me that I've done something good for my body!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I'm feeling somewhat better today....still really blue and somewhat depressed, but somewhat better. I know, intrinsically at least that I am not a 'bad' person, that I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into myself. I need to learn to not allow external situations and factors cause me to stumble. Easier said than done...but I'll keep working on it.....and remember what I KNOW to be true (inside at least). SOooo thankful for my friends though....yesterday I had two really good friends reach out and remind me of who I am and what I'm worth. (thanks!)
After work last night, I headed to Zumba. I pushed myself as much as possible. I was a little flat footed the last part of the hour...I just felt like I didn't have the energy/drive. I pushed through it though and did it.
Last night, set the alarm for 6AM so that I could go to the gym. At 5:50 a driving, torrential downpour woke me up. Ok, I'm not walking outside in that if I could help it. So I turned off the alarm. I woke up again at 6:45...it was no longer raining...so I roused Todd and we headed off to the gym. I started on the treadmill. I have decided to step back into jogging. It's been since April (I think the last time was April...maybe May) since I jogged. I had started out way back when with 2 minutes jogging and roughly 3 minutes recovery (walking). I had built it up and could actually do pretty good. Still taking small recovery walks (1 minutes for every 9 jogged is where I think I was before I got sidetracked). I thought I would be back to square one. I mean, I haven't done much exercise (other than Zumba for months). So I hopped on....warmed up a few minutes with walking and then took off (ok ok ok, I didn't take off....I did step it up to a jog....I'm now where near FAST...it's a SLOW jog). I decided to just go. I made it 1 minute...then 2...then 3. I stopped at 8 and walked for 2. I was pretty tickled with myself. The rest of the time was 5 minutes jogged, 2 minutes walked...back and forth. After my time on the treadmill, I moved to a bike and pushed myself. I had a heart rate I wanted to stay at...(I set the bike up to adjust automatically to keep me there) and I pushed myself to maintain 100RPM's the whole time. So I pushed it there too.
Eating....doing ok. No real slip ups. Nothing really bad. All is good.Weight is actually holding somewhat steady this week thus far.
After work last night, I headed to Zumba. I pushed myself as much as possible. I was a little flat footed the last part of the hour...I just felt like I didn't have the energy/drive. I pushed through it though and did it.
Last night, set the alarm for 6AM so that I could go to the gym. At 5:50 a driving, torrential downpour woke me up. Ok, I'm not walking outside in that if I could help it. So I turned off the alarm. I woke up again at 6:45...it was no longer raining...so I roused Todd and we headed off to the gym. I started on the treadmill. I have decided to step back into jogging. It's been since April (I think the last time was April...maybe May) since I jogged. I had started out way back when with 2 minutes jogging and roughly 3 minutes recovery (walking). I had built it up and could actually do pretty good. Still taking small recovery walks (1 minutes for every 9 jogged is where I think I was before I got sidetracked). I thought I would be back to square one. I mean, I haven't done much exercise (other than Zumba for months). So I hopped on....warmed up a few minutes with walking and then took off (ok ok ok, I didn't take off....I did step it up to a jog....I'm now where near FAST...it's a SLOW jog). I decided to just go. I made it 1 minute...then 2...then 3. I stopped at 8 and walked for 2. I was pretty tickled with myself. The rest of the time was 5 minutes jogged, 2 minutes walked...back and forth. After my time on the treadmill, I moved to a bike and pushed myself. I had a heart rate I wanted to stay at...(I set the bike up to adjust automatically to keep me there) and I pushed myself to maintain 100RPM's the whole time. So I pushed it there too.
Eating....doing ok. No real slip ups. Nothing really bad. All is good.Weight is actually holding somewhat steady this week thus far.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Self worth
I have no idea where this post came from or why...other than maybe I just needed to say it out loud to myself.....
Loving ourselves....self esteem.
That's a really difficult thing to do sometimes. But it's so necessary because if we don't care and love ourselves, then we tend to not want to take the time and effort necessary to make the changes (and turn them into habits) for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.
I've been kicked to the ground a bunch of times in my adult life. Starting with college when I was told by the resident director that people hated me...that 'people see you walking toward them and they move to the other side of the hall/street to get away from you'. Yes, that is a quote of just one of the many things that were spouted off to me. I sunk into a depression and actually believed what had been said to me. My friends gathered around me and told me time and time again that it was NOT true....and that it was the work of a jealous person that was good friends with the RD. I learned the value of TRUE friends...but it was still a real blow to my self esteem.
Fast forward through years of trying to get a teaching job....rejection upon rejection. A good friend stabbing me in the back. (not literally...quite figuratively). A job teaching that turned really really bad. That pushed me once again into a depression....and rocked me to the core, totally knocking my already fragile self esteem. I'm currently in a situation that is threatening to destroy what is left of my self worth. I'm struggling...I'm angry at God about situation...but I'm trying to not focus on that anger or the way that this situation is making me feel (worthless....unworthy...etc etc etc) and to take time for myself, to make sure I am at least operating daily as if I cared about myself.....It's a hard hard battle to fight....right now I'm just fakin' in.
That said....my weight is holding steady thus far this week. I'm happy about that. I did my hour of zumba last night and I will go again tonight. This morning I bee-bopped around the house vacuuming, steam vac'ing the carpets, sweeping and mopping, laundry, etc etc etc. So at I'm getting my activity in. Thinking about trying to make it to the gym tomorrow morning! I've got to make exercise a priority in my daily routine!
Loving ourselves....self esteem.
That's a really difficult thing to do sometimes. But it's so necessary because if we don't care and love ourselves, then we tend to not want to take the time and effort necessary to make the changes (and turn them into habits) for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.
I've been kicked to the ground a bunch of times in my adult life. Starting with college when I was told by the resident director that people hated me...that 'people see you walking toward them and they move to the other side of the hall/street to get away from you'. Yes, that is a quote of just one of the many things that were spouted off to me. I sunk into a depression and actually believed what had been said to me. My friends gathered around me and told me time and time again that it was NOT true....and that it was the work of a jealous person that was good friends with the RD. I learned the value of TRUE friends...but it was still a real blow to my self esteem.
Fast forward through years of trying to get a teaching job....rejection upon rejection. A good friend stabbing me in the back. (not literally...quite figuratively). A job teaching that turned really really bad. That pushed me once again into a depression....and rocked me to the core, totally knocking my already fragile self esteem. I'm currently in a situation that is threatening to destroy what is left of my self worth. I'm struggling...I'm angry at God about situation...but I'm trying to not focus on that anger or the way that this situation is making me feel (worthless....unworthy...etc etc etc) and to take time for myself, to make sure I am at least operating daily as if I cared about myself.....It's a hard hard battle to fight....right now I'm just fakin' in.
That said....my weight is holding steady thus far this week. I'm happy about that. I did my hour of zumba last night and I will go again tonight. This morning I bee-bopped around the house vacuuming, steam vac'ing the carpets, sweeping and mopping, laundry, etc etc etc. So at I'm getting my activity in. Thinking about trying to make it to the gym tomorrow morning! I've got to make exercise a priority in my daily routine!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Songs
When I was at the gym the other day, I had my ipod on shuffle and I ended up hearing some songs that I haven't really listened to in ages. It got me to thinking about songs that at one point or another have meant something to me in my weight loss efforts. Lyrically speaking that is....
Ironically enough, many of mine are songs by Chicago....
Stone of Sisyphus (the link has the lyrics and the song to listen too)
The back ground of Sisyphus is that he was a Greek King that was being punished. His punishment was to roll a large boulder up a hill, only to get to the top and watch the boulder roll right back to the bottom......and thus he had to start again. (fitting for this journey sometimes right).
The lyrics of the song include this segment "A dream is make believe until;
Blood, sweat, and tears turn pain to will;It's gonna take some doing for me:
To show them the way." .....this song just hit me.
Feeling Stronger Every day.
Yes, this song is more about 'love'. But for me, it's a love song to myself...through this journey I've had to learn (and relearn) to love myself....and with each day, I'm making myself stronger every day, physically and emotionally.
Alive Again
Once again, a song that kinda preaches to me as I've tried to learn to once again love myself....and in the process have come alive....because at my heaviest, I was nothing more than dead.
There are tons more songs that have had meaning for me during my journey.....but those three songs popped into my head the other day while exercising....and more than any others, they (mainly the first two) are the ones that really speak to me.
Ironically enough, many of mine are songs by Chicago....
Stone of Sisyphus (the link has the lyrics and the song to listen too)
The back ground of Sisyphus is that he was a Greek King that was being punished. His punishment was to roll a large boulder up a hill, only to get to the top and watch the boulder roll right back to the bottom......and thus he had to start again. (fitting for this journey sometimes right).
The lyrics of the song include this segment "A dream is make believe until;
Blood, sweat, and tears turn pain to will;It's gonna take some doing for me:
To show them the way." .....this song just hit me.
Feeling Stronger Every day.
Yes, this song is more about 'love'. But for me, it's a love song to myself...through this journey I've had to learn (and relearn) to love myself....and with each day, I'm making myself stronger every day, physically and emotionally.
Alive Again
Once again, a song that kinda preaches to me as I've tried to learn to once again love myself....and in the process have come alive....because at my heaviest, I was nothing more than dead.
There are tons more songs that have had meaning for me during my journey.....but those three songs popped into my head the other day while exercising....and more than any others, they (mainly the first two) are the ones that really speak to me.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Monday Madness
Well, my weekend is over. I did fairly well over the weekend with my eating. Saturday I was spot on AND I even made it to the gym. Sunday, well...Sunday was a bit more rough as my brother and his family is in town. They went out for lunch. (fast food....arrggghh). I ate a salad with grilled chicken on top and the nectarine that I took with me. Dinner was out to eat once again. We went to a place where you CAN order off the menu, but they have a buffet. Everyone ordered the buffet. So even though I kinda wanted the grilled veggies and the baked potato, I was like a blind sheep following the crowd and I ordered the buffet. I didn't do tooo badly...but still over my points I'm sure. Off the buffet I had a salad, some cottage cheese and small scoop of potato salad. I had a small scoop of mashed potatoes, a small scoop of macaroni and cheese some pineapple and a piece of watermelon. I had some soft serve ice cream and I had a roll with butter. I did have a bite of my mom's lemon cake at dinner and a bit of her cinnamon roll at lunch. ONE bite of each...she offered more, but I stuck with one bite. So, even though I followed suit, I did the best I could. I KNOW that I should have stood up and ordered what I wanted (ironically enough, there was one person that DID order off the menu....not me). Ingrained habits......everyone was ordering the buffet and that is what I would have ordered for YEARS of my life....so I just slipped back into the role that I know so well....not the roll that I WANT to be habit!
I did get lots of exercise. My brothers kids are 10, 7 and 3...so I got some jumping, dancing, wrestling, croquette playing and even a 3 mile hike on the canal in yesterday. Ohh yes, and I got some pictures of the kids.....
I was freakin' out about m weight. I ate out TWO times yesterday and while I did 'ok', I still ate differently. Part of my panic is because today is weigh in day for a challenge that I am involved in. There is no ifs ands or buts, I have to weigh in today.....with pictures included. YIKES. I had also made the vow that I would start posting my weight on my blog each Monday. This is one of my plans that I am putting into place as I've pretty much reconciled myself to giving up my weight watchers membership due to the fact that the meeting times have been changed to something that is just not feasible for me. Soooo I did it....I stepped on the scales, I took the picture. I took my full body (or close to it) picture. I am planning on posting a picture like this (full body AND picture of the scale) each week on Monday...or as close to Monday as humanly possible....(only changing the date if I am away and unable....NOT because I ate too much the previous night). I hope and pray that knowing that there are people out there waiting on my report will help keep me accountable...and PLEASE ask if I don't post!
So are you ready?????
I did get lots of exercise. My brothers kids are 10, 7 and 3...so I got some jumping, dancing, wrestling, croquette playing and even a 3 mile hike on the canal in yesterday. Ohh yes, and I got some pictures of the kids.....
I was freakin' out about m weight. I ate out TWO times yesterday and while I did 'ok', I still ate differently. Part of my panic is because today is weigh in day for a challenge that I am involved in. There is no ifs ands or buts, I have to weigh in today.....with pictures included. YIKES. I had also made the vow that I would start posting my weight on my blog each Monday. This is one of my plans that I am putting into place as I've pretty much reconciled myself to giving up my weight watchers membership due to the fact that the meeting times have been changed to something that is just not feasible for me. Soooo I did it....I stepped on the scales, I took the picture. I took my full body (or close to it) picture. I am planning on posting a picture like this (full body AND picture of the scale) each week on Monday...or as close to Monday as humanly possible....(only changing the date if I am away and unable....NOT because I ate too much the previous night). I hope and pray that knowing that there are people out there waiting on my report will help keep me accountable...and PLEASE ask if I don't post!
So are you ready?????
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Excess
It's obvious that I can easily eat to excess. A person rarely gets to over 300 pounds without eating to excess on occasion. However, last night I began to think about excess eating. Let me set the scenario. I made Todd a hamburger on the grill (I don't eat beef) and I had corn on the cob and breaded and baked zucchini...and watermelon for dinner. I ate and ate and ate corn on the cob. I think I ended up eating 7 or 8 ears. The last ear is where my thought processes started to kick in. Did I eat corn on the cob in excess of what I SHOULD have eaten. Yes, it was my 'main dish'. In my general opinion, eating something that's healthy for you, meaning fruit and veggies; it is not possible to eat in excess on those. I didn't get fat from eating too much corn on the cob, or too many green beans, or even from eating too many strawberries (which I can put away..). But is my thinking skewed? No, I didn't eat until I was sick. I wasn't in a corn induced sickness last night. I was pleasantly full. :-)
Soooooo excess eating......is it still bad if it's fruits and vegetables? (the question is aimed at a healthy adult...not a diabetic or someone that needs to watch sugars in fruit)
Soooooo excess eating......is it still bad if it's fruits and vegetables? (the question is aimed at a healthy adult...not a diabetic or someone that needs to watch sugars in fruit)
Friday, August 06, 2010
fruit follies
I promise...no more talk about clothes....or bras...or whatever....that's over!
I had a bit of a panic this morning....my well stocked, full of fruit refrigerator is no longer well stocked with fruit. ARRRGGHHH I still have some nectarines and some cantaloupe. I have been craving corn on the cob (again, is what my husband said...but it's soooo yummy...and honestly, I haven't had it in about a week and a half......and wait a minute, he has been craving hamburgers and eating them numerous times a week...sometimes even more than once a day...and he complains about corn on the cob???). I went out to buy some from our local farmer...no corn! I went to another place....no corn!!! I'm in a state of panic. One place said that they should have corn in a few hours. So on my lunch break, I'm gonna go and see if they have some. Crossing my fingers. I did pick up another watermelon and another cantaloupe to help refill the fridge!
My weight was up a bit this morning. I know I didn't drink all of my water yesterday but we also ate out. I had....ohhh do I have to admit it?????? OK ok ok, we went to Red Lobster. Now, since I don't eat seafood, pork, or beef, I had the option of two entrees. I ended up with cajun chicken alfredo. Yeah yeah yeah....beat me up....alfredo = extra pounds. Ohhh yeah, and of course I had 2 biscuits. When they asked if we wanted more, I did decline the second basket of biscuits, I know if they had been set on the table, that I would have wolfed those down also. I actually wasn't to far over my points for the day because I had eaten pretty much fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. OK, not pretty much...I had eaten only fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. (hey, that's what tickled my taste buds yesterday). So the fat, and the sodium in processed restaurant foods PLUS the water issue....and my weight is up. Hopefully it drops again. Wait, that was stupid...of course it's going to drop again. I'm working the plan and thus it WILL drop again.
Exercise.....I was getting into my car this morning and I realized that I keep saying that I'm going to kick my exercise into high gear....but in reality the only 'formal' exercise I'm getting is my two nights of zumba. That HAS to be rectified!
I had a bit of a panic this morning....my well stocked, full of fruit refrigerator is no longer well stocked with fruit. ARRRGGHHH I still have some nectarines and some cantaloupe. I have been craving corn on the cob (again, is what my husband said...but it's soooo yummy...and honestly, I haven't had it in about a week and a half......and wait a minute, he has been craving hamburgers and eating them numerous times a week...sometimes even more than once a day...and he complains about corn on the cob???). I went out to buy some from our local farmer...no corn! I went to another place....no corn!!! I'm in a state of panic. One place said that they should have corn in a few hours. So on my lunch break, I'm gonna go and see if they have some. Crossing my fingers. I did pick up another watermelon and another cantaloupe to help refill the fridge!
My weight was up a bit this morning. I know I didn't drink all of my water yesterday but we also ate out. I had....ohhh do I have to admit it?????? OK ok ok, we went to Red Lobster. Now, since I don't eat seafood, pork, or beef, I had the option of two entrees. I ended up with cajun chicken alfredo. Yeah yeah yeah....beat me up....alfredo = extra pounds. Ohhh yeah, and of course I had 2 biscuits. When they asked if we wanted more, I did decline the second basket of biscuits, I know if they had been set on the table, that I would have wolfed those down also. I actually wasn't to far over my points for the day because I had eaten pretty much fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. OK, not pretty much...I had eaten only fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. (hey, that's what tickled my taste buds yesterday). So the fat, and the sodium in processed restaurant foods PLUS the water issue....and my weight is up. Hopefully it drops again. Wait, that was stupid...of course it's going to drop again. I'm working the plan and thus it WILL drop again.
Exercise.....I was getting into my car this morning and I realized that I keep saying that I'm going to kick my exercise into high gear....but in reality the only 'formal' exercise I'm getting is my two nights of zumba. That HAS to be rectified!
Thursday, August 05, 2010
So I talked yesterday about the sports bra and my purchase of a new one that I liked. All was good. I went to zumba last night and I had a problem of a different kind. I had learned the hard way a year or so ago that commando is not always the best option while exercising. I also learned (but didn't write about) the fact taht certain underwear are not conducive to zumba. So I'm always very cognizant of what underwear I put on before zumba. But last night...my SHORTS kept riding in weird and uncomfortable ways. No fears, I just picked the zumba induced wedgie out (ok, so it wasn't a wedgie...the shorts kept getting twisted or something) and kept rolling. So really, seriously...what is the best option out there for zumba.....inquiring minds want want to know. I'll keep trying my different clothes until I hit upon the magical outfit. Of course as soon as I figure that out, I'll lose and the clothes will be too big. Good problem though.
My weight was lookin' good this morning! WOo hooo!!!
My weight was lookin' good this morning! WOo hooo!!!
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