Am I ready?

Am I ready to have a few days off. To spend time with my husband and visit our friends? Absolutely! Todd and I are in desperate need of some time away from it all...just the two of us. I'm super excited to see Donna and Andy...it's been so long!

Am I ready? Do I have a game plan made for our weekend away to Lancaster County (and beyond)...to the land of good food...shoo-fly pie and other delicious delicacies? Yes, I have a plan. I want to ride the exercise bike in the AM before leaving for home. Our hotel has a fitness center and an indoor pool. I want to utlize at least one of those Friday evening...and again on Saturday morning. Sunday of course I'll be riding. :-) Eating.....just make wise choices...that's my plan. (and then kill it at the gym upon my return).

Am I ready and packed? Pretty much...I have a few more things to throw together tonight. I have to finish putting stuff in the car and then of course the last minute things tomorrow morning.

Am I ready to exercise today? Heck no. My knees are bothering me. My legs feel super heavy. I just feel run down. I have thusly decided to take today of of exercise. I'm due a day off, so it's no biggie. I actually haven't had a full day off in a while. I didn't formally exercise yesterday but I used the push mower and then hauled brush....quite a workout actually! My body is screaming for a break...I need to give it one.

Am I ready to weigh in tonight? Actually yes. Even though it's 2 days earlier than my normal weigh in day. I'm ready. I'm not going to jump up and down and shout it from the mountaintop, but I will say that according to my home scales I should be happy with my results tonight. I made myself a smoothie for breakfast and ate fruit and veggies for lunch. I'm good to go.

Am I ready to continue losing weight? Absolutely! I was looking back at an old picture the other day. It was of me when I had reached my goal weight (which was 180 pounds........still 15 pounds over where the BMI tells me to be...but it's where my Doctor recommended) and I was maintaining that weight. I didn't see how I looked at that time. But I looked at that picture and I saw it. Yeah, I still had my problem areas....but heavens looking at that picture, I could see exactly how much weight I had lost and sadly how much weight I have regained!



Are you ready?????

I amaze myself sometimes

I am finally starting to realize exactly how little I've expected from my body AND exactly how much my body has to give. I've preached my mantra over and over. The exercise one that is. "Fat hurts a whole lot more than the temporary pain of exercise". I am at the gym and I repeat that to myself over and over and over again. When I want to quit, I make that comment in my head. When I don't want to start, I say it. When the time that I set aside in my head is up, I say that in my head and push longer! A week and a half ago, I got on the treadmill and decided to start jogging/running some. I jogged 2 minutes out of every 5 and I felt like my lungs were going to collapse when I sucked air in. A time or two later, I switched it to 3 minutes out of every 5. Not to bad....I was counting down the timer to finish up those three minute segments.....but when I reached the end of my pre-determined time on the tread...I decided to go for another 20 minutes. Running and walking off and on. Yesterday I felt ready to bump it up to 4 minutes jogging, 1 minute off. But instead I decided to try to jog for 5 complete minutes at a time. Hey, lets go big. I did it! NO PROBLEM! I did it AND talked to my mom the whole time....she was on the treadmill the whole time. I wasn't breathing smoothly...and my talking was a bit more of a pant...but hey.....I did it! I noticed that after only 2 minutes my heart rate and breathing had stabalized and I actually felt well enough to jog again. Amazing!

Sooooo last night on The Biggest Loser (yes, I watch....I don'tagree with how FAST they lose it...but they are doing the work to lose it....and that is inspirational) So anyway, last night micheal was on the treadmill and he finished that first mile. He was soooooo tickled with himself. You could see the pride and joy on his face. I was cheering for him as he was telling Bob....all full of pride. I have to admit...his face when Bob said "make it two" was priceless. He was literally floored and that sense of happiness was replaced by shock.....I smiled. But he got back on that treadmill....and started jogging. The next time we saw Micheal, he had that look of pure joy again when he announced to Bob that he had not only down 2 miles....he was at 2.5 miles. Once again, that joy was turned to incredulous disbelief as Bob said, "make it a 5K (3.1 miles). Micheal got back on that treadmill and did it. Is that the end of the story? Heck no.......When that 5k was completed Bob turned around and wiped that pure joy off his face one more time by demanding.....Make it 5 miles. And Micheal DID IT! He ran 5 miles at Just shy of 400 pounds (at least I think that's where he's at right now). You could literally see the pride and sense of accomplishment oozing from him! At the weigh in (or somewhere toward the end of the episode) Micheal said that he had run 5 miles EVERY day since that occurance.

So it got me to thinking. How much can we do that we have no clue we can accomplish? No, I don't think I could run 5 miles at this point. But You know what.......2 weeks ago I could barely run 2 minutes without fear of collapse, and look at me...I can run 5 minutes straight.....and I aim to push that longer on my next visit to the gym. What else am I afraid to do because I have let self doubt rule? I don't have a BOB in my life to push me on. (my mom was with me and she is a great motivational partner...but she freaks out when she sees my face get red and she sees me breathing deeply.....she doesn't want to see me in pain and pushing myself does bring pain...TEMPORARY pain....however in the long run it removes pain...it removes the pain of being fat). So without Bob in my life to push me to places I didn't kow I was capable, I've got to push myself and rely on my frinds to throw out challenges to me when they see fit. To help push me from my comfort zone!

Dang.....

I woke up early this morning and my first thought was "dang, I don't want to go to the gym." So I rolled over, curled up against my husband and promptly fell back asleep. I woke up a bit later. I got up to go to the bathroom and as I walked across the room I thought, "Dang, I CAN'T go to the gym...my legs feel like they weigh a ton". I did my business, stumbled back across the room, fell into bed, snuggled up against my husband and fell back asleep. I finally woke up for good and instead of getting out of bed I picked up my book and started reading. When my husband woke up I asked him if he wanted to go to the gym. (It's always easier to not go if the other person doesn't go). He waffled. And finally I said...."lets just go and get it over with". So I did. I figured I could just walk or do something light. I called my mom and we met her at the gym. I got on a treadmill beside her and started walking....and then I remembered my mantra. "Fat hurts worse than any exercise" and I kicked it up. I jogged. I jogged in 5 minute increments...no stopping....5 minutes walking....5 minutes jogging.....5 minutes walking...5 minutes jogging.....over and over. I did it with a smile on my lips. I then went on to my strength training...I upped my weights on almost everything. (I'm sore now!) I pushed through the lack of motivation and I pushed through the pain (the heavy legs....the seized up muscle in my shoulder) and just did it!

Walking

Park museum, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

What a gorgeous day for a walk!!!! No, I didn't walk at the park today. I actually took this picture yesterday....but the park is a great place to walk! I walked back in the woods behind my house. We were actually on a mushroom hunt. Sadly we didn't find any....well, not edible ones at any rate.

I strapped on my pedometer this morning and I'm counting my steps. I'm thinking that I'll get a TON of steps in the next two weeks as I'm getting ready to walk in a March for the babies walk (March of Dimes). That walk will take place on April 24th. If it was a bit further out, I would probably raise money for this walk, but two weeks is not much time....so I"ll just donate myself and maybe later this year I'll raise money for another cause.

We are a week out from GWG. WHEW....I'm going to be a busy girl the next few weeks!

smoothie

smoothie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

YUMMY. This is my new favorite thing....smoothies. I usually don't like smoothies....basically because of the heavy use of milk. However, I am not using much milk in my smoothies... Really tasty. I literally throw some berries in there (frozen from last year) a banana some agave nectar and a splash of milk. SUper tasty!

I woke up early and rode the exercise bike.....I knew that if I didn't do it early that there was a VERY good chance that I would get to it at all. So I just woke up and did it. Happy that I did too.

Getting ready to wear my pedometer starting tomorrow for a challenge that I want to participate in.. I'm also fixing to walk a lot in preparation for the weight watchers walking challenge AND I just had a friend send an email out asking for someone to be accountable with to wear a pedometer every day and to post our results. Hello...this MUST be a sign that I need to walk more. haa haa haa

I've had a busy day! I woke up early....made myself a smoothie (frozen strawberries that I froze last year, small banana, agave nectar, and a splash of milk), put it in my glass and headed out to my weigh in. I gained 4/10ths of a pound. I'm ok with that. I wish it were different...but I'm ok with it. I left my meeting and went right to the gym. I have been walking 3 minutes and then jogging 2 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. Today I went to 46 minutes...and I did walk 2 minutes and jog 3 minutes. And I made it!! I also did weights! so a good day at the gym. After that I went to hang out with my mom for the day. Nice and relaxing. I just got home....so I'm going to bed!!! It's been a long day! More deep thoughts tomorrow (haa haa haa....like my thoughts are deep!)

Ghost or Gremlins

Yesterday I was so excited about my weight loss that was showing on the scales. I was in disbelief. I stepped off the scales and reweighed myself. It was the same. WOOOOOO HOOOO! I was ready to celebrate. But in the back of my mind I was thinking, "This is too good to be true". SO this morning I stepped onto the scales again......oh yeah....right back to where I expected it to be (a maintain for all intense purposes...possibly a small gain). I double checked it this morning...the same. Now there is no way that I gained 8 pounds!!! No flippin' way! So thus I'm convinced that my scales are posessed by the weight loss demon!

That's all I have to say this morning...I'm reeling from my weigh in. Even though it was what I expected all along...I'm still reeling.

Ok, after my excitement midweek last week, I'm almost scared to talk about my morning. But heck, I'm going to do it. It's life and it if turns on me...so be it. I haven't weighed myself since my weigh in day (Saturday). I've eaten a lot....but I've exercised a lot. I've been actually rather nervous. Just hoping that my activity was enough to keep my weight at a maintain level. So this morning I decided to step onto the scales. I looked down and kept looking as the room spinned madly out of control. I about likely fell off the scale. How could it be????? I was showing just about 7 pounds down! In a week???? I haven't had a loss like that since I first joined weight watchers. Holy Moley! So you can see that I'm excited....but I know that there are two more days before weigh in and anything can happen.

Yesterday I got up early and exercised, but I also threw my bike clothes in my duffel bag and threw the bike on top of the car before heading to work. All day long those internal voices argued quite loudly in my head. They said things like, "ohhh MaryFran, you've already exercised today, why go tonight", and "You hate to ride by yourself", and "why bother". I argued back with them all day with the arguments such as "I'm tired of being fat", "I have a bike ride coming up" and then simply "SHUT UP" Sooooo I'm happy to announce that when I got off work I pulled the bike off the top of the car and jumped on my bike (I hate hate hate riding on the road I live on...the 2.5 miles in and out are hideous.....and NARROW, so it's rather unsafe). I rode for an hour. I haven't been out much on the road on my bike this year thus far. I think tortoises were going faster than me up some of those hills. But I perservered. My feet did not touch the ground once during the ride (well, except for when two rednecks in their trucks stopped to talk and blocked the road making me have to stop behind them and wait for their toothless conversation to end. I used the time to hook myself up with a nice long drink of water.)

All in all it was so exhilerating to be out on the road, the wind in my face, the sun warming my skin, good music playing on my ipod and the smell of a freshly fertilized fields filling up my lungs with that fresh country smell. (that smell for you city folk would be manure.....good old fashioned SHIT). If only I could remember how good it feels to be exercising and how good I feel AFTER I exercise.....it's absolutely wonderful. So why do I bulk about doing it???? I dread starting! All day I warred within myself about going. Why?

Furthermore.....I exercised for 2 hours yesterday! You would think I would be devoid of energy. NO, not even remotely. I got home last night and cleaned the kitchen....down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor clean! So my belief that exercise brings more energy holds true!

Well....I have no clue where I am at this week. I haven't weighed myself. I'm debating back and forth between weighing myself tomorrow or waiting until Saturday. I've eaten a whole lot of food!!!! Those 35 flex points have been LONG GONE. I've earned 60 activity points....I've only got 25 of those left...yikes! That's a whole lot of eating!

But I'm here! Today someone in a group that I am part of asked for quotes or things that we think and keep in our heads to help us in our every day world....here are some that I came up with.

1. The old Army (I think it was army) jingle. "Be all that you can be" So perfect because so many times we DON'T live up to our potential!!!!

2. The nike slogan recently has hit me. "JUST DO IT" We sit back and let our worries and our self doubts hold us back. Why? What is the worst that is going to happen???? Just do it. No holds barred!

3. The only failure is not trying and/or giving up

4. weight loss related:
a. No food tastes as good as thin feels.
b. No exercise hurts more than fat does.

5. LIVE BIG! I got this one from my brother when my grandmother passed away a few years back. He said "she lived big" And it was true. My grandmother did what made her happy. She did stuff for a laugh and to make herself and others around her happy. She was generous to a fault but she lived big. She didn't do things in halves...she did them the whole way! She lived her life like everyday could be her last!

My plan for the week

I woke up early...got my creaky sore muscles moving (and boy was I sore after all that yard work yesterday) and I got my butt up to the gym. 45 min of cardio and roughly 20-25 minutes of strength training. I'm now at work...and sitting here, I can feel my body and muscles tightening back up. I brought my tennis shoes to work, so I plan on popping those on and walking around town a bit for my lunch break....just to loosen up a bit. (and hey....30 minutes of walking will net me at least 1 more...most likely 2 more Activity points!) I've eaten a good deal the last few days. I have a plan in in my mind. I want to end my week with at least 35 unused activity points. I've already used ALL of my weekly points and some of my activity points that I've already earned this week. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I know I'll be eating some extra points at dinner. (we are going to Durangos...it's a locally owned Spanish Restaurant). BUT, I'll also be working out in the yard again ALL day. (I told Todd that I would be willing to sacrifice our anniversary day off together to work in the yard on one condition......the MaryFran kitchen is closed......no food will come out of my kitchen. He agreed....although I may relax my guard and thus we will probably do breakfast at home....that would be overkill....haa haa haa) So anyway......As of right now I've earned 40 AP points....but because of what I've eaten, I only have 32.5 points of those AP left. Thus, I have to eat perfectly (just daily points) and earn 2.5 AP points and I will have satisfied my challenge for this week. (or earn a heck of a lot more AP points if I indulge tomorrow night).

I receive the little blurb from The Biggest Loser. For the most part it's an advertisement to join their club (Nope, not going to do that....I'm a weight watchers girl) and a reminder/recap of the weeks episode. But they also throw in some little tidbits. In the most recent email they challenged everyone to list the Top 5 things....I thought it would be fun!

Top 5 victories you've experienced up to now in your journey.
1. Dropping below 200 pounds
2. Hitting my goal weight (which admittedly is the top end of the doctors goal for me)
3. Making lifetime at weight watchers.
4. Having the perseverance to not give up even as I watched myself slip backwards
5. No longer being obese.


Top 5 goals you want to accomplish this year.
Ok, I'm cheating a bit.....because some of the answers in the first one are also part of the second...I've slipped and lost those things and I want them back DESPERATELY!

1. Get below 200 pounds
2. Be no longer considered obese. (for my height that is 196.5 pounds)
3. Return to the doctor approved goal of 180 pounds...which will also put me back at non- paying status at weight watchers!
4. I want to run. I've tried it before and my knees sometimes don't appreciate it. But I
want to run! So I'll baby my knees and see what happens. (I can for 10 out of my 30 minute
workout at the gym this morning and I feel as if I REALLY worked out!)
5. Fit in my clothes again.....to not constantly be scrambling for something to wear...while
looking at a closet full of clothes that are too small! (ha, wouldn't it be a hoot if I
lose weight and get smaller than those clothes and still be scrambling.....having to buy!)



Top 5 strategies you use to help make healthy choices consistently.
1. My mantra......No food tastes as good as thin feels
2. My exercise mantra......No exercise hurts worse than fat feels.
3. Surround myself with support in my efforts. Through my blog, friends, family, whatever!
4. Focus on treating myself in healthy ways, which will help eliminate the desire to indulge
in the unhealthy things (like banana splits......blizzards....etc etc etc) I can do this by
making healthy substitutions at home and by creating my own healthy treats.
5. Put me first!!!!!!!!!! Yes, still take care of my responsibilities...but put myself much
much higher on that list of priorities!


Top 5 skills or physical attributes that you're proud of.
1. Perseverance. I'm proud that I persevere....to the point of stubbornness sometimes.
2. My legs....my calf muscles are strong.....
3. My humor....I like my sense of humor. Yes, it's a bit warped, but I like it...
4. A skill...my cooking skills. I am proud/happy with my skills. It comes in handy
for this journey too! :-)
5. My craftiness. No...not crafty as in 'shady' or shifty...in a bad way. But the way skill
that I have to be able to dabble with almost any craft and while I may not be a mater at it,
I do fairly well at what I set my mind to!



Top 5 places you want to go — and what you are looking forward to doing when you go there.
1. Disney World- I haven't been there since we moved North from Florida. I would like to
go again. What am I looking forward to doing? For me it's more memory land...nolstalgic.
2. Germany- I don't know what I look forward to doing. I have just always been very
intrigued and have always wanted to go.
3. Caribbean- I look forward to wearing a bathing suit and LOOKING GOOD!
4. Visits with my brother....I want to go again. (northern Indiana) I look forward to being
with the family that I love so desperately, but don't get to see all that often.
5. Simply to get in the car and drive.....stop when I want to stop, stay where I want to stay
and just see the country.

Wow....so yesterday, had a good weigh in......stayed away from the baked sale outside of work....came home and worked all afternoon in the yard. Earned a butt load of activity points.....went out to dinner with mom and dad and at 47 weight watchers points for dinner. Uhhhh yeah. Can we say that I blew not only my daily points, but my weekly 35 (ohh wait...I have 1.5 left for the week). I tracked everything...does that count as a positive????

Let me tell you....my body SCREAMED at me for the food that I ate last night too. It was a lot of high fat choices....and shortly after dinner my belly was letting me know that it did NOT like my choices!

SO I thought....no problem. I can handle this. I can eat really straight and finish my week with 1.5 left of those weekly points. I worried a bit about Tuesday as it is our anniversary and we are going to a fav locally owned restaurant...but I thought, "I can do this". So let me recap my day. I woke up and ate a nice light breakfast (a light english muffin with promise free butter....1 point total). We decided to skip church (we are heathens I know...and on Easter SUnday....but we ARE making headway in actually finding a church that we can both be happy attending.......lots of church visits happening) and instead we threw the bikes on top of the car and ran down to Charlestown and went to the Home Depot and then hopped on the canal across from Harpers Ferry and rode our bikes. The only problem....when we left Home Depot it was lunch time...so we ended up going into Panera Bread. I thought I chose wisely.....1/2 Sierra Turkey Sandwich and a half classic salad with an apple as my side. I drank water (out of my ever present water jug). Turns out lunch was 14 points (I was full and didn't eat the apple). So anyway, we were fueled and ready to ride. We had a delightful ride on our bikes. Just an hour.....netted me some activity points. We came back and I got ready to head out to the yard. I was hungry...I grabbed a serving of fat free chips....and then because I was still wanting more chips..I switched to a more nutritious granola style bar. (can we say a total of 4 more points). Out we went. More yard work...I finished moving the hellacious pile of top soil that we found hidden under brush that we just cleared out (actually it looks like it was 4 loads of top soil), I mowed, I rakes up the clippings. I cleared brush. I moved logs. I worked my tail end off. (thank goodness for activity points.) FInally I came inside and made some potato salad for dinner....and fiddled around in the kitchen and put the laundry away (I ran through three loads of laundry today and lined dried them all). Daily points for today...including dinner.....37! Arrgghh I only get 28 a day. At least that is my DAY total and not one meal (heck, last nights meal was more than my whole day today!) I'm workign on my Activity points now.

Soooooo I"m working hard and I'm trying to tell myself not to freak out about actually eating more food.....but I can't help but panic about what I'm eating!!!!!

Happy or sad...that is the question

Should I be happy or sad? I'm conflicted. Why am I conflicted???? Well, I think I alluded to the fact that at midweek my weight was showing down by about 3 pounds. I was tickled. I stayed within my points for the latter part of the week, however addmittedly with a few extra carbs. So I stepped onto the scales this morning at my meeting. 1.6 pounds down. YAY!!!! 1.6 pounds!!!! 1.6 pounds is a really healthy weight loss for a week!!! But wait just a cotton pickin' minute. 1.6 pounds is NOT 3 pounds! What the heckeroo???? Give me my 3 stinkin' pounds!!!!! I earned 38 freakin' activity points this past week!!!! I was an activity producing demon! My scales were showing 3 pounds!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA But like I said, I'm conflicted....even as I typed my waaaaa, I was going....YAY 1.6 pounds!

So I'm going to take the YAY and just be happy with my loss!

Resisting the bake sale again while I'm here at work!

Lack of understanding

Each year during Good Friday and the Saturday before Easter the Ladies Axillary sets up a baked good both in the town square here in Sharpsburg (the boy scouts sell flowers and the girl Scout's peddle their cookies too). I work in the bank....that sits on the town square. So all day long as I sit at my teller window, I'm looking out over the bake sale. I decided that I would not indulge in the bake sale this year. (In past years I've been able to resist the temptation of purchasing...but I will admit to sampling the goods that my co-workers bring back from their forays out to the tables). I was good today. I resisted. My co-workers talked about what they had for sell. I saw more ladies bring baked goods as the day progressed. We discussed it at work. I smelled the yummy sweetness as my co-workers devoured their purchases. I eyeballed the cakes that my co-workers purchased to take home to their families. I held firm.

There is no food that tastes as good as thin feels.

So why am I talking about this. No, I don't want a pat on the back (although I am proud of myself). Tyler, a co-worker offered to buy me something when he headed out. "just a cupcake or something." I resisted. Then he came in and he wanted to offer me some of his white chocolate covered pretzel stuff (Bark). I refused. Then it was peanut butter fudge. He kept hounding me to eat some. "JUST a tiny little piece" I kept refusing. He kept pushing telling me that just one tiny little piece wouldn't hurt me. Finally I was fed up and said, "TYLER, I'm addicted to food....I can't just have one little bite.....I know me, I would be inclined to run out to that table, buy more and eat more!" (as a side note I would be looking for that 'high' that rush that I get from tasting something so scrumptious....intrinsically I know that the first bite high is just that...only a first bite....but my addicted mind doesn't accept that knowledge as fact). My co-worker had a look on his face. He had no clue what I was talking about and started making comments about "It's just food.....food is everywhere." I looked at him and said "exactly...I face my addiction over and over and over every day."

I went on and asked him a question. I said, "Tyler, if I told you I was addicted to cigarettes or drugs, or alcohol would you be sitting here trying to push those vices upon me? That is what you are doing with food" He tried to tell me it was a totally different situation.....I answered and said, "yes, it is different, if I were addicted to one of those other things I could remove myself from temptations, remove the vice from my life so to speak. But with food I HAVE to continue to eat, but I have to do so in a way that my addiction doesn't flare out of control. He never said he understood, but I noticed he didn't try to push anymore.

Food addiction is not something that people understand. People don't understand that it's something that has to be guarded against. It's an addiction....no a disease.....that is mis-understood! The sad part about it...until the people around us REALLY accept that it's an addiction and truly understand it, they do not have the tools to help us overcome. They think they are being nice by offering food.........

Well well well....I worked outside for a few hours yesterday and boy is my upper body sore!!!!

My eating has been on target this week. My weight was a bit up this morning...not sure why but I have my suspicions (it seems as if when I drink a diet soda in the evening that my weight pops up the next morning...I know that there is sodium in diet soda....so I'm thinking that's the culprit). But no worries...I'm still trucking along. I woke up early this morning and made an egg and cheese sandwich and then I went for a nice walk on the canal. I brought my shoes to walk on my lunch break and weeee my plan is to get home tonight and ride the exercise bike for at LEAST an hour. I also plan on doing a new video that I picked up....strength training stuff. We'll have to see how that goes. My original plan was to head to the gym tonight...but I realized that I have no clean jeans....and tomorrow is jeans day here at work...Oh yeah, I'm washing them tonight!!! So laundry tonight. Not a big deal....I can exercise at home!

The fear of being thin. I've been thinking a lot about this fear a lot lately. I lost a lot of my weight on the motivation that when I was thin, things would miraculously be rosy. Yeah, I also wanted to do it for my health. But a lot was to fix the woes in my life. So when I got to my goal weight and the problems were still there, I became disillusioned. Sadly this caused me to stop caring....and I regained weight. Now i'm not saying that this is all of it....I've tried to lose the weight in the ensuing months...but overall, I wasn't really into it because I didn't want to face the truth. And that truth? That the bad things that happen in my life are not all directly related to my obesity. I've been taking steps to look at the negatives in my life and to really work on the issues at hand versus losing weight as an solution. It has caused a lot of stress, but in doing it I'm slowly coming out ahead and I think I'm finally looking at weight loss in a healthy (sorry for the pun) light. I want to lose weight first and foremost for my health (that has always been a given...and it hasn't changed). But i want to lose weight because I remember how wonderful I felt in my own skin. I liked how my energy level was just super high. I liked the self confidence that I felt. I'm losing weight to return to those feelings! ALL for me!!! No-one else.

Proof of my visit

Proof of my visit, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I've been typing that I'm back on track, but I thought I would give some visual proof of my many visits to the gym this week. I'm workin' it!

I hadn't stepped onto the scales in a couple days. I have to say..YIPPEE SKIPPEEE, if I hold it together for the next 3 days, I will show a NICE loss. As of right night it's a nice loss......I just get excited thinking about what it could be with 3 more days of exercise and proper eating! Giddy even.

The stress keeps coming....in addition to all the stress that I've been under in recent weeks and months, something else was just dumped onto me. Ok, maybe this new thing isn't stress......but it's something that has my blood so boiling mad that I can barely see straight. Work problems if you must know. Lets just say that I've been generally looking for a new job......I just kicked up the energy level on my job hunt!

But, I'm gonna keep telling myself.......there is only one thing that I have total control of in all of this....and that's my eating and exercise. I am the only one that is in charge of what food I shovel into my mouth. I am the one that is ultimately in charge of how much I exercise (yeah, there are days where life gets in the way...but ultimately I chose to let it get in the way or not).

Not to much to say this overcast Monday morning. I have got to reign in my weekend eating. I've always had my weight watcher weigh in right after my weekend.....which has kept me in line. But now I'm weighing in at the beginning of my weekend and I can see a trend....overeat the weekend and then try to pull it together throughout the week. I think it's good to have one 'free' meal....but not a weekend of them!

I woke up this morning and while breakfast was in the oven I hopped on the exercise bike and rode. I got 30 minutes in this morning and hope to get more in tonight!! And I've already informed Todd that I'll be gyming it tomorrow morning. He has declined to join me...but no matter....I'll be there!

A pain in the arse

Last night I went to bed and I got into bed and I had a pain hit me. I tried to move so that it didn't hurt but every movement sent shooting pains through me. Where was this pain you ask?????? It was in my left butt cheek and down through my upper leg. HEavens...I've never had a butt ache before! That was in addition to the stomach muscle pains from my ab work, The shoulder pain, the arm pains....the tight calves from the long time on the elliptical.....shall I continue??? But anyway...the butt pain is really a first. I woke up and the butt pain had subsided, thank heavens.

So thusly I decided that today would be a day of rest from exercise for me! I did move furniture around the house and clean....if that counts. Ok ok ok, it didn't take all that long. :-)

The good news? My muscles feel much better tonight.

So my 'do something for myself' today. I haven't really done much of anything for me. I will be honest. I didn't ignore myself, but I didn't do anything identifiable for myself (unless NOT goign to the gym counts. hardy harr harr harr)

Saturday shenanigans

Whew...what a busy day. And before I even begin, I did lots for myself today!

It started with taking care of myself in terms of waking up early enough to head to my weight watcher meeting. I had three clocks set! (myold alarm clock, a substitute and my phone). I woke up and headed out to my Weight Watcher meeting, out the door by 6:15AM. I lost 1.8 pounds. I'll take it. It's a loss. But it just burns me up. I gained more than that last week...so I'm still behind!!! But hey, it's a loss!!

I left my meeting and went down to the City Market and saw my mom while she sat at her booth. After visiting with her I headed to the gym. (the second thing for me!) I did 1 hour of cardio and then 30 minutes of weights. My mantra of "exercise does not hurt as bad as being fat hurts" really worked. I kept saying that to myself when I wanted to stop!

I left the gym and hit up two stores and then treated myself to lunch. This would be the third thing for myself as I'm usually too cheap to go out on my own (I'd rather save my money to go out to eat with loved ones) But I treated myself today. After lunch, I headed to more stores...and finally got home at about 4PM. I got my groceries put away...and had a few minutes to spare before making dinner. TOnight I made todd's favorite dish...Cajun Seafood Pasta. I had buttered noodles and veggies. For dessert I made Caramalized bananas......I watched the food network while I was on the elliptical today...and this was a recipe that sounded really good to me. So I made it. It was very good!

After dinner I grabbed my camera and headed out the door. Just a short drive through the battlefield, but if felt good!

Of course the lights in the house were turned off at 8:30 for Earth Hour. :-)

Now I'm just relaxing......

Soooooo is it bad that I watched the Food Network while working out....and actually made a recipe that I gathered while working out???????

Quick thought

I wrote the other day about the girl on TBL that said that Nothing on the table (food) tastes as good as thin feels. She was so absolutely correct! Thin is a feeling of liberation. A feeling of self confidence an happiness with ones self. But I was just responding to an email with a friend (Hi Donna!) and I was mentioned exercise. And I got to thinking that while no food tastes as good as thin feels. Well there is a corrallary. While No food tastes as good as thin feels, No exercise hurts worse than fat feels! Yeah, I dread going to the gym or working out becuase it's BORING...or it may hurt momentarily. But being fat hurts. It hurts me emotionally, medically AND physically! Exercise is NOTHING compared to what the fat does! The exercise pain is merely momentary.

Well, maybe not exactly momentary. I worked my abs yesterday morning.......oh heavens...it hurts to sneeze. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to move. But you know what...it's a good pain because it means that MF is back!

Cast your vote!

My plans to 'do something for myself' fell through this morning. But I'm not giving up! I will fit something special for me in!

How did the said plans fall through? I was planning on waking up early and exercising before coming to work at 7:30. Yes, ambitious! My alarm is seriously going crazy though!
*A few weeks ago I set it and turned it on and I woke up late....it didn't go off...it was actually even TURNED off. Go figure, but I thought it was me....
*Woke up yesterday just fine at 6AM. Last night I went to turn it on and the alarm was now set for 8AM. WHAT?
*Spent the time to reset the alarm and turn it on......once again it didn't work!

So, either my alarm clock is going crazy or I am. Still time to cast your vote...the jury is still out on the results of which is crazy! haa haa haa

My weight hasn't dropped at any fast pace today. I'm actually not sure I'm going to show a loss. I'm on the right path though, so no matter what it says tomorrow...I'm focused!

The sun is shining...but the temperature has dropped drastically in the last few hours. It's COLD. So I'm not going to be going for a bike ride this afternoon....maybe I can talk Todd into a visit to the gym! (which would count as doing something for ME!)

I was thinking about exercise and I started to think about some of the videos that I used to do (yes, I still have them) and I actually started to feel nostalgic over them. I guess that's my hint that it's time to pull them out. (I'm sure that fond feeling of nostalgia will dissipate quickly at that point...haa haa haa)

Something for me

Yesterday I did something for me. I brought my change of clothes and a sandwich to work and at the end of my day I changed and I headed straight to the gym for a workout. For me. I had some 'dark forces' try to pull me away...nothing serious, but just a few things that could have derailed me from my plans. But I stuck to my guns and went.

To carry on the goodwill toward myself, I woke up at 6AM this morning and by 7AM I was in the gym working out again!

Welcome to the new me. In the few months (OK, maybe year), I've stopped doing little things for myself. Standing up for myself and doing something that's good for me. I think a lot has to do with the status of the current funk that I was in and the reasons behind the funk. I have allowed this negative energy and these negative feelings to change the focus off of what is important. What is important? Me. Now this is not saying that I'm going to chuck all responsibilities overboard. There are still other really important things in my life. But taking care of me has got to be a priority. Getting my weight back off is for ME this time. Not for any other reason. ME ME ME! By making me healthier physically I'll feel better mentally...and that will convey into all other aspects of my life.

In essence, I stopped caring about myself. I think that my funk and the reasons behind it are a big factor behind my lack of caring (and quite honestly part of the reason I've gained back some of the weight)....but I'll be open and honest enough to admit that the more weight I've gained, the less I've cared about myself. It really is a vicious cycle.

Soooo, my plan is to try to do one thing...big or small for myself every day. It could be an action such as going to the gym (with or without anyone....although by myself is really standing up for me) It could be something as simple as applying fresh polish to my nails (toes or fingers). Small steps to help me care more about me...to restore my love of myself.

SOOOOOOOOOOO....my challenge is to do something everyday for myself...and I plan to post it here! I may not post it everyday. I may only do it for a week....it may go on for a year. I'm not setting myself up for failure. I just know in my heart that I have to take care of numero uno.

Take care of myself action for Wednesday- Trip to the gym.....didn't want to...and Todd requested something (something not really important) that would have made it easy to ditch my plans....I didn't.

Take care of myself action for Thursday- Trip to the gym.....woke up before the sun and hit the gym!

The taste of health

I brought my workout clothes with me to work today AND a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat for a quick meal for dinner. My plan is to change here at work and go straight to the gym. I know that if I stop at the house to change my clothes I will NOT leave again. So my plan is to change here, eat my sandwich here and go directly to the gym, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I have a few other stops that are right there at the gym, so I should have no excuse!

Last night on the Biggest Loser there was a comment by one of the contestants. They were at a restaurant and she was talking about how her friends had ordered all of the foods that she loved but she was going to eat healthy come hell or high water. Her comment that really struck me was, Nothing on this table tastes better than how I feel. She went on to to say that eating healthy had brought about so much energy and life to her that she had no problem making the healthy choices! How utterly true!!! I feel so good when I'm living healthy and when my weight is down! I feel good emotionally and physically!!! And she is right...there is no greater 'taste' than the feeling of health!

The great mystery

Motivation. How can a person want something so much but just lack the motivation? I want to lose this weight so badly. Yet when it comes down to actually getting off my butt, I lack motivation. Back up...yet when it comes to making healthier choices I lack motivation. Oh heck, my motivation is simply in the toilet. Yet I want to lose soooo darn badly. It just makes no sense.

I went back to weight watcher meetings 4 weeks ago. Week one, I gained four-tenths of a pound. Week two, I gained 8 tenths of a pound. Week three I blew it all away and gained two pounds and two ounces! I'm paying stinkin' money to GAIN WEIGHT! Now...the first two weeks I was religious with my eating. I ate healthy. I restarted the exercise regime...and I went to a meeting and showed a gain....both weeks. Week three...well.....lets just say that I didn't go hog wild, but I didn't even track! It was a super stressful week! This week I'm doing a bit better. I'm not strictly regimented, but I am very cognizant of what I'm eating...and YES, I am tracking!

I have less than one month before Girls With Gears...in which I am registered to ride. I've been on my bike 2 times this year. The first time was hideously horrid. Notice it was hideously horrid...not just hideous and not just horrid! My second ride was much better...but I was on the canal and that is relatively flat....so it was an easier ride!

Stress levels are still super high. Something that a friend wrote today just hit me...and here it is: I think we all have issues we wrestle with. It's just whether or not we let those issues impact our diet and exercise.

Here I sit

Ok, so I've been really really really lax about writing. I am still around. I haven't given up. I'm struggling though. Big time struggling. I am under an undue amount of stress. HUGE! Mind-boggling!!! In one regard, I'm doing really well. I'm not allowing myself to just eat at will, anything and everythign that comes into my thought. I'm not eating 6 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at one sitting to make myself feel better (ok, maybe 6 is a little bit of an exxageration, but you ge the point). So I'm not mindlessly eating. HOWEVER, I am not eating healthy. I'm not eating enough fruits and veggies each day. I'm eating too many carbs. And I'm eating too many points as a result....and that is this past week. I'm not losing weight but I'm not gaining weight. Now, the two weeks previously, I adhered to the plan even amidst the stress and turmoil and I didn't lose a single solitary pound. In fact I gained slightly those two weeks. Stress does crazy things to your body I guess.

One thing...I haven't tracked this week! No matter what I eat, I need to track!!!!!

Change of heart

Whew....Sunday already. Where does the weekend go. I swore to myself that yesterday that I would get home from work and get on my bike. I promised myself. I got home and curled up on the couch and did absolutely nothing all day. I'm just struggling with motivation not only for exercise...but for life in general. ARRGGGHHH

So today I woke up and I knew that I HAD to ride. I was hoping for a 10 miler...but I decided to settle for at least 5 miles. I got out there on my bike. 1 mile in and I had to stop to fix my toboggan that was under my bike helmet. I literally thought I was going to hurl! I rode in my smallest gear and it was brutal! Absolutely brutal! I made it exactly 6 miles. I got back and I was lightheaded and barely made it to the couch where I collapsed and laid for a while.....knowing that if sat up I would very well pass out!

So here is my plan. I am 6 weeks away from GWG.(Girls with Gears bike event) I did 6 miles today. If I can ride any outside this week, I will (schedule and sunlight as well as weather being the deciding factor). But I am going to focus on riding the exercise bike to help get myself back in shape. (and maybe pick back up on my mileage challenge...although I have so much to make up, I’m not sure it's possible...haa haa haa) Here are my goals.

The week of March 7th - 5 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 14th- 10 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 21st- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 28th- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 4th- 20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 11th -20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
GWG April 18th

I hope to surpass these goals. If I can make it to a certain mileage ride BEFORE my goal...hot diggity. But Looking at this, I feel it's doable. And I know that last year I had only done about a 21 mile ride on the road before GWG.

I have to say, this morning before I rode I was thinking emailing my friend and trying to back out of GWG....and offer to still do something with them that weekend, but skip the ride. But I went out to ride and as badly as I did, I remembered how good it felt last year when I was able to ride without feeling like I was going to vomit off the side of my bike or come so close to passing out when I got off my bike that I literally had to lay prone for a half hour until my heart rate returned to normal. As sad as my ride today makes me feel....I know that there is hope. I got to thinking about how many weeks I have left and if I can do a 6 mile ride now (I did it.....I did not stop...I did not walk a hill, I went mighty slow and it like near killed me...but I DID IT!) then if within a week I can do a 10. And if I can do a 10 then, then I'm sure I can increase that to 15 in another weeks time...and so on and so forth! I can do this!!!!!!!

I had my splurge meal last night. We had been craving Hot Taco dip. I used baked tostitos...and I did as much low fat items as I could find. but still a bit high. I used to do that 'comfort food/splurge' meal once a week, right after my weigh in. I stopped....or if I did have it, I would make another one the next night. No more. We had it once...no more until a week has passed. I've got 9 points for lunch. Mom and dad are coming to pick me up. I'm not sure what we are going to do this afternoon...run around...mosey around and just see what we can see. So I'll probably end up going out to lunch with them somewhere. 9 points though is all I have (and yes, I've already calculated dinner into the mix).

Really trying

The "mertz-ter", originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ohhh to live the happy go luck existence of Lil' Mertz.

I have switched my weight watcher meeting to Saturday mornings. Why? One, so I can go back to the weight watcher center that I like. Secondly, it's in the morning...EARLY. It will be time I cut out of my sleep and not taken away from any other responsibilities. On the weeks that I work Saturday mornings, it will be tight. I'll have to leave the meeting and fly like the wind back to Sharpsburg, but I think it will be worth it. And thirdly, and possibly most important. A friend (Hi Sherry) and I are goign to go to that one together.....and help with the accounability thing. So i went this past week and faced the music.

Saturday I did really good. Yesterday just was crazy. I was on the go..and running literally from the moment I woke up. I ate out twice...and I'm sad to say that I had french fries in the evening (at lunch I got a salad to go with my sandwich). Oh yeah, I indulged an got an amaretto sour tooo. So liquor on top of it all. (it did taste mighty fine).

Tired of sabotaging my efforts. I can clearly see that I lost the weight to try to fix some problems in my life. I lost the weight and those problems didn't go away. And I was forced to face the facts that the problems were not my weight....and without the weight I no longer had an excuse.....and I think that my will to keep the weight off was damaged. Without really thinking about it, I gained and didn't care what I ate.....because if I gained, I could once again blame my weight. No more. The weight has to go FOR ME! And these problems......they are not mine to correct. I am just an innocent victim.

I'm determined to get my butt back into exercise. I'm strugglign with the will power to do so. But I've GOT to!

Grocery day

Grocery day, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I have had a small victory. Yesterday morning I left for work at 7:30. I grabbed a banana for my lunch so that I could leave work and head straight off to my errands. All was good. I hit up store after store. And then I made it to the grocery store. I was getting hungry. I smelled the bakery and donuts as soon as I walked into the store. I steadfastly ignored the bakery department. I did my shopping and then had some difficulty finding the pumpernickle bread that TOdd requested. Taking a deep breath, I headed toward the bakery. Success! I found the bread. I picked it up and was ready to head out of there as fast as the wheels on the cart would turn. And then I noticed that the bread was not sliced. I made my way to the counter. I stood over chocolate eclairs, individual slices of cake and other scrumptious looking goodies while the worker sliced the loaf of bread. I stood next to the absolutely delicious smelling and looking doughnuts. My mouth was salivating. As I pushed my cart out of the bakery area, my steps slowed. I was so close to those doughnuts. I was right there. I could get one and eat it in the car before I was even out of Hagerstown! I stopped the cart. I looked at the doughnuts, thinking about which one (I was determined to keep it at one) I would get. Suddenly I shook my head and started to push the cart out of that area....without my doughnut. You see, the last few weeks I've let my sadness and depression rule my eating. I've eaten what I wanted to always thinking that "I'll start tomorrow". Tomorrow would never come if I kept that thinking. So I started at that moment. I will admit that I went home and broke into a 100 calorie pack of soft and chewy chocolate chip cookies....and I had another banana. But I think in the grand scheme of things a 100 calorie snack pack and a banana was a whole lot better than that doughnut (or two...or three....or whereever I would have stopped).

update

I haven't totally given up. My great big head of the emotional eating monster has hit. I'm trying to maintain some control....not that it's working. I have gotten to the gym a few times thus far this week. So I'm trying.

I haven't given up on writing here, I am just struggling with my effort to put one foot in front of the other and make it through each day, writing here is just, well.....it takes energy that I don't have.

I can only hope and pray that all this somehow rights itself and life returns to some semblance of normalcy and happiness.

The existence of ignorance

Icicles, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, we are slowly starting to get back to a more normal routine here. However, yesterday about an hour or so before I was to leave work and go home, I got a frantic call from my husband telling me that my car could "PROBABLY" make it home. We both have cars...Hondas. They do great in the snow...but deep snow is a no go. The problem. Our back road is experiencing some massive drifting. He said that he only got home by the good graces of other people on the road that helped him by pushing him out and helping to clear the road ahead of him. And he was involved in a tiny fender bender. So tiny that he was not injured nor was the car damaged. So I had a friend and her husband pick me up in their four wheel drive. We ended up going out to dinner with them. (I think we all needed to get out!) The problem? The restaurant messed up my meal. I got it for free......AND they gave me a free dessert. Uhhhhhhhhh do you really even have to ask? Free dessert! of course I ate it! haa haa haa So my attempt to get started back with eating healthy was a bit of a bomb!

Part of me sometimes wonders if I'd be happier by just accepting that I"m overweight and to stop trying. I honestly don't think so...I've had the taste of what thin feels like and I want it.....but I can't help thinking about how it would be so nice to go back to the existence of ignorance! that beauty of not having to think about what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising. Just enjoying food for what it is....tasty. Innocence!

ARRGGGHHH

I never thought I would say this, but I'm ready for the snow to stop! I usually love snow, but seriously...enough is enough!

I can't deny, the snow is pretty. I love to watch the birds just flock to our yard to eat. But come on now.....This weekend was 26 inches and we hadn't cleaned up totally from that yet and yet now we've got at least another foot out there! And they are calling for more in a few days! This has got to be a sick joke!!!

I've done better today with eating. Still not the best. But considering I've been pretty much housebound all day long....not too bad. (I did get some shoveling in, small wonder!)



Yes, I tell you the birds are here! It's the gathering place!

So being home has been good. I've got everything cleared up with the insurance company. A check should be arriving in the mail within a week. Insurance company? Did I fail to mention it? The last snow storm....the weekend snow we had a slight problem.



Yes, the roof collapsed on our one shed! Luckily not much was in that shed....but the shed is most definitely dead!

emotional eating alert

Ok, let me lay it out there. Yes, I worked outside and did TONS of manual labor this week with our scads of snow. But, my eating wasn't the greatest. I was doing ok...but then it just went to pot and righ tnow I don't give a darn!

I know a lot of it has to do with some stress that I'm under. Without saying too much, today I made a decision and did something that hopefully turns out to be totally un-needed but very well could be the first step to a very long difficult journey. I'm not handling the stress well. I came home and immediately got in the fridge and ate something. Todd and I went out to dinner and I ate. I came home and I topped it all off with two muffins. So not good and while I'm sick at heart for doing it to myself....right now I just can't make myself care.

I started my day out right with a nice protein laden meal. We had Baked Egg Cups



So why did I need a good nutritous breakfast? Well, let me tell you!



Yes, snow! Lots of snow. At 9 this morning we were at about 18-19 inches. And let me tell you...it's still coming down at close to an inch an hour..supposed to go through the evening....8PM apparently. Ohhh, so that still doesn't explain why I needed a nutritious breakfast? Well, all that snow needs to be moved!!! I worked outside this morning for a couple hours. Let me tell you! I'm going to count moving that HEAVY (yes, it's a really wet snow) as an upper body strength workout! Yikes, am I ever sore!

After working outside for a few hours, I came inside and low and behold it was time to make lunch! I made Taco soup. and cornbread.



Now here I am warming up and relaxing. Todd and I are planning on going out to walk down the road for a bit this afternoon. All good fun!

It's snowing!

Weeee....it's starting to snow!!!! It's not really laying on the roads or sidewalks yet.

I didn't make too much progress on my yearly goals last week. I did ride 57.5 miles. So I at least didn't fall too far behind. However, I did not make up any miles! I loooked this morning and I am actually 43 miles behind schedule. (that's not calculating in my two week grace that I built into my schedule.....I'm planning on riding 60 miles a week for the year....but my grand total of miles I want to hit is 3000 miles...which is actually only 50 weeks of 60 miles)

Weight....I actually didn't make it to a meeting...we were in the throes of a snow storm and the roads were hideous at that point (WV doesn't do anything to their roads so I didn't want to even go across the river). But I will say that it was looking like a gain on tuesday. I will also say that since then I've recouped that gain and it looks like I've dropped some so I may be able to show a loss at this upcoming weigh in.

Strength training.....nope. Well, does it count that we had two snow storms (only 5-6 inches each time...) but I did shovel both times!!!

New recipes.....I made an Irish Potato Casserole It was a bit fattening, but it was quite tasty!

So all was not a total loss.

This week my biggest challenge will be a snowed in weekend. I tend to want to go to the kitchen and bake!!!

1. Keep my eating under control at ALL times, even through the weekend. No excuses about "I shovelled for hours so I can eat like a starving pig"
2. Get my 60 miles in and hopefully cut down my 40 mile deficit.

And those are my goals for the week!

Ready for the snow

Mondell Road, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

From what they are saying, it's not a question of if we are getting a snow. It's a definite. The last I heard, they were saying at least 2 feet of snow. Sooo my house is stocked with food. Yes, it was stocked before, but I'm double stocked now!!! Ok, I'm not one of these to go shopping because a snow is coming. This weekend is my normal shopping trip weekend (I grocery shop every two weeks).

I've been lax the last few days with my riding. I only need 7-8 miles though to reach my weekly goal. I have tonight...so I plan on riding to get at least that!!!

My weight is dropping! Today I was very pleased to see my weight! WOO HOOO! I've been very good with my eating. So while my exercise went lax, my eating got under control. It's almost as if i'm on a see-saw and one is up and one is down. I need balance!

Another snowy mornng

Tree, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, even though I was awake and moving at...well before dawn, I didn't get a ride in on the exercise bike. Why, you ask? Well, I woke up at 5:30, fed the cats and then headed outside to shovel the driveway and clean off my car. I came in and hopped in a nice hot shower and got ready to work and I was out the door by 7:30. So I did get some exercise in.

The scales showed me down a pound on the scales this morning. Other than that, I've got not much to say today. I'm focused on well, just getting by.

Stock-piling

Just a little food porn to start the day off right. This is Irish Potato casserole.
It was so scrumptiously delicious!

So, I got to thinking last night. I was walking through the house and stopped to admire the storage of food.


It made me start to think. Why do I have a complex about having stored food. Now, of course the home canned foods are simply because we grow our own foods and thus I can a lot of food for the winter months. But my pantry is just jammed with purchased foods. I've never gone hungry in my life. There is no reason for me to have any fear of being hungry. Yet I stock pile food. I just really doesn't make sense!

A change is in the air

I woke up this morning determined to put a stop to my eating. I do not need to eat to medicate my feelings. I do not need to eat for anything other than to sustain life. Yeah yeah yeah, easier said than done. But I just had a week of eating whatever my mood struck me to eat....and I don't need to do it again. Surprisingly, my weight is only up by a pound or two. That's a pound or two too many, but it could have been a whole lot worse!

Read a post this morning....the last paragraph really hit home to me. I am trying so hard to get back on track with my eating. This is no easy task as I have built up bad habits AGAIN that compromise my journey. But all in the same, this is still part of my journey. I am not afraid of these bad habits, I know how the change them, but it is not easy for sure. So to that I also say I am all done. Done doing that stuff. Done not treating myself kindly. Done with unhealthy living. I say yes today to treating myself with love and respect and health

I could have written that last paragraph! It pretty much sums it up!

Update:

*I went to the gym and had a really good cardio workout! My mileage is flyign by this week. I'm three days into my week (starting on Fridays as that was teh first day of the the year) and I've alrady got 45 miles down!!!!

*My food has been entered onto E-tools (I keep track of my foods on e-tools). Interesting thing to note.....when you go through all of your weekly points and go into the negative, it turns bright red. A bright red warning! I was able to update my activity points and it brought me back into the positive....but it's all entered!

Well, let me look at the last week of eating. Total debauchery! That's all I can say! I've been over my points. I've not chosen wisely. I've just been all off! The only thing that I've had going? Exercise. I've been on top of it with my exercise. Oh why oh why can I not get both things under control at the same time????

Emotional eating. I know that much of my poor eating choices this week have come purely from emotions. I know it. I'm trying to figure things out....get those emotions under control so to speak. I keep telling myself that there are few things in life that you have sole control of....and weight is one of...so take control! But for some reason that message just isn't getting to my brain.

So, as of today I'm back to journalling every bite I eat. I was doing it...and did do it through thursday. And then it all went to pot. In fact, I plan on going back and filling in my journal with the last two days of eating!!!! It's not gonna be pretty (when I stopped I only had 7 weekly extra points....I'm sure I'm WAY in the hole now!) But I will face up to my eating!!!

4 down....lots to go

Goals.....I did ok this week. exercise and recipes I rocked! The other two....well, lets just say better luck next week.

Mileage: I completed above and beyond my 60 mile mark for this week. (just above...but I did it). I'm still behind by 35 miles or so....but I'm on a roll and I'm going to make that up soon!

Strength training: Nada

Recipes: I tried three new recipes.
** Sweet and Spicy Wings which turned out quite tasty!
**Baked Mozzarella sticks.....I've missed cheese sticks as an appetizer, so I was super excited about these!
** Cake balls. Not at all healthy...in fact, step away from the computer...they are delicious, but highly fattening!

Weigh: Well when my official weigh in day came, my home scales showed a loss...the weight watcher meeting (not my normal) that I attended showed a gain. Go figure.


Last weeks goals:
Water consumption- I did ok, except for one day
Healthy foods-I struggled with some of my choices this week. After the first two days of my weight watchers week I looked at my counter and realized that I only have 8 flex points left for the week. YIKES! I ate that much extra food in TWO days!
Exercise-I made my 60 miles...with about 3 miles to spare! So I didn't cut deeply into the deficit, but I didn't go in the hole any further!

So for this week. Basically more of the same
1. water consumption
2. Healthy foods
3. Eradicate the mileage deficit that I have!!!

Oh the weather outside is.....blah

I know that the lack or bright sunshine has really affected my mental outlook. It's dark and dreary most of the time. Yeah, the sun is out today....but it's not a brilliant warm filled with goodness sun that just drives away the blahs.

I as doing some serious thinking in the shower this morning (isn't it the best place to think?) and I as thinking about how things in my world seem to be spiraling out of control...and I reminded myself that there is one thing that only I am in control of and that is my eating and exercise. I need to take control and maintain a consistent control! And quite honestly, regaining a long lasting control and getting my weight under control will help my confidence and all that jazz...which will also help other areas of my life!

I woke up this morning and knocked out 1 hour of exercise on the stationary bike. I looked at my mileage for the week (today is the last day of week four). I've got just about 3 miles to complete in order to complete the mileage for this week. So I figure I can jump on the bike for as little as 15 minutes when I get off work and I'll have it done! I didn't make up any miles this week (well, if I ride for more than the 3 miles tonight I'll make up a mile or two) but I as long as I ride tonight, I will not have lost any!!!

We went to dinner last night. Whew...in the last two days I've pretty much blown my flex points for the week. (most of them at least. haa haa haa). I stepped onto the scales this morning. I'm holding steady at pretty much where I've been the last few weeks. Surprising though! I do know that I'm retaining some water (my rings are SOOO tight this morning!)

Recap

I still don't really know why I felt compelled to write the last post....I guess it was just for me. To finally say out loud in one sitting just a bit of my experience. I have friends and family that still have never heard some of it, and how bad it really was. My husband was dating me at the time though....and if a guy can stand beside you during a time like that....he's a keeper. :-)

I guess there are a couple things

1. Failure. I believe that the fear of failure keeps me 'down.' (I'm petrified of failure since my experience) I know that when I had reached my doctor approved weight I started to self sabotage my weight loss and weight maintain (I was actually still trying to lose as I was at the upper limit of where he wanted me). Why? Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I had stalled with my weight loss. Stalled at 180. I went to the doctor and he told me that he wanted me between 160 and 180...so he was happy where I was. I wanted to lose more....I "tried" but I never really gave it my all. Why? Because I was afraid of failing at something, again. If I never tried to push forward, I wouldn't be failing. And my doctor gave me an out. I was within his goal weight' prescription. I need to stop worrying about failure...because to worry about it is only going to cause me to stop doing something, which is failure in itself. I heard a quote once that struck a chord. "The biggest failure is to never try". I've set up my mileage goal for this year. Honestly, I'm behind in my riding. I am so tempted to give it up, because if I give it up I'm not failing right? But I'm determined to see this through to the end AND succeed!

2. I'm sick of being a victim of obesity. I know that there have been opportunities that I have either lost because of my weight or that I have let slip by because of how my weight makes me feel on the inside. I do believe that there have been job opportunities that I have been passed over simply because I was an obese person and this employer wanted to portray a certain image...and a fat girl just wasn't it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I'm sure that my mental view of myself has at times seeped to the surface becoming visible for all those around me to see. Negative self thoughts, while we think that they are buried deep within us are in reality on display each and every day simply in the way we act, dress, talk and live our daily lives. I read on someones blog (so sorry, can't remember whom) that this person was going to take 15 minutes each day to pamper themselves. How profound!

3. I need to stop caring what a few nincompoops said to me and about me, especially those things that I have no control over. Who cares. If I like me, and my husband likes me and my family likes me and friends...well you get the point. Who cares. Live my life for ME and don't worry about those things that can not be changed! And remember that I was wonderfully made by the greatest creator!

4.Well, I'm just going to beat the hell out of this weight...make myself healthy mentally, emotionally and physicallY!


That said, I got emotional this morning and left it affect my eating at lunch. ARRGGGHHH And then of course I got ticked off at myself for doing it...what a viscious cycle! I did however ride for 35 minutes this morning!

'Tis a lot of baggage

A deep look at things that have been terribly emotional....I'll get to my weigh in later in the post...I promise! I know it's a bit long....but it's something that I think I need to write for me. So if you read it, I will feel honored....if you don't no skin off my back.

I was talking to a friend last night about what we would do differently with/in our lives if given a second chance. My biggie....I would have stopped being apathetic about my weight years...decades actually earlier and lost the weight. I feel that my excess weight has had a hand in most major decisions of my life. I know in friendships and jobs it has. Maybe not because of the actual weight, but from the baggage that I carry internally because of the weight. With how the weight has made me feel. So with this conversation in my mind coupled with the knowledge that I really need to find another job, I started to think......

I knew two things as I was growing up. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted to be a teacher. I had the most loved and well cared for baby dolls while playing house. And those dolls were highly educated as when I wasn't playing house, I was playing school and teaching them. So it was with no deliberation at all on my part nor any surprise to my family when I declared myself as an elementary education major in college (actually before I even took my first college class I had declared my major). I was full of ideas and promise for my future as a teacher. I graduated from college, with honors and my future looked bright. I moved home from college and commenced with the job search and got no-where. Why didn't I get a job? I don't rightly know. I know that after I had subbed a few years, I was actually told that my record as a substitute teacher was actually hurting me. Not because I was doing a poor job, but because I was actually doing too good of a job. I was told that a good sub is hard to find so when they have one that can keep a class under control and actually still teach them something AND one that is reliable that they don't want to hire them for a full time position because that leaves a hole in their substitute ranks. I was told over and over that I was 'a good one'. I was in high demand. After the first year (half year actually) I worked EVERY day of the school year. From the very first day to the bitter end. I did it all. But yet I wasn't hired full time. Could it have been because I was to valuable as a sub or could it have been my weight compressing me to the point that I had made myself un-employable simply because how my weight was making me feel was showing on the outside? I don't know. But the end result was that I couldn't buy, beg or steal a teaching job locally.

A few years after I graduated from college I applied for a teaching position in a county that was known for it's low socio-economic areas. It was a whim, I didn't expect anything to come of it. But the fire to teach was still burning deeply inside of me. So it was with much surprise when I came home one evening in late July and picked up my mail. There was an envelope from the school system that I had applied to. I laughingly told Todd (who was at my house for the evening...as we were dating at the time) "oh look, another rejection letter." Only it wasn't a rejection letter. It was actually a teaching contract....with the board of Ed's appropriate signatures already affixed at the bottom. The only thing left was my signature. I hadn't interviewed! I hadn't even talked to the school system. I had simply sent my resume and references to them. They hired me site unseen! That should have been my first clue. But that fire to teach was burning, so I went to the 'interview' process. It was not a normal interview in that the administrators were asking "MaryFran, what are your qualifications." It was a room full of administrators begging the applicants (who from what I gathered had all received signed contracts in the mail.....similar to my story) to accept the position/assignment at their school! I think of it as the human/teacher meat-market. Clue number two.......this is not a normal practice,but I went ahead with it and signed the contract and moved....all within 2 weeks. I was officially a 4th grade teacher.

The first month or two of the school year were fabulous. The students were responding to me, I was in my glory. There were some issues though. Supplies. Every time I asked for something....even something as simple as a stapler, I was told that they were working on getting it for me...although in retrospect they never arrived. So I ended up going out and buying my own supplies. The other major issue those first two months? I had no teachers manuals. Yes, you read that correctly. I had none! (didn't get them until the beginning of January). These things were just a minor annoyance though. I was capable of developing lesson plans without the teachers manuals. It just took a bit more time. The supplies....it really didn't get to me, I had waited so long to teach that I didn't care. Nothing I ever did was good enough for the administrators. I wrote on the chalkboard to large.....the next day it was to small. I would actually measure other teachers chalkboard writing and compare it to mine....it would be exactly the same, but mine was never good enough. One administrator told me that my voice was a problem...it grated against her senses. (no-one ever told me that before...in fact when I worked in a call center, I frequently got compliments on my voice). It was just anything and everything, attacking me in any way that they could. I can see it looking back, but when it was happening it was utterly confusing and devastating to be told that you were the worlds worst teacher and person.

After about a month or two though, I started noticing a shift in the students behavior. It was subtle at first with the class being a bit more unruly. But it escalated. It wasn't until I was picking my class up from one of their specials that I figured out the problem. I was being undermined by the administration. I stood outside of the door and heard an administrator saying, "These little notebooks are for you to keep in your desk. We want you to write down everything that Miss Clingan does so that we can find a reason to fire her because we don't want a white person in our school." My students very quickly realized that they could do ANYTHING in my room and there would be no repercussions. It quickly became sheer bedlam! There was no support from the admin staff. I had a student threaten to "bring my dad's gun to school so I can shoot you". The admin refused to do anything or even put it on the records "He's a young black man...if we put that on his records he has no chance in society" What about me? If I'm dead I have no chance either, I wanted to scream! I broke up a fight in my classroom at one point. The students were not reprimanded (remember very low socio-economic area...the parents were young and really didn't care either) and when I talked to my vice-principal about the injury I sustained while breaking up the fight I was told that he was not going to fill out or sign the paperwork because it was my fault that there was a fight in the first place. The injury? Muscle problems in my back. Yeah, the same problem I STILL struggle with today, ten years later.

I remember sobbing at one point over the Christmas break because the situation was so awful. In January, it got worse. My health was being affected. I spent some time in the ER because I couldn't breathe or swallow without pain....they couldn't find any cause...other than stress. Finally, one day (it was a Friday) I was on the beltway driving home and I saw a dump truck and my first thought was "if I swerve in front of it I would die and that would end this misery". NOT cool. So very not cool. But it made it startingly clear that something had to change, and quickly. By the following Monday, I had written my letter of resignation, made up a week (maybe two, I can't remember) of lesson plans for the substitute, cleaned out my personal belongings from my room and I was done with teaching.

The union jumped on the case hot and heavy after I left (wasn't much they could do earlier..even though I had been in contact with them). Turns out it was well documented to keep certain students separated....I had three of these documented pairings in the same room. (the only three on file for that grade level.) I had 36 students....I was supposed to have an aide....no one EVER walked into my room to assist...or help....or even give advice. The union started a lawsuit, but within a month or two , I put a stop to it. My mental health was much more important and continually talking about it every time they had questions was not allowing me to heal.

The experience left me with some huge emotional scars.
*It's been 10 years...but as I've written this today I've had to stop at least once each paragraph to look away and calm myself down. You see, the breathing swallowing difficulty comes right back, even after 10 years. People always say, try teaching somewhere else. But come on now....if after 10 years I still struggle with stress related physical difficulties I think that's our answer. After 10 years I will no longer say NEVER teach. But I think I can still safely say NEVER teach in a public school setting.
* I have felt like a failure. All I ever wanted to do was be a teacher, and I failed. (I struggle with saying, through no fault of my own, but I didn't have any control over the situation).
*I have allowed all those comments about my personality and even my personal and physical traits (things that I have no control over) to affect how I have felt about myself. My first mistake was believing them....my second mistake was taking them to heart!

I can't blame my weight all on this situation, but I will say when I left teaching I weighed 210 pounds....somehow I ballooned up to 300 within 2 years. But I can look back and I can see how my weight and the baggage that I have carried because of my weight has affected the decisions that I've made that brought me to that point and even further. I can also see how the situation has totally affected my weight. The situation made me feel worthless and unworthy of anything. To lose weight and be healthy you have to feel like you are worth the effort, for months I was continually told me that I was not worth it.

I don't know what writing this post will do. I know that writing this and even somewhat 'grudgingly' (because I still struggle with saying that I was innocent) admitting that I was an innocent party in this saga is not going to make it better over night. But I hope that by actually admitting it that I can move forward. While I desperately need to find another job...one that isn't so mind-numbingly boring and just...well......brain dead I know that it will not be in the public school system (so don't even bring it up in a conversation) but what does a person with a degree in Education do? hmmmmm

I'm worth it! All the stuff that they spouted at me for those months I need to take at face value....which means I need to pitch it ALL out the door.

*********************************************

I went to a weight watchers center other than the one that I normally go to last night. I was happy to go because according to my home scales I was showing a 1.2 pound loss. My home scales have always been dead on with the weight watcher scales so I was looking forward to the weigh in. A loss is a loss. So imagine my surprise when I get off the scale and look at the paperwork. They showed me a 1.6 pound GAIN! So that's 2.8 pounds different from my home scale. My only consolation and hope is that I was on a different scale.....maybe the scales at this center were off. Hmmmm. Not sure! Oh well, nothing to do other than plod onward!

Already hit the bike for 30 minutes this morning. I plan on riding more tonight during TBL, so I'll be doing good for today!

Bits of nothing

Yesterday was a good day with my eating and exercise. I got 1.5 hours of cardio in. (sadly no strength training) and I stayed within my points allotment for the day. Most of those points were also healthy! I did eat the heck out of the strawberries! I love love love strawberries!


After beautiful weather on Saturday and pretty decent (a bit drizzly) weather on Sunday, I was saddened this morning when I awoke to.....POURING rain. A literal deluge of water descending from the sky. I had to drive to work in it...there was water pooled in places I've NEVER seen water pooled! It just makes me long for summer even more!!!

A day in the life of abnormal me.

I have written lately about how I feel depressed sometimes because I want to be normal. I don't want to have to watch every stinkin' bite of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to have to push myself to exercise because I NEED to. How I want to be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I want to be normal. Sooooo this morning when I woke up, I was like...ohh my actions last night were so abnormal. And it just once again proves how abnormal and screwed up my thought processes are when it comes to all things related to food. Let me start for the beginning.

Yesterday while still at work I planned out my meal for the evening. I was to be home alone, which is almost always a huge huge issue with me because with my addiction to food, I have a tendency to keep eating and with no-one there to help keep me in check it sometimes isn't pretty when I write down what I have eaten. So I planned my evening out. I was going to use the leftover tomato sauce, put it on a flour tortilla and top it with 1/4 cup fat free mozzarella...i would cleanse my palate with a serving of grapes. That would actually give me a nice dinner and it would actually put me with 3 points to spare for the evening, in case I wanted to make popcorn or grab a 1/2 cup serving (pre-measured of course) of ice cream (2 points for what I currently have in the freezer). All was good. I've learned, if I have a plan and I can and will stick to the plan and not just eat what my addiction directs me to eat. SOOOO, I went home and made my little pizza. The first problem was the cheese. I think I should pre-measure my cheese for these things too...because of course I dumped WAY more than the 1/4 cup that I had planned. But no worries, I had those extra points to take care of it. I decided to spice up my pizza by adding some more garlic powder and other spices. Great idea right? I don't know what overcame me but I went happy with the garlic powder. And garlic powder is a good thing.....in small amounts. In large amounts...not so good! My dinner tasted, 'ok' but not the greatest. But after dinner, I found that I just wanted more and more food. Why? Because the taste of garlic was so strong that i was still tasting it a few hours later. I had a 1/2 cup serving of ice cream and I also had a jello pudding cup. So it could have been worse. But why did I eat them? Oh, I knew why I ate them......I was trying to cleanse my palate. I was trying to remove the overpowering taste of the garlic powder. I drank a diet soda...that didn't help! I wanted to eat more, but somehow managed to keep from tearing the cupboard doors off the hinges.

So this morning I woke up and before I even moved out of the bed I realized how abnormal I was. A NORMAL person would have simply gone to the bathroom and brushed their teeth...used some mouthwash. But no, I immediately turned to food to fix my problem. What an easy fix it would have been. Yes, I eventually figured it out and fixed the problem. But come on now....is my thinking so screwed up that even something as simple as that is tied with food. Is anything in my life not directly tied to food????

Weekly Check in

Week three of the new year has passed us by and it's time for me to fess up and face the music in regards to my goals. Soooo lets pull out the list and check it twice.


Lets look at my year goals first.
1. The mileage. I did 28.9 miles this past week. Only half of what I should have done. Not too bad when I add in that I was sick for most of that time frame. I am now at 129.91 for the year...I should be at 180 miles. So I've got some makeup mileage to do.
2. Weekly goals....I set them...worked on them to some extent...we'll get to that later
3. Strength training...nada (hey, I was sick!)
4. New recipes...yes, 1 I made Berry Banana Bread

Ok, as for my weekly goals there were as follows:
1. Water Consumption...especially on the long weekend. I actually did really good with this!!!
2. Stick to my points....religiously! I stuck to my points...but I didn't make them HEALTHY points
3. Make the food that goes into my mouth nutritious and healthy Failed on this one...it was carb city
4. Hop back onto the exercise....catch up with the mileage that I'm behind! Ok, so I was a bit sick and failed on this....Having this as my weekly goal pushed me and I got 1/2 of my goal for the week at least!

So this week....new weekly goals:

1. Water consumption again.
2. Exercise...I WILL do at least my 60 miles....but I want to start cutting into my 'debt' of where I'm behind....that means I have 40 extra miles to make up...above and beyond my 60 miles for the week. I may not make it all up this week, but I am to at least make a dent in my deficit.
3. Stay within my food budget...and make my points HEALTHY ones!


So there we have it!

I did ride the exercise bike this morning. I laid in bed and thought about ditching it....or 'waiting for this evening' (waiting never works because by the time I've worked all day I just don't want to worry with it) but I thought about my goal/motivator and it pulled me out of bed!

On a good note.......Lil' Mertz seems to be recovering well. How do I know? Well, I saw this last night.....

Empty calories

Well, I stepped onto the scales today. I hadn't been on the scales since Tuesday morning. I was appalled to see that my weight had gone up by 1 pound. YIKES! Ok, I'll be honest. It could be water...or something like that. I mean, I didn't blow my points. On one day I used a flex point or two...but I stayed well within my budget. But, lets be honest here. While I stayed in my points range...it wasn't the healthiest of points. I did get my servings of fruits and veggies in...but everything else was CARB CITY!

Oh yes, I had bread (those berry banana muffins are really good...but they are a bread...carbs) for breakfast. I had sandwiches for lunch along with my potato soup (carbs and more carbs). I ate pasta for dinner and wiped my plate clean with homemade french bread

I tell you, it was a total carb fest!

No more! Today I'm watching my carbs more carefully. I'm making sure that most of my points are HEALTHY for me points. AND, I woke up early and rode my bike today.


I have a very clear goal...and a very good reason to lose this weight. I'm a woman on a mission!

Happiness...focusing on happiness

As I've been rather depressed lately, I think it's quite fitting that I do the little activity (or whatever the heck it's called) that's going around blog-land. Thanks to those of you who have asked me to do this!!!! I need to focus on these 'happy things' versus the depressing things!

10 things that make me happy.
1. My kitty cats! (oh wait, can I break that down and call it 1, Lucy; 2. Ethel 3. Mertz....so on and so forth. But that's cheating)
2. Spending time with my husband (ooops, that should have been first shouldn't it have been?)
3. Baking. I love to bake and it makes me happy to do so
4. Spending time with my parents
5. Family-brother and his family in particular
6. Warm summer days..spent outdoors...the scent of honeysuckle or lilac heavy in the air
7. Big snow storms when I'm warm and cozy in my house...snowed in with the love of my life
8. A good meal....deliciously prepared...with top of the line ingredients
9. A good book and a nice comfy couch with warm toasty blanket to cuddle under.
10. Good friends



This is a superb recipe that I made, yup, they were baked. Berry-Banana Muffins I did muffins...and each muffin is only 2 WW points. They are VERY tasty too!

Well well well. I actually got on the exercise bike during TBL last night and rode. One hour, so hopefully this will put me back on the proper track for exercise! My eating....Tuesdays are usually my 'cheat day'. Well, not really cheat, but they are my 'have a big heavy meal' day. Hey, we have to get that stuff out of our system. It would not be healthy for me to give up foods that I honestly love...so my Tuesday heavy meal is my way of getting those foods...but in moderation! One day...one meal. (not the every day every meal that we used to eat like that). But my plan is made for my eating today and I'm on track!