Reporting in

Lock hardware, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound. I'm frustrated because it does come on so much faster...and takes sooo much work to get off. But progress in the right direction is being made, no matter how slowly! Plugging along.

Todd and I talked about going to the gym today. And we were set to go..but instead we decided to hit up the canal and do a nice long walk on a nice fall day. Soooo I got a nice long walk in instead. The bad part? I twisted my food and now my foot hurts to high heavens. I keep hoping that I'll be able to walk it off...but it's getting worse. JOY JOY!

Food wise, I'm doing good thus far today. I've got my plans laid out and all should be well!

Well....here we are Monday again. I should show a maintain or thereabouts at my meeting tonight. If I can hang onto a maintain or even a slight loss I will be utterly tickled. I did so good through the first part of the week....and then Friday I had a day a bit high on carbs, but it was ok because I worked outside for a few hours and STILL exercised when I came in. Saturday...blew my points by one or two.....once again too many carbs. And then Sunday rolled around. Bread bread bread bread bread. Whew. 40 points consumed...and for you non-weight watcher people...I only get 27 at this point. YIKES! Back at it today!

I had a nice weekend. Friday worked outside. Saturday went into town and did some christmas shopping. (The kids are just about done...WOO HOOO) And Sunday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, no...I made three meals and I did the final mowing of the season....but nothing else.

This morning...started early.....at the gym!

Confession

I was tickled last night to have my husband at home. True, he was home because a client cancelled...but he's been away every evening...and that gets old! Sooo I threw away my plan for eating....and I made spaghetti (marinara sauce for me.....clam sauce for him). He requested a bread....which I made. I whipped up a ceasar salad also. I had a decent amount of points....but the bread threw me over the edge, points wise. Points wise I'm not to worried. I'd only used 1 flex point thus far in the week....and I've utilized none of my activity points. I'm more worried about the carb overload. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

The alarm was set early this morning so that I could get some activity/exercise in. But well....best laid plans don't always work. I do however get off work at 2. The new plan is to go home....change and IMMEDIATELY (before logging onto the computer...or picking up a book or doing ANYTHING) exercise. THEN I can log onto the computer, work on dinner, and all that fun stuff!!!

breakfast casserole

breakfast casserole, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy 4 points breakfast....5 if you include the toast. :-) Simple yet delicious breakfast casserole.

I once again pulled at the dance pad and did DDR for 40 minutes this morning. While it may be low intensity, by the time the 40 minutes is nearing and end, my legs are starting to feel heavy and I notice myself not jumping as easily....so it's doing something. :-)

I haven't weighed myself since my official weigh in day. I know that I'm on track, things are going good with my eating and I am chosing to not be stressed about the numbers on the scale. I will probably take a peak Saturday or Sunday. But then again, maybe not. :-) No matter, I feel very satisfied with my efforts at this point. I have added in some more movement and I've been keeping my eating under control...including my carb intake. Yes, carbs...mainly breads and pastas are my downfall! I did splurge and eat another piece of Snickers Pie last night but it only put me 1 point over my food budget so I'm ok with that, especially since I haven't eaten any of my flex points OR my activity points. I've got some ideas for desserts for this upcoming weekend. So we'll see. I think planning my food for the day and budgeting in (allowing for) a treat each evening be it the snickers pie, the milky way pie, the banana split thingy or simply a frut bar (anything low cal/low points) is really helping. I stay on track because I know that if I do I will have a reward. Sooo should I be rewarding my efforts with food? Probably not. Does it work???? Unequivicably!

The headache that I've been suffering with since Saturday night is still present. It's getting old. I think some of it is brought on by the sheer boredom at my job. Because it seems to get worse when I am getting ready to go to work and at work. Oh no...I'm turning into a mental case!

Exercise for cats

Exercise for cats, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Exercise for cats......and for cat owners also. I did have to remove Lil' Mertz from the dance pad. She calmly accepted her removal and laid down at the edge of the dance pad and watched me step my way into better health. Todd suggested pulling out an extra dance pad for her to lay on. I thought that was going a bit far.

Results of my official weigh in last night. I lost 3 pounds! I am tickled about 3 pounds. Plumb tickled. However there is part of me that is still so disgusted wtih the weight gain that the loss of 3 pounds seem insignificant. Very mixed emotions.

Todd and I usually do our main meal together in the evening. But today we did a big breakfast together. (we had waffles). I'm a bit nervous because that means I have to navigate the rest of the day on my own....and he will not be at home tonight. And for me, eating at home by myself is bad. It's so much more difficult for me to eat on my own....I can be somewhat of a closet eater. I quickly laid out a plan this morning for my eating...so I can stick to that. However, my plan doesn't include many veggies. It's heavy on fruit though. So I may adjust my plan a bit to include some veggies. We'll have to see.

Leaf, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Hit up the canal for a nice crisp fall morning walk!!!!

Snickers Pie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy yummy snickers pie. It is a definite winner, and rather low points per slice!!!!

I was laying in bed and started to think about what the added weight really means to me. And I realized that the extra weight adds a metaphoric weight to my life. I feel weighted down. I came to the conclusion that this extra weight totally changes how I feel about myself and in changing that, also changes how I live my life. I'm not as open as free. I realized that with my extra weight I started to retreat to the safe old MaryFran personality. It is crazy when I think about it...because I am the same person...but the weight really does affect everything!

Accomplished another day of healthy eating yesterday!!!! I go to my meeting tonight. It may not be a huge loss...but I'm confident that I will so some sort of loss!!!!

I've had a couple good days of eating. As each day passes and I keep it under control, I feel stronger and more capable of restarting this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

The last two days I thought were going to be a major challenge as I was home alone for most of that time. I am a bit of a closet eater. If no-one is here to see me eat it, then it doesn't count...right? Ha. So with Todd working 11 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday, I was home alone for a very good long portion of my weekend. I don't rightly know how I did it. All I know is that I was laying in bed last night and I all of sudden realized that 'woah, I wasn't even tempted to eat.'. I planned out my day and it wasn't a thing of 'what can I eat'. It was all planned. there was no thought involved. I ate what I had planned and that was that. I have been planning and making low cal/low points desserts to indulge in each evening. On saturday night it was a Banana Split Pie and on Sunday night it was Snickers Pie. I think knowing that I'll be having a treat at the end of the night (a low points treat..big portions too) helps keep me on track. :-)

Moving along. My head is in the right place right now. So much so that I went to eat a corn bread muffin with my lunch and threw half of it away because it wasn't yummy....(I had popped it into the microwave to warm it...and let it in there too long). So progress.


Food yesterday for the MF'ster

Breakfast:
cheerios with a splash of fat free milk
Lunch:
taco soup
corn bread muffin
applesauce
Dinner:
buttered noodles
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
applesauce

Snack:
Banana Split Pie (very low fat/cal/points)

I think I did pretty good at the potluck yesterday. I didn't go hog wild. Yet I did indulge a bit. And my indulgence? I SPLIT a cheese danish with my manager! SPLIT!!! That has been a foreign concept with me lately. Taking the taco soup was a brilliant move. It gave me something really filling to eat!

Meanwhile, last night as I was watching tv some thoughts went through my head. And all of a sudden I realized that losing weight was more important than eating what I want, when I want it. I have a couple reasons why this came to me...and why it became ultra important to me.....nope...not sharing. But they are there and these reasons will push me I'm sure.

Nothing profound today...just a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track.

Still plodding along. I struggled yesterday. I had to bake something for my co-workers and I will admit that I struggled with the temptation of having the dough/batter in front of me. I did however get the goodies out of the house today...even though I technically didn't need them until tomorrow. That said, the pot luck tomorrow....i've planned on bringing taco soup so taht I have something to eat...and the grand plan is to stay away from the highly caloric goodies. those things that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop. Yup, those.

Meanwhile, lots of stuff going through my head.....maybe I'll get it down in writing one day soon.

One last thought on failure.....how fitting that there was a segment on failure last night on The Biggest Loser. Enough said.

I do believe that I'm going to sit back and not weigh every day for a bit. I stepped onto the scales this morning and low and behold I was up. WHAT??? I've been religious about my food intake. I added exercise yesterday. There is no reason. I'm working to not let it get me stressed.....and for that reason, I'm going to attempt to only weigh once a week. Sometimes the stress of not knowing gets to me...but I think right now it would be better to not be seeing any negatives on the scales for a while.


Planning on going to the gym this afternoon....we'll see!

Failure

Failure. I feel like a failure because I've regained some of my weight. I've skirted the issue before, but I'm coming out bold with it right now. I totally feel like a 100% failure. In recognizing and verbalizing this fact, I can then admit that I'm soooo afraid of failing again! Weight loss is sooooo non-personal. EVERYONE can see how you are doing. Everyone can see you shovelling food into your mouth and everyone can see the results of a bigger body. There is no way that you can hide it. So to fail with your weight loss goals is to do so very publicly. And that scares me. I've already failed once........I'm afraid to fail again.

That said, I'm still going forward. I'm going to take the risk.

To never try, is to fail.

report in from mini vacation

I never thought that i would be here. Here as in weighing in higher and higher each week it seems. I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a 4 pound gain. Now, let me rehash. I weighed myself the last time on Thursday...the beginning of my little mini vacation. I was showing a maintain from my last official weigh in. So I went into my little mini 4 days off optimistic. I was going to do it. On Thursday I went to lunch with a friend. I chose a really healthy salad for lunch. I enjoyed it greatly! That evening we went to a viewing for Todd's uncle and stopped for dinner on the way home. I was HUNGRY. By the time we got to the restaurant it was 8PM. I ordered based on my hunger and didn't think about making the best option for my health. I got broccoli chicken alfredo with a salad from the salad bar (and I threw on some pasta from the salad bar I have to admit.) The alfredo was the start of the downward spiral. Friday came, my husbands birthday. I started the day by making my healthier version of caramel pecan sticky buns. Only 3 points for one bun. Not bad. Wait, hold the horses....3 points for one bun, that's not bad. BUT, the recipe makes 8.....there were only two of us. And heck, it was his birthday....so I ate half a recipe......4 of the buns...12 points! We did half way light for lunch. I made Todd the Smoked Salmon wraps and I made us both chicken ravioli soup. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my soup. Admittedly, I had two servings of soup. Soooo very good. For dinner. Lasagna, salad, german chocolate cake. Lunch on Saturday was at Applebees. We got the two for $20 Our appetizer was the spinach artichoke dip. Ohhh it was HEAVEN! Cheesy...the chips were hot and soooo good. I had a salad....and....the three cheese penne with chicken. ARRGGGHHH They have weight watcher menu items. I could have done SOOOO good. But NOOOOOOO! Ok, it was really yummy. Dinner, I broke my beef ban and we had pizza burgers with macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, with our movie.....mudslides, which I ate least made with low fat/fat free ice cream. Sunday wasn't much better. Breakfast was and english muffin (I had the same thing for breakfast on Saturday). Lunch was delayed so we snacked on cinamon cookies (i had 3...or was it 4) and a bag each of pretzels for us. (individual sized bags). Lunch.....mexican restaraunt. Chips and salsa (not, thin chips!) with the most delectible sweet sauce. (I would give my eyeteeth to know how to make taht sweet dipping sauce) I ordered the vegetarian combo of a burrito, enchilada and a quesadilla. Dinner....grilled cheese and leftover chicken ravioli soup. Dessert? Ohhh do I have to fess up to that too???? The shoofly pie that we've had in the freezer for the last umpteen months! Whew....confession over.

Soooo, looking at it...I actually maintained pretty decently through the stress days of the broken studio equipment and the deaths and all that. But when it was all worked out and we had some time to sit back, relax and let loose after our stress I cut loose and whew. Look out. So I managed the stress time....but I just lost it when things got back to normal and the stress was alleviated! I can't win for trying!

So, I'm back at work today. I really really really struggled with getting here to work. I did not want to come. Enough that in the middle of the night I woke up and this coat of depression came over me when I remembered that I had to work. The only thing....while I'm dreading going to a meeting tonight and fessing up to my weight gain (accountability really works), I'm looking foward to getting back on track with eating. As much as I enjoyed the food, I know that my body feels better with a healthier diet. I feel better. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. But I continue to do it!

Lesson learned!

The prodigal lifestyle changer is back!

Salmon Wrap, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't forgotten my journey to lose weight and be healthy. I've just been sidetracked in the last weeks. We had two uncles pass away in two unrelated incidents. THe one was a car accident that put an aunt in the hospital. We had some equipment malfunction in the studio and well, some time off from work to just relax and unwind. Ohh and the time off...we celebrated a birthday and well, the eating got out of hand. I know what I need to do though and I'm actually looking foward to doing it!!!!! As much as I have enjoyed the food that I've eaten, I'm willing to give it up to feel better!!! Overeating and eating super rich foods is appealing, but after a few days...woah, it's too much. Yup, never thought I would say something like there.

Chicken Ravioli Soup

Chicken Ravioli Soup, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, I put some food pics on my blog today. These were actually the somewhat healthy things that I made at home during this stretch of decadent eating!!!!

Had my food plan posted on the fridge yesterday and when I came home,even though I was home alone, which is usually a liscence for me to eat wildly and totally out of control I looked at that food plan posted there and I stuck with it. To a tee. So last night I figured out my eating plan for today. PRinted it out and it is posted on the fridge. I'm sticking with it today also!!!!

Today is the last day of work before a long weekend for me!! Wooo hooo. Can't wait to have a few days off! Yeah, I don't actually do much at my job...but being bored really gets......boring. haa ha ahaa. No seriously, being bored and doing nothing really gets old! What's planned for the weekend? Not sure, the weather will be holding us back somewhat. We had originally wanted to hike up in Catoctin on day. We also talked about hiking Maryland Heights. But the weather is to be really crappy half of the time. BOO HOOOO

deep thoughts

I was driving down to Rockville yesterday for an emergency trip to MicroCenter for the studio (we won't even talk about the hellish week we've had with the studio computers!) and I got to thinking about weight loss and where I am. I was thinking about it becasue of course yesterday morning on my home scales I showed a gain of 1 pound and because of this emergency trip that took me from 4pm (when I got off) until I got home at about 7:45, I missed my weight watchers meeting. Soooo that probably sparked some thought in my head. I started to think about how I was when I was actually losing weight. My thoughts, my habits, my actions. And I realized that I was hard core. I could place going out to eat at one restaurant and getting a grilled chicken sandwich...and not eating the bread. Now I'm a carb lover, so doing something like that is totally hardcore for me! Once I had dredged that memory, I started to ask myself a question, "Do I want this badly enough to go hard core????"

Do I? I'll be honest, the thought of giving up those foods I love really makes me sad. But on the flip side, being overweight really makes me sad also. More sad than giving up the food. So, I'm going to press on. Work on managing so that I don't have to totally give up the foods I love and monitoring my intake of those foods.

They say that death comes in threes. So even though I'm not supersticious, I'm not feeling tooo peachy right now. Yes, two weeks ago to the day my husbands uncle passed away. We are STILL waiting for the body to be released and to hear something from the medical examiners office. Sooooo this morning I was given news that my husbands great uncle was driving home from church and for some reason, swerved off the road, flipping his car. He was killed. His wife is in stable condition, but with multiple broken bones, including a pelvis and at the age of 81, it's not good. I'm tired of my emotions being on a roller coaster.

This last week I actually ate withing my points and I felt that I did reasonably good. I didn't overeat, however I will admit to having eaten more carbs then I probably should have. But still, I managed portions and I ate correctly. SOOOOOO my weight this morning.....up a pound. What's up with that????? I'm disgusted with the result...but I'm actually ok with my week. I don't feel like my week was a waste. I feel good about the week that I had eating wise. I didn't succumb to emotional eating and just gorge myself on food. That is a huge first step.

Hello, my name is Maryfran and I am addicted to food. I like the texture of food. I like the taste of food. I like the initial and immediate rush of pleasure that I receive when I taste something delectible. I like it so much that I continue to eat more of that same item in an attempt to recreate that burst of pleasure. That burst of pleasure can soothe all worries, it can ease all emotional pain and it can elevate and heighten a positive mood. However it is fleeting. Intrisically I know that. Yet I continue to find myself in this pattern of initial pleasure and then a spiral downward in a quest to hold onto the short lived feeling. But once that initial rush has been received it's over. It is not possible to eat more of that food to get that feeling back. Yet over and over again I try.

I'm not downplaying any other addiction, because I would NEVER want to have to deal with the addiction to alcohol or any of the various drugs out there. But I can't help but feel that in terms of beating an addiction that food has to top the list. Why? Becuase if you are an alcoholic, for the most part you can remove yourself from temptation. The same with drugs. (generally speaking for those two addictions). But how in the world do you remove yourself from food. I need food to sustain my life. I am constantly forced to confront this addiction. It's a matter of survival...I need to eat to live. Yet how ironic that my habits of eating (the addiction that I suffer with)were causing me to die. I can't get away from eating. I need to do it. Which means that every day I will have to confront my personal demon of food addiction. It just doesn't seem fair.

I haven't fallen off the wagon. In fact, I've actually gotten my head screwed on straight....I think. I'd been toying around with rejoining weight watchers. The accountability AND the fact that I'm spending money for that accountability is a very very good motivator. Sooo last week I went ahead and signed back up for the monthly pass (it was pay for the first month, get the second month free) and I went to a meeting yesterday. I am optimistic. Mainly because there is no way that I want to PAY money to gain weight. So I have to do my part!!!

Kept things under control...for the most part last night with my eating. Nothing to earth shattering.

Stats for October7, 2009

Exercise-zilch

water- 60 ounce

food:
2 pancakes
3 slices turkey bacon
grapes
rice pudding
corn
mandarine oranges
string cheese
grilled cheese
tomato soup
popcorn
100 cal pack

Can my week get any worse? I'm afraid what today, Wednesday will bring. I just want calm and peace!

I was able to keep my eating somewhat under control last night. My Pasta Bean Stew was very flavorful last night. :-) I did have a few spare points so I had some popcorn while watching the biggest loser.

Soooo my revelations from the show. I loved what Julio said about how he felt that he was good at food. I've had a few situations in my life (teaching) that have left me feeling like a failure. I can totally understand where he was coming from. In fact in some ways he was speaking about me.

I also reread the sign on the gym wall about failure...the only failure is not even trying. Is that what I'm doing now? Not really trying. Is not giving it my 100% not trying? Probably. And that made my mind flash back to a show a few years ago when some contestants gave up and didn't even finish a physical challenge. Bob was dumbfounded and kept saying things like, "why did you even begin if you didn't intend to finish?" And last night it clicked. I started this journey. To give up is just plain stupid and THAT is what would make me a failure. Gaining weight did not make me a failure. I wouldn't be considered a failure if I NEVER make my weight goal. I'm only a failure if I don't try! If I don't keep pushing onward in an attempt.

Stats for October 6, 2009

water- 50 ounces

exercise-zilch

food:
toast
green beans
corn
mandarin oranges
rice puding
pretzels
grapes
pasta & Bean stew
biscuit
1/2 cup fat free frozen ice cream
popcorn

chocolate

chocolate, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

GIMMEE!!! Will chocolate make the world a better place for me????? Probably not. Especially after I learned my lesson about using food as an 'upper' last night. But I will admit that I did have a 1/2 cup ice cream cup and I did add the chocolate from the bottle that you see in the picture (no, not the whole bottle). And I consider that a REAL coup! I'm wanting more food....comfort!!!

As if yesterday wasn't bad enough....today...on top of the issues from yesterday that are still there today, we got the call from that my husband's uncle was found dead in in his apartment. This is the last living relative from my husbands immediate family....he's lost everyone in the last 3 years. So just one more thing to add to the mix of emotions broiling around in this house.



I will not eat over my points....I will not eat over my points. I will control my eating. That is the only thing I can have complete control over. I will control my eating...that is the only thing that I can conquer! Cookies bad.....fruit good!

Eating doesn't make things better

Giving in and eating didn't make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. It added to my blah icky emotional mood by making me disgusted with myself for caving and eating. What did I eat? Cookies. I had put the leftovers in the freezer.....and I remembered them and didn't just pull out one...I pulled out 4...popped them in the microwave and gobbled them up.

I do have to say, the other weekend when I was so determined to not let my emotions rule my eating. And I was determined to control my eating.....to control ONE part of my life. I controlled it and it really did give me a sense of empowerment. Even if it was only over that one small part of my life. Last night I caved....I had no control. I will admit.....I felt great for about 5 minutes (if that). That 5 minutes was coincidentally the 5 (if that) minutes that I was eating the cookies. But after that, my emotions just came back....and in a bigger way because I was then upset about eating.

Sooo my weight this morning 213.8. ARRGGHHHH

Stats for October 5, 2009

2 low fat homemade pecan sticky buns
corn
sauerkraut
grapes
applesauce
pineapple
Spinach Stuffed Shells
2 slices garlic toast
4 (or maybe 5) cinnamon cookies

I'm sitting here in a REALLY emotional state. I was just wasting time on my computer and I found myself running through options of food in the kitchen. Options of food that I could go make or get that would fill this void within me. I thought about the 1/2 cup servings of ice cream and I knocked that out of the running. Why? Certainly not because ice cream isn't yummy and woudln't fill that void. It was soley knocked out of the running because 1/2 cup wasn't enough. I knew in my head that the small 1/2 cup serving size would just be too small. It would not satisfy my emotional needs right now. No, I needed a big bowl....no, I needed the whole carton of ice cream! For a split second I thought about the 2 half gallons of ice cream that are out in the storage freezers. The ones that I haven't divied up into the 1/2 cup containers yet. Luckily sanity overtook me before I went out and dived into one of them head first. I thought about popcorn. Popcorn.....soaked in butter....laden down with cheese. Ohhh ohhh, somehow popcorn took a wrong turn into the realm of unhealthy. PRETZELS!!! I could have some pretzels. Ohh yeah, and I could melt some chocolate and have chocolate covered pretzels! Oh, that's not healthy either is it. And that's when I realized that I was looking to self medicate with food. So I turned here...to my blog to put it down for posterities sake. I'm hoping that I can resist the urge for those ultimate comfort (and lots of it) foods. I am going to do my best to indulge in a HEALTHY (healthier?) snack tonight if I feel I really must. But I want to put it down here so if I do cave...I can look back and learn! (hopefully having it written out will curb the desire...so far no luck...but I'm ever hopeful)

Monday morning....restart

Welcome Monday morning and the beginning of the work week. I'm ready to get back to the routine. It seems as if I ran constantly all weekend. Just lots going on....lots completed, lots of running. Ohh yeah, and in case you just didn't see it coming...lots of eating! Saturday wasn't all that bad when I look at in in reflection. Friday was on the cusp of being bad. Not entirely bad....but just not good! Yesterday...Sunday. WHEW. It wasn't that it was all that bad. I just was missing some veggies and fruits. And well...I just ate more than I should have. SOoOOOO I'm looking forward to getting back to the routine of eating healthy....drinking my water. Just getting back to what my body actually NEEDS and not what it wants.

Why was yesterday all screwed up. We worked and did a few yard thinsg in the morning. We had lunch. I planned a big lunch as I knew we would be working and may not get to dinner until closer to 8PM. Why? We were running sound at Evensong Farm all afternoon and early evening. Julie (owner of Evensong) had soup for us for a mid afternoon snack. And when we got home at 8 or so....I was just plain hungry. (lugging around sound equipment works up an appetite!)



This morning I started off by making caramel sticky buns. Ha! Found a recipe where I can have one for 4 points. And it was GOOD! I've got my fruit and veggies for lunch...and I've got a low points dinner planned. SO we'll see how it goes!

Stats for Sunday October 4, 2009

I'm actually not proud to write this...

toast-
pizza burger (using turkey...and on an arnolds sandwich thin bun thingy)
Mixed veggies
applesauce
cup of split pea soup
dinner roll
individual bag of pretzels
tacos
rice
ice cream (2 scoops...two large scoops)

BLEGHHHH

Don't have too much to say right now. I'm not happy with my weight. I'm not happy at all. I'm hoping that it's the monthly water retention coupled with no water drinking yesterday....but I'm 2 pounds up! And I'm worried because I'm going to a potluck dinner tonight for a meeting that I'm attending. Ohhh ohhh!

Stats for October 2, 2009

No formal exercise

Water: less than 20 ounces

food:
homemade egg sandwich
applesauce
two slices pizza
1 serving wheat pretzels
1/4 cup baked beans
1/4 cup potato salad
Burning Bridge Sub (Gandolfo's)
Cinnamon cookies....3 Yeah, I shouldn't have had these

So yes, you can see where I didn't drink. I was sorely lacking in fruits and veggies. And itw as a bit (just slightly...haa haa haa) carb laden!

Have your cake and eat it too!

Yesterday I was at work and they brought in gingerbread men cookie. They looked sooo good. So I looked at my eating for the day and adjusted one or two little things for the evening and indulged in a cookie. My points were just fine for the day so I wasn't worried. AND this morning my weight was lower yet! Wooo hoooo!!

Stats for Octover 1

Gym-50 minutes cardio

Food-
toast
corn
carrots
mandarin oranges
gr beans
jello pudding cup
grapes
toast
pizza casserole
applesauce
gingerbread cookie
ww candy

Yesterday I was talking to a gal at work about her efforts to lose weight. She talked about how she makes Fridays her free day. And it made me start to think about how I used to do free days. I didn't worry about what I ate those days. I still tracked though and low and behold I started to realize that my splurges, while still splurges were actually not that bad. Most importantly, I had really good success with it. I started weight watchers and I took away the free day. However, I would have a free meal after my weigh in. I ate the comfort foods that night. I didn't worry about it. And I had really good success. Somewhere along the way my splurge days and or meals disappeared. So I decided to restart it. I'm basically not going to set a day to have a splurge...I'm just going to say taht it has to be at least a week since my last splurge. Sooo, my last real splurge was for heritage days...on Sept. 19th....so that was a week and a half! So last night for dinner when we went to Durangos, I didn't go hog wild, but I did allow myself to enjoy the hot, thin salty chips with salsa! And we split an appetizer (papusas) and I enjoyed my chicken meal. I came home and I journalled it. And I've moved on. This morning, weighed myself and I was at 211.6. I'll take it. And now I can't have another splurge until at the EARLIEST next wednesday!

Yesterday I got home from work at noon and made lunch. We had Zucchini and Corn casserole. I know a few weeks ago I said that the garden was done. I meant that I was done with the canning. We have been pulling out some fresh things here and there. Yesterday may have been the last of the zucchini (time will tell). So we had that for lunch....VERY low cal/points! While I was making the zucchini dish, I took the time and threw together a casserole for dinner tonight. Pizza Casserole is on the menu for tonight. Yup, it's a casserole week. But it's perfect for nights like tonight when I get home at 6:10 and Todd has to leave at 6:45. This way we can still have a nice dinner!

After making and eating lunch, we headed up to town. I got a nice cardio workout in AND a great strength training workout in! I also mowed at my parents house for a while until Todd took over. We did a few other things in town and then went to dinner. We went to Durangos...a Spanish restaurant in downtown Hagerstown. I ordered Pollo Asado. (chicken, steamed veggies, fried onions, and a bit of rice). Todd and I split a papusa and we did ok UNTIL I remember that we also ate not one...but TWO baskets of chips and dip. Todd ordered off the tex-mex menu last night and as he ordered something beef, I wasn't tempted. (thank goodness for small miracles).

I didn't feel sick after my eating, I did however feel bloated!

Stats for September 30, 2009

toast
zucchini and corn casserole
pears
weight watcher candy
polla asado
chips and salsa
papusa
All fruit frozen bar

Gym visit.....30 minutes cardio 30 minutes weights AND 20 minutes mowing.

Goals

Good morning! Today is my half day at work, thus I am here bright and early. BUT, I get off at noon! WOOOOO Hoooo! The afternoon is jammed packed with things to do. A gym visit is first and foremost on the plans. Among other things we have to mow at mom and dad's house, take care of their cat while they are away, pick up pain meds for Ethel, attend travelogue tonight, and of course go to dinner. I am determined to keep my eating under control. Before we leave I'll be making lunch....a zucchini casserole that we like...VERY low point! Yes, I know that I declared the garden done...but I picked about 10 pounds of green peppers yesterday, Todd dug up a huge slew of carrots, and I picked a few more zucchini. It's never ending!

My weight is flucuating this week between 211.6 and 212.6. It's frustrating because today is a 212.6 day. I'm just holding on...knowing that the weight will drop. I know that there are extenuating circumstances that are causing my weight to stay up even in the face of my proper eating. (water retention...I had some high sodium foods yesterday added to the oncoming monthly ick. AND I have started working out. That sometimes causes a little spike of weight...so I'm just determined to wait out the weight!

Today is a strength training day at the gym. I have decided that I'm going to do strength training 2-3 times a week. (yeah, I'm famous for making these edicts.....but I really do want to do it). As I lose this weight again, I want to be toned. I read somewhere that the flabby skin is best hidden by putting muscles where the fat used to be. Soooo I'm going to try it. As I lose this last 30 pounds I'm going to work on toning up also!

Speaking of the last 30. Todd doesn't read my blog (at least that I know of...lol). I don't care if he does...but I just don't think he does. So I don't think he is aware of my thoughts about turning 180 into my final goal. Well yesterday we were running a few errends and as we pulled into the parking lot at Best Buy we were talking about our one doctor that is HUGE and about a year ago told me that at my age that he thought I should be between 160 and 180 (basically going against the BMI recommended weight). He said that even the low end of 160 may be a push for me. The Doctor's exact words were 'it's not impossible, but you would have to be in professional athletic shape." Soooo Todd and I were talking about that and Tood told me that he really thinks that 180 was the perfect weight for me. He went on to site reasons why...but he cemented in the 180 as my goal. We were talking and Todd was like, make it your goal to be 180 and work on toning up (woah...that's what I've been doing.....is he a mind reader??) and see what happens at that point...but he is in agreement with my parents that my face was looking very gaunt when i was making forays into the 170's. Soooooo there you have it.....my goal...approved and recommended by my doctor and my husband.

Stats for September 29, 2009

Gym visit...all cardio

Food:
egg/cheese sandwich (homemade)
sauerkraut
green beans
carrots
pudding cup
2 fat free turkey hot dogs
2 hot dog buns
baked beans
banana split pie...ok ok ok...two servings. BUT, that would count for two servings of fruit! And I put in extra fruit in my banana split pie...double the banana...double the strawberries and I added pineapple!

I was so planned out with my eating yesterday. I knew that dinner was a bit higher, but I accounted for that the rest of the day and I was set. Well, I got home from work and Todd was just getting home from some errends. He was carrying a bag from the ice cream shop. Uggghhhh??? I was like, "we have banana split pie for dessert". He calmly answered...'No we don't...I ate some for lunch, there is still a bit in there". So he stopped at the ice cream shop and picked us up frozen yogurt. (fat free at least). Ok, that wasn't all that bad, I just looked up the numbers...maybe only 1 or 2 points more than the banana split pie. BUT, I fell into the "this yogurt/banana split pie switch has already blown my day" mentaility....so I had two helpings of the baked ziti. I guess it COULD be worse. I did work out in the morning. I worked out on Sunday...and I'm heading to the gym this morning also. Oh yeah, I ate 1/2 of the last piece of banana split pie too.....so there is 2 extra points also!!!! ARRGGHHH

I just put my food for today in my journal and all is well. And as for the banana split pie.....I made another one last night (added a layer of crushed pineapple...we'll see how that is when we have it for dinner tonight.....Todd will probably test it at lunch...haa haa haa)

Sooooo here is the stats for Monday Sept. 28, 2009
35 minutes cardio at the gym
30 minutes strength training at the gym

toast
green beans
chicken broccoli bake
banana
grapes
strawberries
baked ziti --1 1/2 servings (booo hooo...but it tasted really really good)
garlic toast
1/2 piece of banana split pie
fat free frozen yogurt

Monday morning already??????

The weeekend was rather uneventful. BUT, the most important thing that happened? I kept my eating under control!! I stayed within my food allowance and I actually ate well....not totally carb laden or anything like that.

Last night Todd and I settled down to play some Halo (we got the new one on Saturday). I popped some popcorn for our enjoyment. I was eating it and it hit me. I had the points for it. It was not over my allowance or anything like that. And I started to thinking about all the food I ate. I ate dessert for heavens sake...a healthy dessert, but dessert none-the-less. But the difference....I ate lots of fruits and veggies (naturally low in calories/points) By eating and making better choices, I was able to have the special thing (popcorn). And then I started to think...I've actually had popcorn 3 nights this past week.....and I didnt' go over my points any of those days either! By eating healthy, I actually eat more food. It's crazy!

Sooooooooo...the only other thing that happened this weekend. I made it to the gym on Sunday, I've already been there this morning also! Yesterday I did 45 minutes of straight up, sweat pouring off my body cardio. This morning I did 35 minutes of that perspiration inducing cardio and 30 minutes of strength training! Yup, I'm going to focus on doing the right thing and get strength training in a few times a week. We'll see how that goes!

September 27, 2009 Check in
toast
grilled cheese
carrots
sauerkraut
strawberries
piece of ww candy (double chocolate nuggat)
cheddar broccoli chicken bake
green beans
brown rice
banana split pie
popcorn

Empowerment

I'm in a much better place emotionally. Yeah, the bad stuff still gets to me....but I'm trying to focus on the good stuff. I would say that one of the big things that has helped me...is being able to focus on the control that I've had with my eating the last few days. As my funk increased, I became more determined to beat the funk and not give into the 'happy eating' that usually occurs. I'm happy to say that I actually have been doing well. Yesterday I made a lower fat/calorie version of a 'happy food' but that's the name of the game. When I sit down and think about it, when I have control over my eating, I really and truely do feel so empowered and strong...and that carried over and helped me feel empowered in every day life. Kinda neat.

Feeling empowered and strong just from beating a few days of my food addiction issues is really a good feeling. Addiction transfer???? I would be HAPPY to trade my food addiction to being addicted to being in control!!!

I've also beeen looking through and getting ready to try a whole slew of new recipes...and to me, that is sooo fun!!!

I've also decided that I am not going to worry about small goals on my way down (the 200 mark, every 10 pounds...or whatever). I am setting up my one final goal that I never reached. I had originally said 150 and we were going on a vacation of my choice....I was torn between a cruise, a trip to the bahamas...some all inclusive resort, or Disney world. SOOOOO I know that at 180 I was happy with my weight....people were commenting and telling me that my face was actually too gaunt. So I'm aiming for 180 as my final goal at this point. So when I get to 180....we are taking that trip. To add an incentive........my 20 year high school reunion should be next year....and what a pity (haa haa haa) it is in FL...so if I can combine that with my trip to Disney (I haven't been there since we moved from FL right about the time of my graduation from high school...and Todd's never been there). My employers also put a hold on raises this year....they were actually upset about this and in appreciation to our understanding and acceptance (what else could we do...at least we have jobs...lol) they have given us a week extra of vacation time to use by the end of next year. Hmmmm...so I also have an extra week of vacation time...PERFECT!!! A valid reason. Extra vacation time to use. AND a goal to reach!!! So I have a goal. As of yesterday morning 31 pounds by next summer. That's REALLY doable. My realistic (should be realitively easy) goal is to be under 200 by Christmas (11 pounds) ...my "I'd be over the moon" goal would be 190 by Christmas (21 pounds in 3 months...still quite doable).

My plan is to make it to the gym today!!!! I've got to get serious about the exercise. Exercise will help me make that goal!!!

The one other thing that I did that I think has helped to lift my spirits...even though I have dreaded doing it because it means I'm admitting that temporary failure of gaining weight...is that I broke down and went to Sears. When we bought our freezer earlier this summer we opted for the free delivery. You pay it up front, and then get it back in the mail. I opted for the gift card, knowing that I can always find a pair of tennis shoes or SOMETHING there. Well, earlier this week I got it in the mail $82.50. I knew immediately what I was going to do. Buy clothes that fit me. I hated to do it because I was giving in and admitting that I gained weight and that my clothes no longer fit. I was looking at it as being a failure....I'm buying clothes in the next size up! And not only was I feeling like a failure, but I was wasting my money on this failure by having to buy new clothes But I've been miserable for weeks upon end as I shove myself into the same few articles of clothing that still fit (most quite tightly) day in and day out. So when this gift card came...it was almost like 'free money' (yeah, I know that in reality I paid for it....) and it freed me to spend the money. Sears had some REALLY good deals. I bought 2 pairs of work/dress pants in neutral colors (I found a pair a few weeks ago for 3 bucks so I have one pair of dress pants that I've been wearing numerous times each week) and 11 tops for my 82.50! I shopped carefully and tried to buy stuff that fit me perfectly (nothing loose to 'allow' myself to gain even more weight) and also things that I can wear even after I lose weight. I bought a shells and camisole type shirts to go under my button down shirts that I can't wear right now (gained weight...the buttons are gaping across my chest area on my button down shirts)....so I can play with them and get more use out of them.

So all that said....Food for September 26, 2009

Baked Sugar n' Spice Doughnuts
Salad
Vegetable soup
garlic bread
roasted potatoes
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
strawberries
Fruit bar-strawberry

I didn't weigh myself the last two days, but I've been determined to not turn to my 'happy foods' to make myself feel better. It's been rough, but I've managed to stay away from the 'happy foods'. AND....I've been rewarded, the scales went down another pound!!! WOO HOOO!!!

Yes, that is my new term....happy foods. We all have our happy foods. For me it's baked goods and carbs. Pasta pasta pasta! Comfort foods...but I prefer to call them happy foods. Becuase they will make me happy (fleetingly of course...but happy) and if I'm already in a good mood...well then happy foods are a prefect accompaniment! Happy foods! But I've managed my happy food consumption these last few days. And while my mood has been one that I feel as if the world is crumbling down around me......I feel really good because I have been 100% in control of my eating!

Food for Friday September 25, 2009 (and might I add that they ordered in pizza for us at lunch at work).

toast
mandarin oranges
corn
green beans
kiwi
string cheese
Homemade Helper (sooo very tasty)
applesauce
lowfat/ff ice cream (yup, exactly 1/2 cup...I premeasure my ice cream as soon as I bring it home)
popcorn

Blah

Not gonna write today as I'm in a grand funk. I don't have it in me. However I vowed that my food would be posted on line....so......

Food for September 24, 2009

2 eggs
potatoes
toast
turkey bacon
Mandarin oranges
pudding cup
kiwi
string cheese
smart ones pizza
popcorn
toast

Food for thought!

Wow..posts in one day...but I was reading some other blogs and low and behold I hit upon this one....and wowzers, did it really hit me square in the forhead. This simple one line "If you want to change, you can’t just be in love with the end result, you have to fall in love with the process too." Striks a huge chord. I was/am totally in love with the end result...with me at 180 (a year ago)...that I've lost focus on the current process and in reality the current me. Please please please read this post!!!! I promise it will be worth your time!!!

Just another early morning with nothing on my agenda. Well, I could clean the house....but my cats hate hate hate the vacuum cleaner and considering I have one cat that had emergency surgery earlier this week and one cat that is still sequestered in the library and not really walking much (and when she does walk it's obvious that she's in pain)...uhhhhhh nope, I'm not running that vacuum.

I stayed within my points allowance yesterday, however I ate a whole bunch of carbs! Oh well, we'll see. I vow to do better today! Actually, I think I may run to weigh myself as I didn't do it first thing this morning! Whew....down another 6/10ths of a pound! Even with all those carbs...hopefully it doesn't come back to bite me tomorrow!

I'm in a bit of a funk here now. Yesterday for sure and it's carried into today. Probably worry over my kitty cats! So anyway...I'll bid adiu for now.

Food from September 23, 2009

pancakes (2....4 or 5 inch in diameter)
mandarin oranges
kiwi
pudding cup
apple
PB&J
pasta salad (one serving)
corn
Fat free ice cream

Thoughts

Struggling struggling struggling....how differently can I say it? I guess most of my problem is just my self disgust that I feel over my weight gain. I know that I'm not alone. I have friends online, in person, friends that I made when I attended weight watchers that are in the same boat. They have gained and the self disgust is tearing us up. I hate myself for letting this happen. I hate the fact that my clothes no longer fit. I'm still trying to hold out and not buy clothes because I so desperately want to lose the weight. So I'm miserable in my tight clothes...clothes that actually do not fit me any longer. And it just hit me while I was typing that this self disgust is actually part of my problems right now. This animosity that I hold toward myself is holding me back in my efforts to lose weight. Somehow, I need to acccept the fact that I'm human and that i've gained weight and I need to move on. The clothes thing...well, with the economy being so iffy, I still don't want to spend the money on clothes....but maybe I will have to buy just a few more things (i've bought just a few already) to make life bearable. I could actually still wear most of my button down shirts....if I left them open as a 'jacket' and used bought some camisols for underneath. Or even partially open in some cases. hmmmmm Pants, I bought one pair which I wear twice a week. If I buy one more pair again in a neutral color, I may be able to pull it off. (friday and saturday is khaki day...and I actually still have some that fit). So there is a possibility.

Sooooo something that I'm going to institute is that I am going to begin to post, online for the world to see my food for the day and my exercise. I think this is a grand idea because if I know that others are going to be looking, I may think twice. SOOO if my food intake starts disappearing off of my posts, please call me out on it! And for those of you who preach protein...yeah, I know...I need more of it on most days)

I'll start with yesterday Septembre 22, 2009.....and it's not a very pretty first start....which is why I'm doing it.

Toast
Green Giant individual corn
Green beans
Jello pudding cup
Wasa cracker
mandarin oranges
grapes
Southwestern Chicken ...this is actually a pretty healthy dish....but I had two servings.
cornbread
pears
betty crocker mini bowl thingy-the 100 cal things
1/2 cup reduced fat peanut butter ice cream (yes, measured out)

stress!

sept-1-2008 (1 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, are you ready for the Stotler family drama of the day???? I'll go in chronological order.

I stopped at the post office to pick up the mail on the way to work. There were statements from our bank (the one we use most regularly, not the accounts from where I work). So when I got to work I decided to go ahead and balance my checkbooks. All was looking good.....UNTIL I noticed a deposit was not there. However a check that I wrote for cash two days later was posted. I pulled out my receipts and no problem...the receipt is in my book (thank heavens...I'm usually really good about keeping receipts, but every once in a while one gets put somewhere else). I called the bank...they see no record what-so-ever of my money. They are 'investigating' it right now....they should get back to me today. Uhhhhhhh I'm not happy about this at all. I called them more than 3 hours ago.....I read all of the information off the receipt...so they have the exact time date, teller info...everything from the transaction. I'm going to call back in another hour or so and raise stink. This is ridiculous. I have a stinkin' receipt! Give me my money and figure out what messed up convoluted error you made on your own after MY money is back in my account! So that is drama one...I'm currently on hold awaiting their call.

Secondly. Todd had cancellation this morning (THANK GOODNESS) and went home to pick up something. He noticed Desi, laying on the bed licking himself profusely. Everywhere he licked, he left a strip of blood. Yes, you read that right. I asked if it was his poor little scabs...did one break open and was he bleeding. Todd was like, "NO, it's coming from his mouth!" Called the vet and they said bring him right up. Todd headed up to town (20 minute drive of course). By the time he got there, he said the blood was gushing from the cats mouth. (the towel that was in the cat carrier was covered wit blood when he brought it home). They rushed Deebs right in and quickly acertained that he has a huge gash (hole) in his mouth. They rushed Desi into emergency surgery to put repair this issue. The good news.....Todd had that cancellation and had forgotten a piece of paper and went home to get it at 10:30 instead of at 1PM when he was planning on going back for lunch and to pick up that paper. The vet said that at the rate that he was bleeding, that he would have bleed to death within an hour or two. So we miraculously found him sooner because of a cancellation with the studio. Thus, I'm waiting for a call from the vet also!

The vet told todd that he could have gotten into a fight with another cat. I asked Todd, "did you check the other cats when you noticed Desi" He was like, no, I just scooped up desi and ran. So I left work and rushed home to check on the other babies. None had a leg dangling or an eye missing. Ethel however seems to be walking very gently...favoring her back end. SOOOO my co-worker and I came up with this scenario. Desi attacked Ethel.....Ethel fought back. When Ethel fights she uses her back legs and roto-tills on him. Her claw got him in the mouth, and somehow in the fray (probably with him panicked with a wound in his mouth...possibly she panicked with her claw stuck in the flesh of his mouth) she twisted and has caused her back end to be sensitive. Oh the drama never ends at our house.

And all this worry makes me want to eat eat eat!


The picture on today's post is of my baby that's in surgery today. Desi!

Heritage days!

I have no clue what I weigh today. Nor will I know. Yesterday was absolutely crazy!!!! It was the day of the Sharpsburg Heritage Days! Todd and I were up at 5AM. I threw some bread in the toaster and had breakfast bright and early. We were in town by 6AM and I was unloading all of our sound gear and lights from our vehicle. I helped set up stuff until 7:45 when it was time for me to walk across the parking lot into the bank. I worked until noon and then I went outside. As I somehow ended up with the title of photagrapher for the event, I was busy taking pictures (I was able to leave my job and run outside to get a few things in the morning also). I went to grab lunch an hour or so later and the place that was selling Chicken was sold out!!! YIKES! That left me with steamers or hot dogs from a local church....or crab cakes. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't do beef and I DEFINITELY don't do crabcakes! I ended up finding a country ham sandwich and an apple dumpling for lunch. Dinner rolled around. Todd was fine (he had gotten his chicken early...and for dinner he had a crabcake). For dinner...the ham sandwiches were gone.....and quite honestly most of the food venders were totally gone or sold out. Uhhhhhh....what do do ....what to do. Well, I did the only thing a food addict WOULD do. I went to the ice cream shop and had a nice big dish of ice cream! YES! I ate three scoops! Heath, Strawberry and Chocolate for you foodies out there that are salivating! Ok, before I go on....I did stick with fat free yogurt and didn't go straight up ice cream!!! The music finally ended at 10...we loaded up our gear and came home. So I had a grilled cheese, 100 cal pack of chocolate covered pretzels and a jelly pudding cup (60 cal) at about midnight. Sooo my eating was a bit out of the ordinary. Ohh yeah,and add to the fact that I didn't drink nearly enough. (there was no way.....I didn't go to the bathroom ALL day...so I KNOW I dehydrated myself!)

My saving grace? From 5AM until pretty much 11:30PM I was on my feet and moving! Who knows how it will shake out. But I am not going to let one day derail me!

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

About a week or two ago Todd and I watched one of my all time favorite movies....the Shawshenk Redemption. And of course having that movie in my head emphasized my choice that I'm making right now. That choice? To live.

It's been no secret. I've gained weight over the last year. I'm not happy with myself over this, but that's a whole other ball game....er post. I was only half way committed to the weight loss journey and therefore I lost control and gained. Finally it hit me. I have two choices. I can get busy living or be busy dying. Literally. I can chose healthy foods, healthy activities and lose the weight and live. Or I can continue eating poorly, ignore exercise and die. I can live or I can die. How can this be that I'm chosing life or death?

Lets go with death first. The larger I get the more miserable I feel. Aches and pains that I had long forgotten. I don't have the energy that I had at a lower weight. In essence my quality of life has diminished because of added weight. I know that to gain more would continue to lower that level. I'm not saying that I can't be a happy fat girl...I just know that it's more difficult for every day things. My arthritic knees bother me more. Back pains. Stomach aches (they were constant). You name it. But even beyond the diminished quality of life is the fact that the added weight could very well eventually kill me. There are quite a few weight related illnesses out there. One of them would surely eventually catch up to me and get me. So yes, death very well could be closer on the horizon with a heavier weight.

Soooo not lets talk about life. Well, there's not much to talk about except to say that my energy levels are outstandingly higher with each pound of extra weight that is gone from my body. My arthritis doesn't bother me nearly as much. Stomach pains.....rare. My bloodwork came back so much better at a lower weight...showing me that my risks for some of these illnesses was greatly reduced. I was able to lead a much more productive life and I knew that that life was better protected because of the lifestyle I was leading. Losingi and maintaining a weight loss is to chose life.

Soooo I have a choice every time I look in the refridgerator. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. I have a choice every time I am waffling back and forth between going to the gym or skipping it. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. The choice is that simple!

Gym gym gym. Yes, I made it to the gym again today! My legs muscles are still sore...although it's a very dull soreness now. My back is still tender. I started on the elliptical, but moved to a bike at the gym as the eliiptical bothered my back. :-)

Eating wise....I'm getting this down. And my weight dropped today!

Moving along on my quest!

Well....woke up this morning and could barely move. My lower back sometimes gives me grief. (yeah yeah yeah...I'm falling apart, my knees, my upperback/shoulder, what's next). I usually just use it and overextend it...but more commonly I find that while sleeping todd flips his leg over me and if I'm laying lower in the bed (which I usually am becuase a cat is sharing my pillow...so of course I lay lower in the bed to allow the cat to stretch out). Anyway, if I'm laying lower in the bed his leg then rests across my lower back...which pulls my back out of alignment...and causes me pain int he morning. SOoo this morning was one of those lucky mornings. I made it through work and came home. Determined to work out. Todd cancelled on me (for good reasons this time) so I didn't go to the gym. Not to fear, not to fear. I still sucked it up and hopped onto the recumbent bike here at our house and read while I rode for a bit. So I'm still on track!

Eating. I'm within my points...my portions are ok...I just need to really focus on chosing the BEST choices for myself!!

Worked out again this morning at the gym!!! Two days of gym visitation down! Two days of good activity before that!!! So four days of having activity back in my life. WOO HOO!

Eating yesterday. Well, I planned it all so well. But I didn't take into account that my 'normal' lunch that I usually take to work with me was not going to hold a candle to what I've been eating this past week. Soo the fruits and veggies and light lunch just didn't cut it. Therefore at about 4PM, I found myself just eating and eating and eating at work! It was nuts! I didn't do bad with my points, Todd was gone in the evening so I was able to adjust my nighttime eating to accomodate what I had gorged on earlier. Today was better. Of course I had a larger lunch (todd and I ate at together at lunch today). I took a banana to eat at 4...when I knew the munchies would hit! I have stayed within my points allotment thus far this evening. I have one point left. Probably a piece of fruit for me later this evening.

Speaking of this evening...The Biggest Loser is coming on!!! Woo hooo!

COOOOKIES

COOOOKIES, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ate wayyyy to much fair food at the Renaissance Festival yesterday. The food was fabulous. The entertainment enthralling and it was just a plain good fun day. We walked a whole lot!!!! It was my last hurrah before returning to work and I vowed that my return to work would also usher in my new focus on exercise and eating right.

Promise Kept, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But, I kept my promise. Back to work today.....and my vow to myself was that I would get myself back under control with not only my eating, but back on track with my exercise. SOOO this morning the alarm went off at 6AM, I rolled myself out of bed and went to the gym first thing!!! My eating is planned out and I plan on making this a super fabulous day!

reflections

reflections, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been busy. My friend came in LATE on Friday night. We slept in on Saturday and then hit the stores on Saturday afternoon and then dinner out (with my parents). Sunday morning we woke up early and headed for the beach. We came home on Monday night late. Yesterday we did some things local to my house...which included an official tour of the antietam battlefield for her. We've been up late talking (or in the case of last night, watching movies).

Food......not the greatest! But I've enjoyed EVERY dang bite of it. I've eaten things that I don't normally eat.....french fries (once), pizza...well, that's not too abnormal, a burger (yeah, that's rare for me now), and while Italian is not abnormal, we've had it twice. :-) I'm sure my weight is up a bit. I'll know shortly (whenever I motivate to move myself toward the bathroom to shower).

We take her back to the airport today. Todd and I are planning to join the new gym ASAP!!!

REALLY Freaking out about my bike ride on Saturday as I've...well....I"m so not ready for it physically! I am tickled though to be seeing our friends Donna and Andy!

food food everywhere

I totally lost control of my eating last night. Totally. Unequivicably. Just plain out of control. I had the menu planned out for the day and I knew what I was doing. However, at about 2 or 3 Todd asked if I would mind switching up what what was for dinner. He has a cold and is just feeling plain outright miserable and for him that affects the kinds of food he wants to eat. Of course I could switch. So I did...to cold cuts, mac salad and I bought some fat free pringles to accompany the meal. Hey, we did have watermelon for dessert! The change, while probably still in my points allowance for the day (I had eaten really wisely throughout the day) just did me in though. And I was hungry the rest of the night. I had ice cream (low fat/fat free.....and since I divy it up into 1/2 cup containers, I only did have one serving), I had a handful of pringles. I had a 100 cal bag of chocolate covered pretzels. And I had a frozen fruit bar. What's up with that? Finally I called it quits and went to bed!

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I'll face the scales tomorrow! Unless my friend really fouled up this week, I've lost the competition. Not a problem....I'm mad at myself for not using the opportunity to actuallly really get some weight loss going, but I've got my head on straight about it now and I'm ready to roll!

I didn't keep all that great track of my eating From Friday through last night. I kinda sorta did. I had some slip ups (Longhorn Steakhouse with that fabulous Parmesan Garlic crusted Chicken that was over 1000 calories)and some meals of simply not counting my points or even calories (last night my parents came to dinner). We ate out on Friday at Longhorn, Saturday at Chipotle (uhhh yeah, blew a lot of points on that burrito I found out after the fact..but it was REALLY tasty), Sunday we stopped at Blimpies and got subs and split a bag of chips. So I ate out a lot. Sunday I had those chips...super salty and on both sunday and monday I didn't drink even half of what I normally drink! But I bravely stepped onto the scales this morning. 208.4. WOOOOOOO So I dropped! Even with some probable water retention and my not so best eating choices! AMEN! I was active active active though!

Speaking of active...I'm really getting nervous about my bike ride coming up. My knees are aching. I'm actually somewhat afraid to ride because of my knees. So I think I'm just going to ride the exercise bike while I can and grit my teeth and bare it on that ride. Should be interesting!

Busy Beaver

I am so utterly sore it's not funny! I'm sore my back will loosen up as the day progresses. My legs are already feeling a bit better but whew!

Yesterday started early with me picking tomatoes in the garden. About a bushel ful of tomatoes were picked. I then came in and started working. I put them through the food mill and got about a third of that bubbling away in a stock pot, a third bubbling away in a crock pot and a third in a container waiting for an open burner on the stove. I got my water bath canner rolling and started in on my 3 bushels of apples (probably closer to 3.5 bushels when I added in the apples I bought last week.). As I was working I noticed that the house was becoming more and more humid and hotter and hotter. By 12:30 it was about 90 degrees in here but the worst of it, the air conditioning system kept powering totally down. It would restart, reset and run for about a minute and then power down. I was freakin' out! Not good when you have stuff bubbling away and spewing more hot air into your house. In the midst of this I sliced open my finger pretty badly. After the finger slicing I had a bit of a meltdown, crying and sobbing...oh yeah, the whole nine yards. BUT when I gathered myself together I was able to think clearly. I switched from canning my applesauce to freezing it. That removed the canner and all that hot steam from the kitchen. I then focused on getting everything done as fast as possible. Todd and I worked and worked and did it. I was in prayer the whole time about our heat pump! I knew that the guy that we would have come look at it was busy during the day so there was no use to call him at that point. My prayers were answered......Todd all of a sudden thought about the condensation drain. Sure enough, it was clogged! He unclogged it and it started to work. We still had a bunch of stuff on the stove, so the temps didn't drop quite as quickly as we would have liked, but we were tickled!

For lunch we had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me..and yes, I had two), mac and cheese and applesauce. For dinner we ran up to town and ate at chipotle where I had a vegetarian burrito (with sour cream, cheese and gaucamole!) and todd and I split and order of chips and salsa. So my eating was not totally up to par yesterday, BUT I was on my feet all day (after dinner we slipped into Best Buy..we were there for about 2-3 hours buying some new toys). Then of course we came home and had to tear down our old toys and start putting the new toys in place! So other than sitting to eat and sitting to drive up to town (and a little sitting/kneeling while working late in the evening) I was up, on my feet and active from about 8Am on Saturday until about 1AM on Sunday morning. Which leads us to my weight this morning....

I was a little nervous about my weight this morning. Afterall, I had a HUGE point meal on Friday night (delicious) and yesterdays foods weren't the best in points I can imagine. Sour cream???? Guacamole??? (I'll figure my points in a few minutes here...for the reckoning). But my weight was 209.6. So I dropped! Whew!

Longhorn Steakhouse

Last night we went out to dinner with friends. Had the most delightful time, I'm surprised that they didn't kick us out....we lost track of time. Got there at 6 and we left the restaurant at 11. Like I said, good time!

The problem. Longhorn Steakhouse....parmesan crusted chicken. Looked up the calories today. 1080 calories! JUST for the chicken! YIKES! It was soooo good though! I also had a sweet pototo (with butter and cinnamon), a salad with honey mustard dressing (they forgot the cheese on my salad...thank goodness, I don't think I needed it...wanted it, but didn't need it and ironically enough, I didn't realize it was missing until this morning) and one piece of bread! Uhhh yeah, I blew yesterday! NO, I blew one meal! I actually walked into that meal with having 21 points alloted. (I ate really healthy for breakfast and lunch...lots of zero pointers...stuff like green beans!) No worries. I'm back on it today. And today is a high level activity day with the apples!!!

Here I am another day down on the eating right journey. The scales were not overly friendly today as it showed me .6 pounds up. But I'm not worried. We had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me, soy for Todd) and baked beans last night for dinner. (hey, I got home at 6:15 and we had to be somewhere at 6:45....hot dogs are QUICK...pop those babies on the grill and by the time the baked beans are warmed, the dogs are ready). So we are talking sodium city. Then after the meeting at about 8:50 Todd and I hit up the ice cream shop. I had the points, but eating it late (and weighing in earlier this morning than normal) may have affected it. And if the slight gain wasn't from either of those things...then it's just simply a fact of nature, because I stayed within my points and was on track yesterday!

I'm hoping to pick up some apples today and do my applesauce tomorrow. I just want this canning to be over. I've canned a TON of stuff this year. I'm ready to put the canning stuff away, clean up my kitchen for good and go back to normality. :-) But a huge huge huge day of canning means a lot of activity and movement on my part. Big canning days are usually a boost to my weight loss efforts....because it's 12-14 hours or straight up movement. I usually even eat on the run. :-)

Soul Searching and total honesty

Back already to write an update! I finished writing my daily entry to my blog in my ramble fashion and I started reading other blogs. Then I got to this one. This is a post about food addiction written by the Scale Junkie. Very thought provoking. Why did it hit me so hard? I've readily admitted that I'm a food junky on more than one occasion. BUT, I have never opened myself up to full honesty. Outwardly I'm doing everything right. But I'm gaining or not losing. In reality, I was skirting on the edge of doing right....for most of the time. Sometimes I fell over the edge into 'poor eating' and at others I skip into the healthy eating realm. But never totally one way or the other. I wrote post after post lamenting my lack of progress and even my weight gains. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I had admitted that I had a food addiction, but i was still hiding it. No more. Total honesty, no matter how badly it makes me look.

Sooo I'll start this new realm off with some confessions.

1. My bike ride this morning that I mentioned in passing....I didn't even make it 30 minutes. I only did 20 minutes. No wait...total honesty.....I rode 19 minutes and 23 seconds before giving up and going back to laze mode!

2. Yesterday, while I still ate ok and managed my food and showed a loss this morning...the boredom got me at work in the afternoon. I ate a handful of pretzels, a handful of tortilla chips and 5 pieces of salt water taffy. I counted my points and monitored my eating the rest of the day, but I caved to the temptation of my addiction. (see, I glossed over that fact....yeah, I still came out on top...but I lost control of my addiction...and the only reason i stopped was because I ate a piece of taffy and didn't like the flavor)

3. My weight. I've admitted that I've gained some. I've shared that I'm losing again. But I've never talked about how much I've gained. I've glossed over the down and dirty figures. Last fall, just about a year ago, I was terribly proud because I was showing a huge weight loss. Well over a hundred pounds. I had reached the weight that my doctor thought was a good one for me, 180 pounds. I had made lifetime at weight watchers (based on my doctors recommendation...he said I could go lower, but 180 was the high end of where he thought I should be.) I felt good with my body, yeah, I would like to go lower but i was happy. And then I went on vacation. I splurged and ate. I ate some more. And then even more. I came back and i weighed close to 189 pounds. Instead of jumping right back on the plan, I continued my unhealthy habits. Sometimes. I never went totally off the plan, but I was never hard core with eating healthy. I splurged more often than I should have and worked out less often. Soon I saw 190 pounds. Then 195. Before I knew it I was back at 199 pounds facing that huge dividing line. 200. Yes, I hit 200 and kept going. Still vowing to get it under control...I was trying ya know. My attempt was just half hearted. 205 came and then 208. I started a competition with a friend when I weighed 208.8...a few short months ago. I was still only half heartedly working on this...yet trying to convince myself and the world that I had my food addiction under control. The scales said something different. Last Saturday I stepped on the scales and saw 217. Yes, that is still just about 100 pounds from where I first started...but that is also almost 40 stinkin' pounds from where I was a year ago. That is not cool but what is totally not acceptable is the fact that I've been lying to myself and skirting the truth. I messed up. I'm happy to say that in the last week I've dropped and my weight was exactly 210.0 this morning! Yes, I've done really well this week!

That is all the half truths that I can think of from my most recent entries that I can think that need to be set straight. And as hard as it has been to admit...I feel better for it.

Happy Thursday! Or is it happy? I'm at work after a lazy morning at home. I woke up and just laid around in the living room. Watching the news. Now I am so not a news junky. Todd watches the news all the time, so I dont' feel the need to watch it on my own...I hear enough just from when he watches it when I'm around. Soooo you can realize how lazy I was when I say that I was too lazy to even find the remote to change the channel. Yes, there is a hospital in Cleveland that is one of the best in the country and they have some of the lowest health care costs around. How??? Well, since I heard this report at 6:30 and again somewhere around 8, I know! I did garner my energy and I did hop on the exercise bike for a short ride. So at least I did something. I did pack my lunch for work and had my breakfast so I didn't just throw everything aside for a live of laziness.

So here I am at work....I've already had 1/3 of the total amount of transactions that I had yesterday and I'm only 1 hour in. Still boring..because 7 transactions in an hour are not all that much...but I'll take what I can get. I'm reeling though...they seem to have blocked facebook!!! That was my daily entertainment! Oh well. I've still got blogger! LOL

My weight was down even further today. Four Tenths of a pound today, so it is slowing down...but still moving in the right direction at least!

mf

Boredom Eating

Boredom. Boredom is a very real and serious issue that I face day in and day out. My job. I'm tickled to have a job in this economy. I'm tickled that my job is so close to home (no small feat in Sharpsburg). I'm tickled that I don't have a job that 'comes home with me' in the evenings. BUT, my job is soooooo very boring. When we have customers it's not all that bad. However, we don't have all that many customers coming in and out at this point. So we sit. For hours we sit! NOOOOOO, it's not that customers don't want to come to me to have them wait on me....none of us have that many customers. So I sit here. I peruse the interent. I play games on the internet. I write in my blog (yup, second entry this morning....in two hours no less). I read other blogs (maybe I should add more to my list of ones that I read). I read books. I clip coupons. I try to do what I can to keep myself busy here. But it never truely masks the fact that I'm bored! And with boredom comes boredom eating. I got to work at 10 this morning and by 10:15 I was already starting to think about when I could eat lunch and what is in my lunch box. I play a game with myself to hold off on eating my lunch as long as possible. Simply because as soon as lunch is eaten and all is put away, I'm back to being bored. And then i start to think about food again. And let me tell you...the afternoons....from noon until we close at 6 is a LONG stretch to be bored and thinkign about food. Boredom eating is a huge issue!

The only thing that saves me is the fact that I pack my lunch. When the food in my lunch box is gone, I'm done eating. The bad thing? I know taht there are chips in the cabinet just over yonder. I will freely admit that there have been times in the not so distant past where after the lobby is closed that I have snuck over to that cabinet (the drive through person is facing the other direction) and tried to ever so quietly open up a bag of chips and get a light snack. (not only do I eat from boredom, but I'm also a closet eater). Sad, I know.

I deal with roughly 40 hours each week of this intense boredom. My will is being constantly tested. Food is in my thoughts for a good portion of that. Why? Because old habits die hard. I'm a food addict plan and simple. It (food) fills my thoughts much of my time. Is this something that I will ever change? I'm actually thinking no. I think that food will occupy most of my thoughts for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that though...because I'm constantly learning and evolving and learning how to deal with this addiction.

Joy joy...the downward slide (downward on the scales that is) continueth! Down even further today! I have to confess....I did not ride my bike this morning. I woke up and stumbled to my computer where I did the facebook thing, checked my email and read all the new posts on some of the blogs that I read...and just putzed around online. Lazy butt that I am. I work until 6 and I've got a realatively easy meal planned for Todd and I. After that, I have already politely asked (aka informed) my husband that we are goign to get some things done around the house. The screened in porch is in shambles! I know a lot of that is my fault as when I'm canning I run out and root through things to get the jars that I need. But tonight it will be organized! We also should mow the lawn. I may have him mow it and I'll follow up with the rake and gather up all those wonderful clippings for the compost pile! Wait, maybe I'll work on the trees that he cut down! Something. I'm just going to try to be active tonight!

Soooo did anyone read the article on brain function and obesity? Yes, apparently obese people have diminished brain capabilities. Just one more thing to scare us!

You know, I can't help but love that stage when you first get yourself back in line with your eating. The weight just drops off like nothing else! Ahhh yes, I'm in THAT stage! Wonder how long my body will continue to be really kind to me and drop weight like mad? I have a feeling not too much longer. I think I've probably dropped all the water weight and whatnot that my body can muster. However, I'd be tickled with one more day! ~~bottoms up on the water~~

I woke up this morning and pondered riding my bike to work again. I ended up chosing to not. HOWEVER, I did ride my exercise bike this morningi for 30 minutes. Yeah yeah yeah, I used to do an hour and a half. But you know....for my recent activity level, 30 minutes is spectacular! And I can't look at wwht used to be...I need to look at now and look to the future! So I'm proud of myself...formal exercise two days in a row! (watch out...it may snow).

I've brought in my recipe book. I have a friend coming to visit in a week and a half. She and I have been struggling and we both talked about the fact that we don't want to gain while she is here. It would be sooo darn easy too. But I'm planning on cooking at home some, which will help. We have also decided to set aside one splurge day. Not as an excuse to go hog wild...but to monitor our splurge. I'm thinking it may be the day we go to the ocean....that would probably be the wisest course since we will be leaving the house EARLY and getting back LATE (it's about three to three and a half hours one way to the beach). So most likely we will be eating all meals that day on the go...less control. PLUS, we'll be walking on the boardwalk and such while we are there...for activity. So anyway, I'm planning as many low points meals as possible so that it can counteract any higher points meals that we may eat out. I know Taco Soup is one of the things. I'm also thinking burritos. For a snack maybe some Sorbet Oh yum, thinking about pizza casserole, only 7 points for a big serving! Sooo that's my plan for the day!

Monday madness

I'm not feeling so extremist today. I don't think I'll be lobbing off an arm or a leg simply as a way to lose pounds. I'll hold that thought though for the future should the need arise. haa haa haa

My weight has dropped in the last two days. So I'm feeling remotely better about that. It's still high high high. But it's dropping and I'm not stopping until it does. Yesterday I calculated my points carefully and planned out my eating. I stayed within my points and all was good. I was also really active. I woke up at about 6 AM and went out and picked tomatoes, green peppers and zucchinis. The green peppers and zucchinis were for mom, the tomatoes...well joy joy, they were for me to preserve. So I worked on tomatoes all morning. After they were done, I cleaned the house and had just enough time to grab lunch, shower and then head up to Hagerstown. Mom and I went to the movies to see Julie and Julia. I really liked the movie. It was inspiring. Inspiring me to be more creative and try more recipes. No, I'm not the french cuisine type girl, so I have no desire to do the exact same thing. But it reminds me of my goal to try more recipes...which I have done. I go through spurts and try a lot and then go through weeks on end where I just cook the good old stand-by meals. But anyway, I digress....I liked the movie. Just a little feel good movie.

After the movie mom and I swung up through Smithsburg and I stopped at the orchard and picked up my pears. (and some other fruit to eat fresh). I skeddaddled on home and started the long process of canning my pears for the upcoming year. Todd came home midway through so I stopped, made dinner and then picked back up and finished those pears. (todd helped....what a great husband!) So I was on my feet all day working!

This morning I woke up early and went to the kitchen and put away the now dried dishes from my last washing last night. I also wiped down the jars from last night and put them away. I took out the last bowl of compost from last night and turned the compost pile. There is something about the steam rising from the compost pile that just excites me. (yeah, I'm weird I know). I picked the blossoms off the first year of our everbearing strawberries (about 75 plants) and I made breakfast for todd and I. The kitchen was cleaned up once again. I showered and packed my stuff and hopped onto my bike to ride into work. Yes, you read that right. I rode my bike to work. First time on the road since June 6th! I've been on my bike a handful of times, but it has been on the canal...flat flat flat. I will say that I'm feeling it. 2.5 miles and I'm feeling it. AND I of course have to ride home tonight. Oh well...I've got to get used to it. I'm pretty much to the do or die.....sink or swim time. I've got 3 weeks until my next organized ride. I don't want to be miserably sore. So I know that i need to be out on my bike a few times a week until then!

Ok, this makes no earthly sense. I carefully counted my points yesterday. I ate wisely at dinner. I did it right. And I gained? I gained??? WTF? Why don't I just go ahead and lob off one of my appendages. I mean, my arm must weight what....5 pounds? 10 pounds?

Taco soup!

Taco soup.....sooo yummy!

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/taco-soup.html

BIke news

January 12, 2009 (134 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I love my Trek. It has been with me through thick and thin...through the loss of 100 plus pounds. And I do not plan on getting rid o my Trek. I'll be keeping that for riding on the canal. My trek is what is known as a comfort bike, so not really a mountain bike not really a....well not really anything else. I love it. But you sit more upright and it just isn't that efficient. So I do believe it's time to buy a road bike. I'm looking at the jamis Ventura Comp. I was looking at the sport, but I do believe I'm going to upgrade to the comp. We'll have to see.

Food thus far today is rolling. . I haven't eaten taht many points, but they were foods that really filled me up and satisfied me (taco soup...yummy! and only 1 point per 1 cup!). That helps the points along when you eat 2 cups of very fillling soup for 2 points!

I did eat a bit at work yesterday, but I thought I managed quite nicely. So I stepped on the scales this morning. I was down about a half of pound (.6 to be exact). I'll take it. I am thus far on track today with my eating. I've figured out what I'm having for dinner and what I ahd for breakfast and lunch. I did have a snack here at work (leftovers from yesterdays party, but I have the points for it so all is well). And yes, even with the snacks, my food choices for today will have given me plenty of fruits and veggies. :-)

Here I am. I had a pretty good day food wise yesterday. Kept it together. Today I'm determined to forego the birthday pot luck meal that's sitting here in all it's glory. I know that if I start, just to even 'try' something, that I will not stop eating. SOOOO I'm not starting. I brought a fruit tray, so there is something for me to nibble so that I don't seem so anti-social. It also helps that I leave here today at noon...so I won't be tempted all day long!

My weight...stayed exactly the same from yesterday morning to this morning. But that's ok...it's going to go down!

options and feelings

So I was writing a response to a blog entry today and wrote that after a day of eating lots of good things that there are a myriad of feelings and emotions pouring through me. They include

1. Euphoria over the lingering memories of the delicious tasting food.
2. Physical illness from eating foods that my body is not accustomed to (or should I say in the quantity that my body is not accustomed to).
3. Mentally kicking myself for binging. Self disgust if you will.

Yeah, it's kinda confusing to have all of these emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But after I typed it and I'm sitting here at work, I realized that I need to make the choice. I can feel any or all of those emotions OR I can feel some other emotions and feelings......

4. Empowerment-received when I'm on top of my eating and beating my food addiction.
5. Physically strong-the food that my body is receiving gives me energy and a vivaciousness because it is what my body needs and in the quantity that my body needs.
6. Happiness and a growing respect for healthy foods. The more I eat them, the better some things taste.
7. A slight feeling of missing out from not eating the foods that I'm addicted to.

Soooo i have an option of 6 feelings. Some will go hand in hand. But my food choices will affect how I feel. Is that euphoric feeling really worth having the effects of numbers 2 and 3? On the flip side, are the wonderful feelings and emotions of numbers 4-6 enough to outweigh and overpower the negative of 7???

Sooo that is my deep thoughts for the day.