I have done pretty good today with my eating. I'm happy at least. I feel as if I've done what I needed to do to get myself back on target! Tonight for dinner I made Southwestern Chicken. This is a pretty good meal, and quite filling! The kitchen is now cleaned up and I'm relaxing.
I got to thinking after reading todays post from JC about feeling power when we eat or overeat. It got me to thinking. NO, I never had that when I overate. However I do definitely feel empowered when I am eating correctly and making good choices. And as I read it, I knew that I want to feel that self satisfaction and empowerment. It really is a great feeling! And I'm going to strive for that feeling! Thanks JC!
Friday, September 26, 2008
gym visit and general thoughts
Todd and I went to the gym this morning. I had just stepped onto the elliptical machine when a friend saw me. We started to talk. 30 minutes later, after having just stood there doing nothing remotely exercise related, we moved to side by side treadmills and walked while we talked for another 30 minutes. While I didn't get a really intense workout in today, I think talking to this friend was super important. She is a friend from the weight watchers group that I was attending, the one that was cancelled. She is struggling with her weight also. We discussed the emotional issues that I'm working through and the ones that she is working through. I felt refreshed when we left. Just what I needed.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to force myself to ignore those feelings and desires to 'stay hidden' in the woodwork. I'm pushing myself to do what I want to do and not worry about anything other than the fact that it is what I want to do and ultimately that I'm happy. And you know what? It's not killing me. No-one has looked at me oddly, in fact some of my efforts have sparked some really great conversations with others. So I'm trying.
My weight today 185.4. So still up. I'm actually not too overly surprised. Last night I made the ultimate comfort food (ok, one of them), Perogi casserole. It is super yummy, tasty and a carb lovers dream! I did eat accordingly the rest of the day but I know that when I overload on carbs I don't lose as well.
Don't know what I'm going to do to shake up my weight to start losing...but I'm gonna try my best! I will also have to start going to ww meetings regularly and paying until I get this excess 3-5 pounds off to get me back under. Not that that is any problem because I actually have always planned on continuing to attend the meetings weekly. I haven't done it though this month because I've been trying to get back under my goal so I dind't have to pay. Didn't make it...oh well. So either Monday or tuesday I'll be back in meetings. Not sure which yet....as there isn't really any meeting that fits my schedule!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to force myself to ignore those feelings and desires to 'stay hidden' in the woodwork. I'm pushing myself to do what I want to do and not worry about anything other than the fact that it is what I want to do and ultimately that I'm happy. And you know what? It's not killing me. No-one has looked at me oddly, in fact some of my efforts have sparked some really great conversations with others. So I'm trying.
My weight today 185.4. So still up. I'm actually not too overly surprised. Last night I made the ultimate comfort food (ok, one of them), Perogi casserole. It is super yummy, tasty and a carb lovers dream! I did eat accordingly the rest of the day but I know that when I overload on carbs I don't lose as well.
Don't know what I'm going to do to shake up my weight to start losing...but I'm gonna try my best! I will also have to start going to ww meetings regularly and paying until I get this excess 3-5 pounds off to get me back under. Not that that is any problem because I actually have always planned on continuing to attend the meetings weekly. I haven't done it though this month because I've been trying to get back under my goal so I dind't have to pay. Didn't make it...oh well. So either Monday or tuesday I'll be back in meetings. Not sure which yet....as there isn't really any meeting that fits my schedule!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
another ramble
Ohhh why oh why did I not have my camera with me. Last week it was the firemen. Today it as the police. We had this strange person come in and open an account. He then used our bathroom. He was in there for 15 minutes! The toilet never flushed! (I sit near the bathroom....) The one supervisor was a bit freaked out...so she called the police to check it out. He searched our bathroom. WAY too funny!
Thank you for the kind comments about the demise of my friend. (the mug) I admit I've chuckled a bit about my death of a friend and some of ya'lls comments. :-) I'm really having a tough time finding a replacement. I'm using my backup mug now....but I need to replace the one that I broke (even if as only a back up mug). I hesitate to buy one with a sports logo on it (I'm not into sports) or an advertisment (remember, I take this EVERYWHERE). Not to mention that just the sheer amount of ounces in the mug take it to a whole different level (it's a 64 ounce mug). Todd, oh my dearest of dear husbands found me a replacement online. From HOOTERS! Uhhh NO! Although it is funny!
I have a friend that I correspond with pretty much every day. She is a good friend from college, and then she and I shared an apartment for a year after college. We had lost contact for a while, but have been talking for a while now. Talking to her has made me realize and remember what I used to be like and it has brought some of that back to life. Tis a very good thing. Thank you Suzy!! I think it's long think it's long past time to bring back the 'real' maryfran!
I thank you for reading my emotions about my teaching fiasco/mess. I honestly think that was the first time that I have actually admitted to anyone that the situation has caused me to have an intense fear of failure. I know that is also one of the first times I have ever made it through a conversation (or writing about it...which I have done in the past) without crying or actually even feeling the phyical problems that occur when I think about that situation. (my throat closes up and I can't breath....nothing major...tee hee hee) Does that mean that I'm healing??????
I think part of what is helping me is this project to take a picture a day for a year. Yeah, I can snap pictures....but to view life through a view finder. I actually have to look for the beauty around me. And it's everywhere. I'll admit, sometimes the 'dark' photos are pretty to view, but I'm figuring out that I don't have it in me to actually take those dark photos......it just not intrinsically in me. That is just one more little piece that got me to thinking.
Just one more step in the metamorphisis of myself. Changing my body for the better, changing my emotions for the better, changing my lifestyle for the better. It's all inter-connected.
Thank you for the kind comments about the demise of my friend. (the mug) I admit I've chuckled a bit about my death of a friend and some of ya'lls comments. :-) I'm really having a tough time finding a replacement. I'm using my backup mug now....but I need to replace the one that I broke (even if as only a back up mug). I hesitate to buy one with a sports logo on it (I'm not into sports) or an advertisment (remember, I take this EVERYWHERE). Not to mention that just the sheer amount of ounces in the mug take it to a whole different level (it's a 64 ounce mug). Todd, oh my dearest of dear husbands found me a replacement online. From HOOTERS! Uhhh NO! Although it is funny!
I have a friend that I correspond with pretty much every day. She is a good friend from college, and then she and I shared an apartment for a year after college. We had lost contact for a while, but have been talking for a while now. Talking to her has made me realize and remember what I used to be like and it has brought some of that back to life. Tis a very good thing. Thank you Suzy!! I think it's long think it's long past time to bring back the 'real' maryfran!
I thank you for reading my emotions about my teaching fiasco/mess. I honestly think that was the first time that I have actually admitted to anyone that the situation has caused me to have an intense fear of failure. I know that is also one of the first times I have ever made it through a conversation (or writing about it...which I have done in the past) without crying or actually even feeling the phyical problems that occur when I think about that situation. (my throat closes up and I can't breath....nothing major...tee hee hee) Does that mean that I'm healing??????
I think part of what is helping me is this project to take a picture a day for a year. Yeah, I can snap pictures....but to view life through a view finder. I actually have to look for the beauty around me. And it's everywhere. I'll admit, sometimes the 'dark' photos are pretty to view, but I'm figuring out that I don't have it in me to actually take those dark photos......it just not intrinsically in me. That is just one more little piece that got me to thinking.
Just one more step in the metamorphisis of myself. Changing my body for the better, changing my emotions for the better, changing my lifestyle for the better. It's all inter-connected.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Mourning the loss of a good friend!
Today was a busy one. I didn't do all that great eating, but it could have been worse! We ran ALL day long! But there was a terrible casualty today. There was a car accident. YOu see, I had my hands full of stuff when we left the house. I put my mug (pictured above, cropped and enlarged from a photo I took YESTERDAY) on top of the car as I threw my stuff into the back seat. Everything in, I hopped into the car and Todd drove off. Uhhh about a half mile down the road I heard it. Todd figured out what it was more quickly than I (hey, he had rear view mirrors). Yes, that mug made it a half mile down the road. It shattered. Well, not totally, but well beyond further use. I am personally shattered. This is my mug. My friend. I literally go EVERYWHERE with that mug. Come on now, after the incident with the fire department being called last Friday morning, one of the firefighters came back in the afternoon to cash his pay check and was joking with everyone at the bank that as long as I was at work, I could put out any fire with the water that I carry around. I do not move without my mug. Yes, I was in tears! This mug has been with me for 130 pounds of weight loss (well, for most of it at least!) I have lost a good friend! I'm scouring the interenet. I do not want one that has advertisements on it! I can not find one!!!!!!!!
So lets all have a moment of silence for the newly departed mug!
So lets all have a moment of silence for the newly departed mug!
Fear
The weight is up this morning. Hello cookie dough!
I was in the shower this morning thinking about the plans that Todd and I have for the day. We will be on the go ALL day...meaning we will most likely eat two meals out. Part of me wants to just say screw it and eat what and where I WANT to eat. However, I know that I can't do that. I can't give up. Giving up is the easy and 'safe' route. In conjunction with what I wrote last night, giving up is safe. If I say I'm stopping now, there is no risk for failure. It's a difficult decision..because I greatly fear failure...the taste of it is still in my mouth. I don't want another dose.
I was in the shower this morning thinking about the plans that Todd and I have for the day. We will be on the go ALL day...meaning we will most likely eat two meals out. Part of me wants to just say screw it and eat what and where I WANT to eat. However, I know that I can't do that. I can't give up. Giving up is the easy and 'safe' route. In conjunction with what I wrote last night, giving up is safe. If I say I'm stopping now, there is no risk for failure. It's a difficult decision..because I greatly fear failure...the taste of it is still in my mouth. I don't want another dose.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Ate myself out of house and home
Let me tell you, at the rate I"m going today with eating....even these dog biscuits look good!!!!!!!! I will say though that the dogs and the giving of the dog biscuits are my favorite part of my job! :-) Seriously though, this picture just reached out and grabbed me today.....so that is what I chose for my picture for the day for my 365 project!
Well after the cookie dough I've actually managed somewhat to keep myself under control today. Thank goodness!
Ohhh watching TBL right now.....and I won't say much of anything about it in case some of you haven't watched it yet. But the one person talked about afraid of doing it because he/she is afraid of failure. I'll admit it...I'm afraid of failure. I already feel like a failure in the career field. I loved teaching...but had such a failure that it affected my mental state. Ironically enough, the failure was not of my doing either......I was in an unfortunate situation designed by some other person and all I could do was ride it out. But it was bad enough that I seriously thought about committing suicide to get out of the situation. I had tried every other means at my disposal to correct the situation and getting nowhere, and for those few minutes felt that it was my only soluntion. It wasn't the only solution. I quit the next day. Sealing my fate. I quit in themiddle of a school year, with no notice. Some things are more important than a contract...I'm one of them. I moved home (literally into my parents basement) and licked my wounds and healed. Ok, at least I began the healing process. I still frequently cry when I think about and talk about the situation that I was in (my life was threatened by students....administration refused to help and actually made threats also......and numerous other offenses). It really just was a terrible situation. And when I heard that person tonight it hit me. I'm afraid of failing. I've already failed and I dont' want to do it again! To the point of not trying. Because if I don't try, then I can't fail! But what I need to tell myself that I fail IF I do not try!
A slip up
My weight was up this morning...back up to 183.8. I have no clue why.
And uhhhh today. Well, this morning I slept late. I decided to eat my breakfast first and then exercise. I ate my breakfast and sat down at my computer to check my emails before exercising (letting my food settle). My dearest of husbands (yes, that was written in a sugary sweet tone) looked at me and innocently said, "ohhh yeah, we are having a committee meeting here at the house tonight" I'm sure my eyes bugged out. You see, I've been busy working outside and we were away on Sunday and well......my house is a wreck! Ok, it's not a wreck, but with four cats the floor is in constant need of vacuuming and the kitchen floor....well sweeping and mopping are a daily need (not that it gets done every day). And then just a few minor things. Didn't exercise....went on a wild rampage to clean the house instead. Oh yeah, and I baked chocolate chip cookies for the meeting also. Made lunch for Todd and I and STILL made it to work by noon. Uhhhhh I purposefully skimmed over the cookie part..........I uhhhh ate some cookie dough. Can we leave it at that???? (a little slip up...but not the end....I will just pick up the pieces and move forward)
Ohhh and the final straw....at 11:30 when all the work was done todd got a phone call........yep, you guessed it......the meeting was changed. It's not going to be at our house!!!!!!! Oh well...the house is spic and span! (and I brought the cookies into work!)
On to better things....well maybe not better things..but different things. On the way to work I was in the car and I realized that a stink bug must have made his home on my shirt while it was hanging on the line drying on it's laundry day. Yes, my shirt STINKS! It's terrible! (ok, I only smelled it when Iwas in the warm car, closed in...but still!)
WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! It's The Biggest Loser night!!!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Progress Report
Well, I feel as if I did ok today. I did come home and immediately got onto the exercise bike and rode for about a half hour. So I at least got SOMETHING in exercise wise. I've so got to remember to ALWAYS exercise in the morning..first things. Later in the day just doesn't work for me; unless it's at the gym!
After my half hearted attempt at exercise, I brought the laundry in and then set about making dinner. Tonight was an attempt to make a knock off version of the Outback Steakhouse's Alice Springs Chicken. I think I did a pretty darn good job of it, if I do say so myself. The recipe is a keeper.
The rest of the evening, I've simply sat here and split my time between my scrapbooking and being online. I am very proud of myself. I've actually caught myself up...the year 2007 is DONE! So at least I'm working on the current year now! (well except for those things that I'm going WAY back for....but I'm talking about the current stuff)
After my half hearted attempt at exercise, I brought the laundry in and then set about making dinner. Tonight was an attempt to make a knock off version of the Outback Steakhouse's Alice Springs Chicken. I think I did a pretty darn good job of it, if I do say so myself. The recipe is a keeper.
The rest of the evening, I've simply sat here and split my time between my scrapbooking and being online. I am very proud of myself. I've actually caught myself up...the year 2007 is DONE! So at least I'm working on the current year now! (well except for those things that I'm going WAY back for....but I'm talking about the current stuff)
*^@#O Cake
On Saturday at work we were all sitting around and talking between customers. My manager mentioned the cherry angel food cake. Well, it sounded delightful. So I of course had to pick up the stuff to make it when I went to the store that afternoon. I came home from the store and set about preparing the dip, and fruits and veggies for the week. I made some more watergate salad for my huband and I made this cake. We each had a piece for dinner. It was scrumptious! SOOOOO on Sunday when I packed our lunch to carry along on our hike, I cut two pieces of cake to add to the lunch. Well, I ate a sliver (ok, ok ok...it was not a sliver, it was a normal sized piece of cake, I can't lie!) We hiked for most of the day, we thoroughly enjoyed our lunch and the cake that I had packed. We got home and we discussed and agreed on the fact that we would have dinner in about 2 hours. I decided to have a 'sliver' of cake. COME ON NOW! I planned on having a sliver of cake! I promise you, that was really and truely the plan! Yeah, it was a honkin' big piece of cake. Well, I ate that and I was getting ready to leave the kitchen when I saw tha tI hadn't covered the cake tightly. So I walked back over. And that is when I noticed that there was really only enough cake for three pieces left. So I went ahead and cut it into the three pieces. I immediately plated up two of the pieces for dinner and covered them up. But what to do with that third piece? Yep, you know it! Ahhhhh it tasted sooooo good! Just as good as the other three pieces I'd already had earlier in the day! :-) And let me tell you....piece number four for the day; the one that I had at dinner......outstandingly delightful! But that is the end of the cake. Soooooo even though it's relatively healthy....I've got to be careful.....dangerous cake for me!
Thank you to Donna for her advice to log onto fitday (where I count my calories.....in conjunction and parellel to weight watchers). I was honestly thinking about letting it slide and just chalking up the day as a loss.....even with all the hiking from yesterday. BUT after reading her comment, I did just that. I found that even with all that cake (oh yeah, and the 1/2 cup of ice cream that I had AFTER dinner and all that cake...hey it was fat free ice cream at least) that I was still about 1000 calories below what I had expended. THANK YOU HIKING!
This morning....on the scales. I was back down to 183.2. (from 182.6). I determined...this week I'm going to bust through that barrier and get myself back below that weight watchers goal so I can maintain lifetime. (for those of you who brought up the doctors note thing....my doctor thinks between 160 and180 is a good weight for me....and has already filled out the papers for me...so my weight watchers goal is set at 180 instead of 164.....I'm just having a heck of a time getting it to 180 and keeping it below there! But as I've said in previous posts. If this really is the weight for me, and I really can't get it lower (when I'm not eating whole cakes obviously) then I'll be ok with it and if I have to stop goign to weight watchers meetings, I'll be fine!
I was a bad girl this morning. The alarm went off and I didn't get up to exercise. SO consequentially, now I'm sitting here at work and thinking about having to go home and do 'something'. But I will!
Thank you to Donna for her advice to log onto fitday (where I count my calories.....in conjunction and parellel to weight watchers). I was honestly thinking about letting it slide and just chalking up the day as a loss.....even with all the hiking from yesterday. BUT after reading her comment, I did just that. I found that even with all that cake (oh yeah, and the 1/2 cup of ice cream that I had AFTER dinner and all that cake...hey it was fat free ice cream at least) that I was still about 1000 calories below what I had expended. THANK YOU HIKING!
This morning....on the scales. I was back down to 183.2. (from 182.6). I determined...this week I'm going to bust through that barrier and get myself back below that weight watchers goal so I can maintain lifetime. (for those of you who brought up the doctors note thing....my doctor thinks between 160 and180 is a good weight for me....and has already filled out the papers for me...so my weight watchers goal is set at 180 instead of 164.....I'm just having a heck of a time getting it to 180 and keeping it below there! But as I've said in previous posts. If this really is the weight for me, and I really can't get it lower (when I'm not eating whole cakes obviously) then I'll be ok with it and if I have to stop goign to weight watchers meetings, I'll be fine!
I was a bad girl this morning. The alarm went off and I didn't get up to exercise. SO consequentially, now I'm sitting here at work and thinking about having to go home and do 'something'. But I will!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
This path I walk
This morning Todd and I decided to go hiking. So we went up to the Catoctin Mountains and went hiking. Yes, the picture above is from where we hiked (as are the pictures below). We hiked for about 5 hours. There were some steep uphill segments as we climbed to summit. We enjoyed the views the top! I had packed a picnic lunch. A Turkey sandwich, carrots and dip, a clementine, some fat free chips, and a piece of Cherry Angel food cake. I also had some apples that we ate at a different overlook/vista. We ate it up at Hog Rock (no, I am not lying....it's a vista overlook..and it's called Hog Rock). It was a great day. The weather was perfect and the hiking was fantastic.
The bad part??? Uhhhhh well, thus far this evening I've been a bottomless pit! I've eaten way too much food. I"m not going to stress about it. I worked my tail end off, my body must need the food.
My weight this morning. 183.6. I just can't seem to get it down any further. What's up with this. I will say that I talked to Todd about it this morning. I let him know that very soon I would have to make a decision. At the end of this month, if my weight didn't drop I would have to either let ww go (as I'm not maintaining lifetime) or start paying weekly until I get back under. He didnt' even think about it...and said PAY. I hate to spend the money though! ARRGGHHHH Why does my body like this 180-183 zone???? I've been here for a year!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
That's my desk!
Yep, that's my desk and the firemen checkin' it out! :-)
I set the alarm to go off early in the morning this morning. But when the it went off, I just coulnd't bear to get up. I haven't taken an off day from exercise in at least a week, so I decided to make this an 'off day'. I usually do try to give myself one day of 'rest'. So I snuggled back in and tried to go back to sleep. Uhhhh not happening. I did lay there for another hour and did eventually get out of bed to get ready for work at 7. I got sidetracked a bit this morning and forgot to weigh myself until after I had eaten breakfast so I have no clue where I'm at today. Little worried though. Last night I splurged on points and ate a pumpkin muffin. This morning at work we were talking about pumpkin stuff...so what did I do. I ran home and brought muffins back for everyone...and yes, I ate one here at work also! They are so yummy!
Today is a typical Saturday. Work, home, grocery store, home, fix and clean everything that can be fixed. And that will pretty much fill up my day. Nothing exciting happening at work today. Nothing like yesterday that is. Well, I'm brain dead and totally messed up someone's transaction.......not cool....and let this be a lesson and reminder to anyone out there that reads this. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR MONEY BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE WINDOW AT THE BANK! I'm appalled at how many people just drive away and don't check it. Come on now...the teller is a HUMAN. And humans do make errors! I was taught to recount my money before driving away. Most of my customers do not do that. And some apologize for doing it. NO NO NO...I appreciate it when customers do so! (I shorted someone...as soon as they drove away I glanced at the check and realized my error...recounted my drawer to verify...and called the customer...but still if she would have counted before pulling away it would have been a much easier fix)!
I set the alarm to go off early in the morning this morning. But when the it went off, I just coulnd't bear to get up. I haven't taken an off day from exercise in at least a week, so I decided to make this an 'off day'. I usually do try to give myself one day of 'rest'. So I snuggled back in and tried to go back to sleep. Uhhhh not happening. I did lay there for another hour and did eventually get out of bed to get ready for work at 7. I got sidetracked a bit this morning and forgot to weigh myself until after I had eaten breakfast so I have no clue where I'm at today. Little worried though. Last night I splurged on points and ate a pumpkin muffin. This morning at work we were talking about pumpkin stuff...so what did I do. I ran home and brought muffins back for everyone...and yes, I ate one here at work also! They are so yummy!
Today is a typical Saturday. Work, home, grocery store, home, fix and clean everything that can be fixed. And that will pretty much fill up my day. Nothing exciting happening at work today. Nothing like yesterday that is. Well, I'm brain dead and totally messed up someone's transaction.......not cool....and let this be a lesson and reminder to anyone out there that reads this. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR MONEY BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE WINDOW AT THE BANK! I'm appalled at how many people just drive away and don't check it. Come on now...the teller is a HUMAN. And humans do make errors! I was taught to recount my money before driving away. Most of my customers do not do that. And some apologize for doing it. NO NO NO...I appreciate it when customers do so! (I shorted someone...as soon as they drove away I glanced at the check and realized my error...recounted my drawer to verify...and called the customer...but still if she would have counted before pulling away it would have been a much easier fix)!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Fire, craziness and emotions
What a day! It started out good. I got up early, rode the bike and I was feeling pretty good. I had some pretty deep thoughts while I was on the bike. I was anxious to put them down on paper, er blog. I LUCKILY wrote on a scratch paper a couple of the basic ideas to take with me to work to write my post and then I made breakfast, pumpkin pancakes. My oh my were they good. This is a new recipe for me. We've had pumpkin pancakes out at restaurants but I had never found a recipe that I really liked. I think I found it! :-) I had extra pumpkin, so I made some pumpkin muffins also. :-) Cleaned up the kitchen and came to work. And that is where the day started to go crazy! First, I got there and my computer was torn apart, every 'free' (not being used by another teller) computer was torn apart. So I sat behind the teller line for an hour while I waited for him to be done. Hey, no skin off my back, if you want to pay me to sit and do nothing, be my guest! Well, it finally got fixed and I had just logged onto my computer, my money was in my drawer and I turned on the counter heater. (Hey, I'm cold all the time!). Within a minute or two we heard this loud popping noise coming from my desk. I looked there and oh my word smoke was pouring up through the bucket, and all cracks and crevices on the counter. I pulled out the drawers and removed my money....threw it in the main vault and we called the fire department. We were reasonably sure that it was nothing other than some short or something, but procedures had to be followed. So we evacuated the building and waited. Oh my word..the brought 4 fire companies to our little electrical 'short' fire. Too funny. They started rolling the hoses down the road, some guys ran in with axes and claw thingies. It was just a hoot! Luckily, I had my camera with me! :-) (as a side note, ironically enough, less than a half hour earlier, I had been wondering out loud what I could shoot for my daily picture for the envisage project..hmmmm) Lets see...that excitement died down (well, as much as possible..the drive through was TOTALLY shut down, and on a Friday. Although they came and worked on it all afternoon...it's up and working again..and I'm the one that's sitting at the fire trap desk!). Lets see, I got money from the vault and found a $50 mixed in with the $20's. :-) Just crazy!
OK...my weight this morning.... 183.2 I was hoping that it would just drop off and be water weight. But not my luck. Oh well......it will come off! :-)
I watched another episode of The Biggest Loser Australia (season 2) this morning while on the exercise bike. They were doing a hike where at certain stops up this huge mountain, the contestants put weight into their backpacks that represented the weight they lost each week. The contestants were then able to reflect and relive their thoughts and emotions from being a 'bigger' person and whatnot. It got me to thinking.
One of the contestants started talking about how the girl that started the show was not a happy person and in her unhappiness, she was actually sabotaging her weight loss efforts. It made me look deeply. I've come to the conclusion lately that I'm not the happy bubbly person that I used to be. I know that there are a lot of issues in my life right now, personal things that are dragging me down. I don't' like it, and I've actually tried to make a real effort in the last week to not let these issues totally encompass my life and my feelings. But that said, it does make me think......is that having an effect on my weight loss?
One of the other contestants then talked about all the years of being teased and made fun of for being overweight. I've laughed and proudly told people that 'I didn't experience any of that'. And I'll admit that when someone did say something I didn't care I am who I am. I've made the comment on many occasions that if someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that is their loss and I don't want to be friends with anyone like that anyway. BUT as boldly as I say that, I have come to the realization that my weight has embarrassed me for years. And while I didn't get too much teasing and taunting (remember, I wasn't overweight until my upper teen years and adulthood) I know that especially as an adult, I let my weight define who I am and what I do. I basically put myself in a bubble. I tried to stay as un-obtrusive as possible. Don't draw attention to myself, stay hidden. It was a total defense mechanism. Those comments do hurt, even though I only experienced a few....and I tried to avoid them.....by making myself invisible.
How do you fix this? I mean, yeah, I've lost a lot of weight. A phenomenal amount of weight, but those feelings do not disappear overnight. I realized within the last week that I am still doing it. Ironically enough, it was my camera that showed me this. I was out walking on the battlefield with my husband (I do believe it was last Saturday night). I had my camera with me and I saw some re-enactors. I snapped a picture, the one guy (a re-enactor) was doing something really cute, but when he saw me taking a picture he stopped. I snapped a few more pictures...and I actually liked the pictures. Later that night I was talking to a friend and mentioned it. My friend was like, "why didn't you ask him to do it again". I stammered out a reply. I think I said something like, "that would have required me to walk across the street!" or "I don't' like posed pictures" or something like that. Both of which are true. (and honestly even looking at this objectively I wouldn't have...because of the posing thing). But it got me to thinking, because I KNEW that I wouldn't have gone over there no matter what. I'd rather lose the shoot than go over. Why? Because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I know he wouldn't have been angry...he was a re-enactor doing a living history on a battlefield for goodness sake! I knew that it was because I wanted to remain un-obtrusive and without a shadow of a doubt it was because of the weight issues in my life.
Heck, I still have problems even accepting the fact that I am no longer morbidly obese!
OK...my weight this morning.... 183.2 I was hoping that it would just drop off and be water weight. But not my luck. Oh well......it will come off! :-)
I watched another episode of The Biggest Loser Australia (season 2) this morning while on the exercise bike. They were doing a hike where at certain stops up this huge mountain, the contestants put weight into their backpacks that represented the weight they lost each week. The contestants were then able to reflect and relive their thoughts and emotions from being a 'bigger' person and whatnot. It got me to thinking.
One of the contestants started talking about how the girl that started the show was not a happy person and in her unhappiness, she was actually sabotaging her weight loss efforts. It made me look deeply. I've come to the conclusion lately that I'm not the happy bubbly person that I used to be. I know that there are a lot of issues in my life right now, personal things that are dragging me down. I don't' like it, and I've actually tried to make a real effort in the last week to not let these issues totally encompass my life and my feelings. But that said, it does make me think......is that having an effect on my weight loss?
One of the other contestants then talked about all the years of being teased and made fun of for being overweight. I've laughed and proudly told people that 'I didn't experience any of that'. And I'll admit that when someone did say something I didn't care I am who I am. I've made the comment on many occasions that if someone doesn't like me because I'm fat, then that is their loss and I don't want to be friends with anyone like that anyway. BUT as boldly as I say that, I have come to the realization that my weight has embarrassed me for years. And while I didn't get too much teasing and taunting (remember, I wasn't overweight until my upper teen years and adulthood) I know that especially as an adult, I let my weight define who I am and what I do. I basically put myself in a bubble. I tried to stay as un-obtrusive as possible. Don't draw attention to myself, stay hidden. It was a total defense mechanism. Those comments do hurt, even though I only experienced a few....and I tried to avoid them.....by making myself invisible.
How do you fix this? I mean, yeah, I've lost a lot of weight. A phenomenal amount of weight, but those feelings do not disappear overnight. I realized within the last week that I am still doing it. Ironically enough, it was my camera that showed me this. I was out walking on the battlefield with my husband (I do believe it was last Saturday night). I had my camera with me and I saw some re-enactors. I snapped a picture, the one guy (a re-enactor) was doing something really cute, but when he saw me taking a picture he stopped. I snapped a few more pictures...and I actually liked the pictures. Later that night I was talking to a friend and mentioned it. My friend was like, "why didn't you ask him to do it again". I stammered out a reply. I think I said something like, "that would have required me to walk across the street!" or "I don't' like posed pictures" or something like that. Both of which are true. (and honestly even looking at this objectively I wouldn't have...because of the posing thing). But it got me to thinking, because I KNEW that I wouldn't have gone over there no matter what. I'd rather lose the shoot than go over. Why? Because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I know he wouldn't have been angry...he was a re-enactor doing a living history on a battlefield for goodness sake! I knew that it was because I wanted to remain un-obtrusive and without a shadow of a doubt it was because of the weight issues in my life.
Heck, I still have problems even accepting the fact that I am no longer morbidly obese!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
New meal
I try to do a new recipe or new meal at least once a week. Some weeks is just doesn't happen. Other weeks it does.
This picture if of my experimental meal for the week. For lunch today we had Rosemary Chicken with Mediterranean Brown Rice. It was actually quite tasty. When I was dishing it up, I was a bit nervous....but it was really good. Todd loved it!
I've done really well eating wise today. Point wise I actually have a few points left. According to fitday, I'm at 1335 calories for the day. I also did ride the bike for 45 this morning so I feel as if I'm on track for the day!
Bummer
Well , what can I say. I'm a little sore this morning. I'm sure that once I actually get myself up and moving that I"ll be fine though. I haven't exercised this morning yet. I decided to let myself work some kinks out first.
My weight. I was excited and anxious to step on the scales this morning. I mean, I worked like a dog yesterday. ON fitday.com I have it set up that my base metabolic burn is for a sedentary lifestyle. I figure, lets make it as hard as possible. But then I add in activity. I usually don't add in cooking and general stuff like that unless it's something I do for over 2 hours (like my day canning, etc) They say I burn about 1900 calories a day with a sedentary lifestyle. Well, I added in the digging......and the bike ride....and they say that I burned up near 3500 calories yesterday. I will say that I did eat 5 extra ww points yesterday. I also entered in my food intake into fitday, just for comparisons sake. I ate 1600 calories (actually a few over, but I can't remember the exact off the top of my head). SO my comparison was really good!
So I got on the scales........... 6/10ths of a pound up! Isn't that a hoot? I have no clue what my body is doing! Oh well, I'm just along for the ride. The only thing I can do is stay strong in my motivation and willpower!
I will say that I drank a good deal of water yesterday. I had drained my 64 ounce mug in the morning (well, all except for a little ice that was left). I had drained it a second time by dinner (including the ice that was now melted). I had a 16 oz glass of water while I made dinner and one while I ate dinner. I did drink a diet drink last night while I was on the computer. SO I would think that it SHOULDN'T be a water issue. But what else can it be????
My weight. I was excited and anxious to step on the scales this morning. I mean, I worked like a dog yesterday. ON fitday.com I have it set up that my base metabolic burn is for a sedentary lifestyle. I figure, lets make it as hard as possible. But then I add in activity. I usually don't add in cooking and general stuff like that unless it's something I do for over 2 hours (like my day canning, etc) They say I burn about 1900 calories a day with a sedentary lifestyle. Well, I added in the digging......and the bike ride....and they say that I burned up near 3500 calories yesterday. I will say that I did eat 5 extra ww points yesterday. I also entered in my food intake into fitday, just for comparisons sake. I ate 1600 calories (actually a few over, but I can't remember the exact off the top of my head). SO my comparison was really good!
So I got on the scales........... 6/10ths of a pound up! Isn't that a hoot? I have no clue what my body is doing! Oh well, I'm just along for the ride. The only thing I can do is stay strong in my motivation and willpower!
I will say that I drank a good deal of water yesterday. I had drained my 64 ounce mug in the morning (well, all except for a little ice that was left). I had drained it a second time by dinner (including the ice that was now melted). I had a 16 oz glass of water while I made dinner and one while I ate dinner. I did drink a diet drink last night while I was on the computer. SO I would think that it SHOULDN'T be a water issue. But what else can it be????
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Hard day of work
Well, I could have used this old tractor today! That's for sure. (yes, the tractor actually does still work, but it's not mine!) I had a busy and very productive day. This morning I went over to the farm to deadhead flowers. We've been saving seeds on everything we can every year. Number one it is interesting to see how the colors change a little more each year. Each year it seems as if we get a new color that we didn't have the year before. Just intriguing! Secondly, in the case of the zinnias (which is what I cut and put in the drying racks this morning) the original seeds were given to us in a garden basket gift that someone gave us for our wedding. These are our wedding zinnias. I can't let that seed stock die off now can I? (sentimental I know). After the flower/seed expedition, we came back over here to the house and got to work. I decided to dig up the garden for next year. We moved this past spring and kept the garden at the old place as it had been re-tilled and fertilized before covering it with straw for the winter. The ground was ready and waiting. (Not to mention that we didn't have time to do our garden over here.) I decided that I was going to tackle the garden area today. Get the soil turned, so I can pull out the tiller and till that ground up. That way we will be able to spread fertilizer and our summers worth of compost and get that ground ready and fertile for spring planting! SO that is exactly what I did. I laid out our garden, (paths and walkways are measured exactly to fit the riding lawn mower through! ) and I got to digging. HOURS upon HOURS later, and I was done! WOO HOOOO. Next week I'll work on the tilling!
I do believe that my husband thinks I'm crazy though. After all that digging, I came inside and rode the exercise bike. You see, my upper body was exhausted, but my lower body, while active really wasn't worn out. Soooo I fixed that. I was beat after the exercise bike. FINALLY I showered and then I was off to the kitchen to make dinner. I had my main meal at lunchtime, burritos. They are supper yummy and extremely easy to make! Todd had worked outside all day also, and I wanted to treat him to something special for dinner. SO I baked some fish for him and made some homemade biscuits and that is what he had (plus peas and watermelon). Since I don't eat fish, my plate was full of veggies. All kinds; green beans, cooked carrots, sauerkraut and peas! Watermelon for dessert....oh yes, and I had the last of the strawberries! What a yummy meal!
My weight this morning was up to 183.0. I wasn't totally surprised. I had a good bit of pasta last night and I know that sometimes affects my daily weight. :-) Anxious to see tomorrow. I mean, I can't imagine that it will not be good after eating well today and all the activity!
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