fessin' up

Weigh in. DO I really have to 'fess up"? I don't wanna!!!! Please don't make me! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok, I stand humbled, contrite and ready to admit my ~gulp~ gain. Yes, I gained. I believe I had mentioned that fact yesterday. I knew I was going to gain. I also knew it wasn't going to be too pretty. I was hoping for only a 2 pound gain. WELL... ..... Ok, at least when I do things ...I do them big! I gained 4 pounds this last week! 4 pounds! FOUR STINKIN' POUNDS! This is NOT good. What is happenign to me. I can hold it together for a week or two...bring my number down..and then BAMM...I lose control! This has GOT to stop! First, I'll never make it to my goal if it doesn't. Secondly, I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. Depressed at my 'results'. I just can't take it any longer! SOMETHING has to give. ANd I"m NOT giving up on my goal. I've made it further than I had ever dreamt of making it...I'm not giving up now!

Today I am hoping for sunshine.....or at least no rain. I have plans to work outside. Ok, I WANT to work outside! I want to work on painting the house. I want to finish the one pile of cut stuff...by chipping the rest of it. Either of those activities could take up a whole complete day. Our lawn also desperately needs mowed. It's been so rainy that the grass just pops up so fast and so high!

I'm also going to kick myself into working out religiously again. I haven't been doing well at all. That needs to change! I may not start today....depends on how much work I get done outside. I know that if I work outside for most of the day..that I'll be dead beat when I come in tonight. AND, it is all manual labor......so Ill be moving the whole time...which is activity points...since I don't normally do that stuff. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it really is all contingent on the weather!

Can words even describe this entry?

Weights up. What else can I say about it. Oh, you want to know my reaction to the 'up'? Disgusted, depressed, sick at heart; just to name a few. I am still goign to my meeting tonight. And yes, I'm going to weigh in and face my knocks. The knocks will be particularly bad....i ate at The Waffle House this morning....eii yiii yiii. Oh well......such is life. I so want to get the weight off.......arrggghh

Well...now that I have ranted about that...lets just have a blast and say that life sucks! A while back I made a very important decision. One that had the potential to impact our lives greatly either. Either choice I made was going to have it's positives....but each choice would come with it's corresponding negative. Well, just yesterday I was put into the position of being told that it was a good possibility that the one major negative was being removed...and that it would all be positive. I had my hopes up...I was excited. Then today....dashed. My hopes trampled....crumbled to the ground. And yeah...I'm feeling a bit down about it.

Heck...when is life going to stop kicking me! I was just getting out of a little 'blue' period that I was in for the last few days...and now this. DRAT!

Poor Todd...he's been sick about two weeks now. Can't seem to shake whatever he has.

The past couple weeks have been very intersting. I've struggled with my diet...but I've also come a long ways in some thinking that I think is critical. I realize that due to circumstances and situations that are way beyond my control....my self confidence had been shattered. I felt not attractive. This is due mainly to one person...and one persons actions. I've let that one person skew how I feel about myself. Well....within the last three or four weeks I've had a few different things happen to remind me and let me know that this thinking is totally unfounded. One was the 'hot' letter that I was given by a customer here at work. Some of the others situations and occurances I'm going to leave unsaid. But, I can see a remarkable difference in how I think about myself. Thinking about my choice of clothes that I bought yesterday...I bought totally with that new feeling or confidence in mind. No, the clothes I bought are not hoochie mamma clothes. But they are 'out of the box' for me. I mean...me, MaryFran wearing a shoe that has a 3 inch heel...and enjoying it????? (once again...no, not hoochie mamma...yeah, it's a 3 inch heel...but tis a casual shoe, if that makes sense...it's a wedge heel...more casual) I've always been known as the 'comfort' clothing girl! I'm wearing two of my new items...and I feel spectacular in them. Sexy...confident......good about myself.....ready to face the world again. The only thing that scares me.......the situation that has made me feel inferior in the past is still one that is in my life. It's on the fringes....it's there, ready to raise it's ugly head and strike...dragging me down.

So far so good today. I had toast for breakfast. 1 point for two pieces of toast, smart beat zero point butter spread and a little cinanmon sugar.....we'll call it 2 points and call it a day! For lunch I packed (and ate...without nibbling on any of the plethera of food sitting in the breakroom here at work) a white chocolate cheesecake yogurt, green beans, sauerkraut (hey...it's a zero point food that I actually like...that and green beans.....staples in my life), grapes and to top it off a 1 point, 100 cal pack of the chocolate hostess cakes! YUMMY! That means I've used up a whopping 5 points for today. That gives me 18 points for dinner! No...I'll probably not use 18 points for dinner. BUT, i'll probably use 12 or 13...that's what I usually end up using. :-)

Water consumption today....I'm drinking...and I'm peeing. Which tells me taht I was dehydrated. Oh well...I'll get it straightened out soon enough. Simply by continuing to chug my water (ok, I sip it throughout the day).

3pm...that's the magical time when I get off work today. Woudln't you know...as soon as I start a project outdoors that I'm just DYING to get done....it starts raining...and doesn't seem to want to let up! We've had inch after inch of rain this past week! And still coming down! The project....painting the outside of the house. Oh my word, it's multi colored right now. Part the old color...part the messy looking first coat of the new color. Part of the trim is done, part isn't. The whole place is just a hodgepodge of differing colors. Oh well...we'll get it done eventually. The sun will have to come out sooner or later! :-) The other thing with the rain...I want to be out jogging or riding my bike...and I'm stuck inside. I need to get my butt back into the exercise videos...and back onto my indoor exercise bike. There should be no excuse! Meanwhile....Todd doesn't want to drop the gym...but with gas prices what they are...eii yiii yiiii And since we aren't goign to town as much...because of the gas prices...that hurts our time at the gym. SOOOO it's a double edge sword. What to do..what to do. I talked to him about putting the gym on hold through the summer months when we are busy working outside. I may revisit that with him tonight. We'll have to see. Right now it just strikes me as a waste of money!

Where in the world has April gone? It's almost over! That is just hard to fathom! It seems as if just yesterday it was the beginning of the month...heck, the beginning of the year. Eii yiii yiii...will the rest of the year fly by this fast. :-)

Eat eat eat our sorrows away

Well...this week has been plain and clear emotional eating. I've been a bit down....and I've eaten my fair shair of food trying to drown my sorrows....and bring up my spirits. Didn't work. Well. I was happy with the abundance of food....but did it really make my world start spinning correctly again? Nope! BUt oh wow....I had cocoa and toast...I haven't had that in AGES. I did eat half the amount that I I previously would have eaten......and I used weight watcher / high fiber-low calorie bread so that saved me some points at least. SO at lesat I did better than I would have in my 'past life'.

Hmmm..that's an interesting concept...my present life...and my past life. That is how I need to think about it. My past life is the attitude of not caring...my present life is me trying to live a more healthy balanced life. The problem...the past life really wants to encroach upon the present life so much. It's so easy to forget myself and slip back into the past life. It's always there...ready and waiting to rear it's ugly head. And the problem....the past life is strong. Once it gets a little grip on me...it's hard to shake. It's terrible.....it's all consuming...and with only one bite it's here and strong. Sometimes it is a clear and concious decision to allow the old me back to the front. However, many times it's on a subconcious level that it happens. It has happend at restaurants when I'm feeling rushed by a waitress...my mind just goes straight to the 'old comfortable standbys'. Sometimes I just eat without thinking. However there are times when I plan in my head..but something takes over and I do the exact opposite! This happened once at a restaurant. Todd and I sat talkign about the bread and how we were glad that the waitress hadn't brought bread. Well...she came and I was like, "Can we have some bread with our meal" WHAT? Where did that come from? Todd sat slack jawed. :-) It just come from somewhere...and I don't know where! So it rears it's ungly head at some of the most unexpected times.

Today, I went shopping. I guess another mis-guided attempt to 'drown my worries and sorrows" . OK, OK, OK, I only went to the mall to get my free pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret. And my $15 off an Angel Bra. BUT, I ended up spending a huge chunk of change. Granted, I got a lot of clothing and accesories for what I spent. I bought some things on sale that will be used next winter.....I got them a bit tighter for that reason. I also bought some things for this summer....since of course last years things are a bit loose on me. I got my first ever 'little black dress' I found a really cool little short capped sleeve bolero style shrug jacket thingy. I bought some high heeled black and white sandals to wear with the dress. I'll be able to wear the dress to work...but also for something more fancy should the need arise. It's pretty flexible that way. I also bought a new jean skirt. I can still wear the ones from last year. They are all too big...but they dont' look badly. That is the great thing about skirts...they seem to hold longer in the losign weight game. BUT, I bought one today ($5) that is a 12....so it is a perfect fit right now. It's a bit shorter than anything that I normally have worn. I was talking to mom...I don't know what my style is. As a 'fat' girl, I bought anything that looked decent on my body. I didn't care about style...I cared about how I looked. I dressed very carefully...trying to mask my weight. I still have to be careful because of my pouchy belly....but I'm experimenting and trying to find me. I know that I wear a heck of lot more pink now. I used to wear NO pink...now I love pink! Go figure. I noticed a difference in the shoes that I bought today. I was more wiling to put on a heeled shoe. And I got the most adorable chunky pink shoes! I would never have gone with a shoe like that! IT just wasn't me! But waht is me?????? I aim to find out!

SOoooooo maybe it was good that I Shopped a bit today. Focused me. It truely is easier to shop as a thin person. First there are more shops to chose from...but the sales seem better also for regular clothes! So now I have some clothes that I can't really even attractively wear until I lose a few more pounds! Focus focus focus!

I want so badly to get the rest of this weight off! I'm vowing here and now that I am going to work my tail end off to get that goal also! First and least important...I'm tired of paying money for weight watchers. BUT, secondly, this sitting on the fence is just wreaking havoc with my emotions. I need to either stop and be happy at this weight and work on maintaining...or I need to just do it. I KNOW I can lose weight. I KNOW...and Ithink that if I gave up and said that 185 was the weight that I was goign to be happy with...would eventually make me feel like a failure...I'm not there yet. I want to get there. And quite honestly, 185 may end up being the weight that my body is the healthiest at. But I have to go lower to make sure! I know that I still have fat on my body...so I seriously doubt aht 185 is the weight for me. BUT, I'm not adverse to dropping down really low...and then having to gain a few pounds back to my optimum weight. But I have to find out for myself what is my optimum weight.

In essence, I guess I have to finish this...so I don't feel like a failure. Even though I've lost 125 pounds..and that's considered a HUGE success for anyone...I still haven't finished what I started. And as I've quoted before.....actually Bob Harper...and I'll paraphrase...." WHy start something you are not goign to finish" :-)

Good days...sunshine

Yesterday morning I was out in the yard by 9 (it was probably closer to 8:30). I ran the chipper shredder for a couple hours. Seems like the third one is working ok. Still doesnt' chip as fantastically as the first one that we had...but it's not bad. :-) After I chipped for a while, I went inside and made tacos for us for lunch. I went ahead and did taht...it was a quick lunch (and I knew my time at dinner would be even more limited). After eating and cleaning up, I went back outside. I switched to painting. I painted until about 4:30/5PM. Got a good bit done. I went inside and cleaned up, ate a banana and headed out to come to the bank to meet my co-workers. We drove together over to the main branch for this meeting we had to attend. We were there for about an hour and half. After I got back to my car...i swung into the ice cream place to get frozen yogurt (fat free) for Todd and I..and headed home. I was BEAT!

I got a good deal of sun yesterday. Last night at my meeting I was a 'rosy pink' tone. This morning though....simply tan. :-) Not good I know, to let youself even get pink. Believe me...that wasn't in my plan. :-) I was just out working and that's what happened.

The worst thing about yesterday.....my back. Eii yii yiii. I've always had some issues with my back. Lower back, being tender when I use it or twist the wrong way...or whatever. It's only gone totally 'out' once. BUT it gets pretty darn close every once in a while. This morning I could barely move. I've worked out most of it...but know that sitting here at work today will aggrevate it. :-) y legs are a bit sore also..b.ut that's just a plain muscles. The legs.....they hurt from climbing up and down the ladder...and standing on tip toe on the ladder trying to reach further...etc etc etc.

Depending on how I feel when i get off tonight, I may paint a bit more this evenign...and then have a late dinner. :-) But, of course I may just take it easy tonight. Ahhhh decisions decisions decisions.

The sucky part. I worked all day yesterday...i should have showed a loss on the scales. Nope...up a pound. I'm not sure.....hoping it may be water. I did drink about a gallon of water yesterday...but I do know that I was so hot...that I was actually thirsty...which is a sign of dehydration...which means I'd be retaining water. BUT, I lost track of time and worked outside later than I had planned....which means that I SNACKED and scrounged for my dinner. SOOOOO either way....I was up. OH well...it will come back off. :-)

That said, today I have eaten responsibly and well. I have my day planned out...my fruits and veggies will be done when i go to bed. All will be good. :-) Water...I'm running behind on my water. But I'm going to work on sucking that up here at work. (speaking of drinks....I just took a break to take a big drink of my water).

Put on a skirt this morning and noticed that it is loose. WOO HOOOO

Wednesday

Well....I'm holding steady.... 183.6 this morning. I'm not worried aboutthe .2 of a pound. I'm just tickled to be holding steady. :-)

Today should be a good day for me.....activity wise. The plan is for me this morning to run the chipper. When I need a break, I'm going to continue painting the house! (white with red trim.........I'm just attacking it 10-20 feet at a time...yeah, it will look crazy half painted...but it will get done eventually). SO I'll be working all day.....at least that's the plan. I do also want to formally get some mileage in today...either a jog or a ride. :-)

Speaking of riding. I need to do a 'trial run' to the bank.....to see exactly how long it takes me to ride my bike to work. This road is more hilly.....and a bit longer ...with no shoulders when compared to the road I took last year. Yeah, it's probably overkill..but I'd just feel more comfortable with biking to work if I had already done a 'test' run. :-)

Since I'm planning on doing a lot of manual labor today...I had an egg sandwich (two slices of low cal/high fiber bread, one egg and one piece of fat free cheese......3 points). I wanted to make sure that I got some protein thsi morning. :-) We are not sure what we are doign for eating today. We may break and go to lunch. HOwever, we may go for an early dinner at like 4. BUT then again...we may eat at home. I do have a mandatory meeting at the main branch for my job....at 6:15. That will be an hour. They are going to have pizza for us. I plan on declining....If I"m going to eat pizza...I want it to be GOOD pizza. :-) And honestly, I'd enjoy it more in the company of my husband. :-) BUT for me to decline, I have to have either already eaten....or know EXACTLY what I'm eating afterwards. It's all in planning.....preparing mentally for the temptation.

Weekly Official Report

Went to a weight watcher meeting last night. I only showed a loss of .8 pounds. I shouldn't say only...becuase a loss is a loss. This puts me at 183.6. For the first time in AGES, the weight watchers scales actually weighed me .4 pounds higher than my home weight. NORMALLY, the weight watchers scales peg me at about a pound less than my home weight...so that is what is disappointing. Ahh well. Like I said...a loss is a loss.

The other thing....I'm losing weight that I have already lost. That is getting old. I'm actually at the same weight right now...that I was at last November! I'm also about 4 pounds from my lowest ever weight. At least I'm no longer 10 pounds above that low weight...but still....I"m higher! The weird thing...my clothes are fitting looser than they fit last November! My Levi Jeans are postively loose on me.....as in I can take them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I'm always yanking them up when I wear them. :-) I'm sure that looks a site.

I should be doing something productive here around the house. I have painting to do (the back porch...the wood is a bit water logged so I couldn't paint that...but the alum siding I could be working on) ...the kitchen floor is in desparate need of a mopping. The house needs vacumned. I could scrub out the toilets and be ahead of the game for my weekly Wednesday cleaning. BUT, here I sit on my computer. Being a total bum! We did go to town this morning to get the two pieces of wood to finish up the back porch deck (nope...I claim no responsibility for miscalculating when we bought....personally I think they didn't send the right number...tee hee hee) We had to get another box of screws. I got another honeysuckle plant/bush for the yard. WEEEEE I love honeysuckle! I ran into Martins to get milk...and we ran into Sam's to get a big bag of chicken. (todd uses it for fajitas and his lunches). Exciting stuff I know!

Speaking of yummy smelling honeysuckle. The lilac's are coming! They smell SOOOO good! I can't wait till they are actually fully out so I can put some in the house. I only wish that they woudl last longer than they do. It seems as if lilac's are out for just a day or two before they are gone for another year. Oh well.

I also need to get a little mileage in. My weekly minimum is 25 miles. I've got in 24.61 miles. SO pretty much anything would suffice. I'll probably aim for my normal 25-30 minute ride tonight though. Maybe I'll jog a bit when I get home. Even my 2 mile jog would get me there!

Surprise

I haven't weighed myself since last Tuesday morning. I've just stayed away. I know that I said taht i was goign to 'ignore the scales so that I wouldn't obsess. BUT, I'll be the first to admit that I ignored the scales mainly because of the fact that while I felt as if while I haven't been way off base...I haven't been all that great in my eating. NOr have I been exercising because of the sinus thing. But I wanted to know how bad it was. So this morning I stepped on. I about fell right back off the scales. 183.2! WOO HOOOO! I couldn't remember what my 'home' weight was last Tuesday. So I just went back and reread last weeks Tuesday entry....it didn't give the exact weight (probably because I couldn't remember the fraction of the pound when i went to write my entry) but it did say slightly over 185. That's 2 pounds! Hot diggity dog diggity!

Sucks though. I had about two days of my sinus' not draining. I woke up this morning and they are draining big time again. No pressure...no congestion. Just that miserable draining! I guess I shouldn't complain...because the draining is just annoying....nothing like having the whole shebang happening.

I was talking to a friend last night. We were talking about eating and my issues with food. When I stated my reasons out loud again for why I wanted to lose weight in the first place, it really hit home. My bad eating was goign to kill me. Plain and simple. I also admitted that I'm just really scared about gaining the weight back. I mean, I slipped and gained back 10 pounds in the last few months.....ouch!

Meanwhile, I need to buckle down. Power through this and just get this weight off! Stop dilly dallying around with my time. Why am I sitting on the fence post with my weight. I either need to be doing it....or not doing it. None of this 'kinda sorta' stuff. I just need to say, I'm doing it. Focus all my energy and attention on the weight loss and run with it!

Well...I have my minimum of 25 miles each week as my goal. I'm running my week from Wednesday through the following Tuesday. (basically to match my weight watchers week...just to keep things simple). I woke up yesterday morning.....with NO miles logged for the week. I am proud to say that at the end of the day I have logged 17.3 miles. That means if I ride for 30 minutes today and thirty tomorrow, that I'll reach my goal for the week. Nope..I don't like to squeeze it all into three days. But it's better than nothing! :-) Exercise wise...I need to get back into the videos. I do feel as if they are a good thing for me. I know that I need to start working with some weights...and sculpting a bit. :-)

Yesterday morning woke up early.....to the sound of the wind ripping and the rain pouring down on the house. It alternately poured and drizzled all day. Utterly miserable. Well, I wasn't miserable..I stayed safely esconced in my house...all nice and dry! :-) We got over 3 inches of rain yesterday. SOOOOO I was hoping to see the sun......nope, it was drizzling when I woke up and left the house...but we've already had a downpour since I've been here at work....and now it's just raining steadily! ARRGGHHHHHH I had wanted to get outside and continue painting the outside of the house (I started on Saturday. I figure that instead of waiting for an unobstructed day to paint...I can chip away and do a bit here and a bit there over the next few weeks and then it will be done)...but it doesn't look as if that will be happening today. Hopefully though it will dry out by Wednesday so that Todd and I can get out with our new chipper and work on the piles of wood. :-) Not to mentiont to test the chipper to see if it works! The third time is hopefully the charm on this one! :-)

more of the same

Yes, it's more of the same. I haven't been utterly 'bad' but I haven't been exactly good either. I had been struggling with some sinus pressure and the headache to match for a few days. On Wednesday I woke up and felt miserable....congested...hoarse.....sore throat. Actually I felt pretty bad on Tuesday. In fact, I almost didn't go to my meeting on Tuesday night because of it. Sooooo consequentially, I didn't ride the bike on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. On Saturday I was starting to feel better..but life was just kickin' up a storm. I did get off my butt and ride fo 25 minutes today. 6 miles....that's what I did. My minimum is 25 miles a week....I have until Tuesday to get my 25 miles. I've got 19 miles to go! eii yii yiii. Maybe I can get another ride in later today. If I watch the next episode of The biggest Loser Australia....it should be an hour long episode (45-50 minutes) which usually nets me about 10-13 miles. That will put me back into spitting distance of at least reaching my goal for this week. If I average out my mileage for each week....I'm well ahead of my goal (at the end of last week I had 103.24 miles....and to be on track I only needed to have 50...so I'm good) BUT I don't want to have that carry me...that's cheating!

I haven't been on the scales since Tuesday morning. I'm a bit afraid. I know I need to do it.

Stressful week. On Thursday night, we went to flip on the heat at about 11PM. Just to take the chill off the house. Well, I'm reasonably sure that we shouldn't see a flash coming from the furnace nor smell a pretty bad burning smell. We quickly turned it off...and actually flipped the breaker to be sure. Todd ran over and got a space heater from the old apartment and we went to bed. Not much you can do in the middle of the night...and as it wasn't freezing we were ok. In the morning we called a repair place to come in. They came....told us it was shot to hell. They qoated a price to get a new electric furnace....4,900 dollars. Or we could go 5,500 and get a heat pump..more effiencent. Well, we definitely wanted the heat pump......in the long run it would save us money. Well, I was reeling from the price when I went to work. Well, when Sam, the teller supervisor heard that, she immediately called her husband and asked him what he would charge us. He quoted us a price of 2500. That is parts and labor. I have talked to him and he seems knowledgable...and I know he loves what he does...it's obvious from talking to him. So I gave the go ahead. :-) He came over Friday night to double check what he would need. ANd he was here Saturday morning to install it. We are not happy that we had to chunk out ANY money...but we are happy that we got a new heating/air system. Ironically enough, we are enthralled with our new thermostat! :-) We don't have to flip between heat and air...it automatically switches when it gets to certain temps (with a gap between the two of course). That's pretty cool. Especially since for the last week or so, we have to run the air in the day...and the heat at night! No more forgetting to turn on the heat at night and waking up freezing! WOO HOOO> We thought we had it good just to have central heat and air...this is ten times better. And to remember and think about the fact that 2 months ago we were in a place that was heated with SPACE heaters!

Acceptance

I really do feel that this acceptance of myself is a huge part of what may be holding me back. I totally haven't accepted myself as a 'thinner' person. In my mind I'm still a fat girl. I've always said that I'll probably always be a fat girl in my mind. BUT, thinking about it...I've got to do whatever I can to see myself as a normal girl...a little chunky still...but a normal weight. I didn't start to lose the weight until I accepted myself for me. I do feel that my success was and is largely contingent on the fact that I said, "woah, I like myself...even though I'm fat, I really like myself" And while they say that's the key...I'm really starting to feel taht I've changed so much physically.....that I need to really sit down and accept myself again. Yeah, I really like me....but instead of saying "woah, I like myself, even though I'm fat" is no longer relavent. I need to actually sit down and accept the fact that I'm considered 'normal' now. I need to accept my body at this new stage.

I guess I should talk more about my not so secret admirer to explain something. The note that I got was totally out of the blue and yes, a bit weird to get in a professional setting. BUT, talking more about my emotions. Number one when I read it I was in total shock. I laughed! Me...this couldn't be happening to me! I'm a fat girl! NO Way! Fat girls don't get these kinds of letters. Fat girls don't get cat calls/whistles. So why in the world was I getting this note! Shock...plain and simple. Yeah, after I thought about it I started to feel really good about it all. But it does show that I haven't accepted my body at all.

I will also say that a while back, I was crossing the street and got a whistle from a trucker. Yeah, it's a trucker... (no offense to truckers) and I about stumbled and fell because it shocked me so dang much. I don't get whistles!

And that's what needs to change. Apparently I have people that do admire my looks. Yeah, my husband and parents tell me...but do they really count? They love me. And meanwhile, I need to accept myself for what I am now. Thank the good Lord for the note to give me something concrete to really help me realize that I truly have changed.

I haven't been on the scales for a few days. This morning it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales. I weighed in at a little over 185. That is down from my high the other day of 189.4 I'll see what my official weigh in is tonight. But I'm confident taht I can keep the scales sliding downward.

WOAH.....you know.....when I first started to lose weight...way back when (120 pounds ago) My goal was to get to roughly 200 pounds. That was my goal. I had said if I could get under 200 pounds I'd be estatic. I never even dreamed of making it into the 170's.....In fact, I thought getting under 200 was a pipe dream. My 'realistic' goal was 220. Going along with the acceptance of myself...I've got to accept the fact that I made that original goal...and create a new goal for myself. Even though once I started losing weight I adjusted my goal downward into the healthy weight range, in my head, I've already far surpassed my original goal. No wonder I've been floundering!

I alway said that I didn't start losing weight until I accepted myself for myself and said. You know, I'm overweight. I'm goign to accept the fact thaI did this to myself. I dont' have to like it but I accept it. I accept the extra rolls of fat around my stomach. Yes, I'm going to try to change...but I accept it. Maybe I need to accept the fact that I'm no longer morbidly obese. I still think of myself in terms of being 300 plus pounds. I have my admirer that comes through the drive through here at work. (I think I told you about that, a customer~he's about 8 years older than I~ gave me a note that said, I think you are so hot). But in my mind I'm still thinking, how can he think someone that weighs what I do is hot. I'm a tub of lard. Could this be part of the reason i'm not losing....is it a mental block...I've got to accept myself for what I am NOW.....hmmmm food for thought. (ohhhhhh bad pun!)

I was amazed at myself yesterday. Mom and I drove to this fabulous kitchen shoppe (gadgets and gizmo's galore, a perfect heaven for someone that loves that type of thing....my word, we were giddy with it all). She hadn't had lunch so when I stopped to get a drink at Wendy's (I had already downed my 64 ounces of water...so I splurged and drank a diet coke. Yep that's my splurge) she got a small fry. (made me made, she's trying to lose, she's diabetic. Shall I continue??) Anyway, she offered me some. I had two. And then I was like, "They really don't taste all that great", so I stopped. I'll admit, I "wanted" more. But I realized that I didn't really like them and was able to stop.

Am I on a see-saw???

If I even have one bite extra it seems as if my weight skyrockets! I was down...now I'm back up after having a little snitch yesterday.....one that I tried to eradicate by riding the exercise bike extra yesterday......as in I rode 25.3 miles yesterday!!!! Am I just doomed? NO.....I've got to get rid of that mentality! I will do this!!!!!

Here is something that I found on a journal online. It is from a lady that lost a lot of weight...fast 145 pounds in 14 months. And she gained it all back....relatively fast also. Now she is slowly losing. Happy to be losing slowly and here is something that she wrote....an idea she has on this weight loss thing....sounds like it may fit.
I may not have this weight loss thing figured out yet, but there is one thing I have learned for sure. Losing weight fast may look good momentarily, but unless I'm willing to eat that way for the rest of my life.....it will not stay off. I lost 145 pounds in about 14 months....that's very quick. It was quick because I was never happy with a small loss, so I kept cutting foods out of my diet to keep the scale moving down quickly. In the beginning, when I was following the WW program, I was eating everything and I was losing. But the minute those losses slowed down to a slower (and very normal!) pace, I would panic and stop eating some other food group. When I tried to add foods such as bread, cereal, potatoes, pizza, etc, back into my diet....not only did I start craving it from eliminating them all for a year and a half, but the weight starting piling back on twice as fast as I lost it. I would eat a sandwich and chips, and gain five pounds back.....it was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from, and it left me dazed when it was over, hating myself......and searching for answers.

That does sound very true. I've limited myself greatly over the last few. I've never elminated though. BUT, once I eat something that I've limited greatly...oh my word...I crave it sooooo bad! AND yes.....the weight comes back really quickly! Will my body ever regulate????

Well....I was doing it. My weight was at 189.4 at my highest (or right around there...I'm at work and don't have my 'book' with me to verify. On Monday my weight was at 186.4. I was so proud of myself. And then Tuesday morning.....189.something. ACK! That is enough to make me ill! I do think some of it was water retention. Yesterday we were working outside and I was running to the bathroom literally once every half hour. So I know I was getting rid of water. I didn't weigh myself this morning....so i dont' know where I'm at.

I will say though...that I'm sure it wasn't all water. I did a little baking on Monday night...and it's quite possible that I had a little bit of cookie dough. Oh yes, and maybe a bite or two of biscotti dough. Well.....and mabye a lick of cake batter.

Exercise wise...I got my mileage in for last week.......more than my goal of 25 miles per day! Riding on Sunday morning for 11.3 miles helped kick that into gear. Actually, I got some mileage in each day....making 5 miles or more each day. Woo hooo!

Well...yesterday we went to use our new chipper and mower. The mower. What took me 3-4 hours last year with the push mower took me exactly 35 minutes with the riding lawn mower! WOO HOOOO! The chipper.... It works like a charm. Or should I say it worked like a charm....until the starter broke (like the third time we went to use it....but we got two hours of work in with it before that happened). Now we are back to 'fighting' with Lowes. It shouldn't be a fight... Well...it started wtih the fact that we actually have delivery coming today. Well, when we called to talk to them about an exchange.. (nope..I don't want that bad boy repaired...it broke the first day we used it...I want an exchange)...anyway,they checked and promised delivery today. Well this morning they called and told us that. Number one, the chipper isn't coming...they dont' have any (AGAIN....this sounds familiar!) and by the way...you aren't getting a delivery today..the only delivery going to Sharpsburg is goign to Darlene Churchey. We politely told them (again...we told them in the store) taht Darlene Churchey is the person that had the number BEFORE us. (Ironically enough, Darlene was a good friend of Todd's grandmother....and she goes to our church....what a coincidence). They then told us that 'oh well..we can't change it now....it's already being delivered. OHHHH NO! I was already at work when Todd relayed this information to me. So I got on the horn and called Lowes.....asked to go to a supervisor immediately. I told her that my frustration level is reaching peak proportions. I told what happened last week and how we had planned to one day to be home for the delivery...but they messed it up so we had to wait and take more time off work (Todd wasn't able to go to the studio...had to cancel a session) for them to fix their mistake last week. AND then this week the same thing! The supervisor apologized and was like, "no, we'll find one at a different store and try to get it to you today." Well, they got the drivers of the truck to bring back the mistaken delivery to our place. And the delivery guys told todd that they didn't have the chipper...and they dont' know much about it...except that we will be getting it today. What a mess! I hate to have to pull the supervisor bit...but that seems to be the only way we can get anything done! I'm fed up with Lowes! BUT, the good thing. I have to admit, I called Todd's idea to get a chipper and make our own mulch a hairbrained idea. I was totally skeptical. Well...turns out (when the chipper is working) it is a wonderful idea. This thing turns these 3 inch in diameter (and long...some up to 10 feet long) branches into this fine chips....we have started a mulch pile off to the side. So the boy came up with a good one! Nope...don't brag him up too much when you see him....he will be too difficult to live with!

Hopefully Dad won't have problems with his new mower that he got from Lowes. I've told him that if he gets it put together on Friday...that on Saturday or Sunday I'll mosey into town and mow the restaurant, their house and my grandmothers yard. It shouldn't take long for those little postage stamp sized yards....even with push mowing...tee hee hee. (and good exercise).

As forementioned, I'm back at work after having a few days off to celebrate our anniversary. HOPEFULLY, the chipper will be there when I get off work at 2....so we can work out in the yard a bit. Well, if the rain holds off. It's a 20% chance today (10% chance this afternoon) So the odds are with us...but this every day being dreary and overcast makes you wonder. The rain better hold off...I was outside this morning in 45 degree temps (it's supposed to get to 60 today) hanging clothes on the line!

Feeling much better

Things just kept going catawumpus belly up for me. I could get no control. Friday morning however, I woke up and got on the scales. 189.4!!!! EEECCCCHHHH I kept a tenuous hold on my eating all day Friday. And thus far today, Saturday, I've been able to keep a loose grip on my eating. It's rough. I just want to eat eat eat! BUT I'm not doing it. I refuse to go backwards any longer! I've been exercising......getting in my miles for my challenge. TOday I went out and jogged for 2 miles. I'm planning on getting on the exercise bike to bring myself up t0 5 miles for today...but hoping for at least 7 for today.

Ok...here's a story for you. On one hand, I'm flattered...but I'm also freaked by it! Working at the bank we have regulars that come through. Like especially on Friday nights....it's like clockwork. I chit chat with them all...and it's cool. Well last night one of hte regulars came through the window. I did his transaction and before he pulled away, he picked up an evelope and stuck it in the bucket or me to pull back inside. At first I thought it was something he just wanted me to interoffice to another department...but, He said, "here's something to make you smile". He started to pull away ever so slowly as I opened this sealed envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper and on it were the words. "I think you are SO hot!" He drove away then. This guy is married....probably only about 5-10 years older than I. I have to wait on him every Friday night! I can't do it! Yes, I'm flattered that someone thinks I'm hot. (Yeah, that's actually a huge thing...because being the fat girl, I have never been told that much. Yeah, my parents say I'm good looking...and my husband.....but do they count???) BUT come on....to hand someone a note that says that.....someone you deal with proffessionally??????? It's a bit junior highish isn't it???? YES, I showed it to Todd...he's teasing me about it. However, I"m also teasing him. I asked him to do something trivial last night and he complained...and I was like, "I bet my not so secret admirer wouldn't complain!"

Depressed!

Yes...I'm depressed and down in the dumps still!

I did get the house cleaned yesterday. That's about the only positive thing I've accomplished the last day and a half. Lets see...yesterday morning...I decided to hang my wash out on the line....save electricity and all that...plus clothes smell so darn nice when they are hung out to dry (ok, sorry to rub it in...with allergies that's probably not a nice thing). ANYWAY, I got out there, and I got just about the whole load up on the first line and was just about ready to head in to put the next load in the washing maching when I heard this little pop.....and down went my clothes. YEP...the line broke. In all fairness...the line was old. BUT STILL! NEXT, we were waiting around for LOwes to deliver our wood chipper, new mower and sheds. THey got there EARLY...so we were darn excited. Well...the first words out of their mouth was "the chipper is not here". Seems as though even though we ordered it (early enough for the special order...or whatver) they sold it.....so we now had tow ait for them to order it again. OK......we swallowed our dissapointment...we were hoping to start chipping up some of the brush piles that we have around here! NO PROBLEM...we'll start putting up a shed.....a 'mower house' as my mom called it. WAIT A SECOND!!!!!! Where is the flooring kit that was supposed to come free with the sucker!!!!!!! I called back to Lowes immediately....and got transferred to kingdom come......and then transferred again. Finally they took my number and said they would call me back. Meanwhile, TOdd and I decided that since everything else was a bust we would start scrapping the front deck to get it ready to paint. I had just bought a handy dandy Kobalt (nice brand) scrapper.......less than 5 minutes into the process.....the stupid thing broke! Lowes never called back yesterday. WE did go and buy new clothes line and I did get that repaired yesterday evening. THEN lets see...today. Oh yes, my oven rack came (I"ve only got one...which is a pain...you really need to have two)......they sent me the wrong one. I paid a stinkin' $10 shipping fee to ship this rack that was only worth $16...and now I have to pay to ship it back AND still pay to have the correct one shipped to me!

Can I just rewind and start the month again?????? Oh yes...my weight is still up! And not going down any! OF course maybe my eating would be a culprit as to why it's still going up! ARRGGHHH I need to get myself under control (of course my husband asking me to make cookies for him to take somewhere this afternoon didn't help my plan this morning any!) And yes...I"m depressed about this weight thing also! I'm a mess!

battling this upset

Last night at my meeting (I didn' weigh in) I was talking to two of the gals that are regulars (they are both actually lifetimers now). We were talking about my issues...and how I've been stuck in the 180's for about 6-8 months now. I shared how extremely frustrated I am. I lose down to about 180, and then hit a wall. I try and get frustrated so I give up and eat poorly....and gain a little back. I lose those two pounds and hit that same 180 pound wall. I get frustrated and gain a little back.....but instead of two pounds it's three. Each time the gaining gets a little worse! Right now I'm about 8-9 pounds up from my lowest weight! That is terrible. Depressing. Right now I have no control. I am so disgusted with myself that I just want to eat and forget about it all. The gals had some comments and ideas. They are as follows.
1. SHerry thinks I need to see a doctor to have a complete workup done. She talked about how she had hit a wall and just couldn't lose weight and when she went to her doctor and they did bloodwork her hormones were out of whack...they put her on the pill and she started losing. She thinks that all this weight I've lost could have knocked my body out of whack...preventing me from losing anymore weight.
2. Janelle brought up the fact that I'm stressed because I've been spending $40 a month for weight watchers. I've been stressed about this move. Stress stress stress. Stress as we all know negatively affects weight loss.
3. Sherry suggested then that I need to go to a doctor and have a doctor sign off that my current weight is a healthy one for me. Just to have weight watchers accept the fact that this may be my weight....put me on lifetime.....and then I can stop paying. Yeah, I can lose further....but I wouldn't be stressed about paying anymore!
4. They simply encouraged me to not give up. To follow the plan becuase as they said and I even said...we KNOW it works if you follow it consistently...without giving up through the bad times!

Cindy, the receptionist, is having much the same problems that I am having. Just can't seem to get her eating under control......and that helps to know that I'm not the only one!

ON to the challenge. THe challenge is either for walking or other exercise. If we do the walking she encouraged us to pick a mileage that we wanted to aim for. If we did 'other' we could pick an amount of time to aim for as our goal. Well, since I do a combo of both, and some biking and some this and some that. I'm converting everything I do into a mileage and I'm aiming for 25 miles a week......equaling 650 miles for the grand shebang! I can do this!

Just checked weather.com. Chance of precip 0% High of 57. So actually maybe a bit on the cooler side (cooler than I may have preferred) but still a pretty nice day to be outside doing manual labor. WOO HOOOOO!!!!! And just think...every hour of manual labor......worth three miles on my 'conversion' chart!

Feeling Blue

Yes, i'm feeling blue. Down in the dumps. Somewhat depressed. Just pain out and out blah! You see....last week i was determined to turn my downward spiral around. I was so strong. I did so good. I dropped two pounds. Then one day, all of a sudden with no warning and no reason, my weight jumped back up those two pounds. I sucked it up and kept chugging along. UNTIL SUNDAY! Da-Da-Da-DUM. Yes, Sunday came...and I lost it. I ate and ate and ate....cake. Cake batter, hot cake from the oven, cake with icing. My normal food intake had started out good, but once I started eating the cake...why the heck should I hold back. For dinner I joined mom and dad at the Craker Barrel and I had a sandwich and applesauce. No, that's not all that bad...but did I have teh points for it? NO! Had I already eaten enough veggies for the day? NO! Should i maybe have gotten the veggie plate? YES! I did however refrain from the biscuits and cornbread. I told her to only bring the one for my dad. Monday....I was planning on eating at home before goign to work....so i wouldn't be tempted to eat the potluck food. DID I? Oh yeah, I had to muffins, a banana and a homemade granola bar (or two). WHat's up with that....and then since I had only had 'a snack'...I ate at work! Sheesh! And then about an hour or two later before it was put away, I had round two! Oh yeah..... Ate a full dinner when I got home also! Not something to be proud of.

SOOOOO this morning I stepped on the scales.....188.something. I can't remember the something. 188!!!! That makes me want to cry. I just can't seem to get myself under control! I am going to my meeting tonight. I'm not weighing in....I'm too depressed to see my official weigh in (plus I already ate my big meal of the day with Todd at lunch, so that will skew my weigh in anyway). I am going to go to the meeting though. I think we are getting ready to start a walking/activity/fitness challenge tonight....and I want to get the particulars on that.

Tomorrow our stuff from Lowes will be delivered. Hopefully the weather will cooperate because we want to work outside all day. If we have to be grounded at the house, we may as well be outside working. We are hoping to work more to clear some more land. I may work on striping the paint on the front porch. Andif the stuff is delivered early...the options of things to do outside is almost endless!

Eating, exercise and lots of miles

I've been really thinking about my eating and how I feel. Another thing that I've noticed and thought about...my stomach never 'growls' to tell me that I'm hungry.....what brought that up is that Dr. Ohz said in his book that ghrelin (the hormone that tells you when you are hungry) is working..t.hat's what causes the growling. Hmm...my stomach only rumbles when I'm sick or something.....interesting.

I did go to the grocery store on Friday night. I got the coconut and did make the granola bars. HEAVENLY! ADDICTING! YUMMY! Yes, they are pretty good. I also rode my exercise bike on Friday night. About 10 minutes into my 'ride' my mom called. So I talked to her while riding. We talked for about 10-15 minutes during which time someone else tried to call me. I ignored the call...but when I hung up with mom I picked up the voice mail. It was my friend. I immediately jumped off the bike and called her right back. What a blessing to hear her voice!

Saturday....we worked outside for a few hours! It felt so good to be outside and working! I grilled steaks and potatoes for dinner. Food tastes sooo much better when you actually work for it!

On sunday my eating went a bit downhill. Not only did I NOT exercise, but mom and I baked...I ate! ARRRGHHHHH That is so not cool! Then today, I did at least ride the exercise bike this morning...however my eating and choices of food have not been stellar! At least I'm denying myself. I could continue to eat .....I want to continue to eat...but I'm not. I'm refusing. I had a nibble of pretty much everything at the potluck. I had a piece of cake......taste wise, I know that I'm satisfied. What it is....I know how good the stuff tasted and I'd LOVE to have more! BUT NO! NOt gonna do it!

I'm anxious for my weight watcher meeting tomorrow night. If I heard correctly, my leader is starting a 'challenge' to get us up and moving. It is designed around walking but she had made a comment that we could adapt it so that it could work with biking and other forms of exercise. i've done that as Iv'e thought about my goals and that I want to aim for. I'm going to aim for 25 miles a week. I can get that anyway I can. If I'm doing something that can easily be marked by miles (such as the exercise bike, the treadmill, walking with my pedometer, outdoor bike, etc) I'll count the actual mileage. If it is something like swimming in a pool...actively that is...or manual labor outside or something that I'm actually working.....or even an exercise video. I'm goign to count 15 minutes of that activity time as 1 mile. In this way I can still have and lead the varied exercise life but i can still participate. I"m actually really looking foward to this challenge. I've mentioned it to a few people and they seem to be interested also...so maybe I will have some friends do it with me outside of my weight watchers buddies! That would be way cool! Sooo...how did I come up wth 25 miles a week. Well.....if I were just walking, that would seem like an awful lot....but since I bike and do the elliptical and stuff like that...I can rack up miles pretty quickly. In fact, in the summer when Todd and I do a long bike trip, I'll knock off 25 miles on one trip. So those weeks, the 25 miles will be a cinch. However, on busy weeks or rainy weeks when I can't get out on my bike, that 25 miles will be much more difficult to reach. It will be 5 days of riding the exercise bike for about 20-25 minutes. When I think of it in terms of time on my exercise bike...it's not soo bad. I'm also planning on riding my bike to work some this summer. That will rack up 5 miles (round trip). So I think i can do it. :-) Root for me! Join me! It's all good! Of course I'll know more exactly after my meeting on Tuesday as to the challenge!

Ramblings

My weight this morning was 185.0. I'm happy with that. No...don't get me wrong, I'd love for it to be lower. But considering on Tuesday morning I wwas 187....I"m pretty darn tickled to be two pounds lower! I'm not doing too overly bad with eating today. I've got about 10 points for dinner...so I should be ok.

I'm actually thinking about running to the store (about 10 miles away) to pick up some coconut so that I can make some granola bars tonight. I'm just not sure I want to drive over there for coconut. hmmmmmm..... Todd won't be getting off of work until about 10 or 11...so it's not like I have to rush home for anything. I am heading to the grocery store on Sunday...so I could delay making the bars a few days and just get the coconut when I go to the store. Hmmm...I guess I'll probably decide at the moment that I get in my car and pull out of the lot after work.

In my research and looking at the possibility of a gene issue...or hormonal issue, I stumbled across another idea. Leptin. Without Leptin in our bodies, we pretty much eat non-stop...our brain doesn't get the signal for us to stop eating. So that is another option......Doesn't change much of anything..just makes me feel better knowing that this may have been something way out of my control....and knowing makes me feel better and more ready to tackle the weight again.

My sexy honey. He is also losing weight and while he has grumbled because his progress sometimes seems slow, I can see a huge diffference in his body....not to mention his clothing sizes have dropped drastically. (5 pants sizes smaller....go Todd!) Oh yeah, and look at his shirt....That is a mans tee shirt that I used to wear.....tightly might I add....now it's even loose on Todd!

A glimpse of me on top of Maryland Heights. There is a glimpse of the view. Doesn't seem that far up....well the bridge that you see behind me is actually a railroad bridge with 2 tracks! AND NO, I didn't get a picture and copy and paste my body onto the picture...I HIKED up there! It was a warm day.....but up at the overlook it was quite windy! I quickly put my sweatshirt on! (which is why I am holding it...I was getting ready to put it on!)

Ahhh don't you love those pictures when you hold the camer out and take a snap of yourself! This one wasn't too bad. It is interesting because you can see how our faces are thinning out!

A view of my beloved canal! If youwant to know how high I hiked...my car is parked down on level with the canal (which is wide enough for a vehicle)

Today I'm going to go backwards and talk about my day yesterday before I talk about my weight issues!

Well, last night I was too keyed up and I wanted to get my thoughts down on ‘paper’ about this gene/hormone thing…and I just typed and typed and typed and I decided to write my days activities today instead.

Tuesday night…..what’s up with Tuesday nights and sleeping????? It was the second Tuesday night in a row that I’ve had major issues sleeping! I went to bed at someone around 11:30 to midnight. I fell asleep just fine and slept just fine until exactly 1:45 (I looked at the clock) when I was rudely awoken by Jodi as she struggled to cough up a hair ball. Nope..she never did..poor kitty (yeah to me to not have to clean it up though). I flipped on the light quickly to find out where she was though because a few weeks ago I woke up to that sound and she was on my pillow…OVER MY HEAD…yes, she got booted from bed pretty quickly that night! Well, the cat regurgitation sounds just must have been enough to totally wake me up. I laid in bed……and laid in bed…and laid in bed. Finally at a little before 3AM I got up and went to the living room. I saw the tail end of Andrew Zimern (or whatever his name is..the guy that does the travel and foods thing…great show) doing Minnesota. Then I flipped to the discovery health and watched some Trauma ER stuff…blood and guts stuff. My they show much more graphic stuff at 3 in the morning. Like I totally got to see them pin a broken arm…I literally saw the jagged bones as they had their hands holding them together INSIDE this kids arms. Pretty cool stuff. But anyway, I digress…..At 4 I turned out the light and turned off the tv…I was getting sleepy! I fell asleep pretty easily and slept about 6 AM when I awoke to the sound of splintering glass. I immediately knew what it was. When I had got up in the middle of the night, I had got a glass of water and had it on the bar between the living room and kitchen. Yep…sure enough when I flipped on the lights there on the bar sat not the glass…but Ethel…all innocent. Sooooo I cleaned up the kitchen floor…..I gave the cats new food and water (can’t risk that a shard of glass got into the dishes!). I’m wide awake at at that point and don’t even try to go back to sleep. I watched some “Birth Day” episodes on tv…and play on the computer until I call mom and Todd wakes up.

IN the morning we go to Hagerstown to Lowes and Target. At Target I get a new watch. My old one broke so I’ve been wearing my heart rate monitor…which is a watch and has the time..but is huge, bulky and if I wear it any great length of time (as in over 24 hours) drives me nuts! Then on to Lowes. Today we invested in a small prefab garden shed. We were going to build our own…but decided that we still have so much work around here that needs to get done before we will consider this place totally up to our standards that adding the construction of a shed was just too much. However, we needed something desparately for garden tools…and Todd needed something for his tools. So, we got two sheds. Both the same. 10 by 12 feet. We also invested in a RED riding lawn mower! I love red! J Ok…so I didn’t pick it because it was red. We actually like Troybilt stuff. I had told Todd that I was happy with the one..but he talked me into upgrading to the one above it. For 200 dollars we got 2 more horsepower and 4 more inches on the cutting deck. We are also the proud owners of a wood chipper….that will come in handy while cutting down the brush and trees that have grown. And I’m not talking just a small amount of stuff…..maybe an acre or two.

We rushed home and had a quick lunch and then off we went. We drove down to the Maryland side of the river at Harpers Ferry and parked the car. And up we went. We hiked up Maryland Heights…to the overlook. That is a round trip of about 4.5 miles….with much strenuous uphill climbing….about 1500 feet up. GREAT exercise. The view at the top though. Breathtaking! What a gorgeous view of Harpers Ferry and the surrounding area. I loved the view of my beloved canal stretching out far beneath me! The weather was spectacular! I thought the trip down would be easier…and it wasn’t as intense cardio wise…but muscular wise it was worse. We had to keep the muscles in our legs engaged and leaning back almost constantly….great workout! Here’s a blurb about Maryland Heights from an NPS website….”MARYLAND HEIGHTS, which towers 1,448 feet above the rivers, is the area's most strenuous – and rewarding – hike. In addition to furnishing breathtaking views of Harpers Ferry and the Potomac River, the mountain hides the ruins of many Civil War fortifications. Infantry trenches, artillery redoubts, ammunition pits, and military camps once extended across the heights”

We took a drive and then ended up in Charlestown at the Mountain View Diner. I was doomed when I walked in….they had Salisbury steak as a special…..and I love their Salisbury steak! The problem……it’s HUGE!

We came home and I did some light straightening up around the house. But mostly I just relaxed!

Today I woke up and fully cleaned the house. The toilets are glistening…the tub shines. The floors are spotless. The only thing that is not done is the bed is not remade. I’m washing the sheets….I’ll just put the sheets that I’m washing back on the bed. But other than that…the house is spotless! Woo hooo!

I need to still do my exercise for today. I’m not sure what I’m going to do…but most likely it will be something when I get off of work. I may do a video! J


Woo hoooo…update…the laundry is all folded..the bed is made…All is TOTALLY done!

Since I did it backwards today….lets move onto the main purpose in me keeping this blog. I’m still blown away with the thought of this gene/hormone thing. I feel more at peace with my journey and where I’m at than I have in a long time. I think it brought me a sense of peace. I guess in one way I felt like a failure because I haven’t been able to figure out when my body is telling me I’m full…..well if my body doesn’t do that, I was trying in vain for years! I’m not a failure. In fact, I’m an even bigger success because I’ve lost weight through sheer willpower, without any indicators from within my body to help guide me along. So it is with much peace that I learned about this thing that MAY be something that is hindering me. This discovery has apparently been relatively recent….and they are still working on testing and truly discovering it in humans. But it’s one of those things that I know without a shadow of a doubt that is me. No…it doesn’t fix my problems with my weight. It doesn’t give me a formula to even know HOW to fix my weight issues. But it gives me peace. Maybe that’s what’s been missing!

Lunch is over…we had our bigger meal (our together meal) today at lunch as Todd works all night. So I’ll have my lighter meal when I get off work. That will work for me. 8 points for dinner. I can do that! Especially since I’ve got leftover green beans AND leftover sauerkraut in the fridge. Two zero points foods! YIPPEE!!

Frustrations Understood??????

At my meeting last night I ended up showing a gain of 4.6 pounds. Yep, I gained just about 5 pounds! I was sharing with some of my friends that I'm just incredibly frustrated. I am eating aimlessly, mindlessly and simply without reason. I shared that I see a food and even though I just may have eaten a full meal..the thought of that other food is in my head and I MUST have it. WEIRD. I talked to her about how I see food in the kitchen and I just want it....for example, if I see the apples sitting innocently on the counter....it may trigger me to think Apple PIe...and then I must get the ingredients and make one! My eating is not a thing of needing or desiring physically....it's totally mental. I mentally want this food...there is nothing physical about it! And I keep eating until I'm sick!

I was then sharing with another friend my frustrations and how sick I get of people telling me to 'listen to my body for the signal that it is full'. What the heck???? I"ve been waiting for that signal for AGES....and I have never heard that call. I shared with her a story...true life and it had just happened to me the night before. I got home from work and made dinner for Todd and I. I ate dinner....a nice healthy amount....nothing skimpy probably more than I should have. ANd of course after dinner I cleaned up. I"m still washing dishes by hand as my dishwasher connection is still not up and running. NO problem. I finished washing the dishes and realized that I had meant to make a perogi casserole for Tuesday night. That involved me peeling potatoes, cooking them and making mashed potatoes.....along with sauteing onions and cooking noodles (ok, so it isn't the healthiest casserole...it's delicious though!). SO it was at least a good 30-45 minutes before I had that mess all cleaned up. I looked over and saw the loaf of bread. That trigged the thought about how good toast tastes.....so I up and had some toast. Now remember, I had just eaten a full meal about an hour or so earlier. (yes, fully balanced...protein, veggies, controlled carbs, etc etc etc) There was no way on this earth that I needed that toast. You can't say that my stomach had not caught up to what I ate...it was freakin' 45 minutes later! What was up with that? Well, I went to the computer and I was checking email and playing some games online and about 30-40 minutes later I stumbled across a recipe for muffins that sounded interesting. (yes, those blue cheese muffins mentioned in my previous post). Wow...muffins sound good....Ill go make some. Yes, I ate one! WHy...I now have had about an hour and a half for my stomach to catch up!!!! What's up with this. Oh yes.....a little later I had an ice cream bar...oh and I had some candy. WHY? I couldn't be hungry.....this was not a physical thing....and why the heck wasn't I feeling full after all this time????? SO I was relating to my friend that I just dont' ever feel full...not matter what I seem to do.

My friend looked at me and and actually understood. She didn't laugh like some people do. SHe didn't scoff and say, 'you'll learn...or you just need to 'listen'" she actually mentioned an article that she had read a while back about them identifying a gene that if it is missing causes the 'full' message to not get to the brain. WOAH doggie..this sounds like me.

I was extremely excited about this because I've been talking to my mom quite a bit recently about the fact that I never feel full. I will simply eat until I"m sick...unless I stop myself just becuase I know that I"ve had enough based solely on the amount that I ate and not how I feel. What really brought it to the forefront is because my sisterinlaw or brother had told my mom that my young nephew (1 year old...who is now eating 'adult' food) simply keeps eating unti he is pretty much miserable and sick. THey have to physically remove him from the food area...or remove the food from in front of him. That sparked me to think about the fact this may be something more genetic.

So, this morning when I couldn't sleep, I got up and got online and started researching. I found that they have identified a gene that creates a hormone called obestatin that is made in the stomach and small intestine and it seems to prompt the brain to send out a signal that says 'eat less"....the full signal. Ironically enough the article mentioned that this same gene also produced the hormone called ghrelin...and this is the exact opposite of obestatin...this hormone gives the hungry signal. SO I started thinking......have I ever been truely hungry. No...I dont' think so. I eat because it's "time" to eat.....or socially....or because I get a 'bee' in my bonnet for some food sinply because I love food. But, if I'm occupied I could go hours and days without food and not miss it...and not be feeling miserable without it. IN fact, my first year at BNYC (youth conference) I didnt' eat anything for a week. I didn't want anything...I was too busy and occupied to eat. I wasn't sick I wasn't hungry...I simply didn't eat. BUT, am I thinking this because I'm grasping at straws looking for an answer to these questions.

My questions prompted me to call my mom. I didn't tell her why I was asking these questions...but I asked her if she ever truely felt hungry. SHe started laughing a bit and was said, "when we had the restaurant, I made acomment that I was never hungry...I just ate because." She went on to relate that my grandmother and everyone at the restaurant at that time just laughed and laughed and laughed and called her crazy! I of course have already talked to her in depth about feeling full....she never feels full either.

OH MY WORD! HAVE I FOUND SOME OF THE REASONS FOR THIS WEIGHT MESS I"M IN???

IT makes absolute sense to me. The pieces click. The information that I read states that they are going to try to work on a drug that can synthetically give us these hormones that we are missing. I'm not excited to have that option...I'm tickled because I now understand why I struggle with how much I eat. I knwo I'm not crazy. And I know that no matter how many times someone tells me to 'listen to my body' I don't have to feel inferior and sit at home fretting because I can't 'hear' my body.

So today I really listened to my body. I woke up at 6am and I was putzing around the house. I was busy and occupied......I thought about food. I knew what I was going to have for breakfast...but I listened to how my body felt. NOTHING. I finally ate at 9am simply because I know that I need to eat to remain healthy. How did I feel after I ate....the same as before I ate. Todd and I went to town and did a few errends. We got home at about 12:30. I had listened to my body the whole time in town. Was I hungry...did I feel any differently...nope. I ate lunch (making sure it was balanced with everything to make it a healthy meal). I stopped eating simply because my 'alloted food' was already eaten! How did I feel aferwards.....the same. No difference in how I felt. Todd and I hiked up Maryland Heights to the overlook. It was a stenuous hike up the side of a mountain....from the bottom to the top. And then back down. When it was over did I feel hungry or any differently? No. We took a drive and went out to dinner. Was I hungry? NO. HOw did I feel after I ate my dinner...which I ate because I knew I had to eat to remain healthy...and because I like the food at that restaurant)....NO DIFFERENT!

It is a relief! Todd was sitting there talking about how full he was.....and I had no feelings like that. In the past, I've always wanted to cry when this happens because it makes me feel like a glutton. But tonight it made sense.

One other thing that makes sense....I've lost a considerable amount of weight.....and I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I did it because I simply ate my alloted points and then stopped. So it is possible to succeed even with this issue. It also makes sense why I hated core and why I gained on the core plan. ANY food...even the healthy ones can turn into bad ones when you can't stop....and since I was looking for that 'full' feeling....because on core you can eat until your full/satisfied....I was looking for something that I was never going to feel.

As for my satisfaction with eating. It is not in how I 'feel'....it's in my happiness with the taste of the foods that I just ate. When I leave a restaurant and I'm satisfied....it's because I enjoyed the food. When I say I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied with the experience.

I think just knowing this, will help me because I now will not waste my time on waiting for that full/satisfied feeling. I know I just need to eat what is a healthy amount (based on my points) and stop there. THAT is what will work. Simply feeding myself what I should be eating and not going over that.

Mental journey

This weight loss thing right now is becoming soley a mental journey. I can say its mind over matter as many times as I want...or as long as want...as loud as I want. But until I figure out what's going on in my mind...this weight is not goign to budge.

Why am I struggling so much. I plan what I'm going to do for eating.....and yet I do the exact opposite. I had someone tell me "just don't have bad stuff in your house" Well, I don't have bad stuff in my house....per say, yet I have flour sugar and all the ingredients to make bad stuff. Even if I resist that, even the healthier stuff....if you eat it like it's the last time you'll ever have it.....in other words like a pig, then even the healthy stuff becomes unhealthy.

Why do I have such plans and motivation...but my willpower just can't get going? What is missing in this motivation/willpower connection. I've been pondering and have set aside some time today to really think about this deeply.

Am I afraid to lose weight? I'd have to say probably not. I have already surpassed any expectations that I had. I'm thinner now than I have ever been a an adult....so I've already passed that mark into unchartered territory....aka scary territory. I'll admit I cried.....not only tears of joy...but also some of fear. It's more exciting to me as I can shop and move. I know that my self confidence has soared and is still positively increasing. I'm tickled with it. I'm tickled with the changes, that I can go into any store and buy something. I'm still getting used to it in my mind....I dont' feel like I belong in those stores. But regardless, I'm tickled with the change. So I don't think that I'm afraid of losing weight.

Being honest with myself....do I enjoy the attention that losing weight has gotten me? Am I afraid that if I reach my goal I will no longer garnish that attention? The difference in my body is night and day different...and I get huge compliments and lots of attention becuase of it....am I secretly really eating up that attention and subconcioully trying to delay myself from getting to my goal in order to continue on with it? This one is not an easy one to admit...but this could be it? How though....if I continue to lose weight and get to my goal, I'll still be there...and it will still be obvious......my word...I dont' want it to be this reason!!!!!

Am I afraid of my husbands reaction to my 'new body'. I know that Todd loved me when I was big and I know he loves me now that I"m thinner. Am I afraid that if I lose more weight that I'll not be attractive to him. Obviously he has no problem being attracted to a big girl....but what about a thin girl? I honestly don't think there is a problem because while he is always very careful about his compliments....he seems very happy with the new me. He's very careful becuase when he does comment on my 'new body' he says that he doesn't want me to feel that he only loves me this way.....he loves/ed me both ways. In fact, he's looked at old pictures of me...some of my 'fat pictures' and shudders at how I looked in comparison to now. So I know he is happy with my changes....and he is more worried right now that I'm falling off the wagon and that i'll gain it back..........ohhhh could I be worried, weirdly enough that he wouldn't love me if I gained it back???? HMmmmmmm

I just don't know. I do know that right now I'm not fighting a battle with cravings or desires or anything like that...I'm fighting a full out mental battle and I have no idea how to attack.

Enough on the weight. Last night Todd and I ate the seven layer salad that I had prepared on Sunday evening. It was good. Todd was quiet about it so I wasn't sure what he was thinking. BUT this morning he was like, "is there anymore of that "seven stuff' that we had for dinner. When I said yes, he was like "Good, I'll have some for lunch today" So I guess that means that he liked it! After dinner I cleaned up and made and put together a perogi casserole for dinner tonight. Now that's a good meal! Todd will put it in the oven and have it piping hot for when I get home at 8PM. I'll probably throw peas or some such vegetable in a pan to have with it...and probably quickly slice some strawberries and put ff cool whip over the top to finish off the meal. And what a good meal that will make!

I love to bake...so last week (was it Friday or Saturday) I decided to make biscotti for Todd. He loves biscotti.....I don't particularly care for it so I thought it would be a grand thing to make...something that I don't particularly like. (I usually don't like it because it's way too dry...I like moist and chewy things). Well..unfortunately, I found that I do like the biscotti uncooked dough...and the biscotti between it's two bakings...I like that.....uhh yeah, and apparently I do like homemade biscotti! DRAT.

So last night I decided to try again. I found a recipe for Blue Cheese muffins. I had found blue cheese on sale...and i had a coupon so i got a great deal...and thereby just happened to have some in the fridge..perfect! PLUS, I hate blue cheese...so there would be no tempation for me to eat any right? I made them. They smelled pretty good while they were in the oven. Immediately after coming out they smelled good...so I had one. Yep, I still hate bluecheese. But I gobbled that whole muffin...down the hatch it went. Then I went and played on the xbox some....I was laying there and this smell started to just waft through the house.......it took me a while to truely identify the smell.....it was those muffins....the whole house stank to beat the band! It was terrible!!!! I had to pitch them out...and even take out the garbage bag that they are in. Todd came home during this drama and he was like......EWWW this house reeks! Oh well......we win some, we lose some!

Tomorrow, if the weather is nice, we may go down across the river from Harpers Ferry and hike up Maryland Heights. It will be an uphill climb....which may be rough on my knees...but I want to try it. We are also going to go to lowes and get a mower, a wood chipper and hopefully the stuff to build a shed for our garden stuff and some storage! Exciting stuff eh? If the weather doesn't co-operate, then we will probably end up going to the gym instead of the hike....which in reality makes more sense because Lowes and Harpers Ferry are in two opposite directions from where we live! If we end up going to the gym....we'll get home earlier than if we end up going down to do the Maryland Heights hike....I want to pick up the paint for the outside (I'm going to paint the outside white...and have green trim) and for my screened in porch....which I'm also going to paint white. If we go to the gym, I'll probably get home earlier....so I'm thinking that I'll start painting the porch. My reasoning...the stuff we are ordering from Lowes...goign to have it delivered.....we are also ordering indoor outdoor carpet for our screened in porch! I can't wait to get my round outdoor glass topped table on that porch......especially since spring is just around the corner! PLUS I WANT MY GRILL brought over. Todd and i have typically always used our grill heavily..but it's still at the other place...and with it getting warmer I'm getting antsy for it! But that's just moving it.....I want to get that back enclosed porch done!

Famous Mommy

Mommy's famous! OK, maybe not famous, but she did make the paper! Here is a copy of the article.

March 23, 2008
She makes City Farmers Market sweeter
Baked goods made with imagination
By TIFFANY ARNOLD
Fran Clingan makes homemade goodies to sell at Hagerstown City Farmers Market. This "lamb cake" encrusted with fresh coconut is an example of some of the homemade goodies Fran Clingan sells at Hagerstown City Farmers Market. This time, Fran "Snooky" Clingan transformed what could have been a two-layer coconut cake into a "lamb."
Weeks ago, she created a "groundhog" cake, a Bundt cake made to look as though it were snow covered, with crumbled Oreo cookies - the "dirt" - dusted at the center and a sign that read, "Looking for my shadow." There's a lot you can do with a good cake mold and a passion for baking. Clingan, 60, of Hagerstown, has lots of both. "I've always liked to cook," Clingan said.
The Herald-Mail met with Clingan at her North End home, where "lamb cake" rested on her kitchen counter, with cookie bouquets - iced sugar cookies on sticks - and homemade marshmallows nearby. Her many, many cake molds (including one shaped like a series of trains) were stored away in a cabinet. The "lamb cake" is adapted from another of her recipes, Snooky's fresh coconut cake, for which she uses freshly grated coconut. Since December, Clingan has been selling her baked goods at the Hagerstown City Farmers Market, where she is known as the "cookie lady." But it is not the first time Clingan's cooking has been available for public consumption. Clingan's mother, the late Dottie Thompson, owned the View Street Diner, a mom-and-pop restaurant that was open more than 30 years. The restaurant closed in 2000. Clingan said she was the restaurant's cook during the last five or six years it was open.
"If you've been in Hagerstown long enough, you've eaten at View Street," Clingan said.
Thompson, who died in 2004, told The Herald-Mail in 2000 that had it not been for Clingan and her daughter-in-law, she would not have been able to stay open as long as she did.
Clingan has been feeling the pressure to reopen the diner, but has not yet made up her mind. She considers selling her goods at the City Market a "baby step."

Diner or no diner, Clingan won't be hanging up the oven mitts anytime soon.

Talking with Fran Clingan
Clingan talks a little more about her love for cooking:
Q: If you had a chef at your beck and call, someone who would make up the dessert of your dreams, what would you request?
A: I like fancy things. If I had my way, I'd have chocolate mousse with white chocolate stripes. If I had a chef, I would want something I wouldn't make myself.
Q: Is there any baked good you absolutely would not eat?
A: No, not really.
Q: What are some things your family members request often?
A: My son likes chocolate delight - it has pudding in it. My daughter and I, we like most baked goods.
Q: What sorts of things do you make for dinner?
A: If I'm cooking for my husband, it's hamburger, hamburger, hamburger. Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.
Q: So back to the chef scenario, if that chef were there to prepare you dinner, what would you request?
A: I probably wouldn't like that because I like to cook. Having this table down at the market allows me to fix so many things - each week it's something different.

http://www.herald-mail.com/?cmd=displaystory&story_id=189050&format=html

There is a recipe for the cake and also pictures....pretty cool eh? :-)

I've been a busy beaver. Mom and dad came down for Easter dinner. So Sunday I putzed around the kitchen all day. I not only did the cooking for Easter dinner, but I also made a seven layer salad to have with dinner for tonight (monday). Then tonight, I made dinner...we had the seven layer salad, almond orange chicken (yum yum) and the rest of the baked butter beans from last nights dinner. I had strawberries with a fruit dip/topping drizzled over the top. (heavenly). After dinner, I cleaned up the kitchen and then immediately messed it up when I put together perogi casserole for tomorrow nights dinner (I had to make mashed potatoes..and i don't use instant, cook noodles, saute onions...so I dirtied a lot more pans.) Now I'm done, the kitchen is once again clean and I'm just sitting here relaxing.

The problem...I've been eating like a pig today. I can't seem to get enough food to feel full....er satisfied! What's up with that??????? Oh if I can just stay out of the kitchen....which is literally feet away....in full view!

Two down!

How many days does it take for us to do something before it becomes a habit? Well, I'm two days down. I got up and TOdd and I went for a walk. About 40 minutes....2 miles. And then I came home and rode the exercise bike for a half hour. My legs were sore!

Meanwhile, I've done ok eating wise. However, yesterday I made a treat for Todd. I made him some homemade biscotti. I thought it was a grand idea. I would get to bake, which I truely love to do...and since I"m not a big fan of biscotti, I wouldn't be tempted. Well I found out that I don't like store bought biscotti...but homemade biscotti is pretty good. DARN. I ate some tonight. I actually did have some points left (3) and that is without counting any of my activity points that I earned today. So I'll probably be ok....but still...I would have been better without it!

I'm a little stressed at work. We are getting a new manager...and she had come over and chit chatted with made the comment that since our office is running pretty smoothly that she wasn't going to make any changes...nothing major....it would continue on. We all breathed a sigh of relief. Well today we find out that the head of all branches was sitting with her and helping her do up a 'new' schedule for our office. GREAT. I just turned down a full time position because I needed certain times off. Ok, not even certain times...but a regulated day off throughout the week! If something changes and it doesn't work out, I know that will be GOd telling me to get off my butt and get a job elsewhere.....but I really do honestly like my job. That is such a unique thing for me....so I hate to even think about leaving.

I got home from work and spent some time working on my grocery list. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow. I washed the dishes that had accumalated since I had done the dishes (at lunch).....gotta love it...I leave the house after lunch and all the dishes are clean...I come home and the sink is full again. OH well....ANYWAY, I then just hung out tonight. Todd worked until just a bit ago....so I played a little XBox 360 and then I read. I've got to put the dishes that I washed away...but other than that...nothing else tonight.

Goal Dress

Back when I was still weighing somewhere in the upper 200's and wearing size 24 in my clothing I was out shopping. I had just decided to get serious and lose this weight. Therefore when I stumbled upon a dress that was on and sale and marked down so many times that the end result was that the dress cost $2. It wasn't anything fancy, but I bought it as a motivational/goal dress. It was a size 12 (as a side note, I also bought a different dress in size 10...also for two dollars). When I bought it I seriously doubted that I would EVER get down to a size 12. I was actually shooting to be a size 16....but heck, for $2 I couldn't pass it up. Well, just recently I tried on that size 12 goal dress. IT FIT! Here is a picture of me wearing that goal dress. :-)

One day down!

I know that getting started into a routine is actually one of the most difficult things. You can plan it easily. And once started it is easier to continue on...but getting started. Each week I'm saying to myself.....this week I'm goign to start the exercise. Yesterday we planned to go to the gym...but then life got in the way. So we said, Thursday morning...we are going.......

I DID make it to the gym this morning. Oh my word...it's amazing how out of shap one can become in just a short (relatively speaking) amount of time! I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and then moved to the treadmill where I did 40 minutes of a fast walk alternated with shorts spurts of jogging. After the elliptical my legs were like jelly...they were literally shaking! After the treadmill I was like, "what legs?" tee hee hee Hopefully this will kickstart my exercise program again!

Meanwhile, on my home scales, my weight was at 187 on Tuesday morning. Wednesday morning i weighed in at 186.0 . This morning i weighed in at 185.6. So i can see the weight dropping. SIMPLY from eating healthy! Hopefully tomorrow will be good also...especially since I added back in the exercise! That spurt of fear when I saw 187 may be what i needed!

I'm so close...I've just GOT to keep plugging along. I've heard lots of people over the years say that the last pounds are sometimes the hardest......I think I just need to get over this 180 hump and solidly into the 170's......it's like some hurdle that i just can't seem to leap over!

One more skipped

Yes, I skipped my weight watchers meeting tonight. IT was.....uhhhhh...raining. That's why! Seriously, I KNOW that I gained big time this past week. I'm talking about 5 pounds of gainage! That is so uncool. I find myself once again at 187 pounds. NOT COOL! This past week is totally me. I did it to myself. I can place the blame nowhere but squarely on my shoulders. THe only thing...it's made me look back some at the last few months. My standard MO seems to be that I lose and get to the low 180's....and then hit a brick wall. I work at it for a few weeks or so and get frustrated...so i have a crazy eating week and gain back to the mid to upper 180's......and then start again...lose until I"m in the lower 180's (or even high 170's) and then hit that brick wall again. Knowing this...I've got to perservere through that period and break through that wall.

The other thing I've been thinking about....am I subconciously sabataging myself in this weight loss thing. I'm so close.....relatively speaking! And all of a sudden I'm stalled dead in the water. Being this close I should be so super motivated to finish this off....but I'm not....I lay really good plans...and then don't follow through. My willpower...well, my lack of willpower is what needs to be discussed!

Speaking of plans. I had the most wonderful idea for dinner tonight. I was making pizza. So I decided to put the toppings tha Todd likes on 3/4 of the pizza. I hate those toppings and won't touch a piece of pizza that has those toppings cluttering it up and messing up the taste (mushrooms and green peppers). Todd would then have leftovers for lunch on some upcoming day...and I wouldn't eat more than what I shoudl have. I had this plan set.......did I do it???? NO, when the time came, I made it 1/2 and 1/2.....and I ate my half! ARRGGHHHH WHY? Why do I do this. WHen I think about it, I think that I did it because "I love pizza" and I want to have as much as I can. I need to keep reminding myself that if I learn to control my intake, I can have pizza a heck of a lot more than I do now.....I can't have it a lot now because I have no control over my portion size...or intake!

So, you may be wondering how I was able to gain 5 pounds in a week. Well....last Wednesday I didn't do too badly, a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner. The problems began on Thursday with the baking of a cake int he morning (and the batter.....big temptation for me)....and the decorating of the cake in the evening (icing.....big temptation). On Friday at work I had a piece of said cake and also participated in the potluck. Friday evening it was cookie making (from 6PM until about 10PM....ahh yummy cookie dough). Saturday was cookie day. Sunday...well....Sunday was sample day at Sam's Club and mudslides in the evening. Monday.....a co-worker brought taco dip into work....super yummy and another one brought in a lime cake (surprisingly tasty). Oh yes, and I treated my husband by making a raspberry cobbler for dinner. Tuesday...I was able to resist all the tempation at work (leftovers) but that last piece of cobbler reached out and grabbed me! I HAVE to stop this trend. I'm noticing that once I start with the sweet things, that stopping the 'habit' or trend or whatever I want to call it is just really difficult!

Watched The Biggest Loser tonight. These people are doing it.....and Ali did it at home for quite a while...I can do this also!

I'm pushing to go to the gym tomorrow! That would help kick start my workouts! I've been so lax on those also! Yes, I've literally fallen apart!

Meanwhile, I hadn't been reading peoples blogs online...and one in particular I had stopped reading because there were no new entries. Well, I decided to clean out my 'fav's and checked hers to make sure that it truely was a dead blog. Well, she had posted a message giving the information for her new blog site. Well..this lady had originally been 300 some pounds...and lost quite a bit of weight...had been down below 200. I haven't checked out her blog for MONTHS......and like I said I just found her. I about fell off my chair when I opened up the blog....she's gained it all back...or almost all. She is hovering right at 300 pounds. How easilly and quickly she gained it back (we are talking 6 months.....100 pounds!) That scares me! Will that happen to me?

NOw that I've spouted my doom and gloom and bad stuff I'm going to go surf the net. It's 11:30...and I"m wide awake. I tried to go to bed and sleep after The BIggest Loser...and it just wasn't happening. TOdd has suffered from some insomnia lately...he's snoring away tonight and here I am...wide awake! ANd really thirsty for some reason. Ususally when I go to bed I don't need anything to drink. Not tonight.....I've had about 3 glasses of water since 9PM...weird! Which means when I do fall asleep...I'll be up every hour thereafter in the bathroom! Joy Joy!

WIMPY

Yep, I was way to wimpy to get on the scales to face the music today. Isn't that sad????? Where has my will power gone. Yep,....I've had two cookies here at work today! Slap my hands!

Meanwhile, I am at work...and looking foward to noon when I can go home. I have no big plans for my afternoon. Todd is working on a community service project and will probably be gone all day. I have plans for dinner...but we may ditch those plans and end up eating out tonight. An old friend that is home on a furlough from the mission field...the Philllipines.... is going to be at mom and dad's tonight with her new baby (ok...new as in born Christmas Eve). So it would be cool to see her. However, if it doesn't work out with Todd's schedule...no biggie. I'm literally just planning on going home...changing into my 'skivies' (my skivies are my flannel pants and old sweatshirt from my fat days...and boy are those big baggie sweatshirts comfy!!!) and hanging out. I may read a bit...I may play some online Call of Duty 4. Who knows. I'm goign to try to ignore the things that need to be done and take an afternoon for myself. I'm not going to make the bed! I'm not going to do the dishes! I'm just going to relax! I can do my grocery list tomorrow morning right? Or later tonight right? Better yet, maybe I can plan my menu here at work and think about what we want to eat now....so then when I go home all I would have to do is figure out what I need to buy! What a splendid idea....think I'll do it......probably not! :-) And in fact, do you think I'll be able to ignore the unmade bed (yes, for those of you who know me...I've been actually making my bed most every day.....new house and all that......BREATHE...I know you'll find this shocking! and the pile of dishes in the sink? Probably not..but I'm going to try....and at the very least hopefully only spend a minimal time doing that stuff.

Speaking of dishes......arrgghhhhhh my dishwasher hook up is not compatable with my new faucet...so I'm still washing dishes by hand!

Next week should be an interesting one. I'm working a more 'normal' persons work week. I'll be working a lot of days 7:45 until 4. That's all fine and dandy until I realized that Todd works most evenigns.....meaning I won't see much of him....and having dinners together will be touchy. Maybe I should do chili as one of the meals...because that is an easy one that I can make but is just as tasty when I make it versus a few hours of simmering later. hmmmmmmm Wooo hoooo.....one meal planned. :-)