Choosing

I was in the shower this morning and I was replaying a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday.  We were talking about emotions during that conversation.  It was one specific comment that was made during that conversation that was replaying in my mind over and over.  "I am choosing...." 

 Life for me has been crazy.  There is no denying that.   I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and events in life in recent months.  Actually make that statement to say that it's been crazy for the last few years. I am not going to go into it now, I discussed a lot of it in  this post though.  But I will say that life has been a lot in the last few years and it has really gotten to me and I have spent a lot of my time struggling with a low grade (I would say low grade) depression.  It's been going on for years.  In my conversation with my friend I made the comment about how I was struggling way back in 2022 and how I remembered thinking that I should be so happy because I was a newlywed and we had just bought and moved into our house.  Instead I remember days out mowing and working in the yard and crying the whole time as I worried about situations in my life. Little did I know then that it would just get worse.

Some of those situations have been rectified.   The job situation for one.  Being laid off was tough.  (Yeah, remember they did it on my birthday...)  But I think in the long run it is a good thing for me.  It's a relief to have that and some of these other things calm again in my life.

As we talked, my friend carefully probed to see how I was doing with some of the other things going on.   I honestly just started to laugh and say "it's all the same....no change."    She commented that I seemed to be able to handle it better.  I mean, I guess it was obvious as I hadn't erupted into tears when it was brought up in the conversation.   And that is when I made the comment, "The situation hasn't changed but I am choosing to not let it beat me."  

And that is what life is, I just forgot for a while (or just had too much going on to see the forest through the trees).   Life is accepting that you can't control life, you can't control other people, you can't control circumstance.  You can only control your response and how you react and choose to live your life.

 

I must be nuts!

 Am I crazy?  I think I must be!  How can I even be thinking this?  Am I really thinking of doing the 75 hard again?   I must seriously be nuts!

So let’s break this down….

Yes, my weight loss efforts are somewhat stagnant.   The weight is just not coming off.  I will be honest and say that I’m not really putting forth a GREAT effort, but I am cognizant and have tried to make healthier decisions.  But it’s just so slow to drop that it gets utterly discouraging. It is driving me crazy.  I don’t like how I feel.  I don’t like how I look.  And most definitely I don’t like the fact that most of my clothes are so tight I’m uncomfortable…..my work clothes that is.    I have picked up some things that fit ok….but most of my stuff is tight…and uncomfortable.  That just adds to my discontent with my weight.   

The discontent makes me want to do something drastic.   And my mind jumps to the 75 hard.   It makes sense.  It was a victory.   I saw improvement.  And my one regret about me doing it earlier this year was that I didn’t set my diet plan restrictive enough.  So my thoughts are why not do it again?

Work is going well.  I am still learning something new daily.   We are short staffed so I am constantly jumping back and forth between jobs/duties.  But that’s ok because it’s making me really cement the earlier concepts learned.  I am constantly on the look out for new things I can learn as the formal trainings are only the basis/background of what I need to know.   I laughed with my manager the other day that I am always coming into her office with way off the wall questions about hypothetical situations.  But hey, I’m learning.   It will be a long process because I really do need to learn every aspect of the office to properly be able to do my job.   

I am really struggling with relearning to juggle home life into the mix.   I got so spoiled with working from home where I could easily mop the floor on a 15 minute break, unload the dishwasher on another and fold some laundry at lunch.   I had gotten into the habit of carrying my ‘weed bucket’ around when I went out with the dog and pulled weeds…so the weeds never got out of control.    Without those random moments scattered through the day I am struggling with getting stuff done.   The other weekend I spent 5 hours weeding the front of the house….and still didn’t get it all done.  (It had been a while and we had a lot of rain so it was BAD).    Of course it doesn’t help that my feet (I have some long known issues) and my arthritis in my knees have been pounding lately. So that is a struggle.  But I am slowly feeling like I am getting a handle on the change.

The dog is doing well with the change also.  It was a big adjustment for her as in all her life she was used to me being in the house with her….literally in sight of me pretty much 24-7.

So with all that said about learning to shuffle and adapt why in the world am I thinking about doing a 75 hard.  That’s the last thing I should be contemplating!!

I’m toying with something easier…maybe.  But is that cheating??